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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me, I don't know what to do.... am shaking

194 replies

fruitstick · 03/01/2009 23:41

Bit of background - I'm 7 months pregnant with DC2. DH gave up smoking on the 1st.

I've been pussy footing around him for days trying to be supportive and biting my tongue everytime he snaps at me or is horrid. Have looked after DS1 so he doesn't annoy him etc etc.

Tonight he went out to the pub with his best mate which I was fine about - in fact, quite looking forward a night in by myself after christmas sociability etc.

Anyway, he comes home at 10:30 with 3 strangers in tow (friends of his mate) all roaring drunk. I was in the kitchen in my pyjamas putting some washing on.

I am pissed off that they have ruined my even ing but make my excuses and go and have a bath. Then find that they are about to play sing star. I ask DH if they would mind not as I would like to read (well mumsnet) in bed undisturbed. He just laughs in my face and pushes past me.

I go down and ask, when he is in the kitchen, to fetch my computer. Again he just laughs at me. I fetch my computer myself and get a glass of water and head upstairs. I can't honestly remember what he said to me as I was going but I flipped and threw the glass of water at him (the water not the glass). I know I shouldn't have.

He then comes upstairs and screams at me that I have humilaited him. I don't mind that but it's just the way he spoke to me... just with utter contempt. He then threated to hit me which I have to say he has never ever done and I don't think he would but he looked like he might! He said that he hadn't done anything wrong and that I was behaving like a twat and humiliated him.

He behaves like a spoilt brat regularly when drunk and my friends always overlook it, I suggest his friends might as I'm pregnant. 'No they won't, and neither will anybody else. Nobody gives a shit, what do you want, some kind of medal.'

He then basically says that he wants to have fun with his friends which he doesn't want to do with me. I get upset, he laughs at me again and says 'is that what you want to hear, the truth hurts doesn't it.'

He is now downstairs singing with these complete strangers!

I'm in pieces and I don't know what to do. I want to just wake up DS1 and walk out but I have nowhere to go. All my friends are away.

Am desperate. I know that he won't be sorry and still say it was all my fault for throwing water over him.

Please tell me what to do.

OP posts:
StayFrosty · 04/01/2009 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

leoleosuperstar · 04/01/2009 00:20

I think fruitstick needs to be careful a pattern doesn't develop.
Good plan to sleep in with dc and the go out for day tomorrow and leave him to think about it and go from there.
He can get up next day or the whole of next weekend.
Good luck.

blinks · 04/01/2009 00:23

i'm not suggesting she has a sensible conversation with anyone but i know how following a scene like that- once you get over the initial shock, it's very tempting to start thinking things like- 'oh well- he's never done it before so he must just be drunk/tired/under stress etc'. you start talking yourself out of taking action... that's the reason so many women put up with abuse- the boundaries shift every time it happens until you're eventually tolerating behaviour you wouldn't have in the early stages of the relationship.

Carmenere · 04/01/2009 00:23

He sounds young, drunk and stupid. Not the type I am attracted to but not necessarily an abuser. Sleep on it, tell him tommorow that you are sorry for throwing the water (also a juvenile and stupid thing to do imo) but if he tries that kind of stupid,pushy behaviour again you will leave. You don't have to put up with that type of behaviour and you shouldn't.

dittany · 04/01/2009 00:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

resolutions · 04/01/2009 00:25

do agree you shouldn't have to look after dc so dh doesn't get annoyed,it will be more stressful after dc2 born much busier with 2 dcs.
also he is disrespecting you and that could get worse,and is not nice for dcs to see

MichaelaS · 04/01/2009 00:25

glad you're feeling better fruitstick.

i think your idea of sleeping on the futon is a good one - and leaving the house tomorrow for a while too. Tomorrow, or once there is a good time you can both talk, I would have a calm conversation explaining what he said and did, and how it made you feel. I'd suggest that if anything like that happened again he would be jeopardising his marriage.

fyi my other half is lovely most of the time, but we do tend to drink a fair bit. now i'm pregnant and not drinking i notice how bad he can get, and we've had a few situations where I have been seriously annoyed with him. A conversation in the morning to explain (or remind him) what happened has usually sorted it out, and resulted in profuse apologies.

I'm sure it'll seem a lot better in the morning.

Good luck!

Carmenere · 04/01/2009 00:26

Sorry I missed that he was in his 30's, he is a bit sad in that case. But yes, don't allow this kind of crap in your life.

BlackEyedDogstar · 04/01/2009 00:27

FWiW I don't blame you for chucking the water at him. He was drunk, accompanied by his pissed stranger/friends and laughing at you. What further provacation does a 7 month pregnant ladee need?

