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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Following on from all the recent threads about affairs, what percentage of wives....

186 replies

brazenhussy · 18/12/2008 23:16

find out that their husbands are having affairs?
How many men have long term affairs and don't get caught?

Am asking this because i am in a long term relationship with a married man who isn't exactly careful about his actions but is confident that his wife has no clue what is going on.

She wouldn't have to be sherlock Holmes to find the evidence if she did suddenly suspect. Is this unusual or do many wives never discover what is staring them in the face?

OP posts:
AMIStletoekiss · 19/12/2008 14:08

brazenhussy What would you like us to say? That most of their wives find out - so he'll have to leave her and be yours full-time? Or that lots of women don't realise, and you'll be able to carry on shagging him without having to have a proper relationship?

Some men have affairs. Some wives find out, some don't. Sometimes men leave their wives and go on to have faithful relationships with their mistress, others don't.

There's a saying "When a man leaves his wife for his mistress, he creates a vacancy", so you should be wary of what his future behaviour to you will be like, even if you don't give a fuck about what you are doing to his wife.

pagwatch · 19/12/2008 14:08

The whole thing leaves me a little bemused.
Why would anyone want to 'win' a man who has daily proved themselves to be a bit seedy and not very principaled and something of a liar.

Do women really sit there thinking 'oh he's so dreamy with his selfishnesss and his ability to lie with conviction and his really really poor moral compass. Gosh he is the one I wish to step into old age with. What a catch'.

Its odd to me.

hecAteAMillionMincePies · 19/12/2008 14:09

So there's nothing wrong with a man who does not have the guts to end his marriage if he realises that he has feelings for another woman and wishes to pursue that relationship. There's nothing wrong with a man who sleeps with another woman behind his wife's back instead of leaving before beginning another relationship? Nothing? Really great, fine upstanding guy, eh?

Who did you say was not facing upto the facts?

tvfriend · 19/12/2008 14:12

The point that has been made is that men don't tend to leave unless they have something else to go to. If your DH's relationship and wife were so dreadful why did he not just leave years before instead of doing a bit of a trial run wth you first to see if he could be bothered?

tvfriend · 19/12/2008 14:14

that message was for the highly educated and able liarspoker btw

harpsiheraldangelssing · 19/12/2008 14:22

"Some wifes (sic) prioritize their social status over their personal dignity."
LiarsPoker what a vile thing to say. Some wives trust their husbands, some wives are in love with their husbands, some wives have children and a family to take into account and don't want to go through the pain and horror of confronting an affair. WHY do you think it is the wife's responsbility to bring it to a head? it is the responsbility of the perosn having the affair to sort it out and not the wronged partner ffs. I would say that shagging a married man and starting an affair and behaving like a vile adulterer is pretty undignified, wouldn't you? to put the blame anywhere else is just pathetic and delusional.
some people have no sense of personal responsibility.

ginnny · 19/12/2008 14:29

Well said Harpsi...

OrmIrian · 19/12/2008 14:30

"Some wifes (sic) prioritize their social status over their personal dignity."

No it's called trust. I couldn't function in my marriage if I had to doubt everything my DH did. I wouldn't assume that renting a property near work = setting up a shag pad. How do people cope with the everyday worry and fret of life if they don't implicitly trust the person they've chosen as a life partner?

If that's how most marriage's function I think I'm with solidgoldbrass re monogamy .

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 19/12/2008 14:33

The married men who have affairs and the tarts who are happy to have a relationship with a married man probably deserve each other. I always hope the misery they have caused comes back on them 10 fold.

Anna8888 · 19/12/2008 14:34

Wives have affairs too.

FiveDollarShake · 19/12/2008 14:38

Hussey...cant you find a man who's single and available?

dittany · 19/12/2008 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

georgimama · 19/12/2008 14:59

Of course they do, Anna, and they are pretty low too. The OP specifically asked about men so that was how responses were pitched.

