I just had a can of beer thrown in my face by DP and think I deserved it.

[AmIWhatAndWhy]

I was going to namechange but don't have time, the lovely lot that know me in real life from mumsnet will, I hope, not think less of me.

I think I deserved it as I've secretly drinked in the past. I had pnd with dd and for good reasons really. I did adress it and thought I was over it, but with DP I still have to hide it.

Today I had done all I needed to (including getting his christmas presents)and after being out all day with the two kids really just wanted to sit down for a cold beer or two. Fool me, I bought an 8 pack thinking I'd tell him there was 6 so I drank one and had opened another just as he came in. Don't ask me why but I hid it in the pasta pan I'd just put on the side after doing the kids tea with a plate on top. He came in and wanted a sandwich and found it.

So as I was hoovering our room as he insisted when he got in he started washing up and found it. I don't know who is right here but I wish I had a friend to give me a big hug hug.

sapphire

especially if I placed it sideways

joking aside, I posted early on this thread that having beer chucked in your face = assault

I have not had my mind changed, anything else is a side issue (possibly a serious one) but nevertheless that does not excuse abusive behaviour

No but the way you posted implied that 1) the drink prob was serious and 2) the other one wasn't.

Apologies if I'm over-interpreting that, I probably am. Just making sure there's no ambiguity.

Quite right JingleBellas. Terrible that people can't see abusive behaviour for what it is. When a man starts attacking a woman, I don't think there is a way back. And to accuse someone of causing their child's SN is also very wicked and wrong.
OP ignore those who want to excuse your partner's actions. THink very seriously about what he has done and what kind of life you want to lead. Do you want to live like this? Good luck.

This isn't about drinking this is about your basic right not to be abused in your own home regardless of what you have done and the obvious lack of respect he has for you.

He had no right to do this to you at all regardless of what you had done and it is assault - what woudl you do if a stranger did this to you someone who didn't supposedly love you - that is the question all women who are abused and blame themsleves shoudld ask.

Hello, gosh I can't possibly comment on everything that has been said, so I'll just tell you my news.

He did do the shop and he turned down an inviation for drinks out last night (I saw on facebook).

We had a really good talk, he said he's worried about me slipping into alcoholism, but he doesn't think it's a problem for now. Also he has massive anxiety's about DS. He apologised (and I know he meant it) for what he said about DS. I told him he should never ever throw that in my face again.

He also said it was wrong to throw the beer in my face, but he is under so much pressure he doesn't want to have to worry about what's happening at home when he's at work. And I can see his perspective, for all he knew I could have had loads of cans before that one.

We agreed there are big issues we need to work through, I am going to see my family GP in the new year and he is going to see ours for advice on how to handle his anger.

We had quite a nice evening after that and watched a film together, but we both know it's not rosy. We will try to make it rosythough, just for the childrens sake. I am more confident we can resolve these things after we talked but I'm keeping my eyes wide open.

Thankyou for your support, I will keep you updated. Have a lovely christmas everyone!

glad you are sounding a bit more chipper, hope xmas goes OK.

Well as I say I have my eyes wide open now.

I will look up options for us if things do go wrong, and will make sure he see the GP. I'm really sighing with relief as I had such awful thoughts about how christmas would go.

AmIWhat, I am glad you are feeling better. I do, however, echo what Dittany has said.

To quote an MN "pearl of wisdom", judge him now on his actions, not on his words.

Don't let it lie until the next time. If you feel you need some guidance regarding the drinking, you pursue that for yourself.

Make sure he knows you will continue to consider your options and are primed to take it further if he loses his temper in such an abusive way again.

Try to keep talking so he doesn't bottle up his frustrations (not excusing him at all, however) and be kind to each other over xmas.

Good luck xx

For get the hovering. That?s a red herring. I am a recovering alcoholic and see some very telling signs in your posts. I?m sorry, but I do.

You are both in the wrong, but I think you might be more in the wrong. Yes he threw something at you in anger, not right in any circumstance, but if you have a drink problem which it sounds like you do, and your family have been threw the trauma of that, he is going to be feeling very betrayed at this moment and is probably weighing up his options. Believe me throwing a beer or asking someone to do the hovering is nothing to living with an addict in the throes of self pity and denial. I cannot say for certain that this is an accurate picture of you ? only you will know if it rings any bells. And if it does you need to first accept the magnitude of your problems, of his feelings of betrayal right now and the effort you need to put in to making things right. Forget xmas. This is more important. Make it peaceful and stable for your kids and then make plans to address your problems sp next xmas can be truly different.

