DP got violent sort of, but I provoked him, not sure what to make of it all (long)

[Crowley]

I have name changed for this.

I have been with my partner for around 2 years, we have lived together for the past year or so.

I am out 3 nights a week on a college course (purely hobby, nothing that will further career or anything). Last friday night I was invited out to the pub for a few drinks. I went and DP was fine about it. I also went out on the saturday night with some friends and on the sunday morning until lunch time.

All last week was normal, work during day, out 3 nights at college. I was invited out again on Friday night to an anne summers party. I went but DP asked if I'd stay in saturday as he'd like to get a takaway and watch movie together. I agreed.

Saturday however I was invited out to somewhere I used to go years ago and had missed loads, I agreed. I didn't think DP would be that bothered.

Anyway he was and asked me to cancel. I said no. He got really angry with me and said I was being selfish. I kind if knew deep down that I was but I'm stubborn and didn't want to back down. I insisted I'd be going out and he didn't have to like it.

Saturday evening came and I started getting ready. He cornered me in the living room and said he wasn't going to let me out. I told him I wasn't asking for him permision and I turned my back on him. He then grabbed my arm, spun me back to him and pinned me against the wall. He dropped his arms when he realised he'd frightend me but he kept shouting in my face and he was being so aggressive. Its the first time I have ever feared him. Its the most frightened I have ever been to be honest. I thought he was going to beat me up.

He finished by shouting "get away, out of my fucking sight" and I ran upstairs. I cancelled going out and then started to get changed into night clothes, crying. He came charging upstairs a few minutes later, caught me half undressed and shouted "are you getting changed???" thinking I was getting ready to go out. I told him I was getting changed into nightclothes and he shouted "don't you dare fucking lie to me" and I showed him my nightdress. I was crying and so scared again and he took it off me, put his arms around and me and said "i'm so sorry, I'm acting like a complete twat. Don't ever be frightened of me, I just miss you when you're out all the time".

I'm confused by it all because I KNOW I provoked the whole thing by being so selfish and arrogent. But, I'm still not sure if he would have hit me if I'd pushed him further and that bothers me.

I have apologised to but I'm now feeling wary of him which I never did before. Am I justified or as it was my own fault it got so bad, should I let it go?

Lessonlearned: lots of people offered a variety of good advice about either fixing the relationship or ending it. Then Salem came jumping in with the suggestion that women who get beaten up don't show men enough respect, and that women who feel men are not entitled to beat their partners are attention-seeking marriage wreckers. So Salem got called on his/her stupidity (I do not know what gender Salem is, whether he/she has gender identity issues etc and I don;t actually care one way or the other. He/she does have a very unhealthy viewpoint on gender issues, though).

Time and a place. This thread not the place. Start another thread.

You're talking about children. When an adult woman gives every indication of being miserable in her relationship, it's not appropriate to start talking about bandwagons etc.

And fwiw, if a woman rings women's aid to talk about being controlled and bullied, she is taken very seriously. The person at the other end of the phone won't say, "another one?!" I had a call like this 2 minutes ago, what is it with you all?"

And obviously that goes for help that the social services offer to women who've been in terrible relationships. They are believed!! NOt met with scepticism with somebody with an open mind

I'm not defending Salem, solidgold.
I speak for myself.
I think it was for the best that salem withdrew from the firing line when things became heated last night, and I don't think it's good form to laugh and point when emotions are running high, just to get a reaction.

I don't think it's valid to say that everyone is entitled to a debate, when one of the posters is not debating, s/he is simply posting silly one-liners with lots of smileys. That's not debate, that's trolling, imo.

You don't have to respond to everyones posts though. There's lot's I skim and lot's where I think 'just leave them to get on with it'.

I have been thinking about this thread today. Wondering what exactly it was about it that upset me so much.

Leaving aside the sneaking suspicion that the OP posted an invented situation, with an invented name for some reason only known to themselves....

