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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me, I don't know what to do.... am shaking

194 replies

fruitstick · 03/01/2009 23:41

Bit of background - I'm 7 months pregnant with DC2. DH gave up smoking on the 1st.

I've been pussy footing around him for days trying to be supportive and biting my tongue everytime he snaps at me or is horrid. Have looked after DS1 so he doesn't annoy him etc etc.

Tonight he went out to the pub with his best mate which I was fine about - in fact, quite looking forward a night in by myself after christmas sociability etc.

Anyway, he comes home at 10:30 with 3 strangers in tow (friends of his mate) all roaring drunk. I was in the kitchen in my pyjamas putting some washing on.

I am pissed off that they have ruined my even ing but make my excuses and go and have a bath. Then find that they are about to play sing star. I ask DH if they would mind not as I would like to read (well mumsnet) in bed undisturbed. He just laughs in my face and pushes past me.

I go down and ask, when he is in the kitchen, to fetch my computer. Again he just laughs at me. I fetch my computer myself and get a glass of water and head upstairs. I can't honestly remember what he said to me as I was going but I flipped and threw the glass of water at him (the water not the glass). I know I shouldn't have.

He then comes upstairs and screams at me that I have humilaited him. I don't mind that but it's just the way he spoke to me... just with utter contempt. He then threated to hit me which I have to say he has never ever done and I don't think he would but he looked like he might! He said that he hadn't done anything wrong and that I was behaving like a twat and humiliated him.

He behaves like a spoilt brat regularly when drunk and my friends always overlook it, I suggest his friends might as I'm pregnant. 'No they won't, and neither will anybody else. Nobody gives a shit, what do you want, some kind of medal.'

He then basically says that he wants to have fun with his friends which he doesn't want to do with me. I get upset, he laughs at me again and says 'is that what you want to hear, the truth hurts doesn't it.'

He is now downstairs singing with these complete strangers!

I'm in pieces and I don't know what to do. I want to just wake up DS1 and walk out but I have nowhere to go. All my friends are away.

Am desperate. I know that he won't be sorry and still say it was all my fault for throwing water over him.

Please tell me what to do.

OP posts:

NancysGarden · 07/01/2009 09:57

They should be equal but IME they just are not. I wish it were different but to keep things functional at times of stress...

AnyFucker · 07/01/2009 14:16

NancysGarden, if you can't tell your man when he is behaving like a selfish fuckwit, then you have problems in your relationship. What about your stress and feelings of self-worth? If I had to constantly kow-tow to a man to keep the peace I would not be happy.

I think your viewpoint is unhelpful in these circumstances, you are saying it is OK for a man to always have control in a relationship.

It works the other way too, I would expect my DH to be able to be honest with me.

NancysGarden · 07/01/2009 14:37

My relationship's not perfect but in the real world we all have to make compromises. I think it's counter-productive to list somebody's faults to them: seething resentment is also unhealthy. Instead I prefer to discuss the issue when I am calm. (we all have our limits and I can see why my post might be misconstrued but there's a difference between wording something tactfully and "endlessly understanding and excusing" wanky behaviour.

AnyFucker · 07/01/2009 14:51

Nancy, perhaps we both worded our post a bit wrongly.

I wasn't recommending that anybody just spout a list of faults to their dp. But I would challenge wanky behaviour, no doubt about it. And if I couldn't, the .

Compromise is great, give-and-take is fab. But some of the blokes on this thread want everything their own way and snivel, moan and try to use psychological warfare to get their own way. Compromise has to work both ways.

So, to say that women should give in for an easy life is utterly wrong IMO.

NancysGarden · 07/01/2009 14:52

(On reflection I suppose I do more pussy-footing around issues with DP than with friends/ family. But this is the tact I find I have to take with all work colleagues, children and those with artistic temperaments! Ok, starting to sound like the lady who doth protest too much so I'll shut up now

AnyFucker · 07/01/2009 14:56

Nancy, in RL I am not a strident feminist, believe me.

I work in a caring profession and am known as a great friend to have.

I will discuss issues and have even been known to back down and apologise for arsey behaviour of my own.

But the described behaviour of some men on this thread is simply not acceptable, nor would it be by any decent person.

Nancy, you sound lovely, but a bit of a pushover

NancysGarden · 07/01/2009 14:59

Touche. Maybe I am!