Yes he was wrong to throw the can but you cannot absolve yourself of your own wrong doing here. All this seems to be a bit of a tactic to get the heat off you and make you feel better in the moment, which I know, is very sting when you know you?ve really hurt someone you love because of your own stupidity.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. There are a lot of sympathetic posts here for you to reflect on and I do have some sympathy for you. But it also sounds like you might also be in denial about your own behaviour and trying to shift the blame and focus just to get through a bad moment. But you created this by drinking and lying.

I know how bad this can make you feel, but if you want to get well you cannot avoid that. You must see yourself for what you have become, if you want to get better.

That?s my advice. Take it or leave it and good luck

Well he was meant to finsh work at one today, but rang me to say he was busy so they are keeping them there for longer.

I've just rung to see when he will be home and his colleague told me he'd gone for 'a lovely christmas drink'.

I bet if I hadn't found this ut he would have told me he was busy working the whole time.

I't christmas eve fgs, I wanted to go out for a walk with the DC then do our (bargain at lidl!) gingerbread house. Instead I've been waiting for him to come home and he's not even called to let me know.

As I said, my eyes are wide open, and hint of nastiness when he gets in and I'll be sending him out of the house.

I feel shit now.

The beers were bought for him, he asked me to get them (he refuses to go to the shops on his way home). I would have probably had one tops, and he would drink 3.

He has a massive bottle of whiskey in at the moment which he asked his dad for as a xmas present, he drinks at least one a night.

I'm desperate t talk to him on his mobile bt can't get through.

I am thinking I should just go out to the park now, go feed the ducks etc and stuff worrying about him.

I really don't think your typical partner of a recovering dependent drinker would ask them to go out and buy alcohol for them and say, fine, drink with me but not in other circumstances . He is coming over as somewhat of a selfish git really..... I mean, he won't go to the shops but expects Iam to drag two pre-schoolers, one of whom is on the autistic spectrum and I imagine would have challenging behaviour when shopping..

anyway - I think try and keep Xmas on an even keel - as the country goes on semi-shutdown so it will be hard for you to get advice through official channels until the new year. And try and think what support you need - it is phenomenally stressful when you realise your child has significant special needs.

Well just going on your OP I think your first instincts were right. You maybe did deserve it. A lot going on here that hasn't been said obvioulsy.

piss off monkeytrousers

it has been acknowledged by the Op herself that there are some issues with alcohol and a definite history here

but no-one deserves to be assaulted, no matter what the provocation

Oh Monkey NOBODY DESERVES to have beer thrown at them, certainly not in this case. You know that and are just being annoying.

if he's lying about his own drinking - such as going out with mates for a drink but he'd have told you he was working, he has just as much of a problem as you have.

LOL Any fucker. Calm down. She said it first. And getting a beer thrown in your face is not domestic violence. This seems like a v troubled couple is all. Lots going on that isn;t being said. The OP wanted symnpathy, she has it. I am offering mho whether you like it or not

The park was closed, I guess the gatekeeper needs a holiday just as we all do!

I haven't the energy to justify my drinking, I won't make excuses for DP though. He wasn't totally lying, they do have to work until 5pm but he took a 'long lunch' as he had nothing left to do.

I just hope we have a good christmas. Best wishes toyou all.

Er, Monkeytrousers, having something thrown at you is domestic violence. Anything which a stranger would be arrested for if they did it to you, is not not domestic violence if it's done by someone who lives with you. Stop condoning abuse, it's wilful and harmful and from someone who calls herself a feminist, frankly disgraceful.

"But you created this by drinking and lying."

And once again we get the victim being blamed for her abuse.

No wonder 1 in 4 women in this country lives with DV, with these sorts of attitudes.

OP, I also don't like the "I was wrong but..." tone of your DH. Has he agreed that if it happens again he'll be happy for you to call the police and press charges? (After all, if it's not DV, he'll have nothing to worry about, will he?)