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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My XP has moved DS to new nursery without even telling me!

162 replies

Janos · 08/02/2009 13:33

We currently have a joint care arrangement, not formalised. He has DS Thur-Sat and he's with me Sunday to Wednesday.

Anyway, XP kindly informed me today that on one of the days DS is with him, he's moved him to a new nursery.

We had already discussed this and I said I didn't want him to go as I thought it would be disruptive AND said I would look after him.

However, as usual he has gone ahead and done what he likes and hell mend my opinion or what is good for DS. He has a history of this type of high handed behaviour.

Anyway I'm upset he's done this and want some advice on how to handle the situation.

OP posts:
NAB09 · 08/02/2009 16:38

If there is potential for a parent to make a decision against the other parents wishes that will harm the child, then absolutely don't discuss it but it seems like Janos' ex is just trying to score points and make things difficult for Janos without thinking about whether it is the best thing for their child.

what2donow · 08/02/2009 16:40

Janos I accept entirely you're nothing like my Xp!

Luckily few people are I would suggest locking him in a room with your ex, but I suspect that would just make both of them worse.........

Surfermum · 08/02/2009 16:45

Crikey what2donow I can understand now why you'd not want to consult him . It's not like you're moving 300 miles away.

Rock and a hard place is exactly where you are Janos. It's not down to him - it's down to both of you.

I think what I would be doing is keeping evidence that I had attempted to talk to him about schools. And I would be making sure that the application was with the Education Authority and not being changed by him. Do you know what school he would favour? Maybe start thinking now about what his argument for it would be and yours against and the same for your choice, because if it came to court action and the court having to decide you would need to argue for what was in your child's best interests.

lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 16:48

Just to put a perspective on this with a long term view, my DCs still have relationships with both parents now they are adults. They choose the terms themselves and they can be very diplomatic about things. It's a shame they would never be able to have us in the same room together but they know from experience that it's for the best.
I would have liked things not to have been so hard for them but they have amased me by how well they have handled things. Their dad is a different person when he does not have me to control and from what they tell me he even has his good points! They are not stupid though and now the heat has gone out of our relationship the youngest has told me how she was manipulated by his lies. She tells me that she shut her ears to stories from her dad about me being involved in prostitution and 'other illegal activities' and how he said terrible things about my friends and family when she was small. She takes a very philosophical view of it now in order to have an easy life.

compo · 08/02/2009 16:54

the whole school issue should have bn sorted by now though surely? the forms go in round about now don't they and the decison will be made soon so if you have already appied for your local school then he isn't going to have any say in it is he?

what2donow · 08/02/2009 16:54

surfermum - thanks! Despite him thinking I am a selfish unreasonable biatch, I would never consider moving more than say half an hours drive away because I want him still to see the DCs every weekend as we agreed (& I know he wouldn't drive any further than that), because irrespective of what he's done to me & other people, he's still their dad & they do love him!

I also agree with what you say re schools for Janos - just to add that if you know what school he is thinking of for your DS, I would get as much info on it as possible to compare with the school(s) you want DS to go to - I would have thought it helpful if you could demonstrate either that 'your' schools are much better, or more suitable, for DS, also if there is more chance of DS being admitted to your choice, ie living in priority admission area etc....

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 16:59

Forms have already gone in for schools...I have registered DS at a local school. I did try to talk to XP about this several times but he just didn't want to listen. Gah.

Lessonlearned your XP sounds a lot like mine, sad to say.

OP posts:
lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 17:05

Janos, there's more of them about than people give credit for, I'm afraid!

KingCanuteIAm · 08/02/2009 17:15

Can I fly in the face of common opinion here?

Your ex did talk to you about it. He approached you with a problem (ie driving your child 40 miles twice a day) and a solution. You decided that answer was no. Couldn't that be described as high handed? After all you had differing opinions but you expected him to take your decision and put up with it.

Driving that far twice a day two days a week is not great for you dc and he is still going to be going to the nursery you have decided on some of the time.

Perhaps it would have been seen more as a joint decision if you had been and seen the nursery, took his thoughts on board etc. After all, you looking after him that day does not change the need to drive for nearly 2 hours a day.

As for you not having a say in him moving 40 miles, well, no you don't have a say in that, you are his ex not his partner. He is not being unreasonable to move house, he has not changed your access arrangements by moving. Even if the arrangement were formailsied in court you still would not have been able to stop him.

I seriously think you need to have a look at your expectations from a joint arrangement. From what you have put here it sounds like you wnat to be the controlling factor with your ex doing what you decide is best.

For the record I don't think that your feeling is unusual or abnormal. A joint arrangement is very difficult to maintain, especially when one parent says yes and one says no. THe thing is, this is not going to change as your dc gets older. It will always be difficult when you get to a stalemate and you need to work out exactly how you are going to manage those things both now and as time goes on.

I do agree that it could be better for you to have a custody/access arrangement but not fro the same reasons as other people seem to have been thinking.

lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 17:30

You can certainly fly in the face of opinion KC. I'm sure the OP is used to it, however, it becomes like water off a ducks back when you are dealing with someone as narcissistic as to sacrifise their DCs best interests for their control. If you were to reread the posts you would see that nobody here is suggesting the OP get into any tit-for-tat battle for one-upmanship, in fact, very far from it!

