FAB & GLAM PART 9 - DOES IT GET BETTER NOW!!

[macdoodle]

Started new thread guys as needed to post and old one wouldnt let me - sorry if name is bit miserable but thats how am feeling !

The police have just left
It all went tits up tonight - H found out/suspected about NM and lost it completely - was physically abusive and took my phone - best friend called the police!
Has been a hell of a night - long statement - excellent police man - who says should have called them a long time ago - gonna get the domestic violence team to ring me tomorrow - he will be arrested and probably cautioned - he seems really worried it will escalate - has put a marker on the phone for an immediate response, has adviced me to change the locks and go away for a bit if I can, and they will look at putting an alarm in the house
There is still a part of me that feels I am over reacting/is all my fault - even though an experienced police oficer is not happy about the situation!
What a mess my life has turned into

It's me again, I'm on a roll

Sometimes MacD, we 'give in' not because we want them back but, because we are nice people and we don't want them thinking ill of us or thinking we aren't nice people. We want them to like us. Not because we want to be with them, just because we don't want to fight anymore. What you have to remember though is that you are not dealing with a rational person, he doesn't care less whether you are noce or now, he isn't in it to like you, all he wants to do is control you, get his power and his feel good factor from threatening and intimidating you. Have you noticed the things he has said to you are all about him, how you are killing him, he can't live without you? He is putting all the responsibility for his actions onto you. Don't let him do this. Trust me, he will repeat his behaviour all over again and every time it is repeated it will get worse and worse

TFM I know I know you are right - head knows this - heart is struggling, have you lot,am chatting to MHIS on MSN, have NM on text !!
Taken land line off hook not engaging - am doing my very very best ......WTF is wrong with me I know this is about him has never once even considered me.......I CAN do this I CAN I CAN !!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you TFM thank you - I cant go back now it will destroy me totally

Don't be so hard on yourself, believe me, I know how hard this is. I went through this with my ex and made the mistake of 'giving in' a couple of times. You learn by your mistakes though and so hopefully, you can learn by mine and save yourself some pain and heartache.

I hated my ex, he was a nasty, violent, controlling bully but, I allowed him 'back in' because foolishly, it felt better having him 'like' me, I thought I could deal with it. I couldn't. The abuse just escalates.

You feel bad because you are a nice person. Simple as that. You have history, you know he can be nice, you are seeing a side of him that appears vulnerable and needy as well as nice. Of course you are going to feel torn. But this is an act MacD. He is playing his game, he won't want you to hate him, that makes him feel bad. So don;t swap roles. Don't compromise yourself, don't undo all your good work just to make him feel better. Don't give him permission to abuse you anymore.

Stay strong!!!

Hey!
Just popping on to say congratulations to ladylush. Fantastic news (fingers still firmly crossed for you!)
and MacD - don't go back there or you will have gone through all this for nothing. He's poison and he is just in a flap because you aren't behaving as he expecs you to so he's trying the emotional blackmail.
LOL at the BJ's thread - you are a dark horse!!
I had a really heavy night out last night with some friends (got to bed at 4am ) and have been out with the dc at a Chinese New Year procession thing all day and I'm so tired I can barely see straight. I'm off to bed now - before 10 on a Saturday night ... I'm getting OLD.

WHAT a gloomy morning! Wish our current tapas diet would bring in some Spanish weather.

Lilyloo, I was so sad to read of your ex-student's suicide. She was the same age as DD, which made me feel the poignancy. Life is so intense at that age, and if things are tough, you think they will never change. If only we could gather all the sad children in our arms and help them believe that life CAN get better . We had a good 'happy ending' case on Friday - boss and I visited a young woman in her new council house. We've been trying to get her and her family out of their disgusting temporary flat for so long that we know her quite well. She and her sister had an horrendous abusive childhood and she has pulled them through singlehanded. They were cramped with her DH & 2 DSS in one of the worst flats I have ever seen for 10 years, no sign of council moving them (in fact, the council at first refused to let her sister stay with her at all). If there IS a God, he has rewarded her with the most beautiful brand new council house - would cost an absolute fortune on the open market - with a fantastic view of a playing field and woods beyond from the first floor sitting room. Boss and I were soooo envious. She said she'd never been so happy, and her DSs will now have a basis for a solid future. It was an ending that really made me buzz on Friday - can't wait to see my photos of her in the local press next week .

