I just had a can of beer thrown in my face by DP and think I deserved it.

[AmIWhatAndWhy]

I was going to namechange but don't have time, the lovely lot that know me in real life from mumsnet will, I hope, not think less of me.

I think I deserved it as I've secretly drinked in the past. I had pnd with dd and for good reasons really. I did adress it and thought I was over it, but with DP I still have to hide it.

Today I had done all I needed to (including getting his christmas presents)and after being out all day with the two kids really just wanted to sit down for a cold beer or two. Fool me, I bought an 8 pack thinking I'd tell him there was 6 so I drank one and had opened another just as he came in. Don't ask me why but I hid it in the pasta pan I'd just put on the side after doing the kids tea with a plate on top. He came in and wanted a sandwich and found it.

So as I was hoovering our room as he insisted when he got in he started washing up and found it. I don't know who is right here but I wish I had a friend to give me a big hug hug.

It strikes me as odd that he claims to have concerns about your ability to look after your dcs yet he wants you to move out and take the kids with you?
He is not being straight.

However, you must not drink again, regardless of whether you have a drink problem or not, do not give him any ammunition.

Aside from that, you need a calm and controlled head to deal with his manipulation and games.

Do seek advice and do speak to your Mum.

And look after yourself, you don't deserve what he is doing at all.

I am sorry to hear this too. Please get some legal advice via WOmen's Aid or a domestic violence organisation ASAP. THis man is seriously abusive and actually dangerous to you: he is manipulating the situation because his intention may be to take your children from you. Or at least to use that as a threat in order to control you completely. Sorry if that sounds harsh and scary but it looks very much like this is what he plans. SO you need to get it on record that he is abusive, that he threw a can of beer at you etc, and to find out your rights as fast as you can.

im sorry things have worked out this way for you both. bit of a bummer christmas start really.

don't think there's much to advise that you haven't already probably been thinking of. could definitely do with talking things through with him thoroughly if you want to make things work. get someone there with you for moral support. preferably someone you both know is not going to judge either of you or try and butt in.

would christmas with your mum be any better? would she try and make you happier for the festive season? might not have much festive cheer from him!

i don't think he's going to try and accuse you of not being able to provide a happy sparkling christmas. he's probably going to be feeling just as crappy as you.

he most likely needs space to think.

he appears to be the one in control of this situation at the moment. which makes things harder for you, as you don't know what he might do next. suggesting a talk with him is probably the best way forward.

for all his control issues, which sound like his personality, it doesn't sound, from what you have said, that he resorts to violence - and this sounds like the first time he has acted physically, hence your surprised post title.

perhaps it could just be that you are completely differently matched personality wise and this is what you are discovering.

you still haven't clarified who the rest of the pack was for.

for what its worth, drinking a whole bottle of wine a day/ more than twice a week is excessive. and it is harmful. not just mentally, but physically as well: liver damage, diabetes, stroke, heart disease. it will also ruin your complexion, for those vain people out there.

as for abusive relationships. abuse is not on. if you feel threatened, harassed, been physically hurt then that is abuse. it need not be obvious. however, i don't think (and i don't think you think it really) that he is abusive. controlling, yes. but sometimes that is part of a persons personality and you may have been aware of it before now.

by the way, did he insist on doing the hoovering while he put his feet up? no, he did the washing up. hence the problem in the first place. a fair division of labour really. just unfortunate in what he discovered!

anyway, the nub of it is: communicate with each other. no more lies. no more recriminations. and be assertive. because if you ask me, as you ask the forum in essence, you need to assert yourself. standup for yourself.

everyone keeps asking this poor woman who the other cans for for- but if she went to the supermarket for them, which she did, then she could hardly buy 1 can could she? they come in packs!

can so get cans of beer singly. and it matters because people keep saying they weren't all for her, using that as a basis for assuming she doesn't have a drink problem.

if she was planning to drink the majority herself...

NDTH, she posted on here. a forum. so i can comment along with the rest, thankyou. you may not agree with what i said, fine.

but she hasn't said much about NOT having a drink problem. in fact, if you read the thread, you'll note, she says she had one. which he witnessed, and which probably broke his trust.

sure, a adult is entitled to do what they want, within reason, if they have no responsibilities. but children bring responsibility. and sacrifice. drinking before baby clinic. when HV are there, or even if they're not, is not responsible. and she knows that. she admitted that. but restoring trust takes honesty. and being human beings, may incur the other people who saw you at your worst to remind you of that occasionally. her actions of hiding drink, whether because of fear or guilt, is not the way to get her husband to trust her again.

isn't that obvious?

