FAB & GLAM PART 9 - DOES IT GET BETTER NOW!!

[macdoodle]

Started new thread guys as needed to post and old one wouldnt let me - sorry if name is bit miserable but thats how am feeling !

The police have just left
It all went tits up tonight - H found out/suspected about NM and lost it completely - was physically abusive and took my phone - best friend called the police!
Has been a hell of a night - long statement - excellent police man - who says should have called them a long time ago - gonna get the domestic violence team to ring me tomorrow - he will be arrested and probably cautioned - he seems really worried it will escalate - has put a marker on the phone for an immediate response, has adviced me to change the locks and go away for a bit if I can, and they will look at putting an alarm in the house
There is still a part of me that feels I am over reacting/is all my fault - even though an experienced police oficer is not happy about the situation!
What a mess my life has turned into

Unless you were a bill TFM then we could ignore you.

My mum is not too well - they cannot get her blood sugars stable so she is a bit up and down.
I have said that we (me and my father) are not prepared to take her home until she is able to look after herself a bit more - and the hospital have agreed with us. Yet they were willing to discharge her on Monday, with no support.
I had to be all assertive too - and although i did find it difficult i think my dad is really grateful as he was not coping too well.

DH mums memorial service today too.

feel as if i am running on adrenalin at the moment.

Lol HW. Yes we can all ignore a bill

MacD - great post. Totally agree. Would also add that although not madness, distorted thinking can mimic madness - iyswim. For instance, it is clear to us that Dior would feel differently about her weight (and more importantly about herself)if her h didn't keep reinforcing the negative view she holds. Yet because she is so far immersed in the problem she can't see beyond the weight.

McD that was a great post - but we must all be a bit 'mad' to meet up with random internet posters surely.

And what is overwieght anyway? Some chart some loony Drs refer too. I would come up on the very obese scale and yet i ran a 10km race a few weeks ago.

I also look back to my lowest weight of recent times and it was when i was at my lowest point - and i would not want to go there again.

HA!! Can't ignore me now can you????

McD - thanks for your post. I honestly can not decide what causes me to feel this way. I had a bit of a meltdown on Wednesday, which I won't go into too much on here. It was very scary and I am very grateful to the friends who looked out for me for the rest of the week. H was able to come home slightly earlier, work from home the next day and has been very supportive. He does come up trumps when I need him, but I do take on board what you said.

I am facing up to the fact that I have a severe eating problem. I don't know what it would be called, but it is like bulemia without the throwing up! I have always has issues with food.

I am not bad, and would not call myself mad (well, only as a way to be nonchalent about my situation), so I must be sad. I feel horrible though as h has been so supportive this week, and has given me lots of hugs and cuddles.

I am really glad to hear you so happy McD. Your story wasone that I despaired over tbh, as your h seemed to have such a hold on you. I am so 'proud' of you that you have moved on and are happy with nm.

HW - sorry you are stressed at the moment. I am thinking of you xx

Dior you are def not mad or bad - I have met you and i know you are lovely! In fact, at about 5am this morning I was driving towards Col up the M11 and thought how nice it would be to stop at yours (major upset with DP left me driving around Essex on Midsummer morning - don't ask!) I am glad to hear that H was supportive of you this week but OH how I wish he would be the same when you are feeling positive! You so deserve it!

Anyone up for a lunch in Essex or London? We have takers with HW, Dior and Ginnny and I REALLY need a break! DP is doing my head in - nice enough for awhile but then completely unhinged (we had a weird incident involving what he called 'the evil celery' when he was supposed to be making spagbol for a friend of his, but then abandoned it when a stick of celery knocked the dish of drained fat all over the floor, and left me to clean up and let his friend in while he sat in the garden plugged into his ipod and a bottle of wine!) and last night/this morning a heart to heart where I told him to leave - and then drove off into the dawn myself for over an hour. I really feel I've had enough of his crap belief that he is trapped in this relationship, but he WON'T BLOODY GO!

So I have not slept all night - have to try to nap as I am visiting my dear old dad later.

Hi to everyone else!

Tanee - . It seems that we both drift on in our lives with the same old crap. Should we swap lives for a bit and sort the other's out? I would not stand for any drunken crap from yours and you would make mine see things differently...worth a try?

I would have loved to see you, but maybe not at 5am...

• no, 5am would not have been good. I've been exhausted all day as a result, though had a good time at my parents for father's day. Have been avoiding DP all day and sleeping in the spare room. He's just come in and asked me whether I have a preference for estate agents for selling up and separating . He says he's

going to contact agents tomorrow. So maybe this is really it . He also suggested I send DD away until it's done. He's projecting all his anger, misery. whatever, onto her and said he thought he might be a danger to her. He himself won't go as he says he has nowhere to go to. Of course, he'd been drinking as usual, but he was very quiet and serious. It's all gone horribly wrong. Am hoping TFM will steer me through this - she's been a rock. I feel rather numb. Can't believe our fairytale romance has come to this.

