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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me, I don't know what to do.... am shaking

194 replies

fruitstick · 03/01/2009 23:41

Bit of background - I'm 7 months pregnant with DC2. DH gave up smoking on the 1st.

I've been pussy footing around him for days trying to be supportive and biting my tongue everytime he snaps at me or is horrid. Have looked after DS1 so he doesn't annoy him etc etc.

Tonight he went out to the pub with his best mate which I was fine about - in fact, quite looking forward a night in by myself after christmas sociability etc.

Anyway, he comes home at 10:30 with 3 strangers in tow (friends of his mate) all roaring drunk. I was in the kitchen in my pyjamas putting some washing on.

I am pissed off that they have ruined my even ing but make my excuses and go and have a bath. Then find that they are about to play sing star. I ask DH if they would mind not as I would like to read (well mumsnet) in bed undisturbed. He just laughs in my face and pushes past me.

I go down and ask, when he is in the kitchen, to fetch my computer. Again he just laughs at me. I fetch my computer myself and get a glass of water and head upstairs. I can't honestly remember what he said to me as I was going but I flipped and threw the glass of water at him (the water not the glass). I know I shouldn't have.

He then comes upstairs and screams at me that I have humilaited him. I don't mind that but it's just the way he spoke to me... just with utter contempt. He then threated to hit me which I have to say he has never ever done and I don't think he would but he looked like he might! He said that he hadn't done anything wrong and that I was behaving like a twat and humiliated him.

He behaves like a spoilt brat regularly when drunk and my friends always overlook it, I suggest his friends might as I'm pregnant. 'No they won't, and neither will anybody else. Nobody gives a shit, what do you want, some kind of medal.'

He then basically says that he wants to have fun with his friends which he doesn't want to do with me. I get upset, he laughs at me again and says 'is that what you want to hear, the truth hurts doesn't it.'

He is now downstairs singing with these complete strangers!

I'm in pieces and I don't know what to do. I want to just wake up DS1 and walk out but I have nowhere to go. All my friends are away.

Am desperate. I know that he won't be sorry and still say it was all my fault for throwing water over him.

Please tell me what to do.

OP posts:
goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 03/01/2009 23:53

I have to say I do tend to agree with Moondog, what if he had thrown the water at her and she had reacted with a torrent of abuse at him (as I'm sure many of us would probably have done if we're honest about it)??

TWINSETinapeartree · 03/01/2009 23:53

"he then threatened to hit me"

I agree tbh that a man or woman is entitled to come home drunk and pratt about in his own home. But the husband has taken this to a new level.

stevielisa · 03/01/2009 23:54

talk to us hun - im worried for your safety - are you there? whats happening now?

Pawslikepaddington · 03/01/2009 23:54

P.S. I was on my own with dd from two months, and it was hard, but not as hard as it would have been in the relationship-you need to be emotionally secure and happy to care for your dc's properly.

DippyDino · 03/01/2009 23:54

Ah. Reading what other posters have written, of course if you feel immediately threatened, cheap hotel for the night with the LO would be best.

TotalChaos · 03/01/2009 23:55

Moondog - do you know what Singstar is??? It's essentially karaoke.

I agree with DippyDino, that this may be able to be resolved in the morning. The threatening to hit does sound rather alarming - if I threw a glass of water at DH in these circumstances I would expect to be roundly sworn at but not any threats.

TWINSETinapeartree · 03/01/2009 23:55

If she had threatened to hit him and spoken to him with contempt especially if he was ( and of course he wouldn't) 7 months pregnant and maybe anxious I would be telling her she was an unreasonable bitch.

blinks · 03/01/2009 23:56

oh good idea dippydino.

have you enough cash for cheap hotel?

bodgejob · 03/01/2009 23:56

It sounds like a volatile situation .
He sounds nasty and if you feel you are in any danger i would get out. Any neighbours you can call on ?

ruty · 03/01/2009 23:56

He is drunk. Does he get drunk regularly? He might be horrifically ashamed in the morning. Make it clear that if he ever threatens to hit you again you are walking. I think it really depends on his attitude towards you in the morning. Horrible for you though. So sorry.

Original poster
fruitstick · 03/01/2009 23:56

The phone is in the room with them so I'm not going to get it. I don't have parents so sadly no Dad to come to my rescue (although it a bolt of lightening hits West London you'll know where it's come from).

I didn't actually want to go to bed, I was half way through an episode of jonathan creek. I just thought I would get out of the way.

I'm not sure I can fan the flames with water but I know what you mean. I shouldn't have done it, if only because it removes any moral high ground I may have had ........

Difficult to say whether he'll be sorry or not. Chances are he won't remember the things he said, which are far worse than the bringing some mates home.

OP posts:
stevielisa · 03/01/2009 23:57

fruitstick are you still online?

WalkingInAWonderStuffingLand · 03/01/2009 23:57

If you are confident that you and dc aren't in any danger from him I would do as dino suggests and take it from there. You can't stay in a situation where you don't feel safe.

4andnotout · 03/01/2009 23:57

I would be fairly concerned if my dp brought home strangers into my house where my child was.

ShinyPinkShoes · 03/01/2009 23:57

Right now I would be calling a friend or family member, chucking some overnight stuff in a bag and getting out of there.

scifinerd · 03/01/2009 23:57

I think the point is Fruitstix do you feel in any danger? Would you feel safer away from the house? Or are you shaking because you are upset but not scared? Because if you feel threatened it doesn't matter a fig if you threw water or not, you and your dc are what's important just now.

TWINSETinapeartree · 03/01/2009 23:58

I think you need to think about what dp is like normally, if he is making you so scared that you shake on a regular basis or even more than one occassion then this relationship is not one to bring children into.

If it is make bravado, drink and lack of nicotone and out of charactar talk to him tomorrow

Pawslikepaddington · 03/01/2009 23:59

You have to talk to him about it in the morning though whether he remembers what he said or not-he cannot talk to you like that with dc's in the house. If you spoke to him like that in the same situation you would expect no less than a reprimand in the morning, and would be horrifed surely, so the same treatment/reaction should be accorded to him.

blinks · 04/01/2009 00:00

don't start normalising this- you need to trust your initial instinct.

west london surely has some hotels?

Original poster
fruitstick · 04/01/2009 00:01

I am confident he would never hit me. He does drink a fair bit, although I wouldn't say it was a problem.

To be honest I think it's more the lack of fags than the alcohol. The last time he gave up he was vile to me but not to this level.

OP posts:
leoleosuperstar · 04/01/2009 00:02

I am with blinks when she says trust your instincts. You have to listen to what your body is saying. What is your gut instinct telling you todo?

stevielisa · 04/01/2009 00:02

fully agree with twinset - when lo's are involved, you have to consider circumstances a lot more carefully - if you stay tonight, please get the whole thing sorted out once and for all tomorrow morning when he's sobor, and if you think its ever likely to happen in the future again, think about your options xx

Original poster
fruitstick · 04/01/2009 00:02

I'm don't feel in any danger, I'm more upset than anything.

Basically he said that he had no feelings for me and went downstairs to carry on singing.

OP posts:
leoleosuperstar · 04/01/2009 00:03

Where would he sleep after having so much to drink?
What's happening now are they all singing?

Original poster
fruitstick · 04/01/2009 00:04

Yes, Don't You Forget About Me to be precise.

OP posts:
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