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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me, I don't know what to do.... am shaking

194 replies

fruitstick · 03/01/2009 23:41

Bit of background - I'm 7 months pregnant with DC2. DH gave up smoking on the 1st.

I've been pussy footing around him for days trying to be supportive and biting my tongue everytime he snaps at me or is horrid. Have looked after DS1 so he doesn't annoy him etc etc.

Tonight he went out to the pub with his best mate which I was fine about - in fact, quite looking forward a night in by myself after christmas sociability etc.

Anyway, he comes home at 10:30 with 3 strangers in tow (friends of his mate) all roaring drunk. I was in the kitchen in my pyjamas putting some washing on.

I am pissed off that they have ruined my even ing but make my excuses and go and have a bath. Then find that they are about to play sing star. I ask DH if they would mind not as I would like to read (well mumsnet) in bed undisturbed. He just laughs in my face and pushes past me.

I go down and ask, when he is in the kitchen, to fetch my computer. Again he just laughs at me. I fetch my computer myself and get a glass of water and head upstairs. I can't honestly remember what he said to me as I was going but I flipped and threw the glass of water at him (the water not the glass). I know I shouldn't have.

He then comes upstairs and screams at me that I have humilaited him. I don't mind that but it's just the way he spoke to me... just with utter contempt. He then threated to hit me which I have to say he has never ever done and I don't think he would but he looked like he might! He said that he hadn't done anything wrong and that I was behaving like a twat and humiliated him.

He behaves like a spoilt brat regularly when drunk and my friends always overlook it, I suggest his friends might as I'm pregnant. 'No they won't, and neither will anybody else. Nobody gives a shit, what do you want, some kind of medal.'

He then basically says that he wants to have fun with his friends which he doesn't want to do with me. I get upset, he laughs at me again and says 'is that what you want to hear, the truth hurts doesn't it.'

He is now downstairs singing with these complete strangers!

I'm in pieces and I don't know what to do. I want to just wake up DS1 and walk out but I have nowhere to go. All my friends are away.

Am desperate. I know that he won't be sorry and still say it was all my fault for throwing water over him.

Please tell me what to do.

OP posts:
goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 04/01/2009 00:44

sorry I disagree there dittany, in just the same way as me throwing (soft) things at my exH when he talked down to me and belitted me was wrong, so was the throwing the water - both could be classed as "humiliating" rather than threatening/intimidating - but both wrong and borderline abusive. In the same way that exH's belittling of me was emotionally abusive towards me. There is no excuse for such behaviour IMO, else what else can be used as an excuse/reason for abusive behaviour??? He could just as easily turn round and say that he reacted that way a) because of the drink, and b) because she threw the water.

Both the OP and her DH were wrong (him more so as he was the twat in the first place coming home drunk with friends at that time of night)

However, the OP acknowledged in her first post that she shouldn't have thrown the water.

I think what has been suggested of sleeping now, then speaking to him in the morning to make sure that he knows how stupidly and twatish he behaved, and how he made her feel (plus and apology from her for the water throwing), and ensuring he knows that she won't put up with it again then going out.

Original poster
fruitstick · 04/01/2009 00:44

Generally we have a great marriage. He's a good bloke really, a bit selfish now and again and neither of us are perfect but on the whole, things are fine.

It just feels like sometimes this whole adult responsibility thing gets too much for him and it all collapses.

OP posts:
dittany · 04/01/2009 00:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 04/01/2009 00:47

I'm not being rude/ignoring anyone - I'm off to bed - I have to be up in the morning.

Fruitstick I hope that you manage to talk to your DH in the morning and are feeling better tomorrow.

thumbwitch · 04/01/2009 00:50

hah, fruitstick, that last post really resonates strongly with me - I remember sending a very strongly worded text message to my DH when I was nearly at my EDD with DS (didn't know then I would be 2 weeks overdue) because he had gone over to his cousin's to let off some fireworks and got absolutely blitzed, and not come home until nearly 2 hours after he said he would.

Apparently I gave him the Look of Death when he walked in - I said you are too drunk to do anything, what if I had gone into labour? He said, oh that's ok, my uncle could have driven you to the hospital. I said - oh really, and he would have stayed with me through the labour while you were sleeping it off as well, would he?! He "hadn't thought of that" - ARRRGH! He didn't get drunk again until after DS was born. (and he has now given up the drink entirely after realising that he can't control his intake once he starts - no pressure from me, his own decision)

makingafamily · 04/01/2009 00:55

Fruit, if you have felt that dp will hurt you or your dc tonight then get out, but if you think he's just come home drunk, bein a bit of an ass (which is not good but also not grounds for leaving) then just talk to him tomorrow....

flaminhell · 04/01/2009 01:07

I am sorry your dp is treating you so badly, he sounds like my dp, especially when I was pregnant. I think you should go to sleep, try and rest, tackle it tomorrow, after he has slept it off, dont try when he is hung over, but dont let it lie either.

My advice would be this, if I could go back to the first time I found myself where you are now, knock it on the head NOW!!!

Tell him calmly and in no uncertain terms that this is abusive behaviour and whether or not you threw water is belittled by his reaction and what led up to it. Stand firm, and if it happens again, then I am sorry my darling but it will probably continue, and at that point you will have a big decision to make.

For now rest, and leave him be, hes drunk so not fit for any kind of reasonable discussion, stay safe, and stay calm.

Original poster
fruitstick · 04/01/2009 01:07

OK, I've written DH a letter apologising for the water throwing bit and telling him exactly what he said that upset me so much. I've told him to take some time to work out whether he meant it and that I've taken a bag, so if I don't hear from him I'll find somewhere else to stay for a while.

