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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just had a can of beer thrown in my face by DP and think I deserved it.

186 replies

AmIWhatAndWhy · 22/12/2008 19:34

I was going to namechange but don't have time, the lovely lot that know me in real life from mumsnet will, I hope, not think less of me.

I think I deserved it as I've secretly drinked in the past. I had pnd with dd and for good reasons really. I did adress it and thought I was over it, but with DP I still have to hide it.

Today I had done all I needed to (including getting his christmas presents)and after being out all day with the two kids really just wanted to sit down for a cold beer or two. Fool me, I bought an 8 pack thinking I'd tell him there was 6 so I drank one and had opened another just as he came in. Don't ask me why but I hid it in the pasta pan I'd just put on the side after doing the kids tea with a plate on top. He came in and wanted a sandwich and found it.

So as I was hoovering our room as he insisted when he got in he started washing up and found it. I don't know who is right here but I wish I had a friend to give me a big hug hug.

OP posts:
Deeeja · 23/12/2008 01:43

Sorry, TLESinchristmasstockings, please read the thread, the op does not have a drinking problem, the problem is him!
I hope you are ok, op, and get rid of the twat and his twattish family.

NotDoingTheHousework · 23/12/2008 07:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/12/2008 07:42

Hey AmIwhatandwhy

I have no reason at all to doubt you re the voucher. I saw on the other thread written some days back you spent in on nappies and some jigsaws for your kids.

Getting back to the original issue here, I would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

And I would like to reiterate that your son's SN is NOTHING whatsoever to do with your parenting.

With best wishes

Attila

ChirpyGrinch · 23/12/2008 08:25

How are you this morning?

bellaBuonNatalevita · 23/12/2008 09:12

Hoping you are ok today?

kat57 · 23/12/2008 09:22

I was in a very similar situation to you up until two years ago. Very anxious and unhappy and drinking too much as I thought it helped me cope. My ex-husband was always using the alcohol thing against me and when we split I was scared he'd get custody. He was very controlling as well but in different ways - I can't believe your DP insists on you doing the hoovering!

Anyway, we divorced and without him breathing down my neck and criticising my parenting, I'm a whole lot better and don't need to drink in the same way. For a while I went to AA because I thought I might be an alcoholic and it was a great experience but clarified for me that I wasn't. I still drink now but enjoy it and can control it. As for throwing beer in your face, that's an act of aggression as the others have said and totally out of order.

RumMum · 23/12/2008 09:44

I spent ages reading all the threads then Custy got in first and said what I was thinking....

So...you brought 8 pack of beer and drank 2 and was only going to tell him there were 6.. so hid one in the pasta pot! Were they all for you or were you going to share the rest with him?... also, just wondered what beer you were drinking... was it strong beer?

RumMum · 23/12/2008 09:47

forgot to add.. why did you think that you deserved it?

honestfriend · 23/12/2008 10:14

How are you today?

I think you need to ask yourself:

  • do you have a drink problem which you are ignoring? *why do you need to drink secretly- is it because you feel guilty- or because your husband is violent towards you as he thinks this is the best way to deal with what he sees as the "problem"? *why are you afraid to be open and honest with him? Is it because he is controlling and you are scared of him?

If you feel you are in control of what you drink, then why did you need to lie to him/pretend that you weren't drinking? Either it IS a problem for you, and you need to face that and get help, or HE is the problem, and you need to address that.

LittleJingleBellas · 23/12/2008 10:26

I think those of you who are putting the behaviour of the victim of Domestic Violence under the spotlight here, need to remember that whatever the provocation, this act of violence is not acceptable, not on any level.

And you also need to distinguish between hiding booze because you have a drink problem and are feeling guilty about drinking, or because you are frightened of what your partner will say/ do about it but don't have a drink problem per se. It's actually still not clear from the OP's posts, whether she does or doesn't have a genuine drink problem in the sense of not having proper control over her drinking. What is very clear and very obvious, is that her partner has a) a problem with controlling his behaviour with her and b) is conducting a really nasty guilt campaign against her - questioning her parenting and blaming her for their DC's SN. If throwing beer at your DP doesn't ring alarm bells for you, then those things really, really ought to.

