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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My XP has moved DS to new nursery without even telling me!

162 replies

Janos · 08/02/2009 13:33

We currently have a joint care arrangement, not formalised. He has DS Thur-Sat and he's with me Sunday to Wednesday.

Anyway, XP kindly informed me today that on one of the days DS is with him, he's moved him to a new nursery.

We had already discussed this and I said I didn't want him to go as I thought it would be disruptive AND said I would look after him.

However, as usual he has gone ahead and done what he likes and hell mend my opinion or what is good for DS. He has a history of this type of high handed behaviour.

Anyway I'm upset he's done this and want some advice on how to handle the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 14:44

That sounds like a good idea Anna (we both do have parental responsibility) didn't know that. I need the contact details first though.

I wouldn't put it past him to withdraw his 'permission' for DS to go to his 'old' nursery though if I do that.

Also wouldn't be surprised if he passed off DS' step mum as mum either.

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 08/02/2009 14:47

You could cause a lot of headache for the nursery owner for having done this Janos - I think you are in a very strong position vis-à-vis the nursery, so ring up, be very polite but very firm and tell them that if they accept your DS back for a single minute, your solicitor will be onto them ASAP.

what2donow · 08/02/2009 15:06

I think as was said above you may need to look to put things on a more formal footing via mediation etc. Hopefully that could address the school issue which I suspect may be a difficult one.

Could a compromise be for your ex to have weekend access only rather than splitting the week (maybe fri post nursery/school to either sun early evening or mon morning?)

It is a tricky situation & I speak as someone on the reverse side of the coin, in that I'm intending to change my DC's schools without telling my ex. I am also going to be moving - not as far as 40 miles - and again not telling him until it's done.

The situation in my case is slightly different as ex only has the DCs at the weekends so never takes/collects from school. He also doesn't have PR so far as I'm aware (we were never married). No-one I have spoken to in RL has been critical of my decision - although I accept you all may have an entirely different view! - but I accept it may well be viewed differently if we had the same shared care arrangement where he was doing school pick ups/drop offs etc.

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 15:32

There's been lots of good advice on here, thank you. You can be sure I'm taking it all on board!

What2donow, your situation is different to mine I think as your XP doesn't sound at all involved or interested in decision making. Apologies if I've read you wrong.

XP is not that kind of person I'm afraid. He does exactly what HE wants. He was furious today when I dared to challenge him about DS's nursery.

OP posts:
tryingherbest · 08/02/2009 15:46

Get everything formalised and get custody. And that's that.

What on earth happens in a year time when your little one has to go to school. This could be a bit of plan to bolster his case and formalise custody.

Do it before him and do it now.

lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 15:47

Janos, it's worth suggesting the family mediation route to him, but if I'm reading it right here you are right to see this as indicative of a much bigger problem.
In my case it lasted all my DCs childhoods and I'm not sure I have the answers.
My exH had a powerful job in education and until my youngest left school my phone had messages to Mr.. from teachers even though I told them repeatedly he hadn't lived with us for 10yrs. At one point my youngest didn't speak to him for 3yrs but it still didn't stop. When my oldest was in hospital for an apendectomy (sp) he actually changed his address in the medical notes without informing me (I found out by accident). He was claiming (successfully) to CSA that the DCs lived with him while telling the courts I was preventing access!
Sorry to alarm you, but I think you are right to try and nip this in the bud, if at all possible, and inform any agency involved that you want to be consulted about any change to their routines.

Surfermum · 08/02/2009 15:54

I sympathise. Dh's x has been like this. A child has two parents and both should be involved in decisions like nurseries and schools. Of course the problem comes when one thinks that they can make all the decisions regardless of the other's view and it isn't possible to come to an agreement.

Dsd had to change schools when her sibling (not dh's) got expelled and the school suggested it was best if she left too. Dh tried to get involved with choosing a school, intending it to be a joint decision, but his ex said he was interfering . She deliberately put dsd in the school he had said he didn't want without telling him (and we know this because she admitted it to us a few years later).

It's very difficult to know how to handle things we found. We just didn't want to cause more acrimony on the one hand and courts, solicitors' letters etc would certainly do that. On the other hand should dh fight for what was best for his dsd and getting her into a better school. In the end we decided that the less acrimony the better, there had already been enough in dd's short life .

What2donow, why haven't you told him? It doesn't matter that he only sees them at weekends, he is still their Dad. Don't you think he is entitled to at least an opinion?

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 15:58

lessonlearned you are reading it right, it is a bigger problem. You say "When my oldest was in hospital for an apendectomy (sp) he actually changed his address in the medical notes without informing me". XP did same to me when taking DS to doctors for a routine appt. He told them DS didn't live with me, he lived with him and changed the address thereby causing problems with the Docs.

Actually, I've felt many times that what XP would really like is for me to just go away so that he can be in charge of everything.

OP posts:
MayorNaze · 08/02/2009 16:01

go back to your solicitor, get custody and a residence order in your favour. you have my utmost sympathy but you really cannot afford to mess around with stuff like this.
as don't mean to sound harsh.

lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 16:02

I just reread the thread and there is no reason to think your exH is in the same league as mine was so please forgive me if I caused any undue worries. My ex was incensed that he did not win a custody battle, yours sounds like he actually wants to share care.
FWIW, although you both have equal PR, you are the primary carer (by 1 day), this can change with arrangements so please don't let care of the DC become a battleground. Compromise a little if needs be for the sake of keeping arrangements civil.

