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Original poster

Following on from all the recent threads about affairs, what percentage of wives....

186 replies

brazenhussy · 18/12/2008 23:16

find out that their husbands are having affairs?
How many men have long term affairs and don't get caught?

Am asking this because i am in a long term relationship with a married man who isn't exactly careful about his actions but is confident that his wife has no clue what is going on.

She wouldn't have to be sherlock Holmes to find the evidence if she did suddenly suspect. Is this unusual or do many wives never discover what is staring them in the face?

OP posts:
pagwatch · 19/12/2008 17:15

oh good grief.
He doesn't want to be alone.
What a sad ass.

You should re think your strategy of stopping him from telling her. She desrves to know that her husband is a wanker - whoever the messenger.

Fleurlechaunte · 19/12/2008 17:16

You sound like a right cow who has just come on here to get "advice" in order to talk boringly at length about your scummy "relationship". Get yourself dolled up tonight and go out and find a single man why don't you?

Original poster
brazenhussy · 19/12/2008 17:17

yes, georgimama, I think we have already established that - thank-you for pointing it out yet again!

OP posts:
dittany · 19/12/2008 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pagwatch · 19/12/2008 17:19

But seriusly, in the light of what people have said are you reconsideringthe role you are playing in endlessly duping this woman.
If you don't want him and he is clearly using her , are you going to reconsider assiting him in his deception.

It isn't good you know

WhirlingStirling · 19/12/2008 17:19

Who are you to say whether she suspects or not. The fact that she contacted you via MSN means she suspects. She may just be accumulating evidence. Dont delude yourself that she believed whatever you told her.

She may be crying herself to sleep every night. You really have no idea what goes on in her life.

ALso, you said she snogged someone 2 years ago. That's hardly the same as a full on affair.

honestfriend · 19/12/2008 17:32

I suspect from what you are saying, that you are happy to tootle on as you are- and that you don't see it as long term? Your reply to me implies he is keener than you are, you seem a little detached in it all, and that for whatever reasons, you don't really want it as a permanent relationship.

If that is so, are you being fair to all concerned- especially yourself?

Is this situation liable to cause more or less hurt the longer it goes on?

What are you gaining by continuing with it?

I am not judging you- these things are never black and white, even if they seem so at first.

I once had a relationship- not fully sexual- with a married man whose wife HAD left him when we met but then she came back and he didn't tell me for months as he knew I would leave him.

I am not condoning what you are doing, but my feelings on these things are, there but for the grace of God...........

Laugs · 19/12/2008 17:35

The fact that ou are willing (happy?) to be the other woman is alien to me, but no matter.

The behaviour your describing in him reminds me A LOT of a friend of mine who is a serial cheater. She is a real commitment-phobe, but rather than doing what a normal commitment-phobe would do and not commit, she finds herself in serious, long-term relationships time and again, and then cheating with other 'serious' boyfriends.

I have been with her when she was curled up in the arms of her lover while chatting on the phone to her boyfriend. When we lived together, I have had to move flowers that had been sent to her from one guy when another was coming round. And loads of other similar scenarios.

These were situations that were avoidable, even in the context of having an affair, but she seemed to either get off the excitement of it, or want to get caught.

If I were you I'd think his lack of discretion with his wife: chatting to her on the phone while he's with you etc shows he doesn't really care enough about either of you.

Sorry BrazenHussy, but this is all about him. Don't let yourself be his excuse for leaving a relationship, you'll get stuck with him until he moves on to the next one.

JingleBennysAndJooniper · 19/12/2008 19:26

Can I respectfully ask you to read this

and wonder if you are the other woman/women she mentions.

Yes they have a DD, but maybe your sad immoral inadequate fucker does too

I really have nothing but contempt for you at the moment.

JingleBennysAndJooniper · 19/12/2008 19:29

Sorry - that was probably a bit harsh.

But you are aiding and abbetting him in deceiving her because "he doesn't want to be alone". She is a human being ffs. If he is telling you the truth, then when did she ever deserve to be treated like that?

Give me strength

HolyGuacamole · 19/12/2008 19:46

Disgraceful behaviour BH.

Seems you got together when they were split, she came back and you accepted that and still wanted to be with him on that basis. Best of all, he gets away with it because you are there in the background not making demands on him and he can have both. Why would any woman ever want to share a man? If she knew about you would she still have came back to him? The only person being cheated here is the wife because you and him are the only ones fully aware that there are 3 of you in the relationship (that you know of).

I fear for your children and the lessons you are showing them on what is acceptable in relationships.

Shame on you and shame on the husband.

AMIStletoekiss · 19/12/2008 19:47

And why exactly do you want to be this guy's bit on the side? You don't want a proper relationship with him, but don't want to stop shagging him either. Is he an amazing lover then? I would have thought a single woman could get a good shag without all the hassle of being the other woman.

dittany · 19/12/2008 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SlapDashMum · 19/12/2008 19:53

So you don't feel enough for him to want him to leave his wife and be with you properly? You are happy to ruin another woman's life for the sake of a bit of sex with a man who you don't really feel much for? It seems a bit like mugging someone for the sake of a couple of quid!

