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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just had a can of beer thrown in my face by DP and think I deserved it.

186 replies

AmIWhatAndWhy · 22/12/2008 19:34

I was going to namechange but don't have time, the lovely lot that know me in real life from mumsnet will, I hope, not think less of me.

I think I deserved it as I've secretly drinked in the past. I had pnd with dd and for good reasons really. I did adress it and thought I was over it, but with DP I still have to hide it.

Today I had done all I needed to (including getting his christmas presents)and after being out all day with the two kids really just wanted to sit down for a cold beer or two. Fool me, I bought an 8 pack thinking I'd tell him there was 6 so I drank one and had opened another just as he came in. Don't ask me why but I hid it in the pasta pan I'd just put on the side after doing the kids tea with a plate on top. He came in and wanted a sandwich and found it.

So as I was hoovering our room as he insisted when he got in he started washing up and found it. I don't know who is right here but I wish I had a friend to give me a big hug hug.

OP posts:
NotDoingTheHousework · 22/12/2008 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

honestfriend · 22/12/2008 21:28

I'd keep out of his way until you are both less emotional.

His behaviour is not acceptable.

As adults, you both need to be able to talk about your a) perceived problem with alcohol and b) his attitude towards you generally- abusive/violent/controlling.

If you feel that you do NOT have a drink problem, then there is no need to be secretive about drinking a can of beer. What you DO need to be worried about is a husband who is violent towards you and MAKES YOU FEEL HIS ANGER IS JUSTIFIABLE. Classic abuse.

Please get help from outside professionals.

darcysotherhalf · 22/12/2008 21:28

right, so the stressful situation driving her to drink is the husband. which means she needs to address her relationship with her husband. without the aid of drink clouding the issue.

wrapstar - isn't it a bit overreactive t osay i'm 'joining in the abuse' she is suffering from? isn't this a forum to share opinions. and opinions may not be a concensus. if you feel that something i said has perhaps triggered a nerve with you...

either way, would you want someone who drank to excess, which i am not saying she does, this is hypothetical now, in charge of a child?

I am not suggesting that PND is to be held against a woman forever, otherwise that would include me as well.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 22/12/2008 21:43

I'm a bit confused as to why everyone thinks IamwhatIam is or ever has been an alcoholic? She hid the beer because she was scared of her dh's reaction not because she has issues with alcohol! He has told her that she cannot drink unless he is there. You wouldn't tell some one you genuinely believed to be an alcoholic that it is okay to drink so long as you are supervised.

IamwhatIam please listen to NDTH she is speaking a lot of sense. God help my DH if he ever threw lager at me for whatever reason. He could walk in early from work at 12pm to find me rolling drunk and naked on the living room carpet and I'd still be livid if he threw beer at me! There is no excuse for his behavior. HE needs help not you, take him to the GP and get him anger management and counselling to adress his control issues.

Original poster
AmIWhatAndWhy · 22/12/2008 22:04

Okay, things have moved on but I don't have time to post in detail.

But I'm fine. I'd really appreciate your help in the morning though.

OP posts:
ChirpyGrinch · 22/12/2008 22:29

AmI, only just seen thsi thread, I understand it has moved on but am echoing others that say he sounds very abusive, if he thought you had a 'genuine' problem then why would he 'allow' you to drink with him?
Will be around in the morning if you need ot talk.

JosephofNazareth · 22/12/2008 22:35

Me too! I need to namechange back - i drink too much, but would NEVER put up with such behaviour from your partner!

wrapstar · 22/12/2008 22:54

Darcy, you are the one insisting she has a drink problem or being 'driven to drink', I wonder why. Does this hit a nerve with you? You also seem keen to justify abuse and I wonder if that is because of a situation you have been in? I think you seem to be projecting things onto the OP to justify her being abused by her partner, and yes, I think that is colluding with abuse. I think you need to look at why you are doing this, as it cannot be helpful to a woman in an abusive relationship.

Original poster
AmIWhatAndWhy · 22/12/2008 23:41

Thanyou you lovely lot. I posted about his family before. My DS (3) is ASD (not fully diagnosed but it looks that way, towards the severe end of the scale). He has told me they said it could be down to my parenting (see my posts on here about it). Tonight he said he agreed and has serious worries himself.

So stuff the lovely family Christmas. And I've been working on preparing DS for all the fuss as his behaviour is unpredictable, especially with anything new. Not to mention the hard work in menu planning, gift wrapping etc. And really, I had hints and thought DP would re propose this christmas and we would set a date. So now feel like a fool.

And yes I have issues with drinking, maybe I should stop altogether, but it's not that easy.

I am terrified if we split he will throw this in my face and somehow get custody of the children.

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 22/12/2008 23:49

It is such a horrible time when the shit hits the fan and you are going through the beginning of the process of dealing with SN. Do you have any real life support with this at all? Rather than live in fear, I would get some sort of advice about custody etc - even if it's just phoing women's aid if you can't face speaking to CAB/solicitor etc. As a generality, I would have thought that even with a drink problem, if you are taking positive steps to sort it, a judge would think well of that.

Original poster
AmIWhatAndWhy · 22/12/2008 23:51

I'm going to ignore it all, shit as that sounds. I will get christmas over and then I think , as I'm spending new year at my mums, not come home.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIWhatAndWhy · 22/12/2008 23:53

And I seriously don't have a drink problem, I did, I held my hands up. It's my DP that is the problem. And some of the things he said tonight crossed a line. Think below the belt, and dropped to ankle length.

