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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I have been doing really well but....

191 replies

NAB3lovelychildren · 14/01/2009 15:58

.... I spoke to a mutual friend last night and I really want to tell him about it. Keep me busy as I know he doens't want to know. (emailed to say I had gossip and did he want to know, and no reply.) I am not going to email again. Keep me focused!!

OP posts:
Alambil · 14/01/2009 18:15

That's great progress nab, really it is...

Do you think the next step is to control what you feel / think when / if people DO mention him?

So it's like "yeh, cool - I used to know him... no biggie" etc?

It's a process - a road ... you've gone a LONG way down it, but there's still a few metres left, I think.

Very nearly there NAB - you've done really well, including the few blips, to come this far.

Well done

wannaBe · 14/01/2009 18:15

fgs is this still going on?

Earlier this week I read a thread from someone who was wondering if her friend who had an affair deserved any sympathy because he was missing the ow, even though he knew what he had done was wrong. The general consensus was that he deserved no sympathy at all and that clearly he was making himself into the victim to gain sympathy and yet he was the one who put everything at risk.

This is no different. If this was a man posting, or a woman posting that her dh had had an affair/was contemplating an affair and was still missing the ow people would be telling her to leave him, or at best be telling her that her dh needs to cut all contact with the ow in order for their relationship to stand a chance.

Why have you not deleted his contact details? he is not and can never be a part of your life again. Ever. If you love your dh and respect him then this other man is nothing to you. You must never have any contact with him again. And in order to do that you must delete all his details.

We all make mistakes. And we can all admit to our mistakes if we truely regret them and want to put things right.

But there have been threads upon threads upon threads about this, and tbh I think it has gone from admitting to making your mistake to gaining attention from this. What do you expect people to say when you admit to wanting him again? "there there you're only human and it's so sad"?

You are not a victim. Your dh is. He is the one that deserves the sympathy.

You've made the mistake, you've admitted to it. Now you need to grow up and put it behind you. No more talk of the om, no more contact with him, nothing. And if you can't do that maybe it's time to let your dh go and be with someone who deserves him, because he deserves better than this. He deserves better than to constantly be told how much you miss the love of your life.

MorrisZapp · 14/01/2009 18:16

Tries to resist AAAAARGHHHH

Believed what exactly?

That a 30 year old woman cannot see anything at all wrong with sending a private email to a married man she nearly left her DH for in very recent memory, because the content of the email was just gossip?

I struggle to believe that too but you keep repeating yourself that it's ok if it's only gossip. You keep coming close to speaking sense then making a total idiot of yourself again!

There is nothing for anybody to 'believe' or otherwise - you have told us what you have done, and what you have done is wrong.

AAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHH!!

MorrisZapp · 14/01/2009 18:22

Right, enough of this.

I'm off for a half price dinner at Pizza Express.

Nab, dig out your best underwear, make your DH the best steak dinner of his life and get the fuck on with the rest of your life with the man you have chosen.

Good luck and cheerio x

NAB3lovelychildren · 14/01/2009 18:23

There is nothing I can say.

You have made your feelings clear and have made you mind up.

Sometimes people do stupid things for innocent reasons. You clearly don't feel the same but that isn't anything I can do about this.

I neither expect or deserve sympathy.

I will think carefully about what I post in future as I feel people make their minds up and just won't take things as they are meant.

OP posts:
Dior · 14/01/2009 18:26

NAB - SEriously, read this thread in a year's time and you will laugh at what you are saying now.

Anyway, say I agree that you are over him, does that make any difference? All you need to do is delete him from your email address book and never contact him again. You had your chance with him and it didn't happen. OK, so it was a 'star-crossed lovers' deal, but it happened. You are both with someone else and it not acceptable to keep contacting him.

He has probably blocked you .

NAB3lovelychildren · 14/01/2009 18:27

Just went to email ILs.

He has emailed.

I have deleted without reading and blocked his address.

Now do you believe I am done with it?

OP posts:
Dior · 14/01/2009 18:28

Well done.

You both need to move on.

NAB3lovelychildren · 14/01/2009 18:28

I can't quite laugh yet Dior as what I have done is not funny, but I KNOW I have been an idiot.

