Help me, I don't know what to do.... am shaking

[fruitstick]

Bit of background - I'm 7 months pregnant with DC2. DH gave up smoking on the 1st.

I've been pussy footing around him for days trying to be supportive and biting my tongue everytime he snaps at me or is horrid. Have looked after DS1 so he doesn't annoy him etc etc.

Tonight he went out to the pub with his best mate which I was fine about - in fact, quite looking forward a night in by myself after christmas sociability etc.

Anyway, he comes home at 10:30 with 3 strangers in tow (friends of his mate) all roaring drunk. I was in the kitchen in my pyjamas putting some washing on.

I am pissed off that they have ruined my even ing but make my excuses and go and have a bath. Then find that they are about to play sing star. I ask DH if they would mind not as I would like to read (well mumsnet) in bed undisturbed. He just laughs in my face and pushes past me.

I go down and ask, when he is in the kitchen, to fetch my computer. Again he just laughs at me. I fetch my computer myself and get a glass of water and head upstairs. I can't honestly remember what he said to me as I was going but I flipped and threw the glass of water at him (the water not the glass). I know I shouldn't have.

He then comes upstairs and screams at me that I have humilaited him. I don't mind that but it's just the way he spoke to me... just with utter contempt. He then threated to hit me which I have to say he has never ever done and I don't think he would but he looked like he might! He said that he hadn't done anything wrong and that I was behaving like a twat and humiliated him.

He behaves like a spoilt brat regularly when drunk and my friends always overlook it, I suggest his friends might as I'm pregnant. 'No they won't, and neither will anybody else. Nobody gives a shit, what do you want, some kind of medal.'

He then basically says that he wants to have fun with his friends which he doesn't want to do with me. I get upset, he laughs at me again and says 'is that what you want to hear, the truth hurts doesn't it.'

He is now downstairs singing with these complete strangers!

I'm in pieces and I don't know what to do. I want to just wake up DS1 and walk out but I have nowhere to go. All my friends are away.

Am desperate. I know that he won't be sorry and still say it was all my fault for throwing water over him.

Please tell me what to do.

actually thinking about it if my dh brought two people i'd never met before home at night - and drunk too - with my dcs in the house i wouldn't let them in.

the drunk thing is annoying, bringing strangers into your home late at night is insensitive/thoughtless/irresponsible, almost turfing you out of your bed for the nigh for the sake of a drunken mate is nasty, BUT threatening to hit you??!!

That is the bit that sticks in my head throughout all of this. Whether he was drunk or not, that is going to take a lot of bridge building and effort on his behalf to help you forgive and forget. Being sheepish and saying he remembers nothing is not a sensible way forward. In your shoes, I would give him his chance to pull himself together and deal with it properly. If he made no effort, once DC1 was in bed, I would be sitting him down and getting tough. You bury this now and it could well happen again, fester away at your trust in him and come up mid argument at a later date. Much better deal with this now when both are calm and sober.

So sorry you had such a crap night xx

It's the contempt he shows you that bothers me. He's acting as though you're The Wife Who Spoils My Fun, the Ball And Chain etc and 'rebelling' against you by bringing home drunks and acting like an arsehole. You are going to have to address it with him or it will get worse. Sorry this is happening and best of luck with getting him to see sense.

I'm glad you're ok this am but hate that he nearly turfed you out of your bed!
If his friend hadn't backed down,and you had refused what do you think might have happened?
He is not a child,you are not responsible for his moods to placate him etc
There must be something wrong in his personality,upbringing or attitude to threaten you with violence and bully you so.
Losing his temper cos he felt embarassed is understandable,but not to go as far as the threat of violence and this threat could crop up again in 6mos,1yr,when you least expect it.

or with the children

i would insist that he gets some nicotine patches or gum. me and dp have both given up and the withdrawal really can make you quite aggressive - obviously that doesn't excuse this kind of behaviour directed at partners or kids, but to my mind it does go some way towards explaining it (i.e. you were saying this had all come out of the blue). that and suitable contrition and i would probably call bygones bygones.

But he threatened to hit his pregnant wife!!! Plus so far he has shown no remorse whatsoever, falling back on the old 'I was drunk and can't remember' excuse. IMHO he is a bullying pathetic little prick with a total inability to accept responsibility for his own actions. Sorry, fruit, I know that's not constructive but I feel so angry and indignant for you. I really hope you're OK. Whatever you decide to do please always remember that it is never OK for someone to belittle you in that way. I know, I know, she threw the water. I think I'd have thrown the glass too if DH had turned up late at night to have a lads' party - that's the behaviour of a teenager, not a father in his 30s. And loud singing whilst DC in bed? Ridiculous! Fruit, I sincerely hope you can resolve this in a way that you feel comfortable with but if he ever threatens to hit you again - or, heaven forbid, actually does it, please please leave. You are pregnant with his child deserve to be loved, respected and looked after by him, not treated like this.

fruitstick, I do think you should consider getting him to read this thread when he is not hungover, especially if he continues to claim he can't remember any of it.

I have to apologise for some potential ambiguity in my last post - when I said I know men like this, I mean men who would react like I described, not necessarily your DH.

I too am outraged that he would even consider throwing his 7m pg wife off a mattress to accommodate his friend - thank goodness the friend had more sense!