OK!! You win!! You CAN ignore me!

Tanee, try not to worry sweetie. He has stepped up his game because he knows his previous tactics get no response from you. He is pushing his boundaries even further. He knows that DD is your achilles heel, your fatal weak spot, he knows full well that by mentioning her he will get a reaction. He doesn't want to split up, he doesn't want to sell the house, if he did he would just go ahead and do it. He would have no concern for you, DD, which estate agent to use, he wouldn't want to discuss it because he wouldn't want any opposition. By going about it the way he is he is looking for opposition. You sit tight sweetie, try not to let this get you down, try as best as you can to keep a distance between you.

Will be back soon, visitors here!! xx

Tanee - no advice, but neither do YOU have anywhere to go. Tell him to shift himself and find somewhere.

Big squishy hug

thanks both. Part of me knows he's unlikely to act, part of me wonders if I'll get home one day soon to find a for sale board up. I shall sit tight TFM and see! I'll be v cross if I do, as the garden's looking so pretty now and house prices down our road ain't great. Not that we'd sell quickly - the house is too cluttered and I won't be doing any tidying!

I agree BILL - tannee if you do go ahead and put the house on the market he will claim the 'victim' status.
But i can understand that you do need to take control and make sure you get what you want.

How are you dior? Lunch not looking too promising at the moment - DM still in hospital.

Tanee I have emailed you with this but I shall tell you here in case you haven't seen it. You take control by telling him "You do whatever you need to do DP and let me know when it is done. Don't bother me with the details until then" Deliver that speech and then walk away. Pour yourself a glass of wine, grab a big bag of crisps and go watch some rubbish tele! That will take away all the power he feels he has by saying those wicked things! If you are giving him permission then he has nowhere else to go with it.

Thinking of you xx

Hello to everyone else

Tannee, I'm so sorry he's being so difficult. I agree wholeheartedly with TFM he is trying to push your buttons and get the upper hand, so don't let him. Bit shitty to use your dd for emotional blackmail like that though.
Lunch one day would be great. Thursday is a good day for me but can probably juggle things about for another day. Let me know when you can all make it and I'll be there. I'd love a day in London away from it all. I'm so busy with work, sports days, parents evenings etc and it was ds2's birthday last week and his party on Sunday so I'm still reeling from that!!!
A lovely child free lunch sounds like bliss right now!!
Chin up Dior - we all love you x

Ginnny - that made me feel sad but happy all at the same time IYKWIM! Thank you

I am having a bad time of things at the moment. Ds is having problems with his 'girl friend' (in that she is a manipulative madam, even at 8) and I have totally over-reacted over it all. I have made a mess of the whole thing instead of remaining calm. I really like the mum but keep thinking she we are going to fall out over it all .

Everything seems so much bigger and blacker at the moment. I am an emotional parasite and need people around me all the time or I freak out. I really don't know what to do with myself, apart from the obvious. It would solve everything for me, I couldn't do that to ds though.

Dior, sorry to hear DS is having relationship problems too - boy, they're starting younger and younger these days. Usually I say leave the kids to it and try not to involve the mothers, but if you and she get on well, do you think you could arrange to meet for a coffee and talk it over in a positive way, without seeming to criticize her little madam outright?

Ginny and TFM thanks! TFM I have read your emails over and over and will respond when I have a break(I should be working now but what the hell!) Yes it IS shitty of DP to drag DD into it, I think it's partly because he knows she's my remaining weak spot and maybe it makes him feel better or maybe even noble to 'admit' he's dangerous - it feeds his self-hatred - but as Dior will understand, when you're in the throes of depression, things look very black, Black, Black - it's like that Fast Show sketch - and of course DP exacerbates it by drinking. When he'd depressed and drunk, it brings out his darkest side and EVERYTHING is negative, so he wants to run away and hide, throw out all his toys and then when he's alone again in some crumbling wreck of a flat, he can say to himself, 'well, this is all I deserve because I'm such a bad person, but look, I saved the woman I love and her daughter from the evil that is ME'. He thinks, in that mood, that splitting up would be best for all, but I am sure deep down he KNOWS that it is being with me that is keeping him alive! Perhaps he doesn't want that ...

He's been very quiet since Sunday night and I have kept largely out of his way. No mention of selling again, and he has been quietly friendly and given me the usual little kiss when leaving for work. I realise that selling up is his usual refrain now whenever he feels out of control - it's his one way of trying to regain that control. If I don't bite, he's left rudderless. So yes, TFM, I'm not biting. As I said to him on Sunday, following your advice, HE can choose the agents and make all the arrangements. I leave it in his 'capable' hands !

