DP got violent sort of, but I provoked him, not sure what to make of it all (long)

[Crowley]

I have name changed for this.

I have been with my partner for around 2 years, we have lived together for the past year or so.

I am out 3 nights a week on a college course (purely hobby, nothing that will further career or anything). Last friday night I was invited out to the pub for a few drinks. I went and DP was fine about it. I also went out on the saturday night with some friends and on the sunday morning until lunch time.

All last week was normal, work during day, out 3 nights at college. I was invited out again on Friday night to an anne summers party. I went but DP asked if I'd stay in saturday as he'd like to get a takaway and watch movie together. I agreed.

Saturday however I was invited out to somewhere I used to go years ago and had missed loads, I agreed. I didn't think DP would be that bothered.

Anyway he was and asked me to cancel. I said no. He got really angry with me and said I was being selfish. I kind if knew deep down that I was but I'm stubborn and didn't want to back down. I insisted I'd be going out and he didn't have to like it.

Saturday evening came and I started getting ready. He cornered me in the living room and said he wasn't going to let me out. I told him I wasn't asking for him permision and I turned my back on him. He then grabbed my arm, spun me back to him and pinned me against the wall. He dropped his arms when he realised he'd frightend me but he kept shouting in my face and he was being so aggressive. Its the first time I have ever feared him. Its the most frightened I have ever been to be honest. I thought he was going to beat me up.

He finished by shouting "get away, out of my fucking sight" and I ran upstairs. I cancelled going out and then started to get changed into night clothes, crying. He came charging upstairs a few minutes later, caught me half undressed and shouted "are you getting changed???" thinking I was getting ready to go out. I told him I was getting changed into nightclothes and he shouted "don't you dare fucking lie to me" and I showed him my nightdress. I was crying and so scared again and he took it off me, put his arms around and me and said "i'm so sorry, I'm acting like a complete twat. Don't ever be frightened of me, I just miss you when you're out all the time".

I'm confused by it all because I KNOW I provoked the whole thing by being so selfish and arrogent. But, I'm still not sure if he would have hit me if I'd pushed him further and that bothers me.

I have apologised to but I'm now feeling wary of him which I never did before. Am I justified or as it was my own fault it got so bad, should I let it go?

I have tried to talk with him about it. He keps apologising and says he was never going to hit me. I asked him "so would you have physically stopped me from going out?" and he thought for a few seconds and then said "No, probably not" but I know he would. Look at his reaction when he thought I was getting changed to go out?

I do admit to being selfish and childish but I'm ready to be controlled with violence.

sorry that should say I'm NOT ready to be controlled by violence.

so are you going to leave him?

I think you have answered your own question OP. You are not going to be controlled by violence - good. You don't beleive me when he says he's sorry and won't do it again. So you have to leave him.

Not called for. Not 'provoked'. Not violent 'sort-of'.
My advice would be 'run for the hills'. But you know the stats. Until they are hit a 1000 times over 10 years and until their kids are hit, do women actually head for the hills.
Not joking. Just exagerating a little and very for you.
My dd drives me mad. It doesn't serve an excuse for me to hit her in any way. Same for you and your dp.
My real advice (if you love and want to stick together) would be to talk to him and get it clear that under NO circumstances does he do that again. If he does, he's out or you're out.
And stick by this. Or you lose all credibility and become a very easy target.

Totally bewildered by all the people here who think that there is some kind of equal blame on both sides.

I've been annoyed many times in my life, I've been driven to rage and frustration by other people's selfish behaviour etc as have we all, but never in my life have I ever shoved, pushed, threatened or tried to physically intimidate anybody.

I couldn't do it - I'm not that kind of person. If this guy was being wound up by an unreliable client at work, would shoving him against a wall be ok given the provocation??

This guy is violent, end of. The OPs behaviour is worthy of a good long talk and a heartfelt apology etc, but violence? No fecking way.

I thought the most scary part of the OP was when he thought she was still going out, despite his earlier threats. There was something really awful about his reaction when he thought you were getting changed anyway: a kind of "What?? You still dare to defy me?!" disbelief.
I think he probably would have physically stopped you, yeah.
The question is, where do you go from here? What do you want to do?

While I don?t think there is ever an excuse for violence, I think that in reality it?s a line we have all crossed on one level or another. Can we all hand on heart say that we have never lashed out ever? Never smacked a child in frustration? Never thrown something in the heat of an argument? Or lashed out at a partner i.e. pushed him away roughly when angry? All of these things amount to violence on one level or another, and it doesn?t have to be you physically holding someone against a wall for it to be violence.

The one thing that struck me from the op is that she said he pinned her against the wall and then immediately dropped his arms when he realized what he?d done. That doesn?t strike me as the actions of someone who wants to control his dp or who is starting his campaign of violence against her, it strikes me more as someone whose frustration pushed him over the line and who realized what he?d done the instant he?d done it.

Think of the whole situation from his pov. His partner has been out five nights a week for at least the past two weeks (possibly before that as well,) not because she has to, but because she wants to, for herself. Then at the weekend, when the kids are at their dad?s and they can spend some time together, she decides to go out and spend it with her friends instead. If that situation was reversed and it was someone?s dh on here doing that he would have been branded a selfish twat by now. Anyway, he asks his partner if she will stay in on Saturday as he?d like them to spend some time together (not an unreasonable request as he pretty much hasn?t seen her for the past two weeks) and she says yes. Then at the last minute she is invited out and decides she?d rather go out with her friends than spend a night in with her dp.