AnyFucker · 07/01/2009 15:03

NancysGarden · 07/01/2009 15:05

But on a serious note, I have not read the whole thread so was a bit foolhardy to post so late on. I know about domestic abuse (not first hand fortunately) but through a refuge I once had links to and would never advocate sitting tight and thinking of England when a man (or woman for that matter) is physically or verbally abusive. If I can summon the assesrtive woman in me at times, any woman can!

thumbwitch · 07/01/2009 15:31

anyfucker, I am concerned you think I am one of those who excuses my DH's behaviour. I post rationally about it on here as a demonstration - believe me, he does NOT get away with it, nor do I tread lightly with him when he does behave like a teenage twat.

However, where is the benefit in telling the OP how I shout at him? Certainly none to me, that's for sure! and I doubt much to anyone else - the primary outcome is likely to be that everyone would feel sorry for my DH for having such a bossy/stroppy cow for a wife!

lessonlearned · 07/01/2009 15:50

I think women should be more respectful to men and stop thinking they are therapeautic nursemaids to them. They are not the fragile little flowers you may like them to be - we are talking about grown men arn't we?

AnyFucker · 07/01/2009 17:04

thumbwitch, from your detailed post on Monday at 14:36, my opinion would certainly say you are overthinking and overanalysing his behaviour. Too many excuses are made for bad male behaviour, just ask any abused lady who gave the benefit of the doubt too many times. However, I wasn't targeting you precisely, just what you said struck a chord with me

I have no idea if you excuse it or not and I am sure you can give as good as you get

but like someone else said shortly after, I doubt that if the bloke put as much thought and and analysis into his own actions, he would behave in the same way

why do women have to have more impulse-control and why does there seem to be this idea that it is sort of ok for men to lose their temper and be nasty, and women have find a reason for it, sometimes twattish behaviour is just that

AnyFucker · 07/01/2009 17:06

have to find

MorrisZapp · 07/01/2009 17:19

I agree with anyfucker. I find it bizarre the lengths that women (myself included) will analyse men's behaviour and do all manner of logical gymnastics to explain and excuse their crap behaviour.

Women too have jobs, problems etc and feel stressed, but we don't expect to get away with acting like arseholes. And we certainly don't expect men to analyse our silence in a way that lets us off the hook.

None of this is directed at OP btw, just a general comment.

thumbwitch · 07/01/2009 17:27

I don't think it's the case that we have to have more impulse control, I think we just do, especially where children are involved in any way.

I don't excuse DH's behaviour at all, but we are able to discuss it (quite loudly, often) and make both our povs known. There is no reason why the OP should put up with the sort of behaviour her DH exhibited - BUT if it was a one off and he can address the root cause, i.e. the drink, then I don't see that she should be thinking in terms of leaving him, which a lot of people immediately suggested. She should certainly make it clear that repeat performance is unacceptable.

There does have to be give and take on both sides to make a marriage work - using every behaviour lapse as an excuse to leave isn't going to help. If he were continuously like that, or was a crap DH or dad the rest of the time, there is more of a problem but that did not seem to be the case.

And as I said in earlier posts, I have female friends who have drink problems and for whom I have made "excuses" for as well and given them more chances, rather than dump them as friends. But I make it clear to them that I don't like them when they are that drunk and will not continue to be with them when they get in that state.

AnyFucker · 07/01/2009 18:29

tw, getting back to the OP, I agree with you

you may not have noticed, but I posted nothing until very late in the thread, and certainly was not advising anybody to leave anybody

thumbwitch · 07/01/2009 20:01

sorry anyfucker, I wasn't suggesting that you were one who had said that.
but I do think that there are times when it is acceptable to make "excuses" for someone's behaviour, if it is out of their normal range of behaviour and they are otherwise pretty good - I guess I was linking your thoughts on that to the more extreme reactions of "leave him".
Sorry.

AnyFucker · 07/01/2009 20:54

< mutual apology to thumbwitch >

I have read all this thread and your posts have been nothing but supportive and thoughtful and you sound a more tolerant person than I.

Nothing wrong with that (it makes the world go round, after all). As long as, like you say, there is not a bigger picture of him thinking he can get away with wankery in future.

thumbwitch · 07/01/2009 21:23

why thank you anyfucker!
I agree, the OP should let him know that future fuckwittery will be much less tolerated!

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