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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My XP has moved DS to new nursery without even telling me!

162 replies

Janos · 08/02/2009 13:33

We currently have a joint care arrangement, not formalised. He has DS Thur-Sat and he's with me Sunday to Wednesday.

Anyway, XP kindly informed me today that on one of the days DS is with him, he's moved him to a new nursery.

We had already discussed this and I said I didn't want him to go as I thought it would be disruptive AND said I would look after him.

However, as usual he has gone ahead and done what he likes and hell mend my opinion or what is good for DS. He has a history of this type of high handed behaviour.

Anyway I'm upset he's done this and want some advice on how to handle the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 18:24

Agh..exasperated. It's affecting my typing now!

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 18:28

"IMO shared care is the single most difficult thing you can possibly do with regard to contact arrangements. "

You are right there KingCanute..it is very difficult indeed!

OP posts:
lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 18:31

Let's all take a deep breath and say "ommmm".
I'm greatful to be a part of this debate and I don't claim any moral high ground, (on the contrary - I am also ok with talking about my mistakes (of which there are many) nor do I have the answers. My family has survived (quite well, to my surprise) so there is hope....

KingCanuteIAm · 08/02/2009 18:31

Lessonlearned, I have met all of those people too - in fact I have been through Caffcass twice (upper and lower levels) and social services at least a dozen times. I am very experienced with the whole "I'm right, he's wrong" debarcle. I agree that it is a nightmare, I agree that it is hard to navigate. Above all else it makes it very very difficult to judge each occurance on its own merit.

This is why I wanted to put a different perspective on it. What he asked for was not unreasonable in-itself. By getting things out of perspective you open yourself up to appearing to be the unreasonable one. A court will usually work with the person who is seeming to be most reasonable. If you decide to go to court and say things like "he moved my dc to a nursery just down the road so he didn't have to drive 2hrs a day - yes it was just 1 day a week but I didn't want him to" then you will sound unreasonable. Part of what makes people who are controlling dangerous is when they are also clever. When they can be controlling in such a way as to make you out to be in the wrong then you have to be much more clever. You have to be able to stand back from the games, see them for what they are and work out how you can make sure that it comes back round on them at some point. (also you need to accept that you cannot win them all and sometimes you have to let things go and wait for another day)

KingCanuteIAm · 08/02/2009 18:36

See, lessonlearned, I missed your post too - I must scroll back up before I post!

Don't worry I have got past the offended stage, I realise this is an emotive situation and a difficult topic.

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 18:43

Your last post makes an awful lot of sense KingCanute - thanks for sticking around.

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lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 18:45

Absolutely right KC, indeed, it is important not to react defensively, but always in the interests of the Dcs.
This is why I want to share my experience, because if anyone can learn from my mistakes that is my salvation. Many times when I was caught up in the power struggle and people refused to give me any understanding in the face of an outwardly powerful man, they ran like fuck and me and the DCs were left to deal with it! It was not until it all died down and these individuals were out of the firing line that they admitted how hard it was for them. Remember it's just a job to them at the end of the day - we have lived it!!!

KingCanuteIAm · 08/02/2009 18:46

You are welcome, I did not post without expecting some kind of reaction and I continued to post to try to make you all understand that I was not trying to be inflamatory or difficult but was actually trying to be helpful!

KingCanuteIAm · 08/02/2009 18:51

Luckily for me the Caffcass I had experience of were actually intelligent enough to see things did not add up and did their best to work their way through it.

Even better, eventually, he was given enough rope to hang himself with. (not literally but you can't have everything )

But, the reason they worked so hard with me is because I was working so hard to be reasonable and they could see that. By doing that it illuminated the fact that he kept changing the goal posts and whatever I agreed to was not good enough.

lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 18:54

KC, FWIW i do think your posts are most helpful - there are many times in my history when I have played right into the 'game' by acting hysterical and for that very reason, if we can give some belated perspective then we might help some DCs in the nightmare that 'shared care' can become.