I can't have a family with him. I feel like such a fool for hoping we'd set a date to get married this christmas. What is wrong with me.

OP posts:
Tortington · 22/12/2008 23:59

i haven't been following your threads - if there have been others. so based on scan reading this thread i have to ask...

the man maybe over reacted to a situation where he knows his partner and mother of his small children is drinking - there has been an issue before - not explained that caused him to really worry about you being in charge of the children - becuase foyour drinking.

if he is angry and threw it in your face, becuase you have a problem and drink when the children are in the house, to excess putting them in danger - then although he could have handled it better - its understandable - the reaction - to the situation.

isn't it?

Original poster
AmIWhatAndWhy · 23/12/2008 00:06

Well yes I can see it from his perspective. I'd be the same if he was a sahd, but I would never ever react like this.

As I say he's hurt me too much tonight. I can't see us being a family again. I need to get the courage to call my mum I really do.

OP posts:
solidgoldprawnring · 23/12/2008 00:06

I don't know your background but what's important here is that anyone with any sense who is in a relationship with an alcoholic (and I am NOT saying the OP is one) would not request the alcoholic buys drink for the partner or is 'allowed' to drink when the partner is present but not otherwise. If you are married to someone with a drink problem and you want to help them, one of the first things you do is stop drinking yourself.
And unwise/slightly excessive drinking is very common among people who are in abusive relationships or other stressful situations. The problem is the situation, not necessarily the drink.

Original poster
AmIWhatAndWhy · 23/12/2008 00:10

Oh but to clarify I have never ever drunk to excess, and never put my children in danger and never would.

They are 2 and 3 years old and we've only had one trip to A&E for a fever with DD.

OP posts:
LittleJingleBellas · 23/12/2008 00:22

He is an abuser. Please call Women's Aid and get some advice on this.

You don't deserve to have beer thrown in your face. It's not even clear you have a drink problem, but if you do, his behaviour is not therefore justifiable. One of the reasons that many relationships fail when one party has been an alcoholic for many years and the other party has been an enabler, is because the enabler can keep the alcoholic feeling guilty and bad about their drinking and so control them when they are sober. Once they sober up completely and start to take control of their lives and try to change the dynamics of the relationship, the enabler is suddenly left with no role - hence divorce. Anyone who lives with an alcoholic has as big a problem as the one who can't control their drinking.

Please call Women's Aid, they will help you.

LittleJingleBellas · 23/12/2008 00:22

Hold on so you've never drunk to excess?

So what exactly is the nature of your drink problem, as defined by him?

Tortington · 23/12/2008 00:24

so why is he scared of you drinking in the house ith the kids - and what was the incident you refered to briefly that made him be scared of you drinking alone with the kids?

LittleJingleBellas · 23/12/2008 00:25

Sorry that should have read "... when one party has been an alcoholic for many years and the other party has been an enabler, and the alcoholic stops drinking..."

Without the proviso of the alcoholic sobering up, it doesn't really make sense, does it? Sorry.

solidgoldprawnring · 23/12/2008 00:32

SO he and his family are blaming you for the fact that your DS may have SN? What a bunch of cunts.

Please take this thought and hold it: even if they are claiming that your DS's SN is due to your drinking, even if you had a drink or two when you were pregnant, everything that stupid people believe about 'fetal alcohol syndrome' is BULLSHIT. This is a rare problem with a genetic component, heavily alcoholic women frequently give birth to NT babies, all the fuss about pregnant women having one sip of alcohol is misogynistic controlling bullshit.

Tortington · 23/12/2008 00:35

maybe he is a total cunt
and you are also an alcoholic?

the two aren't mutually exclusive.

maybe he is using your drinking as a metaphorical weapon against you

but maybe you have a problem.

maybe you dont

maybe he isn't

there really is shit all information here

LittleJingleBellas · 23/12/2008 00:38

We don't know if she has a problem or not.

We do know he has one though.

Tortington · 23/12/2008 00:41

i think if i was frustrated i could easily throw a pint over dp in this situation ( assuming a history of problems due to drink)

i may have missed something

TLESinChristmasStockings · 23/12/2008 01:05

I have read some of this...not all there is an awful lot to read.

Just my opinion

Children growing up around alcoholic parents/parent is not good. It causes damage in the long term. Because at some point the parent will end up in hospital. My dad turned to drink when I was 18 and got raped, to numb the pain of the fact he was not there to protect me from what happened. It made him very ill. And when he gave up drinking it made him evem sicker that one by one his internal organs began to fail. He did survive and for another 4 yrs he stayed off of the drink.

Hiding alcohol is not a good sign, in fact that is a bad bad sign, If you were not an alcoholic, i doubt your dh would have be the way he is. The insisting could be his only way of ensuring you are there and not out drinking.....

While i don't agree with what he did i can see why he did it.....

Its like when someone is screaming hysterically and you can't stop them, you slap their face to stop them (you know what i mean i think)

This was his way of bringing you into the realisation of what you are doing.....

To be honest it seems to have worked, because it has made you think enough to post on here, and yes I do disagree with what he did.

I have the odd glass of wine, sometimes half a bottle or more BUT never when I am going to be alone with the dc's.

Please for the sake of your family especially your children and dh seek help before you go any further down the slippery slope.