LL, fantastic news about mini teabag! Hang in there, MiniT !

MadameOvary, welcome. Your DD is gorgeous and looks so like the photo of you . The Tesco photo made me LOL! Stay with us, you'll get lots of support and positivity.

Dior, I know you're lurking out there . Hope we can have that lunch soon?

MacD - keep strong. He's following such a typical pattern. 20 odd years ago I ended my first serious relationship with a cretin who, though never physically violent, was abusive in other ways. He started stalking me and behaving in just this way - nasty, self-pitying, abusive, then charming and offering me the earth by turns. Threatened suicide, worried the hell out of his poor mother (who was actually very understanding and supportive of my decision). He bombarded me and everyone I knew with dreadful letters, (pre-mobiles and texts) all of which I kept, just in case. I found the only way to get rid was not to respond, not to engage, and finally threaten him with an injunction. Have not heard from him since 1988 . During our 5 year relationship, I thought he'd be the love of my life and really wanted to marry him. Thank God I wised up! He finally proposed on one knee in a pub, the day after I told him it was over. And I said NO!!!!

We're still on the tapas diet - this book is fantastic. Last night DD said she'd really fancy a curry for a change, but we have so much leftovers and keep adding another dish every evening (tonight it will be garlic mushrooms). DP was tired yesterday from a difficult day at work (somebody mixed up all the books in the SciFi section and for some reason it really upset him ) and he nearly got run over on the way home by a dangerous driver, which upset him even more, so I left him to watch football and made aioli (yum) and meatballs in spicy tomato sauce (DD loved those - curry substitute ). DP drank quite a lot and annoyed me by locking one of the cats outside the catflap - when I heard him mewing pathetically and let him in, asking DP what the poor animal had done to offend him, all he said was, 'You know how I feel about the cats' - By this time he'd had 3 bottles of beer and most of a bottle of wine, so there was no point saying anything. I guess he was taking out his feelings about Sci-fi shelf twit and homicidal driver on poor moggy. I mean, exactly how much clingfilm can you stuff into a cat flap lock in order to jam it? Took ages to prise it out with poor cat peering through looking pathetic and cold. Honestly, my halo was wearing very thin at that point! It wasn't quite the happy Saturday evening I'd hoped for and I went to bed feeling quite tense. DP came up about 3am and put his arm around me before lapsing into an alcohol fumed sleep - so at least I felt I'd managed to keep him feeling that I was on his side (which I AM, except I just want to smack him too ). I dozed off and had some really weird dreams, most of which involved telling him exactly what I felt and then storming out!

Might need a morale boost from you, TFM!

Yes, I'm here Tanee. Feeling slightly better but not out of the woods. I have started taking a primrose oil and a mentrual supplement (zinc, B6 and something else) so hope to feel much better in a few weeks. Went to see GP on Thursday.

Hi Dior, SO glad you haven't totally deserted us . I don't blame you for taking a break though. I've looked at other MN threads and cannot believe how acrimonious they get. I only post on nice, non-contentious ones. This is the only one I keep coming back to regularly, as I feel there are genuinely kind Teabags here (plus most of us have met). We are jolly, hairy bikers all . Seriously, I am not joking, I have to get my Tweezerman out every morning! Drat those middle age hormones!

Hope the supplements help you so we can lunch soon. I'm taking Berocca since one of our interns recommended it. But what I feel I really need is some sunshine and warmer weather. I think DP would benefit too (though a drastic reduction in alcohol intake would also help ).