Re lunch, Thursdays are good for me too, but I can take a day off to fit in with everyone else. And don't worry about being depressed with us Dior, we are there for you whether you are down OR up. We're your friends and if you need people around you, here we are ! TFM - would there ever be a chance of us meeting up with you?

Oh by the way Dior, 'the obvious' would be a VERY BAD IDEA. This planet would be very dull without you. Come on, let's be ladies who lunch!

Hi Tanee You sound to be doing so very well despite the obvious upset all of the problems with DP are causing you. You remain firm and look after yourself. You are unable to help him if he refuses to be helped but you can stop yourself from enabling him. Don't worry about replying to the emails, I know you have a lot on your plate right now And I would love to meet up with you all one day, I truly would. I think once we all start gassing we would need more than a lunch hour though

Dior, I feel so sad for you, I hate to think of you feeling so down. I wish there was something I could do to help you. I think you should put on some lippy and go out for lunch with our girls and give the people you trust the gift of being able to help by listening to you. I do hope you start to feel a whole lot brighter soon. Thinking of you x

Hi to everyone else. I hope you are all enjoying the warm weather. It's so very warm here but we have no sun!

TFM here, just saying "hi" to everyone! Hope you are all enjoying the sunshine. It's nice here but not as hot as they promised it would be. There's rather a cool breeze to the nether regions!! probably due to the fact I'm wearing a dress today rather than jeans!

Hope everyone is ok xx

Hi TFM (love the new name - even though Lush is still not cracking!)
It is lovely here, really hot in the sun but a nice cool breeze at times too.
How are things with you Tannee? Hope you are enjoying the sunshine and not getting too down about DP.
Dior - don't know what to say to you, you sound so down. I just wish I could come up there and give you a hug! Lets fix up a date for that lunch TFM I think if you were to come to a meetup it would have to be a weekend affair, we'd all talk ourselves hoarse!

Hi Ginny! Lovely to hear from you. I thought you had all started anew thread and left me behind

With regards to a meet up yes, I reckon a weekend might be a good start, I can talk a lot once I get going you know. I bet that surprises you doesn't it?

I think LL is avoiding me. I reckon she has opened the envelope and knows what we are having but wants to keep me hanging! The norty girl!

And thanks for the comment on my new name. I've had a couple of compliments on it now, I might just keep it!! Well I get plenty of 'time for me' now so maybe it's time for a change.

Hi everyone
Sunshine is lovely here - we had a fantastic sports day, and a couple of medals for DS1 and DD2, DD4 has hers tomorrow after her school trip today.
My brain cant cope at the moment - there are so many end of term things going on, And i havent even seen a single match at wimbledon.

My mum is still in hospital but should be coming out soon - my dad is not looking forward to having to do the care though and is being a bit awkward at the mo.

Not sure what is worse kids or parents .

Hi everyone - nope defo not avoiding anyone Like the new name TFM Sorry just a quick update for now - will catch up on all your news soon.

Have been in hospital past few days. D/c yesterday evening. My membranes ruptured on Monday whilst I was at work. So a bit of a shock, to say the least. I was only 27+5 weeks. No idea why. No pains and fluids are clear. Cervix closed. No sign of infection as yet, which is the main risk to me/baby. Have been monitored 4 times a day and my obs have been consistently within normal range. Had steroid injections just in case baby decides to come early. What a rollercoaster this pregnancy is turning out to be. Baby is doing fine and moving about a lot. CTG traces were fine. Have to go back to hospital next week to see consultant.

LL - glad to hear things are holding up with baby - what a worry though! Keep that cervix shut and open the envelope ! (TFM is very naughty!) If it's any comfort, my sister had your experience with her first - my nephew decided he was bored inside and popped out at 7 months, so weeny he was, like a wizened version of his father and we were all worried. He's now 16, tall and gangly, and scarily intelligent as well as extraordinarily funny. He got terrified by an apple strudel on Father's Day and had us in fits.

Ginnny, TFM, we would need a WEEK at least to chatter. And if HW, Dior and McD joined us, a month!

HW glad to hear your mother is coming out soon (of hospital, that is). If your father is anything like mine, he's panicking at having to do the caring instead of being cared for! Hope things go well.

DP is behaving better again. He seems to have these 'selling up' fits about once a month at the moment - every time we have a disagreement, he takes this stance. I think it's because, as he himself has admitted, he hates arguments and is no good at them, and nor am I. We both get emotional in different ways. But whilst I accept that all couples have disagreements and you weather them (my parents have been yelling at each other for 60 years) - he sees it as terminal, he's a failure, we're a failure and he wants to escape. After the latest, though, he's done a couple of things he's never done before - actually left me a note when he went out on Tuesday night (normally he would just disappear without telling me) and left a note for DD yesterday, passing on a phone message. Normally he doesn't even answer the phone! DD was quite disconcerted! So things are improving again, but I'm still on my guard. Don't worry TFM, I haven't forgiven him yet!