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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP got violent sort of, but I provoked him, not sure what to make of it all (long)

262 replies

Crowley · 04/02/2009 12:13

I have name changed for this.

I have been with my partner for around 2 years, we have lived together for the past year or so.

I am out 3 nights a week on a college course (purely hobby, nothing that will further career or anything). Last friday night I was invited out to the pub for a few drinks. I went and DP was fine about it. I also went out on the saturday night with some friends and on the sunday morning until lunch time.

All last week was normal, work during day, out 3 nights at college. I was invited out again on Friday night to an anne summers party. I went but DP asked if I'd stay in saturday as he'd like to get a takaway and watch movie together. I agreed.

Saturday however I was invited out to somewhere I used to go years ago and had missed loads, I agreed. I didn't think DP would be that bothered.

Anyway he was and asked me to cancel. I said no. He got really angry with me and said I was being selfish. I kind if knew deep down that I was but I'm stubborn and didn't want to back down. I insisted I'd be going out and he didn't have to like it.

Saturday evening came and I started getting ready. He cornered me in the living room and said he wasn't going to let me out. I told him I wasn't asking for him permision and I turned my back on him. He then grabbed my arm, spun me back to him and pinned me against the wall. He dropped his arms when he realised he'd frightend me but he kept shouting in my face and he was being so aggressive. Its the first time I have ever feared him. Its the most frightened I have ever been to be honest. I thought he was going to beat me up.

He finished by shouting "get away, out of my fucking sight" and I ran upstairs. I cancelled going out and then started to get changed into night clothes, crying. He came charging upstairs a few minutes later, caught me half undressed and shouted "are you getting changed???" thinking I was getting ready to go out. I told him I was getting changed into nightclothes and he shouted "don't you dare fucking lie to me" and I showed him my nightdress. I was crying and so scared again and he took it off me, put his arms around and me and said "i'm so sorry, I'm acting like a complete twat. Don't ever be frightened of me, I just miss you when you're out all the time".

I'm confused by it all because I KNOW I provoked the whole thing by being so selfish and arrogent. But, I'm still not sure if he would have hit me if I'd pushed him further and that bothers me.

I have apologised to but I'm now feeling wary of him which I never did before. Am I justified or as it was my own fault it got so bad, should I let it go?

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 04/02/2009 12:17

It sounds like you both behaved very badly to each other...do you actually want to be with him? what is it about going out without him that is so enticing?

I think he needs to agree that his temper was out of control and he shouldn't have hurt or frightened you...is this really the first time he has been like this?

whitenoise · 04/02/2009 12:18

where were your children when all this was going on? or while you were out?

SoupDragon · 04/02/2009 12:18

You need to sit down and talk about it with him.

OrmIrian · 04/02/2009 12:22

I think you need to talk to him. You both behaved badly but at least he had the decency to apologse for his behaviour. Have you?

Original poster

Crowley · 04/02/2009 12:23

I do want to be with him, he makes me very happy. I don't know what is wrong with me lately, I waited so long to find someone like him and everything has been going great. IBefore he came along I had no social life AT ALL. Then he gave me the confidence to find work and go to college, then my social life grew and I just jump at the chance to go out, like making up for all the long, lonely nights before things got so good. I tend to take it for granted that he will always be there.

The children go to their father on a weekend so were not around. He has never been violent towards me before but I have seen him turn violent towards other men.

OP posts:

NotPlayingAnyMore · 04/02/2009 12:23

Yeah, of course he started being nice to you the moment he could see you were doing what he wanted

I'll get straight to the point: I couldn't live or be with a man like this. I'd chuck him out or leave myself.

Original poster

Crowley · 04/02/2009 12:23

I have apologised, yes.

OP posts:

OhHowMarvellous · 04/02/2009 12:24

I think you need to get out, sorry but that's terrifying and completely uncalled for. I would kick him to the kerb, it will just get worse ime. Sorry

OhHowMarvellous · 04/02/2009 12:25

He's dangerous.

hobbgoblin · 04/02/2009 12:29

He was very angry. His behaviour was unacceptable in the face of what I believe was quite unfair behaviour from you.

People are individuals responsible for their own behaviour so nobody can blame someone else for violence. However, other people can be responsible for making us feel angry. This is what you did to him.

Unfortunately your dp did react aggressively, perhaps violently. What he should have done, after trying to talk to you and failing due to your stubbornness, was decided to leave you. That way he would be free to be with someone who cares equally about him as he does you.

I think you provoked his desperation and his helplessnes and his anger but the violence was down to him.

What you do about this now is down to both of you but you aren't giving him opportunities to sort things out by the sounds of things.

