Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My XP has moved DS to new nursery without even telling me!

162 replies

Janos · 08/02/2009 13:33

We currently have a joint care arrangement, not formalised. He has DS Thur-Sat and he's with me Sunday to Wednesday.

Anyway, XP kindly informed me today that on one of the days DS is with him, he's moved him to a new nursery.

We had already discussed this and I said I didn't want him to go as I thought it would be disruptive AND said I would look after him.

However, as usual he has gone ahead and done what he likes and hell mend my opinion or what is good for DS. He has a history of this type of high handed behaviour.

Anyway I'm upset he's done this and want some advice on how to handle the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 12/02/2009 21:58

I'd just like to say that I would vastly prefer to sort things out via mediation.

But XP simply doesn't listen and does what he likes anyway. What more can I say?

OP posts:
queenrollo · 12/02/2009 22:02

this is interesting reading for me and i am taking this on board as i have shared care of my ds. Things are totally amicable between me and ex, but sometimes i feel like he is undermining me and i don't know if i am imagining it or not.
Because of our individual work circumstances it does mean that when ds starts school he will be resident with his dad during the week.(this is very hard for me and am trying not to think too far ahead as i am looking at moving to be closer to him)

Janos - thinking of you and hope this all works out well.

Original poster
Janos · 12/02/2009 22:05

I have considered mediation, I would prefer it, I've suggested it more times than I care to remember.

XP either agrees then ignores all attempts to set up a meeting or just ignores my requests full stop.

Or else he makes an agreement then does what he likes anyway.

I realise you are a stepmum mrsjammi and are coming from that POV too. I'm not a "step mum basher" and have no bad feelings whatsoever towards XPs new wife, in fact every time we have spoken/met we have got on well although obviously due to circumstances we will never be the best of friends. DS speaks warmly of her and I have no reason to think negatively of her.

OP posts:
mrsjammi · 12/02/2009 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mrsjammi · 12/02/2009 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Janos · 12/02/2009 22:09

He has put that in the letter at my request mrsjammi.

You are probably right no doubt about who picks him up. How I see it and the courts see it (should it come to that) - obviously two different things.

I realise actually that is not clear from my post but I have said that (I mean asked solicitor).

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 12/02/2009 22:11

Oops last post is a bit jumbled. I mean that I have asked solicitor to put a request for mediation in the letter.

OP posts:
mrsjammi · 12/02/2009 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nappyaddict · 12/02/2009 22:12

Janos - is it thursday or friday when DS goes to this new nursery? If it is thursday then I agree with you that DS may aswell stay with you an extra day but if it is Friday I can see why it doesn't really make sense to drive 160 miles in a day when he can just go to a nursery local to Dad.

Surfermum · 12/02/2009 22:12

You're clearly very worried about his reaction. I can understand that, it's a dilemma isn't it? What do you do, try to be the nice reasonable one and hope they see sense, or start to get tougher and end up making things worse because of how they react. I remember it well.

You're NOT the bad guy here, Janos, remember that. You are just trying make sure your little one is OK.

Please try not to worry.

mrsjammi · 12/02/2009 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Janos · 12/02/2009 22:24

Thank you mrsjammi. I really do appreciate your POV it's so helpful to hear from people who have been there, on both sides. I'm sorry it's caused you so many problems money wise.

I also do appreciate not just being 'agreed' with, IYSWIM. Being challenged is helpful.

nappyaddict Firstly I hope your DS is getting better (saw the thread in chat), that must have been very scary for you both!

Anyway, it's Friday DS goes to his 'new' nursery. I see what you're saying there - it does save him a long journey in the car. But I did offer to have him on that day so his care wouldn't be disrupted, IYSWIM. I live 10 mins for the nursery so is no problem to take him in.

surfermum - that is my dilemma in a nutshell! It's so tough isn't it. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 12/02/2009 22:27

No problesm mrsjammi I get a bit stircrazy too if I'm stuck in all day

Have also managed in between postings to have a row with DP (on the phone, he doesn't live with me)...I'm doing well tonight!