I hope you feel better soon and have a nice sleep. He is acting like an arse.

makingafamily · 04/01/2009 00:27

I would say go to bed and get a good nights sleep and talk it through with dh in the morning

D x

goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 04/01/2009 00:28

I do think you should also apologise for throwing the water, sorry I know I keep harping on about it, but if he'd thrown the water at you we'd all be saying the same things as we're saying about him intimidating you.

makingafamily · 04/01/2009 00:30

But i should say, when you speak to him in morning, make sure you tell him what a drunken twat he was and how you will NOT tolerate that again.....

dittany · 04/01/2009 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

makingafamily · 04/01/2009 00:31

I agree with Gold, your asking him to aologise so you need to say sorry for the water...

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 04/01/2009 00:31

I threw a glass of water over DH in bed one night . He had been out on a boys night and came back fairly drunk and collapsed into bed and snored like a pig. I asked him to turn over a few times and he was horrible so I threw the water over him. My parents were staying too so there was no spare room and I had to try to sleep in with DS then!

Have also thrown things on other occasions. Am a bit calmer these days!

goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 04/01/2009 00:32

oh yes he definitely needs to know what a drunked wanker he was - don't disagree with that at all - just don't use it as an excuse for throwing water at him

I speak as someone who occasionally threw pillows/clothes/anything soft I could get my hands on at my exH when he was talking down to me - there was no excuse for me throwing those things at him.

goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 04/01/2009 00:33

do dittany if the op had come started this thread saying

my DH threw a glass of water at me (the water obvously not the actual glass) you'd be fine with that?

thumbwitch · 04/01/2009 00:33

the man is an arse when drink is on board, that is obvious. Is he like that when he is sober? If so, then work towards deciding if you really want to stay with such an arse.

I would for tonight try and keep him out of your bedroom. If their singing awakes your DS, I would take him downstairs and see if it has any sort of responsibility wake-up call on your H. Otherwise, try and ignore it and say nothing until he has sobered up. He is not going to be in any state to listen to reason tonight.

Have you any rescue remedy? Works wonders for the shakes; if not, something sweet will help.

Original poster
fruitstick · 04/01/2009 00:33

I will apologise for the water throwing but I'm not sure about the rest of it. I think I've always believed that people tell the truth when they're drunk, no matter how sorry they are the next day.

I'm not sure how I will get past that.

OP posts:
ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 04/01/2009 00:35

That is hard to get past fruitstick. All you can do is talk it through calmly when he is sober and tell him how he made you feel.

dittany · 04/01/2009 00:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 04/01/2009 00:37

It sounds to me like you are more pissed off than scared, fruitstick, am I right? My DH hardly gets outrageously drunk from one year to the next, but when he does (like NYE!), things between us can get pretty ugly. If it makes you feel better, he was out-of-character nasty to me then, and I threw a teaspoon (??!) at him. We did manage to sirt it out in the morning, although he was made to do a lot of grovelling. I think things can sound worse on here than they are sometimes. I hope you make him pay in the morning- and make sure he DOES get up in the morning, hangover and all.

So long as it's something that is completely out of character for him. All the best.

makingafamily · 04/01/2009 00:37

Fruit, he's being an ass tonight, there is no doubt about that. But how is your relationship in general?

blinks · 04/01/2009 00:40

i couldn't get past it, fruitstick.

i find it pretty shocking that's he's not even come up to check you're ok.

we all have moments where we lose it a bit. i have lobbed a good few things across the room in my time but this is quite different.

you shouldn't have to explain how his behaviour made you feel etc etc. if he can't imagine or empathise without instructions, then he's not worth bothering about.

thumbwitch · 04/01/2009 00:42

Fruitstick I don't believe that they tell the exact truth when drunk - I have a friend who is a very verbally aggressive drunk and she used to come out with some right old shite when she was drunk, stuff that horrified her when she heard it back.

The thing about being in that state is that all filters are off, so people say the first thing that comes into their head, regardless of whether or not it is true IN REALITY - it might be true for them AT THAT MOMENT, but that doesn't make it true in normal life. Or they might just be feeling overly aggressive and want to hurt you, and your DH is going to know the best way to do that - when not paralytic, he might have used his social filters NOT to say it, but since they have been melted by alcohol, he has just said it.

Please, don't mull too much over his drunken rantings - wait until you have spoken to him sober (and not hungover if you want a decent set of responses). If he stands by his words then, you have a sound basis to leave him, if that's what you want.

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