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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have been doing really well but....

191 replies

NAB3lovelychildren · 14/01/2009 15:58

.... I spoke to a mutual friend last night and I really want to tell him about it. Keep me busy as I know he doens't want to know. (emailed to say I had gossip and did he want to know, and no reply.) I am not going to email again. Keep me focused!!

OP posts:
Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 14/01/2009 17:39

Okay.

You all think I still have feelings for this man.

You think I was wrong to email a bit of news.

You all think I am an idiot.

That is fine.

I have no feelings for this man other than fondness for what we had and relief it didn't come to anything.

I was merely passing on something funny and didn't think it would be a big deal.

I have been an idiot.

OP posts:
TooMuchNoise · 14/01/2009 17:40

Utter tripe.

MorrisZapp · 14/01/2009 17:40

OH MY GOD it is a threat to HIS marriage, which is why he asked you never to contact him!!!!!!

Is this a wind up?

Can you really not see why emailing the married love of your life about anything, including jokes, is wrong?

Did you really think he meant 'Do not contact me ever again. Unless it's really funny'??

TooMuchNoise · 14/01/2009 17:40

You're either completely unaware or massively deluded.

ilove · 14/01/2009 17:40

My husband had a woman write to him at work. Not at home (this was in the days before email etc was so common...)

I found the letter he wrote back to her in his coat pocket...I'd put his coat on rather than mine because his was warmer.

Let me tell you something...if you had absolutely nothing to hide and it was totally innocent, you would NOT have hidden it from his wife.

You are fooling yourself and making an absolute twat out of your husband. Believe you me, he won't be as forgiving as you think...

TheMadHouse · 14/01/2009 17:41

It was something that ahppened at school - NAB you have 3 children and have left school long ago. What do you want from him, he obviously doesnt want anything from you. Grow up

HolyGuacamole · 14/01/2009 17:42

NAB, I have been following your threads and have tried to be really diplomatic and understanding.

I think you are kidding yourself on. Sending an 'innocent' email to try and start some kind of dialogue. Even if you want to, you cannot be friends with this man because of the feelings you have for him. I find it very disrespectful towards your husband. I also think you included your 'mutual' friend in the email as another inroad to communication, another way to try and get him to respond to you because you simply cannot let this go. You are secretly hoping for some kind of friendship/relationship with this man to the exclusion of his wife - that is blatantly obvious.

He has told you he has too much respect for his own relationship to keep contact with you, perhaps you should take a leaf from his book. I honestly feel really sorry for your DH. You talk about being all normal again with your DH but that is not true.....because....you are still trying to muster some kind of response from this other man. You are having a one sided emotional affair whether you admit it or not.

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 14/01/2009 17:42

Not a wind up.

I didn't think passing on something that wasn't anything to do with us was a threat to his marriage. It was a bit of school gossip.

Clearly I am thinking differently from everyone else. Because I know I have worked through my feelings and got everything back on board with DH, I was thinking this would be okay.

I was wrong. It happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 14/01/2009 17:43

Thank you for all your comments. Have read and taken them all on board. You all have your opinions and that is fine.

I have to sort the kids out now.

Thank you.

OP posts:
TooMuchNoise · 14/01/2009 17:43

worked through 20 years of feelings which nearly destroyed two famlilies in a week. God your therapist's good

dittany · 14/01/2009 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aimsmum · 14/01/2009 17:45

Message withdrawn

noddyholder · 14/01/2009 17:45

the thread title gives it away really It implies you couldn't resist Have more respecy for his relationship it is invasive to cross this line

TooMuchNoise · 14/01/2009 17:46

And I'm pleased the discussion's finished for the moment I'm feeling quite aerated.

I hope you manage to work things out.

ilove · 14/01/2009 17:46

You haven't taken ANYTHING on board because deep down you are desperately hoping he will respond to your email...clicking send/receive every couple of minutes...feeling that flutter when you realise there's an email arriving and the thud of disappointment when it is yet another viagra salescrap.

You aren't over him. LEAVE HIM, AND HIS FAMILY, ALONE.

MorrisZapp · 14/01/2009 17:48

This is classic internet trolling. I know you are a long standing and well liked MNer but ime people who continually post the same thing with their fingers in their ears so to speak, are trolls, or are at least acting like them.

I mean by this your point blank refusal to admit (or discuss the concept) that when you email this man, it matters not a jot what the content is, and it is his marriage as well as yours you need to think about.

I think you just love the attention. You've certainly got it here.

TooMuchNoise · 14/01/2009 17:48

MZ you're right. A litle like small children for whom even negative attention is better than none.

Rindercella · 14/01/2009 17:49

See, here's the thing. I think you really want him to choose you over his wife. I don't think you can stand the fact he has asked you not to contact him anymore. You stated, quite vicously imo, that he wanted to "shaf you". You email him somethin his DW wouldn't find interesting as it was to do with something pre-her. You have wasted 20 years of your life on him.

You ask for help & opinions. You get upset when (I think) 100% of the people here tell you the same thing: it is wrong for you to have any contact with him.

Your DH has stood by you through all of this (I have read your previous posts), I think you secretly revel in the fact he has done so. not out of any love for him; more out of an ego trip for you.

Harsh? Maybe. But in all of your posts I can only see you talking/moping about YOUR feelings. YOUR hurt. What about the others involved here?

MarlaSinger · 14/01/2009 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 14/01/2009 17:50

I have been naive to think that it would be okay to pass on this gossip.

I know you are all right. I am upset as I am done with all the nonsence (have more important things going on too) and I guess I would hope that you would have faith in me.

Unfortunately I have been that stupid and am not a troll.

Because I had worked through it I thought it would be okay, I know I was wrong.

I apologise to those I shouted at.

OP posts:
Rindercella · 14/01/2009 17:51

"shag you" was what I meant to type. Obviously

MorrisZapp · 14/01/2009 17:52

Absolutely spot on Rindercella.

Harsh, but the evidence is there.

Lizzylou · 14/01/2009 17:53

Totally with you MZ and Toomuchnoise, have started to say as much and then thought was being harsh, but this child-like refusal to admit to anything and not answering Dittany's very valid questions have driven me to despair.

I am off to play with DS, I truly hope that you take some points on board Nab, because you seem hell bent on destroying a lot of people's happiness at the moment.

dittany · 14/01/2009 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lulumama · 14/01/2009 17:55

yep , i posted a few minutes ago about how you would feel if Dh was doing this to you

next time you want to email him, think about if you were in his shoes

god, i don;t think my DH woudl be as forgiving, to be honest, and he is also one of the good guys

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