Following on from all the recent threads about affairs, what percentage of wives....

[brazenhussy]

find out that their husbands are having affairs?
How many men have long term affairs and don't get caught?

Am asking this because i am in a long term relationship with a married man who isn't exactly careful about his actions but is confident that his wife has no clue what is going on.

She wouldn't have to be sherlock Holmes to find the evidence if she did suddenly suspect. Is this unusual or do many wives never discover what is staring them in the face?

georgimama - i actually said that I don't have low self esteem

Custardo and scorpio - he didn't lead me to believe he was seperated, he actually was seperated, she had moved out of the house before we met and I know that for a fact.

dittany - that is just my point, he doesn't have to lie to her, she just doesn't seem to be interested in his whereabouts.

I think your behaviour is dispicable, when this can of worms gets open, dont expect any respect from anyone, any decent person wont give it to you, and you dont deserve it, and if you do end up together (because you aint together now, your just his bit on the side) make sure you are always looking over your shoulder for signs of his next bit on the side, and if yu are going to say you would trust him, then you are a bigger fool than you look already.

Good post Dittany.
Sums up nicely what is actually meant when someone says "what a catch" in a sarcastic tone !

dittany - I didn't want to hurt her anymore than I am doing already

I didn't want to hurt her anymore than I am doing already

then walk away, put someone other than yourself first.

"that is just my point, he doesn't have to lie to her, she just doesn't seem to be interested in his whereabouts."

And I think our point is that you don't know what he is telling her to explain his absences, only what he tells you he tells her (or doesn't).

Or, and I sincerely hope this is the case, she knows exactly what kind of a shit she is married to, and is biding her time before screwing him right royally over in the divorce.

It's becuase she trusts him, i bet, not becuase she doesn't care.

When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy. Oh the Karma.

FGS, why do people in 'unhappy' relationships always have a Plan B?

If it's bad, have the courage of your convictions and get out.

OP, in my honest opinion it is amoral to continue such a relationship once you are fully apprised of the circumstances - I don't want to come over all Victorian, but seriously, if people have given their word to each other and have chosen the path of marriage and fidelity, shouldn't they be brave enough to terminate the arrangement without a convenient exit strategy?

Well yes maybe I am naive, I obviously don't know what he tells her when they are alone but I've been with him plenty of times when he's been on the phone to her and he doesn't lie to her then.

You know what dittany, I have just realised that yes, i do tell myself she isn't interested in order to make myself feel better about the situation - thank-you for pointing that out.

He doesn't lie to her when he phones her in front of you?

Really?

(Why does he do this, by the way? More ego trips for you both?)

So he sits there on the phone to her in front of you, and says "hello darling, yes Brazen and I have just been shagging in the back of the car, how was your day? Did you get little Johnny's new shoes?"

You are delusional.

Are you trying to work out if her inability to piece things together really means she knows but chooses not to force the issue, and therefore is condoning the affair- and in that sense making life easier for you and her H?

Do you want him to leave her?
Is he wanting tp leave her?
Is this going to work long term for you both- or is it a fling?

What do you want to happen?

It never ceases to amaze me:
a) how many people chose to IGNORE their marriage vows and
b) how many women like to brag about the fact they are having affairs.

It's not big, it's not clever, and with any luck it will come and bite you.

Hi honestfriend

I just couldn't work out how he is able to carry on like he does without her suspecting and to ask others if some men don't ever get found out - there was nothing more to the OP than that.

No, I don't want him to leave her but unfortunately, he does want to and it is causing problems for us at the moment.

I do think it would be long term if that is what i wanted.

And lastly, I really don't know what I want, well actually, yes i do but will be flamed even more if i were to say so will decline.

thank-you for diffusing the situation a little.

what i will never understand about affairs is this - for me to love someone i have to also respect them, i could have no respect whatsoever for a man who lies, cheats, sneaks about etc - how do the ow/m get over this feeling? - do they not feel that the behaviour of the other person towards someone they once purported to love is wrong?

i actually think that the people who end up together after an affair deserve each other, slime balls the lot of 'em.

if your marriage/relationship is not working, unhappy, whatever, do the decent thing and go, BEFORE you end up lying, cheating etc.

He wants to leave but you don't want him to? So? What's stopping him?

He is quite capable of leaving her to be on his own isn't he? It doesn't matter whether you are interested in having a full time relationship with him or not. Can you not see this?

Obviously, as we have all said, he is a pathetic specimen who is not willing to leave his wife unless he has someone to leave to, presumably so he won't have to look after himself.

OK
So she had walked out when you met.
And then she came back but you two love birds were "in too deep" to split up and have carried on shagging behind her back.

But why did he just not say 'actually whilst you were gone I fell for someone else2- why ever not?
There seems to be no reason whatsoever why you could not be together. If he wanted to. It seems he would rather that he would rather be with her than you.

Why does he not leave her if he loves you?
Why?

OK - just seen the x-posts .

Then why does he not leave her regardless of what your choices are?

And why would you not encourage him to end his dishonest dishonourable relationship with her and give her a chance to meet a nice man?

you guessed it georgimama - he doesn't want to live alone.

To be fair, pagwatch, it has been me who was against him telling her because i couldn't offer him what he wanted and didn't want to see him out on his ear so to speak.

You try being fair, then, and instead of thinking of preserving his creature comforts with her just because you aren't willing to provide them, start thinking of the loyal wife you are helping him to betray.

What a pievce of work you are.