He followed the script!!!

[shockedandawed]

Namechanger.

First he didn't recognise the number and didn't know her. Then maybe she was trying to blackmail him. Then she was blackmailing him but nothing happened. Then I found the text messages and..... you guessed it, it was just a kiss(or three) that never meant anything and when he told her it was over she went psycho and threatened to tell me. He swears they never slept together. Says he loves me and the DDs doesn't want to lose us etc.

Begged me not to read the texts, begged me not to call her (he even disconnected the line into the house ). I called her number and she denied knowing him. I sent a text from his phone saying "Please don't tell my wife. Don't call, text me" and she sent 7 back saying she loves him and he loves her and she doesn't care what I think because they are together.

He works abroad, she lives there. I found out because I had a haunch (I guess it's true thata a wife always knows) and she called me but hung up. Going for full STI screening tomorrow. Calling my solicitor tomorrow. Then I need to wait and see how I feel I guess. Right now feel like I'm watching a movie. Any advice gratefully received.

hey make sure thet your dh goes for a std check, and mention it to the nurse whos taking the scraping sample that its because he cheated. im sure they'll treat him with all the gentleness he deserves-not

Oh God, I know it probably wasn't a complete surprise, but I'm sure a little bit of you was hoping he hadn't.

We are still at the denying sex stage- because apparently, there weren't any private places, well there has been since Sunday and I'm willing to bet they have been together in his cosy apartment where he has gone to 'think'

I am feeling crap as I just had to speak to him on the phone, avoided this morning, but the kids passed the phone to me just now.

I spoke in one syllables, yes, no, when, bye

He sounded very surprised, but didn't say anything and got off the phone pretty quick.

Anyway, I thought I might bump into OW today at kids swimming, but surprisingly her and her kids were not there, chicken?

Well done for speaking to a counsellor shocked, I think it will help. If I were you I would have to go with him tomorrow, just so I could hear what he had to say.

Not sure what's for the best though, I'm afraid I don't have a lot of faith left in anything much right now.

I know how you feel dhreadmythread. After all the lies I feel it is futile to try to determine the truth at this point. The thing is if I go to the counselor with him there is no guarantee that he'll tell the truth - I'm not even sure he'd recognise it now. It's almost like he's lying to himself and it's one thing to get at the truth when someone is lying to you but when they are lying to themselves it's impossible.

My mum God bless her heart has been a great help till now but she obviously has too much of a vested interest so isn't exactly objective. She thinks I should boot him out and move on but I don't want to feel like I have to make any decisions at the moment. I feel like I owe it to myself to do that but I feel like I owe it to my DDs to give it another go. I am so confused. He is begging for another chance but I fear there'll always be a reminder of the betrayal and I'll not be able to get past it.

I'd say keep your emotional distance from him and allow yourself to get your head sorted out. Only you know what is best for you. His begging will start to get on your nerves if it's not already?

That's so hard, is this the first time ?
I haven't told my mum, still can't bring myself to tell anyone (cept one friend who is a great help)

You are right, you shouldn't make decisions right now, you are still in shock, and so is he (and is not acting normally). When you have got through all the practical issues - getting rid of her, health checks etc, then you can start to see how you feel about him and if there's still a chance

It's the first time. The crazy thing is that we were so in love. He's one of those people that you could always rely on. We had such dreams and plans. I could read him like a book - I guess that's how I knew.

oh no! just come back to this, sso sorry,

why did he admit it then?

I don't know. I told him there was no need to keep lying as it really wouldn't affect my decision but I needed the truth for my own peace of mind.

Almost funny, my H told me her name when I said he might as well show me some respect and be honest. ( I was just saying anything to get him out of him)

I am feeling crap right now, having a bad time, I thought I was doing okay, but speaking to him has really set me off.

I just can't stop thinking the details.

sorry about the details

Not sure where in these parts you are but if you want to talk email me on bluemint1 at go dot com and we can exchange numbers. You just have to take each moment as it comes. My counselor said today that our thoughts and words determine our emotions, which determine our behaviour. Basically try to frame everything in the positive. I've been trying this all day and I've had a few more ups than downs. So sorry you are going through this.

Oh I'm so sorry that there are so many of us out there suffering from this. I too could not understand the constant lying. I call him out on it now, even though we're divorced. Shocked and Dh you've been in my thoughts too. I gave mine another chance and look where that got me. Shocked I'll email you tomorrow, got to turn in another busy day tomorrow. Whatever support I can give you both I'll do that. I'm so determined that this is the year I can move on. Here's hoping. I hope you get some sleep. That bit does get better .

Have just seen this thread.

So sorry for all of you in this situation.

shocked - you need to change numbers and cut the contact with the OW as soon as possible. If she keeps going you should see about some sort of prevention order.