OP posts:
Alambil · 14/01/2009 18:30

Well done!!

Just keep remembering that you ARE doing well, no matter what we think - it's what you do and your DH that's important here

NAB3lovelychildren · 14/01/2009 18:31

I know but I see you guys as friends and it is hard when your friends are so cross with you.

OP posts:
Dior · 14/01/2009 18:32

I was never cross. A little frustrated but totally understanding. I was being cruel to be kind.

BecauseImWorthIt · 14/01/2009 18:33

Well we've been cross with you for a reason! Friends are the ones who tell you the truth, not what you want to hear at the time.

NAB3lovelychildren · 14/01/2009 18:34

True. But sometimes it felt harsher than necessary!

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BecauseImWorthIt · 14/01/2009 18:34
Grin
candystick · 14/01/2009 18:35

OMG -I've just returned to this thread to check that I hadn't been flamed for what I'd said.

Thank you to everyone who agreed that I was right to post what its like to be on the receiving end of a situation (remarkably) similar to NABs.

NAB -a few things you have said have jumped out at me. I won't go into them all other than this one:

By NAB3lovelychildren on Wed 14-Jan-09 17:36:24
"Well, I didn't think a old friend news email was a threat to my marriage and neither did my husband".

You might not consider it a threat to your marriage but the OW (ie. someone like me) could very much see it as the last straw.

If I were to find evidence of any communication between DP and the ex he had the emotional affair with I cannot say what would happen for sure but any trust would be gone instantly and it could quite possibly be the end of our relationship.

You may see it as innocent but its not -its still reeks of trying to maintain those links, sharing laughs/experiences (that your partners are not part of), being there for each other etc etc until just maybe things go a little further.....

wannaBe · 14/01/2009 18:35

I never said you didn't deserve sympathy. I said we all make mistakes and sometimes we have the courage to admit to those mistakes and put them right. But once we decide to right the wrongs then we can't keep going back.

At the moment your judgement is clouded. You may think that it isn't, but it is. And it will only take you getting through this to see that. In a year's time when you've not been in contact with him you will look back at these threads (or the other conversations you've had with your dh etc) and wonder what the hell you were thinking to think that you were in control and were over it.

Well done for blocking his address.

prettyfly1 · 14/01/2009 18:35

nab for goodness sake stop with the "want to be friends thing". I am sorry love but I am going to be really harsh. You dont want his friendship. You just dont want to let him go and this will keep him in your life. You talk and think about him all the time so this is obvious. LET IT GO. If you care about this man so much accept the fact that he wants his family and give him the space to rebuild that. He obviosuly cant be around you and torturing him is not helping. Stop it now before you drive yourself and your dh mad.

candystick · 14/01/2009 18:36

Its just taken me an age to type that so I think I might have X posted with quite a few developments -sorry

NAB3lovelychildren · 14/01/2009 18:36

NO way should you have been flamed and I thank you for posting.

As you can see, it is done. I have blocked him since HE emailed me.

I told you all it was over!!

OP posts:
NAB3lovelychildren · 14/01/2009 18:38

I made a mistake thinking he would want to have some friends news.

Do you really all think I deserved the kicking I had?

I can see he might not have thought it was innocent but he did email and I did block him.

OP posts:
dittany · 14/01/2009 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannaBe · 14/01/2009 18:41

no, the mistake you made was nearly having the affair.

Wen you knew it was over you should have walked away then and there. The contacting him was not a mistake, it was an inability to let go. But you can't see that right now.

wannaBe · 14/01/2009 18:44

think about it like this.

Next time a woman posts that her husband has been having an emotional affair, do you think that you will be able to empathize with her dh? When she posts that although he told her it was over he has still been emailing the ow will you be able to dee it from her dh's pov? or will you think he's being selfish?

NAB3lovelychildren · 14/01/2009 18:46

I have let go. But I can see that it could have been a sign that I didn't want to deep down.

I know exactly what this man meant to be when we were 15 which is why I have thought about him all these years and why it got so intense so quickly.

I can not keep saying I am done with it.

I have blocked him.

I have deleted his numbers.

I am sorry I had a moment of weakness and didn't think it through about sending gossip but my DH is the only perfect one in this house!

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