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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FAB & GLAM PART 9 - DOES IT GET BETTER NOW!!

1000 replies

macdoodle · 22/01/2009 01:24

Started new thread guys as needed to post and old one wouldnt let me - sorry if name is bit miserable but thats how am feeling !

The police have just left
It all went tits up tonight - H found out/suspected about NM and lost it completely - was physically abusive and took my phone - best friend called the police!
Has been a hell of a night - long statement - excellent police man - who says should have called them a long time ago - gonna get the domestic violence team to ring me tomorrow - he will be arrested and probably cautioned - he seems really worried it will escalate - has put a marker on the phone for an immediate response, has adviced me to change the locks and go away for a bit if I can, and they will look at putting an alarm in the house
There is still a part of me that feels I am over reacting/is all my fault - even though an experienced police oficer is not happy about the situation!
What a mess my life has turned into

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 22/01/2009 20:33

McD - wow you sound so much stronger already - Yes it will get better.
I think your h will now play the poor hard done by one and will look all sad and loney, and do be careful of what he is telling your dd - although it is early days and she may well not really understand - but one day she will.
Hope you have a good solicitor to sort out the children access - mine was fantastic and even had a counsellor involved to help me through it (although it never actually came to it).

Hopefully your h will be able to babysit and you can have a bit of time to yourself.

Take care - you are amazing.

TimeForMe · 23/01/2009 09:39

The thing that worries me most is that when he does turn on the charm, because you can be sure he will, is that you will fall for it, not because you actually want to but one, because it's a such a huge relief when the pressure of abuse is lifted and the abuser is being 'nice' to you again and two, because life seems so much easier when your abuser is your 'friend'. IYSWIM.

But, all it does in the long run is delay the inevitable and it keeps you trapped in the cycle of abuse.

I really hope you can stay as strong as you sound and see this guy off. You deserve to be free of him and happy.

Tanee58 · 23/01/2009 13:00

McD, I've only just read this. - but well done you for doing exactly the right things. This is probably the turning point you need to go forward with the divorce without looking back. And s** his mother - she's got a hard lesson to learn about her darling boy.

I was horrified about the guns. Have they been confiscated or does he have any at his place?

Nothing more to add to what the others have already said, but I'll just repeat - this is NOT your fault and you have the BEST years ahead.

I've spent the last two days being a domestic goddess - turning out the cupboard under the stairs twice (removed a gas heater that was lurking at the back, couldn't find anywhere else to put it, had to take everything out again to put it back!) I'm getting very bored with being a DG. Luckily I've been spared cooking as DP decided to investigate the spanish cookery book I gave him for Christmas and we've been eating tapas all week!

Baffy · 23/01/2009 13:21

Found you

Will catch up now

Baffy · 23/01/2009 13:54

OMG

Macd, hope you got my message.

I am so so shocked and angry on your behalf right now. I am fuming!
All of this is his reaction to you ?cheating on him?

WTF is wrong in his head. Like ginny said, he can cheat on you, put you through hell, have a CHILD with his other woman as he didn?t care enough about you or his first child to take precautions, and then is shocked when you decide enough is enough and try to move on! Not only shocked, but angry enough to resort to physical violence!

And as for saying that to your dd. Well I cannot find the words. Absolutely NO regard for her, her feelings, how she may process things. Nothing. Lets not forget that the current situation is his doing! He?s not fit to call himself a parent right now.

All I can say is listen to the people on here when they say it is absolutely not your fault. Which I?m sure you know anyway. And listen to TFM about the cycle of abuse. We all know he will turn on the charm, and you need to use every ounce of strength you have to remember why he needs to turn on the charm.

Your NM sounds great. And as much as you may want to slow things a bit given what you?re going through, if you enjoy spending time with him and he makes you happy, then don?t give that up. God knows you deserve to be happy!

Ginny I?m so glad you got your hours sorted.

LL ? let us know how things go tomorrow. I have everything crossed for you.

My house has all progressed amazingly well and I am hoping to exchange and move in next Friday
I?ve decided that for the moment I?m very happy how things are and am going to progress down the path that I started. I know I?ll be fine on my own with the children. And tbh, going back there would just feel like a massive step backwards when, after 2 years of that horrendous cycle, I'd finally found a way forward. And as hard as it is for H, sadly he just left it too late. Reading this from macd just makes me even more determined. This is about me now. No more thinking about what anyone else wants! You too macd!

