Help me, I don't know what to do.... am shaking

[fruitstick]

Bit of background - I'm 7 months pregnant with DC2. DH gave up smoking on the 1st.

I've been pussy footing around him for days trying to be supportive and biting my tongue everytime he snaps at me or is horrid. Have looked after DS1 so he doesn't annoy him etc etc.

Tonight he went out to the pub with his best mate which I was fine about - in fact, quite looking forward a night in by myself after christmas sociability etc.

Anyway, he comes home at 10:30 with 3 strangers in tow (friends of his mate) all roaring drunk. I was in the kitchen in my pyjamas putting some washing on.

I am pissed off that they have ruined my even ing but make my excuses and go and have a bath. Then find that they are about to play sing star. I ask DH if they would mind not as I would like to read (well mumsnet) in bed undisturbed. He just laughs in my face and pushes past me.

I go down and ask, when he is in the kitchen, to fetch my computer. Again he just laughs at me. I fetch my computer myself and get a glass of water and head upstairs. I can't honestly remember what he said to me as I was going but I flipped and threw the glass of water at him (the water not the glass). I know I shouldn't have.

He then comes upstairs and screams at me that I have humilaited him. I don't mind that but it's just the way he spoke to me... just with utter contempt. He then threated to hit me which I have to say he has never ever done and I don't think he would but he looked like he might! He said that he hadn't done anything wrong and that I was behaving like a twat and humiliated him.

He behaves like a spoilt brat regularly when drunk and my friends always overlook it, I suggest his friends might as I'm pregnant. 'No they won't, and neither will anybody else. Nobody gives a shit, what do you want, some kind of medal.'

He then basically says that he wants to have fun with his friends which he doesn't want to do with me. I get upset, he laughs at me again and says 'is that what you want to hear, the truth hurts doesn't it.'

He is now downstairs singing with these complete strangers!

I'm in pieces and I don't know what to do. I want to just wake up DS1 and walk out but I have nowhere to go. All my friends are away.

Am desperate. I know that he won't be sorry and still say it was all my fault for throwing water over him.

Please tell me what to do.

His job is quite stressful.

You are in the process of moving house, to a new area.

You have just started my maternity leave. Leaving the financial burden at his door, at a time when things aren't looking that rosy for anyone.

His mum died at this time of year when you were heavily pregnant with dc1.

He has quit smoking, a few days ago.

To think that people here suggested you leave him....what an over reaction!

You know, I can see clearly why he is stressed & why he is regressing back to a 20 something single lad by getting drunk & having the lads back.

He has a lot resting on him & yes, I know you do too, but men deal with things differently. It isn't 'man' to discuss your grief, to admit that you are missing your mum, or your fears of leaving everything you know to start again, or admit that you aren't dealing with not smoking, or are worried that the financial burden is all yours. Or the worry you might have about going from 1 to 2 children.

You can talk to friends, come here etc...but he has to hold it all in!

I am not making excuses for him, but all that new info it sheds a whole new light on the incident, imo.

He threatened to get physical after you got physical, not big, not clever, from either side...but that's his male ego...'you can throw water at me, but I can hit you'. Again, not excusing it.

I would say tho, that if he cannot remember the night before, after he has been drinking that he needs to address that quick smart!

And you never know, without the water incident, he might have sung one or 2 songs, felt rotten & told them all to piss off!

sandcastles- OP didn't tell anyone about the move, his mum or the job situation so people were advising based on this incident alone.

criticising people trying to help is a bit knobbish.

fruitstick none of those 'reasons' excuse his behaviour...but if he follows through with the no drinking and behaves more maturely, he deserves another chance.

resolutions makes a good point about excusing behaviour in others that you wouldn't in yourself (or your partner maybe wouldn't) so be careful not to lose sight of what is acceptable behaviour and don't compromise on that. you deserve better. hopefully he knows that...

Actually blinks, that was kinda my point...although I agree that I haven't worded it as such.

What I meant & should have written better, is that because she withheld [vital, imo] info, the first reaction by most of the posters was to leave. Quite rightly. But considering the new info, this was an over reaction, one that could have been avoided.

I wasn't critising people helping her, not at all....rather I guess critising her for keeping back info that could have helped people advise her better.

Make sense?