Kristingle · 19/12/2008 19:54

why are so many mistresses so gullible? dont they realise that these men lie to them just as easily as they do to their wives?

we don't sleep together
we are seperated
I'm only staying for the children
she's crazy/neurotic

cant they see what's staring them in the face??

spicemonster · 19/12/2008 19:59

Two salutary tales that occur to me: My mum's friend has been having an affair with a married man for 20 or so years (it was never the right time to leave his wife apparently because of the children). She recently had a stroke and has been told to rest by her doctor. But she has no one to look after her. She has spent 20 years of her life being there for a man who isn't going to be there for her when she needs him.

I also bumped into a friend the other day who had an affair for several years and then her lover died very suddenly before he'd got round to leaving his wife (too difficult, blah blah blah). No one was interested in her grief or supported her. She couldn't even go to the funeral.

You mistresses are fools.

BellsCarolsNSleighs · 19/12/2008 20:03

In answer to the OP I think a high percentage of wives do actually know.. they just ignore it or are conned by the husband when he says it has stopped.. .. or have too much invested to change things etc.

I doubt very much the the wife doesn't know.
And If he lies to her.. he IME will be lieing to you too..

lowenergylightbulb · 19/12/2008 21:36

My friend was married to and had kids with a guy who had a long term affair.

He lied to my friend and the other woman. She got the OW round one night and they compared notes!

My mate is beautiful, confident and sparky - the OW thought she would be a meek little slob. She'd been told that my mate had let herself go!!

The OW had been told that my friend was only interested in a platonic relationship - my friend had been shagging her hubby three times a week...at least!!!

Blokes who lie and can run 2 relationships are a bad bet. The 2nd relationship will never be 'real'.

whomovedmychocolate · 19/12/2008 21:52

I'm not going to flame your BrazenHussy because I know a bit about this having been on all three sides (cheating on my first husband ; cheated on; and being the other woman to a married man). This was prekids, a long time and another husband ago. This one is for keeps and I would never cheat on him (am too fucking tired for a start!)

Can't say I'm proud of any of this but from my perspective:

(1) You either have a trust relationship or you don't. If you do, you don't go rooting around, looking for sinister explanations. If you yourself are playing away, you lose trust in your spouse anyway and then you get suspicious.
(2) Some people don't have the time or the inclination to check up constantly on their spouses even if they don't trust them - you have to care about a relationship a lot and want to fix it to prod the gaping hole in it. In my first marriage I knew that something was going wrong, but I didn't think I could fix it and wasn't willing to face it so pretty much put my head in the sand and went 'lalallalal can't hear you'
(3) Some people do take the 'long view'. I'm one of them. If I found out that DH had cheated and it was over and there was no aftermath (children/diseases/financial stupidity) I'd consider whether it was worth breaking up our marriage over it and disrupting the kids lives, or whether to tackle it. I'm not sure whether I'd say I knew either. If I knew it was over and I believed it was a one off. But I would take it as an indication that some serious hard work on both sides was required to fix the marriage.

You see the thing is, these people who cheat, myself included, are generally quite unhappy with their lot in life and are searching for something. But a borrowed something rarely fixes the problem. You might top up his ego but long term, you can't fix the problems in his life because he's created them IYSWIM.

I can see what's in it for the man in your life, but what's in it for you?

LittleJingleBellas · 19/12/2008 21:58

Really interesting post Whomovedmychocolate.

Original poster
brazenhussy · 19/12/2008 22:04

you have said something that has struck a chord with me there lowenergylightbulb - my OM is always telling me how lazy his wife is, how she never bothers with her hair or make up, isn't interested in him or his interests ect ect and i bet she is a real stunner

OP posts:
FlynnieAroundTheChristmasTree · 19/12/2008 22:20

So BH, you don't want a real relationship with him and you do think he has been lying to you. So why are you with him?

lowenergylightbulb · 19/12/2008 22:21

BH - have you ever seen his wife face to face?

From experience of past relationships and generally being an old fart it strikes me that all prolonged cheaters work to a script in order to justify their actions to themselves.

Your bloke isn't with his wife out of kindness/charity etc...he's there because it suits him.

Yes, true love can spring up from affairs, but in that scenario both parties are willing to go through hell and high water to be together 'properly'. They don't skulk around for ages.

But, if you are happy with things then that's up to you - but keep your bull shit detectors switched on!!

Original poster
brazenhussy · 19/12/2008 22:26

no, i've only seen photos of her and yes i am happy with things as they are

OP posts:
honestfriend · 19/12/2008 22:27

Why did you really post BH? Are you unhappy with the situation? What are you wanting us to say?
Either you are happy to be the OW and it suits you to have this affair, or it doesn't. Which is it? What do you get out of it that you couldn't get from another available man? Do you love this OM so much that you are happy to continue this indefinitely, even if it means you are hurting/might hurt someone else ( his wife?)

I am not judging you- I just wonder why post unless you are unhappy.