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 17:30

Hmm, well I see where you're coming from KingCanute.

However.

Just to take one point he knew that DS was still going to the nursery when he moved away, 40 miles. Look at it this way. Why should DS be taken out of a nursery where he is happy and settled to suit XP? It was his choice to move away.

As for me controlling things....I'd love it if that was the case, with poor old XP jumping to my unreasonable have-it-all-my-way tune. If it was, I wouldn't be posting on here for support that's for damn sure.

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 08/02/2009 17:36

Lessonlearned, I never suggested any of you had said any such thing.

Janos, I didn't say that that is the situation, I said that it sounds like that is the situation you would like. I also said that your feelings were not unusual or abnormal.

He hasn't taken him out of the nursery, he has changed one day a week. Your child is still going to the nursery where he is happy and settled.

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 17:38

Thank you lessonlearned but you are quite right - I am used to it!

Nor do I care where XP moves, it's his choice - of course it is - but DS has to be considered as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 17:44

You'd be better off addressing your points to my XP, KingCanute.

He's the one who assumes everything will go his way and wants to be in control, not me.

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 08/02/2009 17:46

Janos - and lessonlearned. Please do not talk about me as if I have done something terrible, I simply presented a different POV in a fairly sensitive and understanding manner. We do not all have to agree. If you are posting here than it is because you want support, IMO part of supporting is also to show other ways to see aproblem not just to agree blindly.

Of course I could have posted "FGS give the guy a break he just wants to spend a bit more time with dc rather than driving for hours, get a grip" Which would have been unsupportive, unkind and not necessary. Instead I thought it through, spent time over my wording to come up with a reasonable post presenting a different opinion.

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 17:51

I don't see where I'm saying you have done anything terrible, KingCanute?

In fact I'm surprised more people haven't come on with your POV.

There are other issues there with XP of course but you are not to know that.

OP posts:
Surfermum · 08/02/2009 17:54

I didn't take on board the moving 40 miles bit. Wanting to change the nursery for one day a week isn't on the face of it that unreasonable. It makes sense, unless your ds was really hard to settle at his other nursery. And I can understand what KingCanute is saying.

But I get the sense from your posts Janos that there is much more to this. What alarmed me is him changing his address with the doctor. Why do that? Surely you'd say to them "he lives part time with me and part time with his mum at these addresses".

It might be that it would be difficult for you to make a big fuss about the nursery - how would this look to an outsider. He wants one thing, you've said no, he's done it anyway. Why should you veto something that he wants for your ds. I don't get the feeling you are like that at all, but DYSWIM? But forewarned is forearmed and if he is like this over the nursery what is he going to be like about the school. He might have very good and very valid reasons for choosing the school he does. Just like you will. What's going to be difficult is working out a compromise if there is one, or deciding who gets their own way. I don't like that expression but I have potatoes boiling so am posting and dashing off! lol

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 18:03

I do see exactly what you mean SurferMum.

It's a very tough decision and really not about who is in the eight but what is right for DS.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 18:04

Agh..in the right, I mean.

OP posts:
lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 18:05

No worries at all KC, I know you are coming from a place where all reasonable people would, and FWIW I also said much the same before janos told me I was onto something out of the 'norm' (whatever that is),as is my unfortunate family experience.
You are so right that in a fair and reasonable parenting experience worries of this kind would border on the paranoid, but to quote a cliche 'just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean their not out to get you'
I have met Cafcass workers and social workers and doctors, who originally thought my exH was right and I was "off my head" and some of them have used my experience to further their learning of DA (not that it actually helped me) and I'm glad to share my experience if it helps affirm anyone in similar situations. FWIW i would rather none of us had to think this way.

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 18:13

Thank you lessonlearned you put it very well.

KingCanute sorry if you felt attacked. That was not my intention, sometimes I just feel expaserated with the whole situation, that's not your fault of course.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 18:14

Agh..exasperated. It's affecting my typing now!

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 08/02/2009 18:16

This is just it though, I don't think either of you are in the right - in fact it seems that you have both done the same thing. You laid the law down by saying no and he laid the law down by saying yes. Neither of you should have taken a decision that totally blocked the other persons wishes. This is why shared care is so very tough.

I don't know what else is/has gone on so I can only comment on what I see here. I know how tough shared are is as I do it and have done for some considerable time now. There are times when the other person is being unreasonable and there are times when it only appears that way. IMO shared care is the single most difficult thing you can possibly do with regard to contact arrangements. It takes an awful lot to make it work, again I feel I can comment on this as myself and my ex failed to make it work for the majority of the time. Now we have managed to find a way of quietly ignoring each other for anything but the most important decisions (and my dc is now old enough to be taking most of those decisions with our guidance)

KingCanuteIAm · 08/02/2009 18:17

Sorry, posted slowly and missed the last few posts - will be back in a second!

lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 18:21

Sory, sorry, so so sorry KC. I never meant to imply that you cannot understand the situation janos is in or that we are in any way in an exclusive club that you have no place in. Of course you are right to give your pov... arghhh, I can only hope you stick with us and try to broker the grey areas of parenting in very extreme DA situations, I'm afraid it doesn't all come right in the separation every time. Your POV is very much appreciated, devils advocate is always worth listening to.