I just had a can of beer thrown in my face by DP and think I deserved it.

[AmIWhatAndWhy]

I was going to namechange but don't have time, the lovely lot that know me in real life from mumsnet will, I hope, not think less of me.

I think I deserved it as I've secretly drinked in the past. I had pnd with dd and for good reasons really. I did adress it and thought I was over it, but with DP I still have to hide it.

Today I had done all I needed to (including getting his christmas presents)and after being out all day with the two kids really just wanted to sit down for a cold beer or two. Fool me, I bought an 8 pack thinking I'd tell him there was 6 so I drank one and had opened another just as he came in. Don't ask me why but I hid it in the pasta pan I'd just put on the side after doing the kids tea with a plate on top. He came in and wanted a sandwich and found it.

So as I was hoovering our room as he insisted when he got in he started washing up and found it. I don't know who is right here but I wish I had a friend to give me a big hug hug.

I hope you have a better year and get a good chat with your GP - book a double appointment so you're not rushed and good luck.

What do I do about DP?

He's still in bed, shall I press it or just sleep in the childrens room tonight?

sorry, am probably gonna get flamed for writing this but - my cousin died of cirrhosis of the liver (the 'classic' complaint of an alcoholic death - was a nurse so have my facts right on this) leaving two teenage children. her husband wasn't right for her, but they had been together since university. its wasn't the happiest of marriages, but then there is always another way out. she chose the wrong way. she tried to hide her drinking. not very convincingly really. although convincingly enough for her children not to notice too much. she hadn't particularly been into drink when she was younger. it developed when she had the children, gave up her job and moved to an isolated spot in the country.

they rowed quite a lot. and yes, at times it did become physical.

thats her story though. here, he reacted much as any unreasonable man would: a neanderthal concern reaction when you don't want to hit the person. its not an excuse, but really you need to face the fact that you had a spiralling drink problem. you clearly haven't faced it properly. you are continuing to lie about your intake as you know there is a problem. i am right in thinking the '6' pack was going to be 'shared' ? drinking responsibly when the children are in bed (i.e. a bottle of wine between the pair of you) is not gonna be that much of prob. unless you do it everyday. you chose an inappropriate time to drink.

you both need counseling. you both broke each others trust in one another. he's probably in bed wondering whether he can trust you again. and he probably feels guilty for resorting to violence.

but hey, thats just my opinion. as is everyone elses on here.

He got up and he said he was scared things might turn out like his worst fears, I asked him what he meant and he said maybe I was unfit to be a mother. I could see he was really worked up so asked him to go out for a walk and calm down. God knows when he'll come back. I really really need to talk to my mum about this but I know she will feel let down too (she knows about the earlier stuff)

darcy, I have alcoholism in my family, I know that. I don't think I am that. I certainly don't want it.

AmIWhat - it comes across that you have real guilt issues - talking about feeling like letting people down and that you deserve certain treatment because of your actions.

It sounds like you have v low self esteem - tell me if I'm wrong here but do you think your dh resents being a father to 2 children so quickly and is holding you responsible?

AmI, i don't think anyone wants it. often alcoholism does run in families. alcoholism is another form of an obsessive-addictive personality (which aren't necessarily bad things) its a negative outpouring of that compulsion though. its a mood relaxant...yet a depressant as well so the cycle continues.

if you want' to talk to your mum, ring her. she may feel let down, but thats her feeling, not yours. she'll probably want to help and support you. unless of course there are issues with her (!) (my mum isn't the best to talk to either). i did wonder whether he'd be thinking you were an unfit mother. you aren't. you need support though which is lacking somewhere otherwise you wouldn't be turning to drink (however little/often you do) or drinking behaviours which encourage him/others to think you have a problem.

You know what he knows mumsnet name as he's posted here on SN with me. But I don't mind if he sees this, I really don't. In fact I've moaned about him before, but much more trivial things and he's never brought it up.

I've read that link already, thanks Housework. (a few weeks ago actually)

Do YOU think you have a drink problem?

I am also inclining towards the possible abusive husband theory - because if he really had the family's best interests at heart, why on earth would he think it fine for you to drink with him around, rather than advocate abstinence.

We discussed less than supportive HVs on a thread many months ago (- I really really feel sad for you that the situation stressed you out to such a degree you needed a drink before going to clinic.

It's not 'turning to drink' to want a glass of wine with lunch or a beer after a long day. The problem here seems to be an abusive controlling partner who is trying to push his children's mother out of the picture..

I think there are two issues.

You do allude to a problem with alcohol, which can be beaten if you want it to and with the right support.

The second issue is your DP, who isn't helping with your alcohol issues and is also acting abusively. You need to separate the two things, I think.

FWIW, DH finds life without alcohol a lot easier than life with it. Not all alcohol programmes advocate abstinence but for some people it is the only way.

wrapstar - no theres nothing wrong with the occasional drink after a stressful day. not however, everyday. and not when you feel the need to hide it or lie about it to disguise the fact. the flag that says problem here is the fact she knows she has a problem. independent of the man she married, who sounds like most egocentric alpha males of the gender. drinking before going to the baby clinic isn't the actions of someone without a drink problem. though that is in the past i realise.

he isn't trying to push their mother out the picture. he's concerned because someone who drinks when they are in charge of children to the degree where it is noticeable isn't going to be a responsible guardian.

There is no evidence in her posts that she is unable to care for them at all. No nice, reasonable person holds a mother's PND against them forever. This man behaves like this - violently, abusively - if she has a drink ever. Of course she is going to hide it! Just because something is hidden doesn't mean it is wrong. eg Women whose partner's are aggressive if they talk to their mothers hide the fact that they do so, it doesn't mean there is anything inherently wrong or shameful in talking to their mother. Children who are beaten for wetting the bed, hide it. It is NORMAL to hide things that people hit you for!

The REAL issue here is this man's abusive, controlling behaviour. Or are people here saying it's Ok for him to demand she hoovers when he says so because she sometimes drinks a glass of wine??

AmIWhatandWhy - I am sorry you are having such a hard time.

look, drinking before baby clinic isn't normal. she said that. that may very well have been triggered by the pnd, but it happened. i had pnd. very severely. but it is released in different ways. clearly, she drinks when stressed. or when in a situation which she can't handle or feels trapped by. thats not unusual. nor is it the only reaction to stress available. but i am trying to see the other side of the argument. his side of the argument. he may indeed be controlling. sometimes men and women do. there are other ways of reacting to it though than by drinking. his reaction was perhaps to us disproportionate. but perhaps not unprovoked by her actions.

AmI, sorry if it sounds harsh and i hope things get better. you both (him and you) need to talk to someone independently. perhaps relate?

She had a drink before baby clinic a few times when she HAD PND. She now doesn't have PND and she says she doesn't drink like that anymore. I am really shocked and appalled that they think that a woman having PND in the past is a reason or excuse for their partner to be violent, controlling and abusive. Your argument is basically, whatever he does to her, she was asking for it. That just disgusts me.

To me, you are joining in the abuse.

She clearly doesn't need to get better. She needs to get shot of this arehole. But he's determined to make this impossible by painting her as an unfit mother. That's terrifying.