He followed the script!!!

[shockedandawed]

Namechanger.

First he didn't recognise the number and didn't know her. Then maybe she was trying to blackmail him. Then she was blackmailing him but nothing happened. Then I found the text messages and..... you guessed it, it was just a kiss(or three) that never meant anything and when he told her it was over she went psycho and threatened to tell me. He swears they never slept together. Says he loves me and the DDs doesn't want to lose us etc.

Begged me not to read the texts, begged me not to call her (he even disconnected the line into the house ). I called her number and she denied knowing him. I sent a text from his phone saying "Please don't tell my wife. Don't call, text me" and she sent 7 back saying she loves him and he loves her and she doesn't care what I think because they are together.

He works abroad, she lives there. I found out because I had a haunch (I guess it's true thata a wife always knows) and she called me but hung up. Going for full STI screening tomorrow. Calling my solicitor tomorrow. Then I need to wait and see how I feel I guess. Right now feel like I'm watching a movie. Any advice gratefully received.

The ow is probably just as furious as you are and these threats are just her way of getting her anger out - i know i said some pretty dreadful things when i was angry - some of which really was not me.

I toatally disagree with not being able to do anything about the job - my h also part owned the firm he was with - it is a clear choice of what is more important.
My h made the huge sacrifice to put my wellbeing and happiness before ANYTHING.
I would rather be struggling and happy than to have to 'put-up' with something i am not happy with.

having said that i do know just how hard it is to make your boundaries and stick to them - i will no longer tolerate him working so closely with female collegues - he is so much more open now, if he does have to work with women he will make sure we can all meet. It does sound extreme but we are both happy with it and it works for us.

Hi, when my H cheated on me I wished I made him change jobs but he put up so much resistance (more fool me!), even though I put up with so much crap from his family, supported him etc, he always went on how OTHER WOMEN at work understood him better, told him he was such a nice person etc etc. Anyway I think he has being seeing this same person again as I found some text messages from a freind of his asking him if he was with the OW "GIVING HER ONE", the text was sent to him when he was on a supposed night out with the lads! Anyway she's more then welcome to him now.

Someone please tell me I'll be able to sleep and eat again! Every time I try to eat something I feel sick. At this rate I'm going to end up with a severely malnourished baby. It feels like my milk is drying up. I can't sleep for longer than an hour and I wake up in a panic. I thought the worst bit was over but now it seems to have hit me. Help!

I am so sorry. I wish I had some useful words to offer you, but just know that you are not alone.

I am sorry too shocked that now your baby has to suffer too. I hope your h is ashamed of himself.

Happywoman, my h will not make that sacrifice for me so I guess he does not think as much of me as yours does of you

SAA, can you eat little and often, sort of invalid food - soup, yoghurts, etc? Banana on toast is my hangover staple, so might work if you're feeling sick.

And dittany's idea sounds good, to give you a bit of space.

Shocked - Hi so sorry this is now affecting your baby as well! Its bad enough he's behaved like this but when a bably is involved......... try wine's idea of eating little and often and maybe try and go for a walk to get some fresh air if possible. You should consider kicking him out for a week as well, because although you want him to experience what you're going through, he's going to be quite selfish still and see this situation as how it is affecting him and the trauma he is going through. You need space from him thats for sure.

I agree with getting him to move out for a week. TBH after the week is up you will hopefully be able to see clearly that he should not come back. WHy invest any more time, money or effort in this parasitic man who has taken you for everything and isn't grateful? THe infidelity is one thing but it sounds like he has been leeching off you for years and you would be so much better off without him.

Shocked - I'm so sorry for the continuing shit being heaped on you. A couple of things:

o Would it help to think of your emotions as physical symptoms? A bit like 8 hours after waking up for an operation when the initial painkillers have started to wear off, but you know that you're actually in better shape than you were, IYSWIM? Might help you to do you're own bit of blocking in order to meet your and your baby's immediate needs?

o It sounds like whether or not you do decide to keep your husband (and from the above I can't see why you'd want to but that's me), he's going to have to get another job anyway - unless he wants to put himself back in the orbit of that loon. So he should be addressing that as soon as possible - give him something to do rather than think up new ways of justifying his crapness.

And is the OW using work resources to contact you? Because if so I would have no compunction at all in letting the company know, and it might give you some respite from her.

Hope you find your way through this...

Shocked - I have followed your thread and wanted to send some support. You have been amazingly strong but you have also received the most terrible shock. You have suffered a terrible bereavement, losing something and someone very important to you. You will feel better eventually, you will sleep and eat again, but you will feel a whole range of emotions before then too.