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 12/02/2009 22:37

Janos - But for you to take him in to nursery wouldn't his dad still have to drive the 160 miles that day to drop him off at your house and pick him back up again later?

Original poster
Janos · 12/02/2009 22:43

No nappyaddict - I meant that I offered to have him all week, so I would be taking him in to nursery Tuesday - Friday.

I appreciate that's not clear from my posts but that is what I offered.

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 12/02/2009 22:46

I presume that would mean Dad having him Sat-Mon. Does he work Monday? If so you would just end up with the same problem.

Does he work Thursday? If not is there any chance he can swap from Friday to Thursday?

Original poster
Janos · 12/02/2009 22:55

Ah the work dilemma!

I don't work Monday, DS would be with me then.

XP works full time. He won't consider moving down to a 4 day week though, this is something he has 'agreed' to in the past and then reneged on.

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 13/02/2009 01:16

If he works full time where does DS go on thursday?

2rebecca · 13/02/2009 13:09

I would have thought that your son having 80 miles less travelling to do when with his dad was a good thing for him. School is different, then you need to agree on 1 school for him but I really don't see why having a nursery near you and 1 near his dad to save travelling time, have more fun time and help the environment is that bad an idea. Would you be keen to take your son to a nursery 40 miles away? It does sound a bit dotty. I agree with Mrs Jammi on this one. Shared care doesn't mean 1 of you makes a decision and the other one has to go along with it and you sound as stubborn as your ex on the nursery thing.
If you both continue to have shared care and to live 40 miles apart then he will end up with some activities near you and some near his dad, and some friends near you and some near his dad. Having a nursery near his dad may help him make local friends if his school ends up being nearer you. It may be the schools are better near his dad or midway between you.

Original poster
Janos · 13/02/2009 14:04

Arrgh!

I don't know which bit of 'I offered to look afetr my son MONDAY TO FRIDAY so he WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO TO ANOTHER NURSERY' are people NOT READING?

I'm off to bang my head against the keyboard now or something equally productive as this is just an exercise in frustration now and I have enough to deal with IRL.

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 13/02/2009 14:31

Janos sorry would you mind answering my question not sure if you missed it.

I was just thinking aswell is it only tuesday and wednesday that you work? Could Dad have him those days so he would only have to go to 1 nursery rather than 2 and then you have him on the days you you don't work?

Original poster
Janos · 13/02/2009 15:21

Sorry I did miss your question NA.

Normally he or his step mum or whoever XP sees fit drops DS off at his 'old' nursery, although this didn't happen yesterday.

XP was away working so my DS presumably spent the day with his stepmum yesterday.

Apologies 2rebecca if my last post seemed a bit rude. The situation is pretty stressful, that's not your fault of course. Thanks for posting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 13/02/2009 15:22

To answer also - I don't work Monday. DS is with me then.

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 13/02/2009 16:08

Do you work thursday and friday?

When you say old nursery is this the one that you send him to on Tues and Wed? If so I can't really understand him just going to the new nursery on Friday. Why doesn't he go on both Thursday and Friday or was there not a place available for both days?

2rebecca · 13/02/2009 16:38

If your son was with you though then his dad would still have to do an 80 mile round trip to get his son so I don't see how you having your son would help. I do however see how having a nearer nursery would help both reduce travelling time and help the environment and increase the amount of time your ex. perhaps you were offering to help look after your son at your exes house but that would be a bit strange. I don't really see why your son going to a nursery nearer his dad is such a bad thing.
I also don't see why him wanting your son to have a school/ nursery near him is unreasonable but you wanting a school nursery near you is OK. It sounds as though you are both rubbish at compromising. You have put your son down for a school near you despite knowing your ex is against this and wants your son to have a school nearer him. Your idea of your ex listening to you seems to be your ex doing what you want ie agreeing to your choices of school and nursery. Your ex has listened to you, he just wants his son to be nearer him, which is exactly the same as you. I suspect this shared care arrangement isn't going to work as you both sound like control freaks who won't see the others point of view. It makes sense for one of you to have your son during the week and your son's school to be near that parent and the other to have him at weekends.