. are you his sister or something sandcastles. The "extra info" doesn't change my advice one iota. And why shouldn't the stress of going down to one salary and moving house be a good excuse for OP to be throwing the water... I'm a bit cross at the insinuation that the OP has deliberately misled us.

sandcastles, I don't think anyone was being unreasonable or overreacting, even though I didn't explain everything about our situation.

The great thing about forums like this is you can get opinions from people without the preconceptions or assumptions you get from your friends or family.

Blinks comments shocked me over the weekend because they were so not how I see my marriage or my husband, and I certainly wasn't go to leave him on her say so! But I think it's important to have a different perspective, even it is just to discount it, because it is too easy to have things excused or explained away.

It does piss me off that men deal with stress differently and we do excuse them as we would our children. About 6 months after my mother died my husband went on a stag weekend, got very very drunk and took his wedding ring off in a nightclub (and promptly lost it!). There was absolutely no danger of him having a one night stand or even talking to a woman he didn't know but, after much discussion, he confessed that he was finding it so hard dealing with my grief that he needed to feel not married for a while!! It wasn't a good point in our marriage!

I love my husband very much but solid gold summed it up with the Ball and Chain references. This has been a recurring theme (without the threatening behaviour) especially when his mate is involved. I think he's quite happy with our life but it seems as if sometimes he thinks he is supposed to feel like I am a burden, as if that's the point of it. It's true that without the water he might have got fed up but I doubt it, he was set on antagonising me from the moment he walked in. My being happy (in fact encouraging) him to go to the pub seemed to spoil it for them somehow.

This is annoying but it on top of that means that he becomes disproportionately stressed by the whole breadwinner thing. It was as if he saw Bernard Manning video at an impressionable age which he suddenly remembers when he's been drinking.

I realise I am not painting him in a very good light and I don't mean to. Most of the time he is a great husband and father and I do love him very much... he just has some funny ideas about things which need to be addressed.

His education continues and it makes me very determined to bring my son up to deal with stress differently!

Erm, no...not his sister! Why would I have to be his sister just because I feel that people judged him too harshly based on what was limited information into his state of mind?

Where did I say she deliberately mislead you all? She did keep info back, on purpose or not, I don't know...

But keeping that info back lead to people over reacting, imo!

sandcastles I do take objection to the notion that I deliberately misled you. I was upset and frightened and really wasn't of a mind to sit and think about what factors would contribute to his behaviour.

And the implication is that his worries (which are issues with our situation but not with me) is somehow a justification for taking those stresses out on me with personal (albeit not physical) attacks.

Ok, so you didn't mislead people on purpose...but I didn't insinuate that you did.

And NO, I never said it was justification at all, I said that it was no excuse...

I hope when you are both old and grey and well past partying, fruit, that you will look back and laugh at lifes rich tapestry.
Keep thinking about 99red balloons, and throw in the odd impersonation now and again.

the "new info" makes no difference anyway
fruitstick had already said she was pg with 2nd dc,and at 7 mos imminent maternity leave obvious so,stress already known about

????? She is about to put financial burden on her DH by taking maternity leave????? What would you have her do then - pop the baby out in her lunch break? FFS

I don't give a fuck how stressed he is, he shouldnt be going to the pub with his mates and leaving his wife at home, pregnant and with a young child at home too - he needs to grow up!! I never said she should leave him, but he has to take a look at himself, no amount of stress excuses his behaviour.

Stress causes big flare ups, i know because my DP is under stress, and we have flare ups, he certainly doesnt fuck off down the pub with his mates and come back and play like a teenager - its pathetic.

r u speaking to me?

Agreed, wholeheartedly! And don't think you misled us at all, fruitstick. Hope you're some way to feeling a bit more settled and happier today.

Meant I agreed with lucyellensmummy re the immature and not excusable behaviour btw

resolutions - I read LEM's post as response to sandcastles' sympathies for fruitstick's husband...... Agree it is easy to jump on him and that it is difficult for any of us to truly understand what goes on in someone else's manner BUT he threatened to hit her and regardless of how much stress he was under that, and his other behaviour, was totally inexcusable. That said, it sounds like fruit is a pretty switched on lady who is dealing very well with a very difficult situation. Good luck to you fruitstick

yes i get it now duh!!
I meant the same, that when we gave advice it was understood there was some stress already,but this is not an excuse for bullying behaviour esp towards pg woman.
dom violence often begins during pregnancies which is sad and weird.

