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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just had a can of beer thrown in my face by DP and think I deserved it.

186 replies

AmIWhatAndWhy · 22/12/2008 19:34

I was going to namechange but don't have time, the lovely lot that know me in real life from mumsnet will, I hope, not think less of me.

I think I deserved it as I've secretly drinked in the past. I had pnd with dd and for good reasons really. I did adress it and thought I was over it, but with DP I still have to hide it.

Today I had done all I needed to (including getting his christmas presents)and after being out all day with the two kids really just wanted to sit down for a cold beer or two. Fool me, I bought an 8 pack thinking I'd tell him there was 6 so I drank one and had opened another just as he came in. Don't ask me why but I hid it in the pasta pan I'd just put on the side after doing the kids tea with a plate on top. He came in and wanted a sandwich and found it.

So as I was hoovering our room as he insisted when he got in he started washing up and found it. I don't know who is right here but I wish I had a friend to give me a big hug hug.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIWhatAndWhy · 22/12/2008 20:01

Yes missisboot, as I said, but how he responded was shit, and tbh I knew he would, and that's why I hid it.

I took my DC out to see santa last friday with a friend and we went for lunch after , I had a glass of win, but I didn't tell him as I knew it would get him angry.

So in that case I was wrong, for keeping things from him.

OP posts:
wrapstar · 22/12/2008 20:03

No, you kept a perfectly normal thing from him because he is FRIGHTENING and VIOLENT. That is not wrong! He is controlling and scary and that's what's wrong. You are an adult and entitled to a glass of wine if you want one.

Habbibu · 22/12/2008 20:05

Not good, AmIWhat. There's no justification for throwing anything at you - and the insisting on hoovering and cleaning up is bollocks. No-one "deserves" assault.

Original poster
AmIWhatAndWhy · 22/12/2008 20:06

He's still just lying in bed. ffs.

The long story is DD was a surprise baby, I'd just gotten used to being a mother then I was mother to two (they were born three days short of a year from each other)

A;; this happened just as DP'S career picked up, and tbh he still admits he'd rather have had children later. We live in London, my family and my best friends live miles away. I was bored, sad, and got anxious. Sometimes to the point that I needed a drink just to leave the house (I'm crying admitting this). This ended up being cked up on by our GP and I was on anti D's for a while but they made me hyper so I stopped them. I haven't 'used' alcohol like that since though.

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NotDoingTheHousework · 22/12/2008 20:06

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wrapstar · 22/12/2008 20:07

Once a man starts telling you what you are 'allowed' to do, it's bad stuff, and a slippery slope. Once he starts attacking you for not doing what he wants, then you have to get out, I think. Next time it won't just be the beer, it will be his hand, or the can.

NotDoingTheHousework · 22/12/2008 20:08

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wrapstar · 22/12/2008 20:09

How did your GP know you had a drink in the afternoon sometimes?

Original poster
AmIWhatAndWhy · 22/12/2008 20:09

I feel shame for doing it, and wish I could talk to him now but he's blanking me

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Original poster
AmIWhatAndWhy · 22/12/2008 20:10

because I had to have one sometimes before I took DD to be weighed.

OP posts:
wrapstar · 22/12/2008 20:10

HE should be ashamed, not you! You are not a bad person. You dont' throw things at people and humiliate them and demand they hoover when you want them to.

wrapstar · 22/12/2008 20:11

Really, just the one? He is using this to control you.

MissisBoot · 22/12/2008 20:12

Oh yes - I don't dispute that his response was shit - I said it was very wrong.

There is something fundamentally wrong with your relationship if you can't be honest with each other either because you are scared of him (and if this is so you really must leave as you can't live in fear of someone) or he hasn't accepted whatever happened when you used to drink in secret.

Original poster
AmIWhatAndWhy · 22/12/2008 20:14

I was all ready to complain about being forced to hoover but thought it easier to do it then talk abut it later, I didn't expect this to be thrown into the evening.

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NotDoingTheHousework · 22/12/2008 20:14

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/12/2008 20:14

AmIwhatandwhy

I am very saddened to see your messages and no I do not think any less of you for posting this.

Would you be wiling to discuss this with your GP and Al-anon as they could help?. Hiding alcohol to me is a big red flag as well; there are issues here re your underlying anxiety that need to be addressed properly and your partner is certainly not helping any.

NO-ONE deserves to have beer thrown at them no matter what supposed provacation there was beforehand. There is no excuse for his actions towards you.

Attila

P.S Glad to read that the voucher came in handy. My pleasure.

Original poster
AmIWhatAndWhy · 22/12/2008 20:15

And really, had he no found the beer I probably would have finished it whilst washing up and never mentioned it, which is awful of me.

OP posts:
wrapstar · 22/12/2008 20:15

What would be have done if you'd said no to the hoovering?

wrapstar · 22/12/2008 20:16

It is NOT awful to hide things from people when you are afraid that they will hurt you.

llareggub · 22/12/2008 20:17

I don't want to justify what he did to you at all, so please don't misunderstand me.

My DH is an alcoholic, and has been sober for 2 years. At the height of his drinking I distinctly remember losing all control myself and physically shaking him to stop him leaving the house with a bottle of vodka and his car keys. I remember hitting him and feeling very ashamed of it, but I cannot for one minute describe succinctly the sheer horror and frustration of trying to get through to him about his drinking. I was desperate and, oh, bugger, I said it wasn't going to justify it.

It is out of order.

traceybath · 22/12/2008 20:17

To clarify - i totally don't think throwing a drink in someone's face is at all ok.

However (and i'm probably totally wrong) but it sounded to me like the OP was saying that she had got a bit of an alcohol problem.

I could therefore understand if it was agreed that she didn't drink in the day and then her DH found a hidden can he may have been worried and over-reacted.

I still think that secretive drinking and hiding the evidence is worrying be that because you've got a drinking problem or you're scared of your DH.

Original poster
AmIWhatAndWhy · 22/12/2008 20:19

Atilla, shit I didn't spend your voucher on beer, I promise you, I bought nappies and a few bits as I said.

We probably don't have the spare cash for beer but it's almost christmas and , well.

Now I feel like I've let four people down. Fuck.

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Original poster
AmIWhatAndWhy · 22/12/2008 20:20

Oh and atilla I will see my GP (childhood gp) when I go up north over New Year. The GP's here are not that great to be honest.

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spicemonster · 22/12/2008 20:20

If someone is an alcoholic and you're trying to help them, you don't get them to buy you a six pack do you? And the 'insisting' about the hoovering?

This isn't about alcohol, it's about abuse

Original poster
AmIWhatAndWhy · 22/12/2008 20:23

You know, this year has been shit from start to end. I really hope next year brings better things.

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