DP got violent sort of, but I provoked him, not sure what to make of it all (long)

[Crowley]

I have name changed for this.

I have been with my partner for around 2 years, we have lived together for the past year or so.

I am out 3 nights a week on a college course (purely hobby, nothing that will further career or anything). Last friday night I was invited out to the pub for a few drinks. I went and DP was fine about it. I also went out on the saturday night with some friends and on the sunday morning until lunch time.

All last week was normal, work during day, out 3 nights at college. I was invited out again on Friday night to an anne summers party. I went but DP asked if I'd stay in saturday as he'd like to get a takaway and watch movie together. I agreed.

Saturday however I was invited out to somewhere I used to go years ago and had missed loads, I agreed. I didn't think DP would be that bothered.

Anyway he was and asked me to cancel. I said no. He got really angry with me and said I was being selfish. I kind if knew deep down that I was but I'm stubborn and didn't want to back down. I insisted I'd be going out and he didn't have to like it.

Saturday evening came and I started getting ready. He cornered me in the living room and said he wasn't going to let me out. I told him I wasn't asking for him permision and I turned my back on him. He then grabbed my arm, spun me back to him and pinned me against the wall. He dropped his arms when he realised he'd frightend me but he kept shouting in my face and he was being so aggressive. Its the first time I have ever feared him. Its the most frightened I have ever been to be honest. I thought he was going to beat me up.

He finished by shouting "get away, out of my fucking sight" and I ran upstairs. I cancelled going out and then started to get changed into night clothes, crying. He came charging upstairs a few minutes later, caught me half undressed and shouted "are you getting changed???" thinking I was getting ready to go out. I told him I was getting changed into nightclothes and he shouted "don't you dare fucking lie to me" and I showed him my nightdress. I was crying and so scared again and he took it off me, put his arms around and me and said "i'm so sorry, I'm acting like a complete twat. Don't ever be frightened of me, I just miss you when you're out all the time".

I'm confused by it all because I KNOW I provoked the whole thing by being so selfish and arrogent. But, I'm still not sure if he would have hit me if I'd pushed him further and that bothers me.

I have apologised to but I'm now feeling wary of him which I never did before. Am I justified or as it was my own fault it got so bad, should I let it go?

The way the OP behaved would have made me very angry indeed. I can see how some fairly reasonable people could say something stupid due to feeling angry and taken for granted(ie I will stop you then....)

Obviously towering over your partner in an aggressive manner and pushing them is horribly intimidating and never appropriate.

However I think the OP needs to really explore her own issues and learn how to compromise, as well as encouraging her partner to seek some relationship counselling with her so that both learn communicate in the most productive manner.

He has at least apologised and is remorseful (and will hopefully agree to work on controlling his anger) but will the OP recognise that she also needs to work on aspect of her own behaviour?

respect ?

Was this bloke showing his partner "respect" when he slammed her up against the wall?

Utter tosh. That is a silly comment salem1,(but of course you are entitled to it

Actually, I agree with wannaBe, word for word.

I physically attacked my dh several years ago Punching into his chest with my fists I was so angry. He didn't seem to be listening to what I was saying, and I know fully understand the meaning of flying into a rage. Because that's what I did. For a few minutes.

The look on dh face said it all.

I have never ever been so ashamed and upset at my own actions. How the hell could I possibly want to hurt the person I love the most? And I would have been devastated if dh had ended it with me.

We had a long talk, and he told me that he knew violence wasn't me (iyswim) Shouting, yes, because I'm a shouty type of person.
But he also made it clear that he would not stand for being treated like that again.

You know your dp. And yes, I agree with many posters that this could be start of something nasty.

But on the other hand, it could have been, like me, a one off.

Please talk to him properly before making any decision.

Salem1: it sounds like what you mean is 'women should obey men and defer to them.' WHich is bullshit. No one is entitled to obedience from a partner.

solidgold, I think that in this case though the OP clearly didn't stop to think about her OH's feelings when she canceled a night with him and she still didn't stop to think about his feelings when he asked her to change her plans and stick to the plans they had already made, and she said no.

Seems to me his reaction was quite extreme but mostly because he felt emotional, insecure and upset.

I have had some outrageous temper tantrums because my OH has upset me and I don't see why it's ok for women to behave like this but not for men.