LL - fantastic news. So so pleased. Can't wait for the next update in 2 weeks - I have everything crossed for you xx

Macd I loved the bj thread I love seeing that cheeky funny side to you. The real you. And I hate what stbxh does to you. He drags you down. I know how hard it is to listen to advice on here when your heart's telling you something else. I have ignored advice in the past because I've had to go with my heart. But with the benefit of the wonderful hindsight, I'd have saved myself a lot of heartache if I'd listened.

TFM is spot on. And this is all about him. As usual. How many times in the last 2-3 years did he have the chance to break down, promise you he'd change, prove to you he could do it. He had every chance. And he never ever managed it. Funny that now he's lost you he can suddenly manage it!
Keep the focus on NM and how happy you are. Don't go backwards. Stay strong xx

Baffy you are so right !
Am finding it all a bit hard TBH
I just cant see the light at the end of the tunnel am determined to push on with divorce but just cant see an end to the making life difficult - every single thing involving him is a battle
Lovely NM has gone home We have had some long chats - he is ok with whats going even STBXH screaming abuse at him down the phone and then phoning him through the night......
H wants to talk tomorrow just cant see the point at all - we go round and round until he gets angry and abusive - have no idea how to avoid him or be strong enough to stop him coming here - just feel pathetic and paralysed at the moment - will ring solicitor in morning for some advice ...
Why does it have to be so hard...I just want my life back, want my kids to be happy, want me to be happy, I even want him to be happy , I just dont want him in my life !!!!

Hi Baffy, delighted to hear about your house - sounds like things have gone really smoothly for you. (I remember our housebuying like a bad dream!) If only I lived nearer, I'd be happy to help. I shifted a wardrobe for my dad yesterday & now he thinks I'm super strong!

DP being very kind to me today (and to the cats, too!). Need it after a shite abortive trip to an old graveyard with DD, who wanted to take pics of graves for her photo project. It was a nightmare getting there as the directions we were given were wrong and bus drivers know NOTHING and are so bloody rude and when we finally got there, it was closing in half an hour and then DD found she didn't have the memory card in her camera . If those Victorian dead people had heard the language she came out with, they would have covered their skeletal ears!!! And it was pissing down with rain. Came home feeling very dejected, but DP made us garlic toast and has put on some Ella Fitzgerald for me to mellow to. DD is upstairs playing 'angry music'. Poor thing, she's had a lousy week

McD the light is there at the end of the tunnel, but there's a bend in it!

And remember you have NM's support. He hasn't run off despite Exh's harassment . If ex wants to talk, meet somewhere public - don't let him come to yours unless you have someone with you. But if you're serious about the divorce, then maybe any 'talking' should now take place through your solicitors.

Whatever you do, keep strong. You're on the home stretch now .

Typed loads earlier but lost it all

McD - I can't improve on the excellent advice given here, but just wanted to say that I feel for you as it must be an awful pressure on you. I hope you have some good friends to support you through this. Hope things work out with nm as he sounds lovely.

Dior - glad you are feeling a bit better, hope supplements help.

Baffy - thanks. Will update everyone in a fortnight. Give us some more info on your new house. What's it like?

Ginnny - hope hangover gone Glad you had a good night.

Lilyloo - sorry to hear about your ex-pupil So tragic.

Tanee - it must be so satisfying to know you helped that woman get a much wanted house. Well done Glad p has been more of a dp today Those poor cats

Hi everyone - sorry very busy weekend again.

Fantastic news Lush - glad its good news for now and i have everything crossed for you too.

Dior glad you are still lurking and hopefully you can take some hope from us lot.

McD - of course he will be all sweetness and light NOW - he knows he has gone too far and he needs to now justify himself (and by being a lovely man know he can make it all to be your fault - again).
Even if he really has a complete change and does mean the things he is saying - he will have to prove to you over a very very long time that is the case.
And i am sure we all know what will happen next - he will be charming for a while and when he sees it is not working to his plan he will get angry and nasty again.
Gove yourself lots of time to heal now - and if he is really prince charming tell him to back off too. Thinking of you.