Absolutely, res - it didn't seem at all like you were excusing it. The increase in dom violence during pregnancy is truly scary and v hard to understand. I guess it's a time of increased stress for both partners(NOT excusing it - wouldn't ever). Oh btw I meant we can't understand what goes on in someone else's marriage - not manner. Brain clearly not working today!

how are you feeling today fruitstick?

i haven't read all the posts but briefly skipped so sorry if I have gone over what you've already said

i dont condone your dh's behaviour, however, sometimes people dont know how to handle stress -especially men. They either bottle it up, get moody or act out - go out drinking etc etc. I think to women who talk about their problems, that's a truly immature way of dealing with it.

Sometimes I believe men can be emotionally immature/stunted. Or they have no outlet.

If your DH's behaviour has changed then its up to you what you decide to do.

Perhaps you could suggest he goes to counselling - to get out his thoughts and fears. Might teach him new techniques on handling stress.

It's very easy for us on mn (me included) to look at situations in a certain way, however with everything in life there are two sides to every story. Maybe he's reacting in a certain way because he's handling his emotions improperly. It's good to see everyones opinions because it can help to add new dimensions to your thoughts, but ultimately the choice is yours and only you know what the deal is.

(Obviously if there was actual physical violence going on, emotional abuse and other extremes then it would be different)

I dont mean that to sound patronising but in short - it's your choice, hope you sort it out. Chin up xx

fruitstick, I can truly empathise with your situation re. husband's "wanting to not be married for a while" and "feeling like he ought to consider you a ball and chain" etc.

My DH also has occasional (ok, weekly) teen-regression tendencies - it's almost as though he can't stand being so grown up as to be married, a father, the financial supporter etc. so he breaks out into random teen behaviour as though to remind himself of who he "is" (i.e. who he was before all this reponsibility took over and "ruined his life" ).

As I said before, DH was having problems with the drink but showed maturity in coming off it and staying off it. He has set his own challenge in this respect, but I was reminded today by the plumber that it won't be seen by others in this light! (Plumber said he was going to ring DH to go out for a curry but he "knew I didn't want DH to drink" - I said it was nothing to do with me, something the bloke was unable to deal with!)

So having youngish single mates is a royal PITA in these situations, or even similar age MCP mates, cos they put ideas into heads when vulnerable (e.g. with drink on board, when very stressed etc.)

You spoiled his teenage rebellion by happily agreeing to him going out - how sad is that - but if you had pouted a bit more about it, he might have been feeling a bit more as though he had won a round, and subsequently drunk less! He might not, of course.

But I REALLY don't think he meant those things he said to you - REALLY. It is more likely something that was said to him that evening, or he was wound up by his mates and as I said before, the filters were off so he had no ability to logically process the information that his baser instincts threw out. PLEASE don't take them to heart - let it go. The time to worry about that sort of stuff is when he says it sober - and even then, if it is in anger, he still probably won't really mean it (DH again).

Glad you got it sorted without having to leave the house.

good lord, some of you ladies really tie yourself in knots trying to "understand" and "explain" the behaviour of an immature, self-obsessed pillock

I don't know where you get the energy from, honestly

these are grown men, with responsibilities, you are excusing their twattish behaviour like you would a teenager

< sigh >

Fruitstick - I think talking openly about the pressures you are both under - and trying to devise strategies between you to help each other and explain what you (respectively) most need when the pressure bites, will be a very good start in making it better between you. Also - talk about what are absolute line-crossings for you: him getting so drunk and shouting, you throwning water etc...

People arguing over who's right - offer your advice freely if you want to support FS, but she isn't anyone's axe to be ground!

i agree, mince pie...

it wouldn't happen the other way, that's for sure.

but mince pie, if these thoughts are actually spoken in RL, we antagonise and alienate such "grown men" which prevents moving on and up.

oh dear, and we mustn't hurt their very fragile itty-bitty feelings, must we ?

agree with any,why should expectations of behaviour not be equal between the sexes?
After all,many mens attitudes have been influenced by their upbringing and history to think they are superior to women and "above" the rules women are expectedto follow.
In reality,it may be an unsavoury thought,but many people,male and female,if in position of "top dog" will bully those who they perceive as inferior/unable to fight back.
In my opinion this happens more frequently in men,whether due to their make up or upbringing I don't know
What I do know is that when men behave arrogantly,aggressively etc,they need to be brought down several pegs,not endlessly "understood" and excused as if they don't know what they are doing