TimeForMe · 23/01/2009 14:01

Baffy, I am really pleased to read of your decision FWIW I think it's the best one you have made in a long time
You are going to be just fine. At least you will be able to devote all of your time to your children (and oven cleaning) without the distraction of worrying about what H is up to. You have a lovely life ahead of you

Baffy · 23/01/2009 15:17

Thanks TFM I'm really excited now.

Any volunteers to help me move?! Not being able to lift things and shift things round 400 times so they're just right is going to kill me!

Baffy · 23/01/2009 15:18

p.s. TFM, are you trying to say my decision making is usually really bad?!!

TimeForMe · 23/01/2009 16:01

Let's just say you are no worse at decision making than the rest of us Gosh, do you realise this might be the year that we are all happy at the same time? What will we find to talk about? We might have to resort to talking about Good Housekeeping

HappyWoman · 23/01/2009 17:24

good luck for the move baffy - you too sound so much more in control these days, but are you going ahead with the divorce? because remember if you are still legally married to him he could have a claim on your new home. Say if he did get debts - you could be liable. Please look out for yourself and dc now and even though he may not like it, it will be better all round.

Tannee - can you come and be a domestic goodess at mine - i just cant seem to keep on top of it at the moment - i am trying to have a good old sort out but when i turn around there is more mess being made.

Glad you are back with us TFM.

HappyWoman · 23/01/2009 17:26

good luck for the move baffy - you too sound so much more in control these days, but are you going ahead with the divorce? because remember if you are still legally married to him he could have a claim on your new home. Say if he did get debts - you could be liable. Please look out for yourself and dc now and even though he may not like it, it will be better all round.

Tannee - can you come and be a domestic goodess at mine - i just cant seem to keep on top of it at the moment - i am trying to have a good old sort out but when i turn around there is more mess being made.

Glad you are back with us TFM.

ladylush · 23/01/2009 17:29

Don't worry I'll make sure it stays dysfunctional
Tanee - yum Tapas all week Wish dp would find a cookery book and look in it!
Baffy - glad all going well with the house move. You sound v strong right now. Glad you are in a good place
MacD - how are you?
Hi everyone else Have a good weekend. So glad the weekend is here. Work has been a struggle this week. My caseload has grown by a third , which wouldn't be so bad if I was up to date with all the rest.
Will let you know how it goes tomorrow. Not overly hopeful. I'm going to Edinburgh next weekend so that's something to look forward to. Staying with friends. Dp and ds not going so I get to play out

HappyWoman · 23/01/2009 18:26

lush i have everything crossed for you - there are lots of lovely sucess stories too you know, but i am sure you know that. Do try and enjoy it though.

TimeForMe · 23/01/2009 19:07

Yes Ladylush, I will be thinking of you tomorrow and will have everything crossed for you. I will be watching for your post so don't delay in letting us know how you get on

Thank you HW

ilikeblowjobs · 23/01/2009 19:27

good luck LL am hoping for you xxxx

Original poster
macdoodle · 23/01/2009 19:34

ooops just outed a name change on another thread dont say if you see the thread lol ;)

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 23/01/2009 19:47

Link MacD! Link!

ilikeblowjobs · 23/01/2009 19:50
Blush
Lilyloo · 23/01/2009 19:57

Evening all

just popping by to send my most positive thoughts for LL for tommorrow , hope it's good

Baffy great news on the house and your whole new life , agree with TFM (again)

McD OOPS!! How are things ?

TFM , Tannee why is this domestic goddess not catching HW gladit's no just me then Ooh love Tapas lucky you Tannee!!

Have just hd some awful news , one of the girls i used to teach at school killed herself last night she had had pretty rotton life she was only 16 It makes you think........

TimeForMe · 23/01/2009 20:04

Brilliant!!

TimeForMe · 23/01/2009 20:09

Hi Lily! Well, if we are all living happily ever after and have nothing to moan about we could always switch to talking about house keeping, swap tip's, recipes and all that

Pinnies at the ready girls!

Lilyloo · 23/01/2009 20:35

Lol TFM

McD see your not keeping him at arms length just yet

TimeForMe · 23/01/2009 21:01

Well that depends Lily. we don't know how long his 'arm' is

ladylush · 23/01/2009 21:16

that cheered me up

ilovecunnilingus · 23/01/2009 21:18

Evening all

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