My best friend was with her dp for a year when she found out he was cheating. He was drunk, she blackmailed him into sex yada yada. My bf found out about it. The OW was an absolute bunny boiler. It started with calls and texts, then she was pg and needed an abortion. They paid her the money. She woudn't go away. She sent them baby boy cards saying they had made her kill her baby. It deteriorated into her coming around to their home and ripping out all of the plants in the garden and leaving 5 page letters for him when they were at work. After several months they finally got a prevention order. They went to court and found her 5 months pregnant . She hadn't terminated the baby (they found out later it was her husband's baby). As soon as the order was in place they never heard from her again. It was an absolute nightmare and took them a year to get through it.

I realise the OW is not in the same country but make her realise you mean business and are not taking any crap from her.

Incidentally - my bf and her dp are still together. They worked through it, had twins and he has been a sahd for the last 18 months.

sorry for long post.

I have been following this thread and just wanted to echo what SolidGoldBrass has said about his leeching off you. It does sound like your H has been overly dependent on you both financially, practically and emotionally. You seem to have bailed him out lot of stuff and created opportunities for him that have improved his life and that he might never have created for himself. My worry is that he will fight (and lie) not to lose you because he is overly reliant on you in a Parent/Child way which is not the basis for a happy marriage.

THis is just an observation based on what I have read here, you may be able to dismiss it a not an issue but on the other hand it may be something to discuss with your counsellor and with him if you want to work out how to move forward together.

Best of luck for your results on Friday. I will be thinking of you.

I've managed to get a few hours of sleep and didn't wake up in a blind panic as usual so I'm feeling a bit better.

Accio and SolidGold, I take your point about his dependence on me and I think maybe that was true at the start of our relationship but I feel we really had evolved to a point where we had a balanced relationship in terms of emotional and practical support. That is until recently. Financially I just happened to have always earned more and for me it's never been a big deal but it obviously has for him. This job has changed him. I think because of his position he probably thought he didn't need me anymore. He became so arrogant, selfish and inconsiderate over the past few months. Interestingly my counselor thinks it happened as a result of his low self-esteem. I guess that's something he needs to work out for himself.

Shocked - My H (we're seperated soon to be divorced) suffers with low self esteem compounded by the fact I had a good career. To me it never mattered who brought home the most money but over the years it started to really eat away at him and I think that's part of the reason why he was so horrible to me because it made him feel superior when he could see he had control over me. From reading other messages and threads this seems to be a common theme - there must be a name for it!
Anyway its good you managed a few hours solid sleep and I'm sure this will continue to improve. Just remember its not about what HE wants, its about what YOU want from now on

Thanks for your thoughts alipiggie and shocked, ali- I remember you from the "All those in the states" thread some time ago, my usual name is the opposite of heavenly and I live in the Frozen North (capital city). Sorry to be cryptic but I know he searches under that name.

Well, glad you woke up feeling better shocked, I woke up with that heavy, nervous feeling in my stomach as usual.

My H also may be depressed, he says he is going to talk to someone - really though, I don't think it makes any difference to me and us, ít's no excuse, it's quite bizarre how many men seem to do this (and cite depression) I think they really are just old fashioned wankers led by their pricks. Only difference is they convince themselves it's about 'support' and 'emotional connection'

Went to see the counselor with him this morning. It was the first time I felt he actually understood the magnitude of this fuck up. The counselor said that it didn't really matter what was said in the session because he needed to be totally honest about everything otherwise counseling wouldn't make a difference. She said he should forget about regaining my trust for at least a year - he says he's prepared to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes. After the session he said he'd told me everything about OW yesterday and admitted flirting with several other girls. He said that he'd probably have slept with one of them if he'd been drunk around her.

I just don't think there's a chance at reconciliation here. I can't trust that it'll never happen again. Everyone seems to be saying wait to see how I feel but I'm not sure what is likely to change with time. The counselor did say to keep talking about anything and eventually we'll get to a point where we can talk about this mess in a constructive way. It seems like he wants to fight for me but it's hard to hold on to that when there is no trust anymore. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare.

That's just it. I feel so worn down by it all and how long it has taken to get to the truth that I'm not sure I'm in a "safe" place to trust my instincts right now. One minute I think maybe in time the pain will be less and we can somehow move on and rebuild our marriage but the next minute I think anything we may build will be forever tainted by this which will eventually lead to a lot of resentment on both sides. I don't want an unequal relationship and that's more than likely what we'd end up with because if he's serious about wanting to be with me he'd always be making up for this. I know what we had was really good but we can't turn the clock back. I just feel so confused.

You sound utterly drained emotionally.

I am so sorry, I have been thinking about you today.

Look after yourself.

I am so sorry you are going through this, it must be horrible. I do think, though, that the relationship is beyond salvaging. From what you have said about how you used to bail him out and support him, and his attitude changed when he got a job, I think what has happened is that in his head you became his 'mother' who he has to rebel against and escape from - hence the chasing other women. I am not excusing his behaviour at all BTW: a decent man who felt like that would have ended the relationship as decently as possible before moving on. I think he's an immature parasite who will probably repeat the pattern with the next woman he hooks up with and will go on doing so until he's too bald and toothless and wrinkly to get away with it any more.

Thanks shocked, hope you are doing okay tonight.