NDTH, do you have young children? and were you by yourself? a bottle of wine and two sherries over the course of a day, with food and in company is probably ok.

if you were by yourself though, check your limits

She says quite clearly she has never drunk to excess and has never put the kids at risk. You are absolutely bloody obsessed with the idea that she is a hopeless alcoholic. You are obviously hung up on this for personal reasons of some kind. But don't project your prejudices/bad experience on other people and certainly don't excuse abusive behaviour. You sound like some kind of religious fundamentalist.

wrapstar, pleeeasse, we all realise that projection is your forte on this thread, otherwise the subject of abuse and alcohol wouldn't upset you so much.

i am not obsessed with her alcohol consumption, i am trying to say to her communicate with her husband.

nor am i excusing abusive behaviour. it is wrong. it doesn't take a genius to know that. and if you are being abused, it doesn't take a genius to know what to do about it.

Hi..don't drink myself so i can't say from experience..
And i read the original post but no others and flipped the thread to answer without prejudice.
No one deserves to have a can of beer thrown at them.
You are an adult therefore you can choose to do what you want and as long as it hurts no one else go for it..
He has a right to be disappointed in you for hiding the can but he should say he is disappointed and not be violent.
I would have crammed the can up his bony ass.
Just a few of my opinions lol
Cheer up hun just imagine him being pecked by a turkey and get on with enjoying xmas xxxx

I beg to differ. No matter what SHE says, you insist she must be a raging alcoholic otherwise her lovely husband wouldn't be driven to bullying, abusing and attacking her! And you have consistently said that his behaviour is reasonable, and indeed no more than a 'reminder' that she 'broke his trust'. So blaming the victim. You clearly have issues, and you are doing your best to make the OP feel as if she is in the wrong and it's OK for her husband to attack her.

you know, this is actually helping the OP, is it? do you have any constructive advice? oh yes...i remember, vaguely, back in the mists of the thread.

listen, wrapstar, tis the season of good will, so, put your guns down and give some to the op.

i did. which was communicate. with support from others. if necessary.

which is actually a good suggestion in the circumstances of which we are only aware of some things.

wow I have never quite seen this much fire on mumsnet,don't worry too much I am sorry to see that people have become firey when you just need some sound advice.No he shouldn't ever throw anything at you (Especially if you have had problems in the past) try to move on don't drag it out (do something else as if you don't notice what mood he is in) life with 2 younguns is hard and you will have a few hiccups along the way.Stay strong-remember Xmas (It is a time for your children) if this continues into the new year then you will have to chat!

I am in sole charge of the dc tonight.

I am drinking Baileys.

Should my dh attack me? Should he have "trust issues" with me?

darcy do you really not think that blaming your partner for your child's SN is not abusive? Did you see the duluth model I posted? He is already doing things on that model. Now doing one or 2 of those things as a one off, is not abusive. But doing a number of them, over a consistent period of time, is.

You are accusing people of not giving constructive advice to the OP, but tbh it is not constructive to tell someone who is either in or on the way to being in an abusive relationship, to be in denial about it. They generally already are. It is not harmful to point out that the OP's DH is already on the abuse wheel. A decent, well-meaning man when confronted with that, would be seriously shocked and prepared to discuss their behaviour. So if he's decent and well-meanng, it won't do any harm at all to point out that his behaviour is abusive. If he's not a decent man otoh, pointing out that behaviour is abusive is absolutely crucial.

Anyfuckerforamincepie ...
PMSFL fantastic love it
Mind u..be careful, cramming a bottle of baileys up his bum if he does get arsey is gonna take a lot of explaining at A+E lol

Right.

I am in sole charge of my DC until about 10.

I have had a big chunk of a lovely bottle of soave. Does this mean that when my DH comes home he would be justified in chucking a glass of the stuff and a heap of self-righteousness at me? Like f* he would!

there are 2 sides to every story... we only have AmIWhatAndWhy's side... how do we know that she doesn't have a drink problem! aren't most alcoholics in denial!

I'm sure if we looked up warning signs for drinking... hiding drink would be on there.. lying about how much you had would be on there.. making excuses would be on there.. (I had pnd)...

wasn't it his parents that blamed the SN on her.. not the husband.. (forgive me if I'm wrong there)

He says it was his parents, and then that he agreed with them.

Again, absolutely typical manipulative behaviour. Tell the victim that someone else said a) b) c) about them, so that his bad opinion of her is validated and then it makes him seem like he's not the only one who thinks it, so he must be right.

Rev, the fact that he through a beer can at her is also serious. Please don't underplay the seriousness of domestic violence. DV doesn't start with a sock in the jaw and a trip to A&E; it starts with undermining comments, little pushes which "might" have been accidental and incidents like this one, where he hasn't actually physically injured the OP but what he has done is technically assualt, if a stranger did it to you in the street and there was a police officer in the vicinity, the beer-thrower would be arrested and charged with assault.

b) is just as serious as a).