My XP has moved DS to new nursery without even telling me!

[Janos]

We currently have a joint care arrangement, not formalised. He has DS Thur-Sat and he's with me Sunday to Wednesday.

Anyway, XP kindly informed me today that on one of the days DS is with him, he's moved him to a new nursery.

We had already discussed this and I said I didn't want him to go as I thought it would be disruptive AND said I would look after him.

However, as usual he has gone ahead and done what he likes and hell mend my opinion or what is good for DS. He has a history of this type of high handed behaviour.

Anyway I'm upset he's done this and want some advice on how to handle the situation.

"It makes sense for one of you to have your son during the week"

You see, I agree with this 2rebecca. That is ideally what I would like for my son. I would laugh at your allegation that I am a control freak if the allegation wasn't so absurd.

I am very far from that as you would understand if you know me IRL however you do not so I accept that you will form opinions from what I put here.

You haven't upset me mrsjammi. At this stage, I have gone beyond being upset. I accept it is something people have strong opinions on and you don't agree with me - that's fine.

He is funding then 'new' nursery, yes. We both pay for the 'old' nursery.

"the problem is, if you give him to his dad on the weekends, soon that will become a problem as well, because you wont want him to be with his dad every weekend because you work most of the week and he is in school on mondays, so then every weekend will become unreasonable as you wont get to spend quality time with him on the weekends
"

I'm sorry, but you are wrong. That is not my intention at all, it never has been and it never will be.

I can see that this thread might take a nasty turn which is not a good idea at a stressful time for me so I'm asking for it to be deleted.

Thank you anyway to all who have posted helpful messages.

I don't think anyone has been nasty. You just view people disagreeing with you as people being unpleasant. If you come on a message board for opinions some people are going to agree with you and some aren't. Your ex moving his son to a nursery nearer him on the days he has him doesn't make him a bad parent in my opinion, any more than you wanting your son in a nursery near you when you have him makes you a bad parent. You didn't seem to like this view though.

"You just view people disagreeing with you as people being unpleasant. "

Have you read the thread? Because that simply isn't true - and this would be the second thread in this topic section you've misread, and then accused accordingly. (Financial exploitation, remember?)

You may not regard your abrasive manner as a problem for you. That's fine. But it seems to be problematic for others, plural - which maybe indicates the issue isn't with the OP.

Janos, I do agree with mrsjammi that no days outside school with your child may be really hard to take - you'll only see him mornings and evenings. I think you perhaps do need to have a think about how to make a shared-care arrangement for a schoolaged child workable, and if in fact it is. It's hard, isn't it?

Hang on - this was quite a refreshing thread until recently - there were differences of opinion but they were resolved quite amicably what went wrong? i feel that dad chose to move 40 miles away and thus created a deal of upheaval for his son. why on earth are you giving a man sympathy for the 80 mile round trip he chose to undertake - i assume he knew the situation when he moved. Janos your current care arrangement is not practical going forward. My dss lives with us tuesday wednesdya and every other weekend. It seems on the surface like a good plan but actually means a lot of upheaval for the little lad and is quite difficult for him to keep up with. Think carefully.

I cant help but think that the dad moving so far away has created a problem for the shared care arrangement.
Hell or high water would not drag DP 40 miles away from DSD. Indeed when a judge pulled a face about shared care being difficult because DP was a mere 5 miles away from the ex's house we at great expense and stress moved to be within 1 1/2 of the ex.
I am all for shared care but I am at a loss to know how this shared care arrangement could work given the distance between the two homes, that of course will be especially difficult when the child starts school.

practically a shared care arrangement cannot work at this kind of distance so i think you both need to carefully work through who will have the boy in the week. Perhaps if dad is concerned about him making friends, a social group or activity of some kind - like cubs - would be a good way for him to bond and allow the son to build friendships where he is??

Well I braved the thread again today.

I must admit I was feeling pretty fragile yesterday, this whole business is very stressful and believe me I do know what a huge, big deal it is.

Thank you again for all the thoughtful advice posted. I do appreciate it.

Janos How come his dad only put him in the new nursery on Fridays? Is it because they didn't have a place available on Thursday because otherwise it doesn't really make sense as he is still making the 160 mile round trip on Thursday's to take him to his other nursery and it will probably take him longer to settle at the new nursery if he only goes one day a week. Surely it would make more sense for him to go to the new nursery on both Thursdays and Fridays?

NappyAddict, I honestly don't know what XP is doing on Thursdays now with regards to child care as I spoke to the nursery on Friday (when I knew he would not be there) and they advised me DS wasn't in on Thursday either. Previously he or DS' step mum have been bringing him through.

Anyhow he's made this decision and you'd have to ask him what his rationale is as I really don't know.