Your milk supply will not be affected long term. Try to get yourself into the habit of having a glass of milk as you settle down to feed, and make it a special time just for the two of you.

take life on hour at a time now. Don't plan far ahead, just concentrate on getting through the next hour. I agree with Winebeforepearls - something like banana on toast, or toast and honey is nutricious and easy to digest. Eggs are good too. Find something you can eat a little of and you can then eat the same thing every day for the next 3 weeks - it will keep your strength up a little, and there will be no more food decisions to make, until you fancy a change.

Thinking of you.

please go on Bf if you can. it shoudl really help you and your baby feel better. your milk supply shoudl sort itself out in a few days. Women manage to go on producing milk during all sorts of stressful circumstances - i was still able to bf my 12 month old baby while i was pg and caring for an older child who was dying. Somehow your body just gets on with it

its normal to feel so up and down - strong and detremined one way and a sobbing mess the nextbloody men!

shocked - how are you? Please try and eat. I know its hard, i was the same, i didnt eat for about 4 days. But i went home to see family and they were all eating and iate too. I think if i hadnt of broken the cycle of it it would have taken me longer to eat... have you got a friend or family near so get a takeaway in... or to cook something for you? Also your milk supply will be fine, i bfed my dd when all this happened when she was little ( the first time, not the time this year) i was frequently not eating and had tears streaming down my face as i fed her. But i did it, and you can too.
its also good to think of time in sections - just get through one morning, afternoon and evening at a time.
And if you do have a bad day ( like i did yesterday) then go easy on yourself.

Thank you so much everyone for your support. You don't know what it means to me having such a lifeline. I've managed to get about 3hrs sleep through the night in fits and starts. OW has called about 50 times and sent as many texts through the night. He's going to get a PAYG sim today and I think I'll smash this one up at some point.

I've managed to have a bit of yoghurt and some fruit juice this morning and hopefully I'll be able to eat something through the day. We have done a lot of talking through the night and I think he's telling the truth when he says he didn't have sex with her. Her texts just don't add up. Unfortunately whatever the involvement, it has come at a very high price. I don't see how we can be together because wherever we go from here there are going to be so many conditions for my love, respect and trust (if that's even possible to get back) that I fear I'd just be setting him up for a fall.

I am so pissed off because I know he's a better man than this. He has asked me to go with him to counselling and not to make a decision until then. I've agreed to do at least one session before I decide what to do. I've got a session with my counsellor in just over an hour and I've got to go back to the clinic for the blood. I've managed a normal feed this morning and baby's sleeping now. I need to go get ready now. I'll post more later. Thanks again everyone.

I am sure he is still lying to you - its in the script too. My h lied even when he had no need to (either i already knew the truth or we had split) but he was in a place where he just couldnt seem to stop himself, its almost like self destruct.
He did later confess to a lot more and only then once he had finally realised just how important the honesty is, could we start to re-build.

Do go and get some std tests done too.

Go along to some conselling too it really does help but make sure you are being honest with how you feel and do not feel pressured into anything.

You can get over this together but you both really do need to want to put lots of work in.

You sound strong - well done and take care.

I think he is lying too, sorry. No matter how crazy this OW sounds, her reactions are not those of a woman who spent the night just lying next to a man in bed.

You must not let him hold anything back.

Im sorry - i suspect he is still lying too. Anyfucker is right - that would be a very very extream reaction for just lying next to someone on a bed. But im sure deep down you know that, you are just trying to tell yourself that she is crazy and its her fault. Also like happy, my dh ( what do i call him now?) continues his lies, about nothing, when its not necessary. I dont think he even realises he is lying....

Well done for eating, make sure you have something else later today... you will be ok. Good luck for your appt and blood work too. Dont feel pressured into anything, and dont feel like you have to make any decisions right now either.

< wrings hands >

what a fucking mess

Oh wise MN ladies, we're on the next step of the script. Yes, they had sex - I guess I knew that anyway but so wanted to believe it wasn't true. I don't get it. Why lie when there is fuck all reason to????

Anyway, saw the counsellor today and I feel so much calmer. It was good to speak to someone impartial. She's given me some exercises to do and recommended a couple of books.

Went back to the clinic and finally got the blood for the rest of the tests. I feel like a pin-cushion though. Today's nurse was brilliant and very sympathetic. I'll get the results by Friday - I am so scared.

The phone calls kept coming through the morning but he managed to get his mobile disconnected. He's made an appointment with the counsellor tomorrow and wants me to go with him. Haven't decided yet if I want to do that. I think he could probably do to go by himself and explore firstly the reason behind his aversion to the truth.

I feel like I've had a few little victories today but I'm drained. alipiggie, dhread and ohfeck, you've been in my thoughts today.

Thinking of you right now- good luck love, you will get through this x

Glad you got some positive help from your counsellor. Maybe he should go himself first, they will tell him straight that you need the truth.

Sorry you found out about the sex but it's better that you know everything, then there are no surprises down the line and you can make rational decisions when the time is right. Now is far too soon, you still sound very shell shocked and need a lot of time to work through your feelings.