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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me, I don't know what to do.... am shaking

194 replies

fruitstick · 03/01/2009 23:41

Bit of background - I'm 7 months pregnant with DC2. DH gave up smoking on the 1st.

I've been pussy footing around him for days trying to be supportive and biting my tongue everytime he snaps at me or is horrid. Have looked after DS1 so he doesn't annoy him etc etc.

Tonight he went out to the pub with his best mate which I was fine about - in fact, quite looking forward a night in by myself after christmas sociability etc.

Anyway, he comes home at 10:30 with 3 strangers in tow (friends of his mate) all roaring drunk. I was in the kitchen in my pyjamas putting some washing on.

I am pissed off that they have ruined my even ing but make my excuses and go and have a bath. Then find that they are about to play sing star. I ask DH if they would mind not as I would like to read (well mumsnet) in bed undisturbed. He just laughs in my face and pushes past me.

I go down and ask, when he is in the kitchen, to fetch my computer. Again he just laughs at me. I fetch my computer myself and get a glass of water and head upstairs. I can't honestly remember what he said to me as I was going but I flipped and threw the glass of water at him (the water not the glass). I know I shouldn't have.

He then comes upstairs and screams at me that I have humilaited him. I don't mind that but it's just the way he spoke to me... just with utter contempt. He then threated to hit me which I have to say he has never ever done and I don't think he would but he looked like he might! He said that he hadn't done anything wrong and that I was behaving like a twat and humiliated him.

He behaves like a spoilt brat regularly when drunk and my friends always overlook it, I suggest his friends might as I'm pregnant. 'No they won't, and neither will anybody else. Nobody gives a shit, what do you want, some kind of medal.'

He then basically says that he wants to have fun with his friends which he doesn't want to do with me. I get upset, he laughs at me again and says 'is that what you want to hear, the truth hurts doesn't it.'

He is now downstairs singing with these complete strangers!

I'm in pieces and I don't know what to do. I want to just wake up DS1 and walk out but I have nowhere to go. All my friends are away.

Am desperate. I know that he won't be sorry and still say it was all my fault for throwing water over him.

Please tell me what to do.

OP posts:

goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 04/01/2009 00:04

I think you both need to talk in the morning, you about the water throwing (I know you've said you shouldn't do it, but you did) and him about his reaction and what he said.

Original poster

fruitstick · 04/01/2009 00:05

I'm sure he will just come to bed when everyone decides to call it a day.

OP posts:

resolutions · 04/01/2009 00:05

do you have mobile in with you
if you could be in danger put your phone no or address on line if you want any help from mn,
has he threatened to hit you before,and does he have any history of other violence?

leoleosuperstar · 04/01/2009 00:05

What he has said has been to just continue having a good time. I would guess that in some way he thinks if you just stay upstairs angry with him you'll leave him alone.
Can you put your dc in bed with you and make it obviuos in some way that he is not sleeping with you tonight such as putting a duvet on the lading for him to use on the sofa?

Original poster

fruitstick · 04/01/2009 00:06

I don't have my mobile with me, that's downstairs too but I really don't think I'm in any danger, just my marriage!

OP posts:

dittany · 04/01/2009 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

leoleosuperstar · 04/01/2009 00:07

My SIL has to regularly deal with this with her dh bringing all his mates back for a 'party'.

resolutions · 04/01/2009 00:08

ok,that's good
he should be looking after you tho

lessonlearned · 04/01/2009 00:08

I agree with dippydino. If you can leave the lunatics to their asylum and keep yourself and kids out of the nonsense then do nothing for the time being.
My guess is there will be shamedfaces all round in the morning but there is no mileage in adding to the drama if you can avoid it at the moment.

blinks · 04/01/2009 00:09

hmmm i know you're pregnant and have a child together so would find it hard to be objective BUT the behaviour you've described (and yours too with the water throwing) indicates an abusive situation.

you may not be having a violent relationship but i would call it low level abuse.

disrespect, name calling, physical aggression, belligerence and alcohol issues point towards an unhealthy situation that needs to be addressed in an honest way asap before it escalates.

i've given up smoking, as has my DP and neither of us had license to be 'vile' because of it.

don't make excuses.