Heated · 08/02/2009 16:05

Given your dc is 4 and presumably starts school in Sept, disrupting now him seems a) very selfish and b)rather concerning, especially regarding his primary schooling. In fact, have you discussed what will happen when dc starts school?

lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 16:07

Sorry Janos x post there.
Oh God, I do think you are talking a similar situation to mine and I wish I had found some answer to it all for you.
Getting custody in a situation where there is no 'physical' DV is almost imposible even when the situation affects the DCs emotional wellbeing.
I wish I had something more positive to tell you.

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 16:09

"A child has two parents and both should be involved in decisions like nurseries and schools. Of course the problem comes when one thinks that they can make all the decisions regardless of the other's view"

This is exactly what the problem is. My opinion counts for nothing and it's so frustrating.

My option is to do nothing or cause a fuss which could all sorts of ructions etc.

Rock and a hard place!

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 16:13

Heated yes, this is an issue too.

XP has ignored all my attempts to talk about where DS will beeasonable and discuss it have been ignored. going to school and I'm sure he want's him to go to school where he lives.

I've registered DS at a local school as all my attempts to be reasonable and discuss it have fallen on deaf ears.

I don't even know that mediation would work. he says what people want to hear and then does what he likes anyway

I'm not just giving up though.

OP posts:
MayorNaze · 08/02/2009 16:14

better to cause a big fuss in the short term and have things legally defined and sorted than let it drag on and on and for you to feel worse and worse.
again as don't want to be bossy

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 16:15

Sorry, messy post. Second para should read 'XP has ignored all my attempts to talk about where DS will be going to school and I'm sure he wants him to go to school where he lives'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 16:16

I know you aren't being bossy MayorNaze.

It's so messy..DS loves his Dad to bits. Aaargh!

It does need sorted. I'm just dreading it cause I know how foul XP will be.

OP posts:
MayorNaze · 08/02/2009 16:21

precisely why you need to get things legally defined. it might suck at the time but you will feel better for it. plus then you halways have something to fall back on if it all goes wrong, ie xp starts doing what he likes, you can say "no, we have agreed this" and wave the peice of paper at him so to speak.

be brave

what2donow · 08/02/2009 16:24

Janos, I think my ex would probably say that I do exactly as I want, ie that I am behaving as your ex is to you

Surfermum, am sure your DH is nothing like my ex. If my ex was a normal, nice man, I would be happy to involve him in decision making, but he isnt, so i'm not.

There are lots of reasons why I haven't told him. I entirely appreciate to other people they may not seem very valid, but I would say (in my defence) that I have no intention of moving DCs to schools that are not the equal or better of the ones they currently attend.

I'm moving out of the immediate area (I live 5 mins away from ex at present) because he is far from being a nice person, and I will never be able to have a normal life living on his doorstep. He has made it clear I will not be allowed to have another relationship (I have found out recently he has caused the guy I was seeing - though I accept that whole relationship was a disaster waiting to happen anyway - to resign his job, either that or be sacked, due to harrassment & other stuff done by my ex).

I want to move a few miles away so he doesn't know my every move, and can't be spying on me. I have discussed moving with DCs - we will be able to afford a bigger house & garden, & I will be closer to work - and they are happy, as they will still be with their dad at weekends and so still see their friends who live nearby.

I'm not telling him in advance because I don't want him to be in a position of doing anything to disrupt the move (which I wouldnt put past him). It is easier for me to present it as a fait accompli, and my hope is once it's done he might finally get the message. I should add this is a man who has no idea what year either DC is in at school, let alone who their teachers are, yet I'm sure if he knew what I was planning he would be up in arms accusing me of interfering and being selfish etc...........

Heated · 08/02/2009 16:26

I would be very concerned Janos. I would guess he's broken the joint care arrangement by not consulting with you on the move but more importantly by moving your son from his nursery without your permission. I would be seeking some legal advice asap in your shoes since this does not bode well.

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 16:30

I am planning to seek legal advice.

I'm a member of a union of work and they can give access to free legal advice so I'll start there.

Thanks everybody.

Actually..I did expect there to be someone coming on saying, well it's up to him etc.

OP posts:
NAB09 · 08/02/2009 16:31

He is entitled to his opinion but I really don't think either parent should make such huge decisions without discussing it first.

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 16:32

what2donow your reasons sound valid to me.

And let me emphasise I'm really not like your XP!

I do often find myself asking, am I I being unreasonable? Is this fair etc?

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 16:33

Absolutely NAB..his problem is that his opinion is always the right one and anyone else (this includes me) who has a different opnion is wrong/deluded and can be safely ignored.

OP posts:
what2donow · 08/02/2009 16:37

NAB- I agree in principle provided the other parent is a rational, normal person. It's more difficult when they are not.

PS - Janos, am not saying you are not rational or normal I think you are dealing with this v well, and taking legal advice is good, because at least then you will have a better idea of your options.