My XP has moved DS to new nursery without even telling me!

[Janos]

We currently have a joint care arrangement, not formalised. He has DS Thur-Sat and he's with me Sunday to Wednesday.

Anyway, XP kindly informed me today that on one of the days DS is with him, he's moved him to a new nursery.

We had already discussed this and I said I didn't want him to go as I thought it would be disruptive AND said I would look after him.

However, as usual he has gone ahead and done what he likes and hell mend my opinion or what is good for DS. He has a history of this type of high handed behaviour.

Anyway I'm upset he's done this and want some advice on how to handle the situation.

PND is not seen that way anymore. If he has used that as a means of controlling you then you need to educate yourself and throw that one off. Clearly you cope, clearly you are not hysterical or unfit.

Personally I think you need to stop reacting to him and stop letting him dictate your behaviour (which he does every time he manipulates you). Start stepping back from him, distance yourself and try your best to remove the emotion from it all.

You are quite right KC.

What you have said is more or less what my mum said when I was talking to her earlier.

He knows how to push my buttons so I need to recognise that and not 'react'. Because everytime I have an "emotional" reaction he'll be thinking good, I've managed to wind her up again.

Try this as a little "control trick" just as you are keeping a diary, so could he.

Every time you react in an emotional manner picture him scribling it down with his own little spin on it.

It may not make you less angry but I'll put money on you refusing to vent your feelings in front of him again

Again that is great advice. Thank you

I must get to bed as DS will be up at crack of dawn.

Thanks again.

Night x

Update...have spoken to nursery today who offered their support and I made an appointment with a solicitor.

Looks like I should qualify for legal aid too, should I need it.

Thanks again everyone for support. I'll keep you all updated.

Great, I do hope you get things sorted out and things don't go on like this for you, and more importantly for DC. Neither of you deserve it.

Thank you lessonlearned.

I really want an amicable agreement and have bent over backwards to make this so. Hopefully this can still be acheived.

However,as XP is determined to go his own sweet way, regardless of what is good for DS then it has to be like this.

I really hope you manage to get some time in mediation with him. I think it would do you both good to see you as a together individual who makes valid points. (For him it would show that you are not quite the silly push-over he thinks and for you it would make you see that you are not the silly push-over he thinks you are - IYSWIM!)

I do SWYM

Will update you all when I have some more news.

Update for anyone who is interested, I had an initial meeting with a solicitor today.

On the practicial side of things I qualify for legal aid, so that's good.

Legally wise, he said XP is perfectly within his rights to act as he did in taking DS out of nursery for one day.

I was also praised for my mature and selfless attitude (!)

However.

Outcome is, he is sending a letter to XP giving (as he terms it) a kick up the bum, in effect pointing out his unreasonable behaviour and that a residence order will be considered if we cannot come to an agreement (which I would much prefer to dragging things through the court). This has either gone out this afternoon or tomorrow so...will see what reaction I get from XP. Not positive knowing him but we shall see.

I may need to come back here for some support depending on how it goes.

I'm feeling nervous but also pleased I have done something positive in standing up to bullying XP.

Well done Janos!
I hope it's the 'shot across the bows' that will wake up your XP.
I will watch out for your update and I have everything crossed that it brings him to his senses for DCs sake and for you peace of mind.

Sorry if I missed this but why did your ex move 40 miles away? That doesnt sound very child centric IYSWIM...

"when you share care, you share care"

I absolutely agree mrsjammi and I appreciate your POV.

He is committed, that is not the issue (not to me).

I feel very strongly that he is not acting in DS's best interests.

I would prefer to keep things from the court too and reach an amicable agreement with XP and have tried, tried and tried again. But it has not worked.

There are of course other issues which I don't wish to go into on here but I assure you that however it may seem from the posts I've made that I am not trying to make unreasonable demands.

Is there anyone about? The enormity of what's about to happen is really hitting me and I feel absolutely sick

I'm very, very fearful of XPs reaction. What if he gets the letter and goes mad and takes it out on DS? What if he keeps DS and won't return him to me?

It sounds utterly pathetic I know but the truth is he still frightens me

Janos, I know that you are frightened and have to make a stand to keep your DCs interests in the forefront of both DPs decisions.
Mrsjammi said she has not read the whole thread. If it was as simple as making decisions unilateraly based on where the DC was resident at the time then life would be very complicated for the DCs (as it was for mine). My exH changed doctors & dentists regularly in order to gain 'primary carer' status with CSA at the same time he was claiming to the courts that I was restricting access FFS!
I know how frightening it can be to have decisions made by exHs so his control was exerted at all costs and how the agencies involved get drawn into the battle.
Mrsjammi, janos is not trying to dictate terms to her exH, quite the reverse, she is trying to make sure decisions are made in DCs best interest and she deserves to be kept informed and to have some input.

Thank you lessonlearned

I really appreciate that. I have talked to my mum about this, who has been a wonderful support all along.

She said "I understand you're frightened and I don't blame you..but what could he do to you that's worse than what he's already done?"

I think I may have gone a bit nuts if it hadn't been for the support and help I've had from my frienda and family - and here of course!

But, F&F I can talk to and they know what XP is like, lots of stuff about things that have gone on which I haven't detailed here.

BTW that is not at all to "complain" about the support I've had on here which has been great so please don't take it that way.

Keep us posted on how you are janos. I know how scary it is to deal with a controling man. Things can take so many twists and turns.

"there is little for janos to fear"

Well...you don't know my XP. But you are entitled to your opinion.

"praising the ex for his commitment to his son"

This would would be why he routinely gets his wife and in laws to pick up DS from nursery because he is too busy with work, I expect. There's an example of information I haven't previously revealed.

Another example of his behaviour. I have asked him 4 times this week for the contact details of the new nursery, which he has still not seen fit to give. Is that reasonable?

I can understand where you are coming from mrsjammi even if I do not agree with it. This is helpful to see things from the other side.

I would reiterate that I have bent over backwards to be reasonable and helpful to XP and it has just not worked as he thinks, well I can can simply do as I like.

I agree with the motives of solicitors, mrsjammi (to my cost) and that in the court the 'primary carer' takes no precidence.
However for CSA purposes the 'primary carer status' determines who makes a claim. In my case I ended up paying maintanance for DCs who lived with me. Mainly due to my exH power and status scaring the beegeesus out of every agency the DCs were involved with.
When you have a sick child being operated on, and discover the hospital is being used as a pawn in financial abuse of the other parent, it makes you aware that he is not acting in the DCs interest.