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Original poster

Following on from all the recent threads about affairs, what percentage of wives....

186 replies

brazenhussy · 18/12/2008 23:16

find out that their husbands are having affairs?
How many men have long term affairs and don't get caught?

Am asking this because i am in a long term relationship with a married man who isn't exactly careful about his actions but is confident that his wife has no clue what is going on.

She wouldn't have to be sherlock Holmes to find the evidence if she did suddenly suspect. Is this unusual or do many wives never discover what is staring them in the face?

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 18/12/2008 23:19

I think it is about 39.62%

WhirlingStirling · 18/12/2008 23:26

Nice one!

RandomStranger · 18/12/2008 23:27

Does he have children

WhirlingStirling · 18/12/2008 23:27

I think that some want to know and would be totally gutted to find out and some just wouldn't want to know because it would upset the apple cart.

isawmodernartkissingsantaclaus · 18/12/2008 23:28

Have you got children?

Original poster
brazenhussy · 18/12/2008 23:39

he doesn't have children and i am divorced and have children

OP posts:
SlapDashMum · 19/12/2008 13:28

Do you feel sorry for his wife? You might think if she doesn't know then it isn't affecting her but she will be receiving less love and attention and closeness from him because he is being distracted by you and his thoughts are being split between you. I wouldn't have posted anything but I have a horrible impression that you are kind of pleased with yourself and almost showing off!

I am married and had a bit of a thing with another man and during that time I know I neglected DH because my focus was elsewhere. I know that he was less happy when I was doing that by comparing it to how much happier he seems now that I am no longer 'messing around' and fully focussed on him. I wouldn't want to show off about what I did, I'm ashamed of how I've selfishly treated the people involved and not cared enough about their feelings, although I know I did it because of my emotional problems at the time and feeling crap about myself. Do you feel ok about yourself that you would settle for someone who is with someone else and can never be fully yours? Don't you deserve more than that? You might not believe you could get someone who is single but I bet you could.

scorpio1 · 19/12/2008 13:29

nice.

SlapDashMum · 19/12/2008 13:42

Having said that, I know it is hard if you are in love with him (are you?) and accidentally fell in love with him rather than actively seeking out someone you knew was married. Leaving him would be like tearing off a limb, but I still think you should consider everyone's feelings and think about whether you need to work on your self esteem because would this have happened if you felt ok about yourself?

LiarsPoker · 19/12/2008 13:43

I think a lot of women suspect it but don't want to know because it would shake their core beliefs and upset the status quo (dinner parties, sex 2x a week, blah)

I had an affair with my boss and though the clues where there she turned a blind eye. 6 months after meeting him he had moved in with me and told her he was renting in the city where we worked "for convenience" and she just accepted it. Less than a year after the affair begun he had moved out and filed.

We are now married. I wouldn't accept half the crap she took from him. One would ask questions if one's husband would rent a house in London, no? Whatever the response here, oooh, someone's having an affair... It does happen, it won't go away. Some wifes prioritize their social status over their personal dignity.

SlapDashMum · 19/12/2008 13:45

...and will you ever fully respect yourself while you are doing this and know that it is wrong?

overdraft · 19/12/2008 13:49

She either knows and couldn't give a shit or she is a lovely trusting person who would never belive in a million years that her shitbag of a husband could do such a thing.

So why is he leaving clues for her to find?

StretchmarkSantaClaws · 19/12/2008 13:52

You seem determined to rub in our faces the fact you are shagging a married man

SlapDashMum · 19/12/2008 13:52

Yes Liars, it does happen but I don't think that means you should deny that it was wrong and that you behaved badly and slag off his wife for being 'weak' for not wanting to face up to having her heart broken! You seem to have contempt for the poor woman! If someone doesn't have loads of 'dignity' or self esteem does that make it ok to steal their DH?

tvfriend · 19/12/2008 13:52

Liarspoker- how do you know you're 'not accepting half the crap she took from him'? How do you know he's not cheating on you?

ginnny · 19/12/2008 13:53

I think if you trust your dh/dp then no, you don't suspect every little thing, BUT as soon as one lie is discovered all the rest of them slot into place like pieces into a puzzle.
Also, if (like me) you have been cheated on in the past you know what to look out for. If you haven't then these 'clues' seem totally insignificant.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing
Noone will get away with it forever, these things have a habit of coming back to bite you.

hecAteAMillionMincePies · 19/12/2008 13:54

to answer q - not enough.

Why do men have affairs?

Why is this married man being such a bastard? Does he have no balls at all?

Why is it so hard for people to just be honest? If you want out - get out! Why go behind someone's back? You either want to be with them or you don't and if you don't, just have the fucking guts to pack a bloody bag.

So I take it your married man wants you both? So he's got the wife and kids at home, and he gets to play happy families, and he's got an extra place to stick his dick when the mood takes him.

How great for him. What a lovely, lucky, great guy he is. Congrats, you've got yourself a fab man there.

SlapDashMum · 19/12/2008 13:54

Yes tvfriend, if he is bastard enough to do that to one person why would he not be bastard enough to do it to another!

georgimama · 19/12/2008 13:56

Or maybe Liar, your husband's first wife took her marriage vows seriously, and preferred to try and make her marriage work despite her husband's adultery.

You sound very pleased with yourself (as does OP). As my grand dad said about cheaters, "if one's not enough, ten won't be too many." Don't be so sure he isn't, hasn't, or won't cheat on you.

0987654321 · 19/12/2008 13:57

I think the key thing to remember is that if you get involved with someone who is willing to be unfaithful to their long term partners, chances are it will also happen to you.

Sorry, I have no sympathy whatsoever with someone who is having an affair with a married person.

hecAteAMillionMincePies · 19/12/2008 14:00

oh, reread, he's got no kids. Yet.

Still a cowardly, sneaky, gutless thing to do. If you don't want to be with someone, just leave. I have nothing but contempt for those who sneak around because they are so cowardly they can't hold up their hands and say "this isn't working for me, sorry". Instead, they sneak around with a total lack of respect for anyone involved.

JingleBennysAndJooniper · 19/12/2008 14:02

Good posts Hecate

Total lack of respect for the wife, OW and themselves.

Do OWs not have the self-respect to want something better for themselves too?

georgimama · 19/12/2008 14:03

To totally generalise, Hecate, I think most men won't leave a relationship unless there is another one to go to, whereas women will leave a poor relationship to be single.

tvfriend · 19/12/2008 14:03

They've no need to leave have they? If they can find someone willing enough to shag them on the side, why give up having someone else who can can look after them, iron their shirts, buy their families christmas presents etc etc.

LiarsPoker · 19/12/2008 14:06

Not slagging her off at all. Just stating the facts, there where loads of clues, but she decidedly ignored them. Yes, maybe she took her vows seriously (though snogging the face off her neighbour 2 years before didn't quite seem to indicate that). I guess having a rich banker husband has its perks if you don't have the ability or education to generate income for yourself nor any interest in what he does and slagging him off in public to friends and colleagues

Lots of divorced wives love to console themselfes with Goldsmith's comment or the steadfast belief that their husband will do the same to the next wife because they cannot face up to the fact that yes, indeed, there may be something intrinsically wrong with themselves and their relationship with their husbands, not with the man or OW itself.