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 18:55

This is something I do react strongly to, I'm afarid I do see red when I feel as though someone is defending my XP.

Trying to look at it objectively - which is hard - I do see that I might sound like the unreasonable one.

And certainly my XP is very intelligent too. He is very good at making it look as though I am unreasonable and in the wrong.

XP is someone who has lots of clout and is well respected in his line of work, I'm "just" a single mum with a part time admin job.

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Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 18:56

I really read you wrong KC - I'm very sorry.

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lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 19:06

Janos as KC said Cafcass are well placed to see through this, maybe not well enough to influence judges, but they did tell me some things retrospectively to let me know they are trying. They have a lot going against them - public opinion, the voice of the 'powerful', their own niavity (sp), lack of understanding of DA v DV etc. but they are trying. We have to represent the voice of reason in the interests of the DCs to challenge opinion and 'attack' in this forum is not the weapon of the reasonable.

KingCanuteIAm · 08/02/2009 19:06

No problem Janos, waht you are going through sounds very difficult indeed and I do feel for you. (besides it is always tough being the lone voice of reason )

lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 19:14

Please keep posting janos, and if neccessary print off your discussions for court/mediation purposes. You have given a balanced view of how difficult life is when your DH behaves unilaterally.

KingCanuteIAm · 08/02/2009 19:23

(that really was a joke btw, probably in bad taste sorry )

lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 19:31

I don't think you have posted anywhere in bad taste KC. We are entitled to keep our sense of humour in the face of very difficult circumstances - in fact, it is often exactly where we triumph!

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 19:48

No apology needed KC

Support from people who have been there is invaluable are really helpful.

Anyway, I think I may have to pick my battles and let this one go.

I imagine his thought processes are along the lines of who is she telling me what to do, fucking nerve etc.

Thoughts...I'm going to suggest mediation as a first point of contact.

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Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 19:49

Bad typos again...not reviewing my posts. I mean 'invaluable AND really helpful'!

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KingCanuteIAm · 08/02/2009 20:08

I think mediation would be a good idea, just make sure you write things down as they happen. Often I would get to mediation and find I was so angry about all the crap that had happened (and often the lies that had been told in court/to caffcass/ to my dc) that I couldn't formulate my thoughts when I got there.

Once I started to write things down it meant I had something to focus on so as I could stop myself reacting when he started spouting rubbish and I could stop my head becoming a blank buzzing mash of frustration and anger.

lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 20:17

Me too KC, me too, all too easy to be branded unreasonable - even in family mediation.
Much, much easier to work out your approach with the few who understand, than to have professionals tell you later that you furthered their learning!!!

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 20:36

That's such a good idea.

I'm lucky to have a very supportive mum and she encouraged me to keep a diary of his unreasonable behaviour so that's what I've been doing.

I have a plan of action for what I;m going to do starting tomorrow:

  1. Call DS's nursery and let them know what's happening. Ask some advice (the manager is very good - she has 'stood up' to XP on more than one occasion which he doesn't like).

  2. Find out about getting some sort of legal representation via my union.

I've had a reduction in salary (not great anyway) so hopefully would get legal aid.

Thank you so much..your support really is invaluable.

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Surfermum · 08/02/2009 20:44

What a refreshing thread this has turned out to be, and lots of great advice. I wish you luck with it Janos.

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 20:51

Thank you Surfermum.

I'm very lucky in that I have a lot of good support behind me.

One of my 'fears' has always been that because of bad PND I would classed as irrational/hysterical/an unfit mum. That's what years of living my XP did to me.

But you know..I work, I run a house, I look after my DS and he is a happy and healthy little boy. And I do it all on my own. That's not being an unfit mum, is it?

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lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 21:22

Not at all in my book, janos. and FWIW, if yoiu were to copy this link for your character witness, it would confirm that you are very very rational indeed!!!

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