My update - h new job seems to be going well - but we seem to have fallen back into old ways. Work takes over and we all come second. He is trying to get the balance right and i do think he wants too it is just that is how he is. He has stayed over a couple of times which i still find hard - and he has had work dinners - but he has neglected to phone as much as i would like. I dont want to be this clingy wife, but i do want him to understand just how hard it is for me too.
We have both been a bit tetchy with each other over silly things. I know it is because i dont want to put up and shut up anymore, but i also dont want to turn into some nagging wife either.
We get on so well when there are no outside problems.
At the moment we only have one car and a house we still own that needs to be re-let (after total refurb). The strains are beginning to show.

I know sometimes i 'shut off' and dont want to cope with it - i find myself almost wanting to go it alone, as if h is another problem i could get rid of.

Give me some strengh to be the lovely person i know i can be and not this whinging maid i feel i am at the moment.

Tanee just read your post - your poor dd, i took a load of photos and did not have my memory card in. It was when we had the lovely snow just before chrismas and the fields near us look wonderful. Spent about and hour freezing before i realised. Still had a lovely walk and have the memory myslef..

afternoon all

LL fab news !!!!!!!!

Tannee poor dd and poor cat am at him locking poor thing out! Great news about that lady too if only we could help all those who can't see a way out as it only takes things we take for granted to change peoples lives.

McD so sorry he is still trying to drag you down. I hope the solicitor call helped. Why is he coming to talk ? I worry that by being there and intimidating you you will feel threatened and give in to his demands , as TFM said about 'HIM'. I hope not , you can do it , you are really nearly there with a lovely sounding new man at the end!

Dior glad you feeling better hope the supplements help!

HW sorry you feeling so down. I guess sometimes you have to move forward and start dealing with things on your own. I know it's easier said than done and your insecurities stem from him.
But sometimes you have to seperate the issues of every day life , house , car work etc from your history. Just because it is going back to 'normal' doesn't mean that will happen again.
I am not saying 'put up or shut up' but try not to project the 'affair' onto your normal relationship strains iyswim.
Hope you feeling better soon.

Baffy is it this week house completes ?

Ginny had couple late nights here too this weekend so in bed at 8.30 last night ! Hangovers and tiredness and dc's don't mix

TFM hows things ?

Welcome MadameOvary

Hope everyone else ok and i haven't missed anyone!

Nothing much to report here. All good but tired. Still enjoying being a SAHM. But going to look into my teacher training now so as to get something in the pipe line. Esp as dp bit worried r/e his job at the bank. Under a lot of stress and am trying to curb my worry where this lead us last time!!

LL - you are right - i do need to seperate what happened then with the grind of everyday life now - just how to do it is not easy. I suppose i wanted it to be a new relationship but actually i find myself still being as anyonned with the little things he does/doesnt do as much (and that is normal because he is still him), but then in my bleaker moments i feel like i did then. I have to seperate the niggles with him from the things he did iyswim. It was his actions not him that i did not like.

oh god this is harassment right someone reassure me this is not normal behaviour - he rings and rings till I foolishly pick up phone then harangues me not shouting just low cold nasty Am stopping him seeign children, will have joint custody, has been told he can and will move back into house .....what do I do solicitor, police phones off hook mobile off door locked from inside am jumping at every noise outside

wanna chat on MSN MacDoodle?

please phone the police and tell them you are frightened and they will go to talk to him about the harrassment.

McD - are you sure he will get joint custody? When i saw my solicitor he said it was much more likely that one parent gets custody and the other access, it is usually the mother.
The trouble with joint custody is that everyday decisions have to be jointly made. It may sound like the best way but it can also cause more problems too.
Why would you not go for custody and then give him a lot of access? Although it does sound as if at the moment he is not stable to cope with that.

