I just had a can of beer thrown in my face by DP and think I deserved it.

[AmIWhatAndWhy]

I was going to namechange but don't have time, the lovely lot that know me in real life from mumsnet will, I hope, not think less of me.

I think I deserved it as I've secretly drinked in the past. I had pnd with dd and for good reasons really. I did adress it and thought I was over it, but with DP I still have to hide it.

Today I had done all I needed to (including getting his christmas presents)and after being out all day with the two kids really just wanted to sit down for a cold beer or two. Fool me, I bought an 8 pack thinking I'd tell him there was 6 so I drank one and had opened another just as he came in. Don't ask me why but I hid it in the pasta pan I'd just put on the side after doing the kids tea with a plate on top. He came in and wanted a sandwich and found it.

So as I was hoovering our room as he insisted when he got in he started washing up and found it. I don't know who is right here but I wish I had a friend to give me a big hug hug.

It might be violence, but it is not endemic domestic violence and it is not evidence on this man's character as a whole.

There are really too many people on here ready to jump at the worst conclusion on scant evodence, usually agaist men.

I know what domestic violence is having grown up in a house where it occured every day.

The OP said she thinks she deserved it. Are we all above doing terrible things simply by dint of being female. Except me of course.

If she thinks she deserved it, she's probably right. That was her first instinct and she seems to simply wanted to be talked out of it.

I'm not condoning domestic violence. This situaltion is obvioulsy more complicated than she is letting on though. I sympathise with her. I don;t have to agree with the liberal consensus to do that. That doesn't make me an evil deviant either.

It is not evidence on this man's character as a whole. But the other stuff the OP says, doesn't exactly make me warm to his character.

I also grew up with DV so know a fair bit about it myself. And if you know so much about it, then you will know perfectly well that victims of DV often believe they deserve it. The fact that they believe they deserve it, doesn't mean they do, as you know full well.

No-one called you an evil deviant either. I just find your attitude to this extremely odd. You will also know perfectly well that serious DV begins with incidents such as the one the OP has described. That's why it's important to take those incidents seriously; as I said before, serious DV doesn't start with a sock in the jaw and a trip to A&E. If it did, everybody would instantly recognise and deal with it properly and it wouldn't be so widespread.

But you know all this MT.

I don't think you need to wait until it's become "endemic domestic violence" before you take it seriously and make it v. clear to the perpetrator that it is absolutely unacceptable, whatever the provocation.

monkeytrousers, I am perfectly calm thank you

Tellimg someone to piss of just because they have an opinion other to yours does not denote calmness. Sorry. It would be a very boring place if we all agreed with each other all the time. Live and let live and all that.

Yes, I agree LGB. But the OP didn't start a thread worried about DV. That's become an issue on the scantest evidence. To many people are too keen to see Goody Proctor with the devil I think. It would be noce to bve able to post a dessenting opinion and for that to be taken at face value, but agaon, all kinds of things are then read into it. I never said it was not serious for instance, just that the OP's first instincts might have been right. She knows better than anyone of us. I', not going to condemn a man as a wife beater in a couple who decide to argue over a can of beer at xmas. There's obvioulsy other issues there. That's my main point.

But they didn't "decide to argue over a can of beer at christmas"

He decided to throw a can of beer at her. I don't understand what you mean that it's DV on the scantest evidence. If he threw a can of beer at someone in a pub, he'd be arrested. He's committed an arrestable offence in his own home and you are calling it "scant evidence". You don't work for MI5, do you?

They are arguing over beer. Not a good sign.

I said it's not evidence of endemic domestic violence. That doesn;t mean I don;t think their relationship has many issues or that DV might be one of them. Acholism and trust seem to be other issues. I say again, it's obvioulsy more complcated than any of us can know.

I think if the police were going to arrest everyone who threw a drink in someones face at xmas the real crims would be having a right knees up at our expense.

Anyway, this is getting blown out of proportion. Merry xmas

merry xmas mt [fgrin}

I withdraw my "piss off" and replace it with "bog off". And I really am perfectly peaceful.

However, I feel that anything that wouldn't be acceptable down the pub, in the supermarket, in the workplace etc is not acceptable just because it happens between man and wife.

I bet this fella don't throw beer in his boss's face does he?

Thank you Anyfucker (love the name by the way). I wouldn;t find it acceptable either, but I'd also stand back a bit till I got a better lie of the land before condemning anyone, male or female, is all I was trying to say. Just like a good rozzer

A peaceful xmas to you

at the rozzers