I'm going to sleep in DS room now and leave it for him in the morning.

Is that a plan?

OP posts:
badassmarthafocker · 04/01/2009 01:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blinks · 04/01/2009 01:15

good luck

let us know how it goes...

thumbwitch · 04/01/2009 01:16

Might be counterproductive if you are planning on leaving the house without seeing him, and just leaving the letter for him to read when he is rancidly hungover - but if it works for you then do it. it might just make him more angry and aggrieved though.

Good idea to sleep in DS's room.

Original poster
fruitstick · 04/01/2009 01:19

why would it make him more angry? What I don't want is having hours of the silent treatment whilst he makes me grovel over the water

OP posts:
freshasadaisy · 04/01/2009 01:28

Is he still downstairs with his friends?

I would just forget the letter for tonight and give it too him in the morning.

I think the water thing is no big deal but how he reacted was.

Original poster
fruitstick · 04/01/2009 01:30

yes he is,

I wasn't going o give it to him tonight, just thought i'd wrie whilst DS wasn't vying for ny attention.

Will see how I feel in the morning,

Am going to try to get some sleep now.

Thank you ladies,

OP posts:
Original poster
fruitstick · 04/01/2009 01:30

they're now on 99 red balloons

OP posts:
lessonlearned · 04/01/2009 01:36

lol, fruitstick, well done for keeping your sense of the absurd. I hope his head hurts in the morning!

thumbwitch · 04/01/2009 01:42

it might make him more angry if you just leave him a letter and leave the house with DS, effectively saying "this is the situation, call me if you want me to come back".

It depends on what type of bloke he is - if he is feeling guilty at all about this, he will be feeling pretty uncomfortable about it anyway, so to turn it away from himself, he might decide to think you have over-reacted, made a mountain out of a molehill and turned it into something it wasn't and not even given him the right to reply, just gone off and left him with an ultimatum.

I do know men like this, honest.

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 04/01/2009 07:38

Hope you managed to get some sleep fruitstick.

The letter sounds fine in principle but poss not when he is hungover and prob feeling defensive anyway.

Does he normally do the 'hours of the silent treatment whilst he makes me grovel over the water' thing? That can be construed as emotional abuse.

He was in the wrong as soon as he walked in the door drunk with strangers TO YOU. Yes it is his home but it is also YOUR home and that of your son. It is totally out of order (and dumb imho) to bring a group of drunken men back to a family home. Lads bachelor pad - fine. But he is not living in a bachelor pad because he is not a bachelor.

Original poster
fruitstick · 04/01/2009 08:01

I slept in Ds room. There was some hoo haa when he realised I had taken the spare mattress and duvet as his mate wanted to sleep on the sofa! I pretended to be asleep. DH was about to wake me up and turf me off them but his friend stopped him and went home. DH then went back downstairs and sat on his own and, presumably fell asleep.

Have spoken to him this morning and he doesn't remember any of it. He didn't come to bed until very late though and has now gone back to sleep so it's not what you would call a meaningful conversation. He looked very sorry but that could be me misinterpreting semi-consciousness.

I'm going to watch Mickey's clubhouse for a bit and see how the morning progresses. At least I won't have left without talking to him (although he probably won't remember that either).

OP posts:
blinks · 04/01/2009 10:01

i would worry more if he can't remember... someone who behaves that way when drunk shouldn't drink.

the way he has treated you is appalling.

i know if it were me, he'd be out on his arse.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 04/01/2009 10:19

He was going to wake you to get you off the spare mattress so his mate could have it?
This is beyond outrageous. Coming in late, pissed, speaking to you like he did, threatening you, keeping you awake, it's just...he seems to have zero respect for you. I don't know what I'd do in your situation.

lalalonglegs · 04/01/2009 10:33

IMO, saying "I can't remember because I was drunk" is just an opt-out position. Even if it is true, it means he doesn't have to apologise or take responsibility for anything he has said or done. Can almost turn it into a joke.

GypsyMoth · 04/01/2009 11:12

make him read this thread!!! then see what his reaction is!!

LucyEllensmummy · 04/01/2009 11:18

This thread just makes me incredibly sad. You have a small son and he still thinks it is OK to come home from the pub pissed up, mates in tow and act like a teenager?

He needs to grow up!

The water throwing was silly, i have done it in the past (i wasn't well though) and i regretted it the instant i did it. DP was SO angry with me and nearly left, but he never threatened me or anything like that. Its not somehing id recommend.

He behaved terribly and should be deeply ashamed of himself. I think the pair of you have alot of talking to do. His drunkeness is NO excuse, well maybe a "reason" but he shouldnt have been in that state in the first place - he has responsibilities fgs, saying you had been taken ill or your DS.

Fleurlechaunte · 04/01/2009 11:31

You are pregnant, you are quietly in the house about to go to sleep and then your dh comes home drunk with 3 other drunks and forcibly and selfishly starts to control the environment late at night creating immense stress. I too would be extremely pissed off.

Yes you shouldnt have thrown the water but I don't really think that is a big deal actually compared to what HE had already done with his selfish behaviour. I defy anyone not to have reacted. You didnt throw the glass ffs.

I don't think it is a splitting up offense but definitely a discussion point for how you want things to be in YOUR OWN HOME. IE no smelly, shouty, horrible drunks staggering around singing in your home where you and your children live. It is selfish, disgusting behaviour and I do not think for one minute that you need to be side tracked by the water throwing. You did one thing in reaction, he had already done many selfish, unacceptable things. Believe me I have been here and I know how you feel. He frightened and threatened his pregnant wife, THAT is the issue not a glass of water.