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 04/01/2009 00:09

What a twat. And the 'friends' sound just as bad. How old is he? 15? Bringing people back to play Singstar is juvenile. Esp when he is a father of one and about to become a father again.

If my DH did that to me I would not only throw the water - I would tell the 'friends' to leave.

leoleosuperstar · 04/01/2009 00:10

It sounds like he is acting up in front of his mates. Suprised that they have stayed for so long after hearing this.

Have things been bad before giving up smoking?
Why is he giving up?

leoleosuperstar · 04/01/2009 00:11

How old is he out of pure interest?

Are you feeling calmer now?

Original poster

fruitstick · 04/01/2009 00:11

Oh blinks you make it sound awful! Honestly, most of the time we're really happy and the water throwing incident is completely out of character.

I'm not making excuses but I'm so upset because it is all so out of the blue.

OP posts:

blinks · 04/01/2009 00:12

and i too would be extremely anxious about a partner who brings back drunk strangers, unannounced to my house, esp with pregnant woman and small child.

very selfish, immature and thoughtless.

by pandering, pussy footing around and accepting such behaviour- you're encouraging more of the same.

pinkteddy · 04/01/2009 00:13

agree with what blinks said.

leoleosuperstar · 04/01/2009 00:14

Think you have to be careful you do not allow this to escalate and he MUST know some how that this is to never happen again.

I think sometimes once a line has been crossed it sets a 'standard' for future behaviour.

Original poster

fruitstick · 04/01/2009 00:14

Oh we're in our 30s so he really is old enough to know better.

his best friend is the kind of person who likes to stir things though. He's single and always likes to cause trouble when he's drunk (honestly, why I allow them out together is a mystery to me). He is more likely to be mortified in the morning but is certainly not the type to volunteer to leave.

I am feeling a little calmer now. I have to say mumsnet really is a godsend in such situations.

OP posts:

dittany · 04/01/2009 00:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

fruitstick · 04/01/2009 00:15

I think I might get the futon and sleep in DS room tonight, and then head out early in the morning. At least he will know then that it's serious.

Annoying though as it was DHs turn to get up tomorrow!

OP posts:

WalkingInAWonderStuffingLand · 04/01/2009 00:16

fruitstick it is pretty awful. My dh came in like this I would chuck them all out, he would be very apologetic in the morning, he has never , even when giving up smoking been aggressive towards me, and while you are so pg too. Very Serious Chat needed in the morning.

blinks · 04/01/2009 00:16

i'm not trying to make you look awful- i don't know him OR you.

i'm just offering an opinion based on my experiences.

it is upsetting but it would be worse to brush this under the carpet. i can guarantee this will happen again if it's not addressed.

deckthehallswithINZIsholly · 04/01/2009 00:16

You dont need this stress at 7 months pregnant, he is an ARSE for sitting down there singing with strangers. Can you lock your door? bring your DS in your room and lock the door. I would hate to scare you but how drunk is your DH....as long as he isnt going to fall asleep while these strangers are there. I would go mad. Yes you were wrong to throw the water, but you acknowledged that, I think its far worse to threaten to hit a pregnant women. So sorry your going through this please try not to get to upset, think about your little baby. If there is any way to lock you and DS in your room and snuggle up and fall asleep, I would try that. I would just be sitting in bed seething at him!!!

goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 04/01/2009 00:16

if you want my honest opinion (as you do sound as if you've calmed down a little).

I think you were both wrong (think you know that too). If you had said somethng he didn't like and he threw the water at you we would all be saying "no excuse" (or words to that effect). If you had then responded in a torrent of abuse (I as probably would have ) then that would also be wrong. This is the reverse situation.

Of course him bringing back "mates" at this time of night and expecting to play a (what I presume is rather noisy) game/kareoke thing is also unacceptable.

I think you need to try and get some sleep now, and in the morning you both need to sit down and talk.

lessonlearned · 04/01/2009 00:16

Blinks, I don't think she is doing any of those things. I just think that this is not the time to have a sensible conversation.

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