The Duluth Model is useful here. he's doing a few things on the list, isn't he?

TotalChaos · 23/12/2008 10:27

agree Bella.

LittleJingleBellas · 23/12/2008 10:29

honestfriend - or it could be both (she could have a problem and so could he)

In any case, neither cancels out the other IYSWIM

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 23/12/2008 10:30

totally agree with bella

OP, how are you this morning?

honestfriend · 23/12/2008 11:01

well, yes- of course it could be both- I wasn't meaning "tick one box"!!

mediocrebronze · 23/12/2008 11:14

I can't work out whether the drinkings caused by the abusive man or the mans reached the end of his tether due to his drinking. Or a bit of both.
Only the OP can really say and its unfair on us to say he sounds like a monster etc if its not necessarily the case.

LittleJingleBellas · 23/12/2008 14:19

He doesn't sound like a monster, he sounds like an abuser.

Abusers aren't monsters, they're men like any other. Hence the possibility of women putting up with abuse and not recognising it, because they define abuse as "other" and therefore nothing to do with their partners.

Original poster
AmIWhatAndWhy · 23/12/2008 16:05

I'm sorry I haven't been back to my thread but I've had a nightmare day and been trying to work things out in my head.

This morning he said he wants me to move to my mums house for a while as he can't trust me to look after the children. I can't understand it as firstly my parents work longer hours than he does, and secondly it seems like he's grabbed an opportunity to get rid of us.

He has been moaning a lot lately about how tight money is and all the great holidays etc his single friends have but I just thought that was normal angst especially as he is under loads of work pressure at the moment.

Today he left me with exactly enough money to top up our electricity meter and to buy a 4 pint of milk. We have lots of food in, but that's not the point. I had planned to get the last little bits for christmas today (we don't even have wrapping paper) and when I called him at work he was very blunt and has refused to go to Lidl for the things we are yet to buy for christmas dinner.

I feel desperately sad, I've messed up and so has he. I can't bear the thought of christmas now.

OP posts:
MissisBoot · 23/12/2008 16:27

Oh gosh - I don't know what to suggest.

Don't move to your mums though.

Sorry can't offer any more advice atm.

Stay strong.

Deeeja · 23/12/2008 17:04

Really sorry AMIwhatandwhy. It sounds as though he is setting you up for another excuse to abuse you. He is going to accuse you of not being able to give your children a decent christmas, and is setting you up for a fall. He will blame you for all the bits that are missing on the day. He clearly has an agenda. You have not messed up, but he certainly has!
Please be careful, I hope someone comes on here with some advice and more knowledge. I was married to an abusive man once, and he would do similar things.
Big hugs, really, huge hugs!
Will be thinking of you.
x

honestfriend · 23/12/2008 17:04

don't move out.

He is obviously very controlling.

do you not have any money of your own- or your own account, or access to a joint account?

bellaBuonNatalevita · 23/12/2008 17:19

oh bless you, am sending hugs your way, I am thinking of you too.

XmasFairyGrrrl · 23/12/2008 17:23

don't move out. ask him if he'll consider relationship counselling, and regardless of what his response is get down Citizens Advice and find out what rights you have regarding your home, kids, money etc.

OrmIrian · 23/12/2008 17:28

What a nasty git! How dare he suggest you are unfit to look after your DC .

I can't see that alcohol isn't the problem, he is. It could be anything, it just happens to be beer he has picked on.

wrapstar · 23/12/2008 17:33

It is WICKED to blame you for your son being autistic. Just unforgiveable. If my dh had ever said anything like that that would have been the end of our relationship. Boom. Gone. He's a really nasty fucker isn't he? Can't believe all the blame the victim stuff going on here. Appalling.

dittany · 23/12/2008 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.