DP got violent sort of, but I provoked him, not sure what to make of it all (long)

[Crowley]

I have name changed for this.

I have been with my partner for around 2 years, we have lived together for the past year or so.

I am out 3 nights a week on a college course (purely hobby, nothing that will further career or anything). Last friday night I was invited out to the pub for a few drinks. I went and DP was fine about it. I also went out on the saturday night with some friends and on the sunday morning until lunch time.

All last week was normal, work during day, out 3 nights at college. I was invited out again on Friday night to an anne summers party. I went but DP asked if I'd stay in saturday as he'd like to get a takaway and watch movie together. I agreed.

Saturday however I was invited out to somewhere I used to go years ago and had missed loads, I agreed. I didn't think DP would be that bothered.

Anyway he was and asked me to cancel. I said no. He got really angry with me and said I was being selfish. I kind if knew deep down that I was but I'm stubborn and didn't want to back down. I insisted I'd be going out and he didn't have to like it.

Saturday evening came and I started getting ready. He cornered me in the living room and said he wasn't going to let me out. I told him I wasn't asking for him permision and I turned my back on him. He then grabbed my arm, spun me back to him and pinned me against the wall. He dropped his arms when he realised he'd frightend me but he kept shouting in my face and he was being so aggressive. Its the first time I have ever feared him. Its the most frightened I have ever been to be honest. I thought he was going to beat me up.

He finished by shouting "get away, out of my fucking sight" and I ran upstairs. I cancelled going out and then started to get changed into night clothes, crying. He came charging upstairs a few minutes later, caught me half undressed and shouted "are you getting changed???" thinking I was getting ready to go out. I told him I was getting changed into nightclothes and he shouted "don't you dare fucking lie to me" and I showed him my nightdress. I was crying and so scared again and he took it off me, put his arms around and me and said "i'm so sorry, I'm acting like a complete twat. Don't ever be frightened of me, I just miss you when you're out all the time".

I'm confused by it all because I KNOW I provoked the whole thing by being so selfish and arrogent. But, I'm still not sure if he would have hit me if I'd pushed him further and that bothers me.

I have apologised to but I'm now feeling wary of him which I never did before. Am I justified or as it was my own fault it got so bad, should I let it go?

I think he had every right to be angry because she'd said she would have a night in with him on the Saturday and then she bailed out when a "better" offer came up. It's how that anger manifested which needs to be talked about.

Noone is saying that what he did was right.

But if my dh went out every night even cancelling planned nights in with me to be with his friends I would be pretty livid tbh. In fact there are many posts on mn from wives whose husbands doo just that and in those cases the other posters are always on the side of the op.

What her dp did was wrong, that is not in question. But the op has clearly been acting selfishly and it is the op's actions that provoked the argument in the first place.

The fact he wanted to spend some time with his partner does not make him a controlling wife beater. Yes he crossed a line and was wrong in doing so. But the op has had no regard for him anyway, so maybe she would be best on her own where she doesn't have to think of anyone else.

In that scenario, wannabe, they would not only be supporting the OP they would be baying for her DPs testicles on a plate.

"Is there a rule on how many nights your allowed to go out in a week then?" no, but generally people who are controlling are controlling all of the time, not just one night out of ten.

Agree soupdragon. There are clearly some double standards on mn.

Yes the op was selfish but i dont think it warranted that kind of reaction, but maybe i am too laidback, if someone cancelled a night out with me it certainly wouldnt make me angry, annoyed yes

And my xp turned into a control freak overnight, before that he was charming, caring and loving.

Behavoiur like the op has discribed would definately have me worried, it would worry about why he would get so angry, when she said in her op that she didnt think he would be bothered, obviously she doesnt know him very well

Vinegartits

Presumably though the children are at their fathers during the weekend Ops dp is left to look after them for the college nights and any other weekday nights out.

xposted by about 10 posts

Yes bronze, but does that excuse his behaviour?

No but he apologised. He realised he was over the line and said sorry.

Op seems to treat him like a glorified babysitter. I would be pissed off too. It wouldnt be the cancelling of our night out but that might just tip the balance.

Oh he said sorry, thats ok then

OP no way should you accept this type of behaviour from him again, no matter what you do, nobody deserves to be fightened, reduced to tears or pinned to a wall. Shocking behaviour

The things that make me think that this man is going to start escalating his violent behaviour are: He has a history of violence.
He didn't say to the Op - I don't want you to go out tonight, he said, I'm not going to let you go out tonight, which suggests he thinks he is in charge of her.
And finally, that she met him when she was vulnerable. Predators smell vulnerability.

The fact that she doesnt trust him and uses him for her babysitter says to me though that she should leave. Just so they can both be with people who treat them right.

I'm intrigued to know how many weeks/monthss the ops had no children at the weekend. 2 nights? and then out at college 3 nights?.

Its very hard to know whats led up to this. If its been a year of the Op treating her d?P like shite then though I don't agree with his reaction I can understand the lid flipping whereas if its been two weeks then it would be a different matter.

I agree SBG, and often control freaks will hide their controlling behaviour very well, they will control with manipulation and you wont even realise they are doing it, until you do something that makes them snap

I am not saying that this is not a one off for your dp op, but this degree of anger is very worrying

Op leave though

You don't trust him
He has flipped once ( I give one second chance to everyone but everyone does)
You treat him like crap and obiously dont want to spend time with him.(He spends more nights looking after your children in the evenings than you do)

*not everyone

do him and yourself a favour.
leave him.

I think op's dp has a right to be angry, I can sympathise with how frustrated and angry he was as I have been in the same situation.

No he shouldn't have grabbed her and pinned her to the wall but I think he realised that pretty quiickly himslef!

I once threw a drinking glass at a window in a total fit of frustration and anger! Yes that was totally wrong and I lost the moral highground, but my frustration had reached such a level I was almost not myself for a split second. I must add I have never done anything quite like it since as I scared myself.

Think the guy needs a break.

I thik you need to sit down with your DP and talk to him about why he feels so insecure about you going out.

I think you were quite rude to cancel your night in with him and then to be so stubborn about it when he asked you to cancel.

I think also it was very wrong for him to get so angry that he scared you but he obviously is feeling insecure and is upset.

I think it's rediculous that yet again there are people saying 'leave him' when clearly he reacted in anger and what you need to do is talk to him about why he feels so threatened by you going out.

Where does it say he has a history of violence?

OP said she had seen him be violent to (some) other men. I think she needs to clarify this before anyone can really say 'leave him'

yes he will do it again. time to leave NOW before it gets worse.

I must admit that it seems like you are going out quite a lot, but if he doesn't mind when you ask him, then I can see why you would take advantage of it.

It does seem a shame that when he asked if you could stay in together, you still went ahead and arranged to go out on your own.

It seems to me that he was trying to organise some time together, but that you dismissed this in favour of another night out.

HOWEVER, there is no possible justification for threatening and bulllying behaviour. The fact that you feel frightened by him represents a major change in your relationship.

I think you really need to address this before it escalates into something else. But I also think you should consider the reasons for your need to go out so often.

Turn it round. WHY would you stay with him?? Cos you've made your bed and you have to lie in it? Because you're afraid of being a single Mum? Because you don't want people gossiping? Because you'd struggle financially?

I know ALL the excuses. These bullshit excuses kept me with an physically and verbally abusive man for far too long.

I left and I'm happier. OBVIOUSLY> Who doesn't want to be happier? TAKE your chance, please.

Tip 1: Men mostly want respect above everything else.

OP was not showing her DP/DH any respect at all.

He's been patient with your absences so when he missed you it could be argued he got passionate rather than angry.

I think this is a solvable issue.