I think the thing that is so upsetting is that someone could deliberately goad and mock people who have been through terrible and traumatic experiences. Then to crow about the reactions to that derision, and show their triumph at drawing out cries of pain and outrage...well that is the actions of a person with no empathy.

One of the defining characteristics of a psychopath is their total lack of empathy.

I find it utterly unbelievable that anyone can be so cruel... Well I would find it unbelievable, had I not grown up with people like this...and then gone on to have relationships with them.

To leave a partner like this, and to take your children with you, is to save your children from a lifetime of repeating what they see in their insane and twisted home life.

To be on your own, free from such a person is ten million times better in every single way than to struggle on trying to force someone who is incapable or unwilling, to lead a normal life with respect and empathy for their partner.

In an ideal world it would of course be preferable to try to get your partner to therapy, to heal their disorder. Unfortunately the nature of these disorders is such that the person afflicted has such a sense of entitlement that they think they are perfect. Some people are beyond healing. With these people you have to save your own self and your children.

Yes I am probably paranoid....but just because I am paranoid does not mean that terrible events did not happen. At least I know that I am insane....I do not need to be mocked and laughed at for that. The dangerous ones are the ones who are insane but don't have the insight to know it.

All,

This Salem1 guy... he's a knob. But you keep responding.

I think that XKCD put it best.

And then there's this.

:-)

Leave it. He's a knob.

personally,

I think that salem makes the odd provocative and interesting comment, which is often not easy to swallow. I suspect that he/she (we never found out if she's a man or merely a mysoginist muslim transexual?!!!) could explain her viewpoint in a more empathetic manner but chooses not to.

And what the hell, why should she/he? If I find she's getting boring, I'll ignore him. [grin}

Lessonlearned, your posts are always so wise and well expressed.

oh damn, i hate it my goes haywire.

Ta, mumonthenet. I try, really I do, but like everyone, sometimes I can be careless with peoples feelings when I get overemotional (or full of vino )

am also full of vino

that's why I can't get my s right.

Adults who are unable to read properly or comprehend another pov are immature

You need counselling if you get upset and throw tantrums on an interntet message board

You are uneducated if you think there is no such thing as freedom of speech

You are ignorant to attack an abuser and then demonstrate worse abusive behaviour than them for less provocation

The internet is a place where you don?t know who people are. I could be the OP for all you know ? have you ever thought about that one?

It?s only an immature person that everyone on the internet are the same as you and should have the same points as you.

You continue to allow me to control you by responding continually in an angry manner while I remain calm. The very thing you claim to despise.

That's why I remain humoured by it all

Get a grip up and put a on your face.

Of course, it's always worth remembering passive/aggressive behaviour too, salem

I just love your responses RISMOV

That's why I keep luring you

Give me another punchline!

Got your lube and tissues handy, Salem? YOu'll excite yourself into making another mess on the keyboard soon.

Ta da!

Thanks for volunteering to be the punchline!

Keep em coming!

Salem, you've made it clear you don't see this thread as anything more than a opportunity for you to showcase whatever nonsense is going on in your head, but this thread was somebody's cry for help.

I know you don't get that. You think you come out of this 'ruck' looking like the commendable, mature adult????

mumonthenet, Salem's most recent post is basically saying, people on the internet are strangers, you don't know them, you need counselling if you care about them or their troubles. Go ahead and take the micky out of them, it's easy, it's fun, it's possible.

Ha!!! And people thought that gettingagrip and/or I went too far comparing salem to a psychopath. This post shows zero empathy. That is what it means.

Salem freedom of speech is a wonderful thing, not least because it gives you the right to be pointlessly obnoxious.

so eh, well done to you. You must be proud of yourself.

1/10 for the joke

10/10 for finally submitting to my words of wisdom re: Freedom of Speech.

It shows that your taking my advice!

Next...

What joke? You?

Don't give her ideas SGM!