I hope he is thoroughly ashamed of his actions, and in your place I would possibly wait to see if he remembers the water throwing before apologising for it!! In other words, if he remembers that, he should remember the things that led to it; if he can't remember his behaviour, he shouldn't be able to remember yours!

I agree that he behaved deplorably.
i also agree that he needs to feel remorse for what happened or else he is likely to continue with such behaviour.

But he was very drunk. unless he usually behaves like this i think you can mark this down to too much drink and a build up of agression due to nicotine withdrawel.

its all too easy to scream leave.
its never that simple and we shouldn't be making anyone feel guilty for not following the advice given.

would like to emphasise suitable contrition in my post twinmam.

i get the impression from op's posts that this really is a one-off in an otherwise good relationship. ime these kinds of threads usually turn up pretty quickly any repeated pattern of abusive behaviour. to my mind what matters now is what is going to happen in future to ensure nothing of this kind recurs.

thumbwitch,good point aboutnot mentioning the water until he does

I think that the fact that this happened at all speaks volumes about this man. I simply can't imagine a truly decent man behaving like this, no matter what the excuses (giving up fags, being drunk - they're not great excuses anyway, are they?)

Sorry, but he sounds nasty to me.

I know, I know - it is just so horrid. Poor Fruit. I agree it is far more complex than just leaving and none of us can really know the ins and outs of someone else's situation. I certainly wouldn't want you to feel guilty for not following the advice given. I also sincerely hope that there is a way for you to resolve this. However, I also imagine that you're feeling very low and vulnerable at the moment and I hope that you don't end up feeling you somehow deserved this behaviour.

How are you/things now?

fruitstick, what's the outcome of the day? Is everything all right, have you sorted out your DH? please let us know you are ok.

surely he is jsut drunk?
why did you throw water?

why dont you get some sleep, turn off the computer.

just saw it was last night the whole sorry story was posted.

fruitstick are you ok ?

My dh is the most wonderful h, and a great father. We have a great marriage, I am loved and respected and a couple of times in the 12 years we've been together I've experienced similar behaviour from him to what happened with the OP's dh. It's always been when he's been completely plastered and is very out of character, the next morning he either can't remember or it's very hazy. I hate it, but I wouldn't end my marriage because of it. He has been very remorseful when I've told him what happened. We've talked about it a lot and we both know what the underlying issues are and as the years go by we have tried to talk more and not let things get bottled up. I am not a downtrodden wife.

What I'm trying to say is that yes, a man who hits his wife pregnant or not is out of order and I wouldn't stay if that happened. However, we are all human and we all make very very stupid mistakes, if it is out of character - give him a break. Oh and talk.

over 20 years my dh has been like that more times than i care to admit.

i recently took the stance that if he can't remember - which i think is complete and utter wank btw, then he shouldn't get that drunk in the first place - if he cared about me.

hi fruit, any update? hope you're ok.

Sorry, couldn't get online yesterday.

I didn't leave and he was very sorry when he woke up but he genuinely couldn't remember what for! I told him I wasn't prepared to discuss it in front of DS so it would wait until the evening. He took DS out to his friend's in the afternoon so I could get some sleep.

I don't think he remembered the water throwing at all as he didn't mention it all day but I think his mate must have told him because he brought it up later (although didn't seem to be confidant of what he was saying).

He accepts that he is completely out of order and did seem genuinely remorseful. He has also agreed that he can't drink and needs to do something about it. It's not the amount he drinks that is a problem I think, more what he becomes when he does drink that amount. He has agreed not to drink at all until the baby is born (only 6 weeks I know but it's a start).

I tried to get him to talk about why he says the things he says when he's drunk and he says he has no idea because he doesn't mean any of them. I'm not so sure. Not that he means them but that there isn't a reason for them.

He seems often to really struggle with the idea of being a grown up and having responsibilities. His job is target orientated and quite stressful. We are in the process of moving house to a completely new area and I have just started my maternity leave which means we are financially reliant on him for a while. Also, his mum died at this time of year when I was heavily pregnant with DS1 which I think has brought back lots of those feelings. I think this, coupled with a night out with his best friend (who has never had a successful relationship in his life and very much still lives like he's 24) and lots of other single people exacerbated things.

That's not to say I'm excusing his behaviour at all. In fact, it really pisses me off that I have all the same stresses as him (house, money, his job security etc) plus am pregnant and am knackered and I would never take it out on him like that, nor would he tolerate it if I did. I just take a deep breath and get on with it.

So in short, we are in the process of sorting things out and he is well aware of the seriousness of what he has done. I'm not feeling great about the whole thing but hopefully we can sort it out.

Thank you so much for all your support, I honestly don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had eveyone on hand on Saturday night. Mumsnet is a godsend.

We're all rooting for you Fruitstick - I really hope you're on the path to sorting this out

hi there fruit,glad things have settled down and you've talked etc.Have just read your op again and i thought,yes he had been drinkingbut, hemade life more difficult for you and did the drink reveal a nasty side that is in there somewhere?I suppose that depends on if he ever treats you like that when he's not been drinking.
Why do we make excuses for our men as if they are children,or aren't as capable as uswhen they behave badly under stress?
I think unless someone actually has a mental health problem like depressionetc they should be held to account like we would hold ourselves to account.I know i've excused things in my dh i would not excuse in myself,and a warning,as the stresses get more, with more dcs etc,it gets worse,and the times you need your dh's help,even if it's once in a blue moon,he might still be too self obsessed to help you out.
but all the best and take care