Do phone the police - no-one should feel frightened in their own home.

Is there anyone who can act as a mediator at the moment so that he can see the children but you would feel safe? You do not want to be accussed of not allowing him to see them.

Please please do seek good legal advice - it really is worth the money - if you want the name of mine i will give it to you - we did a lot over the phone and email so i didnt have to see him that much - but he was expensive (but worth every penny for my piece of mind). Even h says he was worth it, as he knows it really did give me a feeling of control and stopped that feeling of despair.

It does not have to be a fight and if he wants one - you do not have to fight back. Remember he is probably not acting rationally either.

Do take care and contact me anytime.

Hello everyone

I feel so out of date! I cant find the other thread to catch up with everyones news. So if anyone has the time to brief me id be very grateful!!

I stepped away from this thread as i felt i was still recovering from dh's affair and i wasnt really moving on whilst i was still reliving it and being reminded of what gits men are by reading the thread each day.

For me the trust in dh had completely gone and i never saw a way back from that. Although i wasnt ready to give up i just didnt know how to get past my anger and move on. So i decided to step away and concentrate on my family.

Me and dh are stronger now than ever. And in a strange way i have my bad health to thank for it!

Some of you might remember me on fb saying about the lumps in my ceaser scar that hurt like hell! ?

Well many doctors and hospital appointments and scans later i have a doctor that actually agrees with me. I had this problem years ago so i know what i have. You never forget pain like this! I have even had one doctor tell me my pain was physcological (sp?) and sorry but my violent mini me exploded and asked if i punched him square in the face would he class that as physcological pain???

Any way i have endometriosis in my scarring and endo cysts too. Im on zoladex implants and livial tablets. And they are not fun! I have the symptoms of the menopause. Although im grateful for the hot flushes on a cold night!! lol The worst part is the taste in my mouth. I constantly have a taste that feels like im sucking on dirty old pennies which in turn makes me feel nauseus 24/7!!

But dh has been absolutely amazing. The other thing with the pain is that we cant be intimate. Think the pain of that would kill me! But he has been so amazing and hasnt pushed me or made me feel insecure at all. He always answer the phone if i call and he texts me hundreds of times aday just so i know his thinking of me. So its strange. By not being able to be intimate i have my trust back in dh. Or am i just bonkers in the way i think? Lol I dont care it works for me!!

But it also means im stronger to come back to this thread and if i can help and support anyone id love to.

Sorry this is a me me me posting i just wanted you all to know why i left. And i missed you all so much i had to come back xx

I will now go read through and see whats happening since this thread opened.

Hi Sugar - lovely to see you back. I have missed you.

Hi sugarpear - I think we have all taken a break at sometime - I took a general break from Mumsnet as I became disillusioned with how unpleasant even the most innoccuous thread could become.

I was thinking about what you were saying about not putting this into "relationships" again - is there anyway you could save the link to this thread in your favourites so that you dont have to go into the relationships area and see the upsetting thread titles? If you are worried about it being seen by other computer users put it into a password protected word doc (just an idea)

Mcd - he is seriously deluding himself if he thinks he will get joint custody - I think this is an uphill battle for even the most dedicated of fathers and I dont think any of his actions over the last few years will support a claim that he is capable of putting his childs needs and wants above his own whims.

Please at no time be alone with him, even if he seems charming - you are not going to come around to what he wants and when you stand up to him he will get nasty. I am sure his solicitor is telling him he can live in the house but the police are already aware of the situation between you.

Get yourself onto the legal area here, MN do have a few Mums who are lawyers and many who have already been through this.

I dont doubt this is all very upsetting for him (and I wouldnt wish it on anyone) but you have had enough unhappiness due to his behaviour. He will see NM as being the cause of this but you had already made the decision hadnt you.

McD - He didn't manage to keep the 'charm' up for long did he! He really is a piece pf work. Carry on as you are doing and report any hassle.