BlueSapphire77 · 04/02/2009 12:32

NAB09 · 04/02/2009 12:36

Can you be certain he will never react like that again?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 04/02/2009 12:37

Feck sake. You didn't 'both behave badly', you were perhaps a bit unfair in cancelling plans with him, but if my DH had barred my way and said he wasn't 'letting' me go out my reaction would have been 'fuck you, I'm going out and you won't stop me'. Bottom line is your DH reacted appallingly to something you did and frightened you. It didn't start with you deciding to go out, it started when he thought he could control what yo do. If he misses you he should tell you so, not 'ban' you from going out. If you capitulated when he said he wasn't letting you out you would have just told him he has the power to control where you go and what you do.

Anyone who can behave like that can, and will, do it again.

Mamazon · 04/02/2009 12:38

You were frightened and thats what matters.
I can have blazing arguments where we are screaming into each otehrs faces with people but i would never even question that they would hit me....my ex however only had to look at me disaprovingly and i would be terrified.

You were being selfish and i can fully understand his frustration at asking you to spend some time with him and you refusing but his reaction was extreme.

if this is the one and only time it has happened maybe there is more to it than you realise. but i would certainly insits that he speaks to someone abotu his anger at the very least.
and you need to grow up and realise your no longer single and have a repsonsibility to your relationship

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 04/02/2009 12:40

Hobbgoblin I really can't understand your POV. He should have left her because she cancelled plans with him? She doesn't care about him as he cares about her? Sounds like you are mistaking control for love here. He wants to control her movements so he must love her. She doesn't want to be controlled so she must not love him. Screwed up.

ThePgHedgeWitchIsCrankyBeware · 04/02/2009 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

what2donow · 04/02/2009 12:43

Is this the way he's going to react every time you don't do what he wants?

Personally I don't feel what you did was that wrong - and even if it was, the reaction from him was wholly inappropriate.

I remember that a few months into a relationship, I made a jokey, but slightly catty comment directed to my partner. His response was to scream and shout in my face like a lunatic.

I went upstairs, cried and decided I was the one in the wrong. He apologised and grovelled. I forgave him.

Then followed another 7 years of escalating rage on his part, which eventually resulted in violence, police cautioning him etc. He constantly belittled me and put me down and even now a year after I finally got out, he's still trying to control my life in various ways.

This could be a one off. But like you I remember that first time feeling wary of him, like he was a whole other person. Felling wary of, or on your guard with the person you love the most is not, ime, a good way to be.

hobbgoblin · 04/02/2009 12:46

I'm just trying to say what hedgewitch says really.

There was a build up to this whereby the OP was pretty self serving and the reasons for the dp's frustration are obvious. He didn't flip at the outset, and she speaks of his support for her independence. These are not the markers of abuse or control unless he has been offering then revoking freedoms by uisng violence to put the mockers on things. That isn't the case is it?

I think the OP took selfish behaviour a step too far and the DP sounds like he put up and shut up for a while. That's his mistake. But OP does speak of her stubbornness - in effect inability to compromise or deal with the problem he had.

They both could have prevented the outburst.

I don't think the dp was particularly violent either, but I don't think his behaviour was okay.

OrmIrian · 04/02/2009 12:47

Well quite.

what2donow · 04/02/2009 12:51

How is it up to the OP to prevent her partner from being violent or threatening?

My ex told the police on the occasions I called them that I had caused him to be violent by arguing with him, and verbally harassing him.

It's crap. If I had been a bloke, let alone one bigger than him, he wouldn't have done a thing.

My ex could have controlled his actions, just like the OP's partner. They both chose not to.

NAB09 · 04/02/2009 12:57

Does it ever matter what someone does if the other person is violent towards them?

ie - how can it ever be justified.

Only in the case of a child's life being threatened could I think of a way to justify one person being violent to another.

My worry is that he has done it once, has got away with it, and will do it again and it will escalate.

cheerfulvicky · 04/02/2009 12:58

I find this thread quite worrying actually - the responses on it, not the OP. Are some of you suggesting that because she acted like an idiot she deserved the violence and shouting in her face? You should never be afraid of your partner, EVER.
His reaction was totally out of proportion to what I would call selfish and hurtful behaviour. Still, it didn't merit that kind of treatment. Not even close to that. A long sad chat, reevaluating the relationship - him going away for a weekend to think about things perhaps. But that?? No way.

OrmIrian · 04/02/2009 13:01

Of course it didn't merit being grabbed by the arm and forced against a wall. Nothing really would. But the fact that he did this does not alter the fact that the OP behaved badly and childishly.

I don't see that what he did acts as any kind of barrier to discussion of her behaviour.

fishie · 04/02/2009 13:03

this doesn't sound to me as though it is about going out or staying in. it is about control and power.

he has a history of violence with other men and he started a relationship with you when you were low and vulnerable. all these things together are very worrying signs.

TotalChaos · 04/02/2009 13:03

I agree with mamazon and cheerfulvicky. I think it's pretty disturbing behaviour by DP. Not the most constructive way of getting your other half to want more couple time is it, throwing someone up against the wall.... Surely anyone should have the freedom to be selfish without being threatened in a violent manner?

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