Naturally he is frustrated and asks her to cancel. She refuses, and stubbornly tells him she is going. An argument insues and she walks away from him. Frustratedly, he grabs her arm to stop her walking away, but he goes too far and pushes her against the wall. He instantly realizes what he?s done and lets go. She then walks away and goes upstairs. He comes upstairs and finds her getting changed, presumably to still go on the night out, so he loses it and shouts at her, not because he wants to control her but because she?s essentially walked away from a row to go and do what she wants to do, for herself, as always, without any consideration for anyone else.

If my dh went out every single night of every week and cancelled a night in with me to go out, again and we had a row about it, I think I?d be pretty pissed off too if I went upstairs and found him getting changed and thought he was still going out despite how much he knew it upset me. It?s not about defying someone, it?s about having respect for their views as well, and op clearly has only been thinking of herself recently.

And while that doesn?t excuse any form of violence, it does go some way to explain why her dp might be feeling as frustrated as he is.

I agree with wannabe.

That's why you need to sit down with your DP and talk about what happened - not just apologise and sweep it under the carpet. Assuming that this is the first time you have ever been afraid of him and there's been no hint before. I doubt that every one who behaves like your DP did on this occasion turns out to be a violent abuser.

I agree with MorrisZapp and i am also shocked by some of the replys suggesting that you were equally badly behaved.

You do realise that the lid to his violent side has now been opened and he will do it again? the first indicator for him trying to control you was when he first asked you to cancel you plans to be with him, in my eyes he should never have asked you to do that, he should have arranged a night together for a different time if he was missing you, and then you went and changed his plans by sticking to your origional plan to go out that evening, you fueled his fire(not your fault) you took away his control so he then resorted to violence to gain it back

He will react this way again, as soon as is not able to control you again.

It does sound a bit like he exploded after feeling like he's being taken the piss out of for a while though.
I'm not condoning what he did. Holding your arm and pushing you against the wall is WRONG. No doubt.
The anger and shouting though, most people have done this at some point in a relationship.
If you are out 3 nights in the week (when your kids are there, so I presume he is left at home with your children) then you also go out 2 nights on top of that when he has specifically asked you to spend some time with him, when do you actually get to see each other? and when does he get any time to himself?
I think you'd be better off talking it through carefully and sensibly with him (and not just concentrating on the bit where he was forceful) and work out whether you do want to be with each other and if so, how to make it work out.

Wannabe said what I just did but much more eloquently!

"the first indicator for him trying to control you was when
he first asked you to cancel you plans to be with him, in my eyes he should never have asked you to do that," so vt you think that someone wanting to spend time with their partner is them being controlling?

Op's dp had said he wanted to spend a night in with her on the Saturday, it was the op who then cancelled those plans to be with her friends instead. One might say it is the op who has all the control?

He asked her to stay in on the Saturday and he agreed. He didn't tell her to. Telling her to stay in would be controlling, asking is wanting to be with someone.

I think you were being very selfish, and I would not like to be with someone that didn't want to spend any time with me.

But in no way at all does that make it ok for him to treat you like this and scare you.

Howlong have you been together? I was with my exp for abot a year then he was violent. I left him and our flat but continued our relationship. Now 4years later he is in court for being violent infrount of our dd.

I should have noticed the warning signs but was young. He started by saying he didn't like me to wear short skirts. Then later managed to stop me from going out with friends. He even trid to stop me seeing my family too much.

I think you should leave him, but I'm sure you will not liten to me or anyone else as I wouldn't of lisented. Only you can make the choice, but I am pretty sure he will do it again.

How can you possibly say that he definitely will do it again?? No one knows that.

Yes, he grabbed her but he didn't hit her. If he had actually hit her, my advice would be completely different.

My H once grabbed me during an argument, I ran away crying. It never ever happened again.

On the facts as they were given in the OP, I think he deserves a second chance (and only a second chance).

I agree with soupdragon. And I have experienced both too. My dh once grabbed me during an argument, aand I too ran away crying. That was nine years ago and it never happened again. And he is not violent, or controlling, it was simply a case of frustration gone too far.

Sometimes people make mistakes. Not every person who lashes out turns into a violent thug, in the same way as not everyone who smacks a child turns into a child abuser.

Oh come on he acted appallingly, andeven after he realised and dropped his arms he was still verbally violent, screaming at her because he though she was getting changed to go out, there was no way he was going to let her out of that house without a fight, to me that is controlling

A normal person would have been annoyed yes, and probably would have said 'well fine, if your not going to make an effort to spend time with me then dont expect me to be free when you have finsihed being selfish.'

pinning someone to the wall and standing in their way of going out is controlling, very controlling

except that the op had already been out four nights that week, and five nights and a morning the week before.

Generally people don't turn from not caring into control freaks literally over night.

No one has said he didn't behave appallingly.

Is there a rule on how many nights your allowed to go out in a week then?

Blimey i would hate to be with a dp who dictated how many nights i could go out

So what your saying is because she had been selfish that week by going out 5 nights out of 7, he had every right to block her way and pin her to the wall, bully her into staying in, frigthen her enough to think he might beat her up and reduce her to tears?

His behaviour was inexcusable

but your excusing his behavoiur by saying well she had already been out 4 nights in that week, oh thats ok then, he had every right to get violent then

He appears to have shouted some phrases which is different from screaming which implies a huge tirade.

There are no other indications of violence/control from what we have been told here - the OPer says "he gave me the confidence to find work and go to college"

I think this deserves a second chance follwing a long discussion of a) why she was scared of him and b) why he was so angry and why it blew out of proportion.

If he had actually hit her I would most likely be joining in with the "leave him" side.

I agree with wannabe too.