Yes he should have tried to remain calm, yes he was scary but given the circumstances and the rudeness of the OP towards her partner along with the fact that this was obviously out of character for him I think perhaps he deserves a break.

He wasn't asking her to Obey him per se, he was asking her to not drop him like a hot potato for friends.

She also knew at the time that she was being unreasonable and it still didnt stop the OP from disregarding a reasonable request to stay in. She still had time to reconsider but continued to prepare for going out and was very rude and provoking. I would have felt very disregarded and upset if I was the OPs partner.

I really think she needs to address why she sees her partner just as a babysitter and not as someone with whom she can enjoy a social occasion. I think she is taking him for granted completely. This does not excuse his behaviour and I think he needs to also address his aggression.

He may be someone who actually has 'a long fuse' does not like confrontation then when he finally allows himself to be angry doesnt know how to deal with it. Certainly I would have been asking the OP to stop taking me for granted long before the final Saturday.

I think the OP should leave, simply because she clearly doesn't want to be with her partner or spend any time with him. I am not surprised he got frustrated at her selfishness although he should not have reacted in the way he did.

He would be better off with someone who loved him and loved being with him, and OP sounds as if she really wants to be single with a good babysitter!

TBH it sounds like he reacted badly out of panic for a relationship that he felt was going wrong.
You say he has encouraged you and helped build your confidence - for what? To be excluded from your life? He asked you for one night so that you could balance your busy social/work life with a bit of intimacy. He stopped short of violence and it sounds like he surprised himself with the force of feeling and has expressed remorse. When anyone feels threatened there is a physical response of 'fight or flight' - it's a survival strategy - which bypasses the thinking resonse and compels immediate action.
This does not smack of manipulation, systematic cruelty or any evil intention.
Can I suggest the OP is looking here for an excuse to end this relationship and walk away polishing her halo. If so IMHO that does smack of manipulation to me.

and where is the Op ?

I'm wondering if my frankness sends some OPs running for the hills.... I would rather be flamed for taking a devils advocate position than to stop a thread in it's tracks.
Maybe I'm just out of order in expressing my (strong) pov.

no LL, you are wonderful, I always read your posts

very succinct and totally spot-on in the relationship threads

Yes, respect. Simple. Men love it more than women. Statistics show that many men commit crime due to issues around 'not been shown respect'.

As you can see I seem to have provoked you very easily by a simple posting of my opinion that I'm entitled to - and you have reacted with verbal abuse.

Imagine if OP was your DH/DP and disrespected you. I can only imagine what YOUR response would be.

Respect to men like that comes alarmingly close to instilling fear . Anyone demanding respect is sure to deserve none.

The OP did come back (on another thread) and did point out that she knew she was being selfish and had aknowledged that in her first post.

Salem1: people who 'want respct' and resort to violence when they don;t get it are inadequate wankers who should be treated with mockery and contempt then, if they do resort to violence, should be arrested and charged. Having a penis does not entitle you to intimidate other people to cover up your own pathetic insecurities.

Bless your hearts.

I don't use swear/derogatory words in any of my posts because I know what giving respect means.

Anger does not equal abuse but can lead to it. A lot of people seem to be getting angry here - are you being abusive?

I punched my dh on the arm once
and once he grabbed me when we were arguing.

Both very very out of character. We are both generally calm, loving people.
The OP was going out 5x a week, using her dp as some sort of free babysitting service for HER children, and he got pissed off. Didn't handle it all that well, but I think he had the right to get pissed off.

Crowdy, are you pushing him to see how much he will take. You know, like Erin Brockovich and the dishy next door neighbour motorcycle guy

That's correct RIMOV - you're learning

Authority is different from being Authoritarian.

Statistics came from research into UK criminal violence among men and cited that ' being disrespected' was a main cause of it.

Salem: that;s not a reason to 'show men respect'. It's a reason to lock the fuckers up. Do you blame all victims of crime for criminals' actions, or is it just women that ought to 'know their place'?

If I engage with you further I'll feel like I'm disrespecting myself.

You seem to be getting more upset than the OP. She knows and admitted her responsibility in all this - on other threads as well!

So on that note. I'll leave you to calm down (or do some research) and let the OP get on with her life.

Cya!