Lying to your partner is low. Sneering at them and mocking them for believing you is even worse.

isawmodernartkissingsantaclaus · 19/12/2008 15:01

Whatever about his relationship and morals...

What about yours? How are you raising your children? Have you got sons, or daughters? And what are you teaching them about life and love?

What do you wish for them as adults?

SlapDashMum · 19/12/2008 15:06

Sorry this doesn't really follow on from recent posts but the thought just occurred to me - some people think it is the married person who is committing the crime rather than the other one in the affair but you could think of the other one as committing the crime of stealing love and attention away from the wife/husband. The one who is married is saying by their actions that their wife/husband is not enough for them.

AMIStletoekiss · 19/12/2008 15:12

Morally, I'd say both sides are as bad as the other, but sometimes the OW (or OM) maybe has the excuse that the married person lied to them with the old "not really a marriage any more, she knows and it's fine, just staying together for the children, actually we're separated" etc lines. In which case they're a bit stupid maybe, but less culpable.

AccioPinotGrigio · 19/12/2008 15:22

Oh God - are you serious. Have you read any of the many, many threads on Mumsnet from women whose husbands are having affairs. You are a numbskull.

littlemiss29 · 19/12/2008 15:53

BH, my ex hub was having one and I had a feeling but no proof! Until his started to leave hotel receipts in our car - the Idiot!

Left him 2 yrs ago and like U I got into a thing with a married man. He had a daughter but not with his wife (had her b4 he got married). Was with him for 8 months then decided to call it a day after returning from my sunshine holiday where I got to clear my thoughts and appreciate myself again

Anyway the point I'm trying to make it that b4 i left my ex I was like a lot of the other MN's here and would frown upon the fact that another woman was sleepin with somone's hubby. BUT, having done it myself i've obviously changed my views.

What you're doin is wrong and I know you know this. I really do hope that one day U find the strength to realise what you're worth babe b4 it's too late. Because trust me - it'll all end in tears. I was just fortunate that I was able to just walk away from it all.

Take Care hun xxx

Salla · 19/12/2008 16:17

Why do you believe all these stories on this board? I doubt very much they are true, just some bored housewife trying to wind you all up.

Original poster
brazenhussy · 19/12/2008 16:17

Thank-you for all your replies, even the expected slatings have been useful!

The point of the question wasn't to 'show off' or 'rub anyones nose' in the fact that I am stealing someones husband, it came from a genuine interest in the fact that my man seem to be able to get away with such a lot so easily during the time we have been having an affair - weekends/nights away, texts and phone calls at any time of the day or night, being able to get out of the house at a moments notice etc and wondered if this was common.

Even when he accidentally left his MSN open and she messaged me to ask me who I was as she'd seen my name in his contacts, he was able to explain me away as someone who he had contacted to arrange a christmas surprise for her!!!

I am totally gobsmacked that she hasn't pieced this all together - and no, I don't want her to, just wanted others opinion.

I am not proud of my situation but he was seperated from her when we met and by the time she had come home, we were both in too deep.

I am in no doubt that I could find someone single if I tried and do not suffer from low self esteem. These things happen.

OP posts:
Tortington · 19/12/2008 16:21

oh he told you he was seperated did he pmsl!

georgimama · 19/12/2008 16:23

Exactly Brazen, the poor women trusts her husband.

"Low self esteem" my arse. I'd find that easier to believe if you didn't post on a parenting site under the name "Brazenhussy."

scorpio1 · 19/12/2008 16:23

some of us stupidly trust(ed) our husbands; hence why they could go out, use the phone, etc. Saying they are seperated is common.

dittany · 19/12/2008 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rubyslippersisappearinginpanto · 19/12/2008 16:29

"I am not proud of my situation but he was seperated from her when we met and by the time she had come home, we were both in too deep""

is this not the oldest line in the book

oh,and about being in "too deep" = that is crap too

you are making excuses for your behaviour and his as if there is an outside force making you do this

i am sure that the wife does know, on some level, but if there are children involved it is not that easy to break up a marriage

oh, and once a cheater always a cheater