Following on from all the recent threads about affairs, what percentage of wives....

[brazenhussy]

find out that their husbands are having affairs?
How many men have long term affairs and don't get caught?

Am asking this because i am in a long term relationship with a married man who isn't exactly careful about his actions but is confident that his wife has no clue what is going on.

She wouldn't have to be sherlock Holmes to find the evidence if she did suddenly suspect. Is this unusual or do many wives never discover what is staring them in the face?

Because i was genuinely interested in how woman miss the clues that are so obvious. I am the least observant person ever and wondered if i was in a minority. I wanted others thoughts on how easy it was for men to get away with it without really trying or needing to spin loads of lies.

I am in no way unhappy (apart from the fact i have guilt issues about his wife which have been brought home to me more because of this thread)

I am happy being the OW, it suits me because rightly or wrongly I like my own life as a single woman too. i don't want to share my life with anyone on a permanent basis.

I had no intention of falling for a married man and I fell for him with an intensity i have never experienced before.

It isn't an ideal relationship and i know that i will lose him eventually because of my lack of commitment.

I would never go near another married man again.

BH, so why don't you stay away from this one then ?

God knows, I love him AFFAMP

BH you say:
It isn't an ideal relationship and i know that i will lose him eventually because of my lack of commitment.

This makes it appear that you want to have your cake and eat it- you want to have a relationship on your terms, but you aren't willing to commit.

I don't see how you will lose him through your lack of commitment, as he is not wanting you to commit- is he? Is he wanting to leave his wife and you are telling him not to?

What are you actually getting out of it? great sex? emotional support? What makes you stay with a guy who is married, whose wife may be distraught if she finds out, yet you don't care enough to want a committed relationship with?

brazenhussy, you sound very mixed-up

Yes i do want to have my cake and eat it, i don't want to commit because i have wanted to be single for so long and finally i am.

He is wanting to commit to me to the extent that it is affecting our relationship.

And i love his company, his attention, the sex is amazing, he was incredibly supportive when i was going through my divorce and on everything else for that matter.

Tonight has made me see what i am doing to his wife though and has really messed with my head.

Iv done what you're doing, and I'll regret it forever. I was too young to realise how much hurt I was causing his girlfriend, and Im afraid Karma came right back and bit me on the arse. She knew about me, and still pretended everything was ok, thats how much she loved him. I destroyed their relationship and I'll regret it forver.
Its a selfish thing to do, and I wouldnt wish a cheating partner on anybody, EVER. Just stop. Easier said than done, I know.

I had sympathy for you at first BH but now you seem shallow- being single means being on your own at times, no sex, no emotional support. If that is what turns you on, and is what you have always wanted, great, then let this man go and rebuild his marriage.

You need to stop pretending to yourself about what you really want- you sound plain selfish.

?

Hate to admit it but i had an affair several years ago and had no intention of leaving my husband although i often stated to OM that i did.
My marriage was not a bad one and my husband did not deserve it.
Quite simply i was looking for an escape and got caught up in a ridiculous fantasy.I definateley did not want him full time under any circumstances, selfish as it was , he was there to meet my needs , fuss me and pamper me and thats it.
During that time my family suffered greatly and the children mainly paid the price.

Despite his claims of wanting to commit to you , he knows you dont so he can make this claim knowing its not going to happen.Its worth noting on here that usually married men who get caught beg and plead to stay with their wives , claiming the affair partner meant nothing to them.

I will admit to doing the same , and honestly didnt give the OM a second thought.

Chances are your a bit of fun and good for his ego regardless of what hes saying to you about his feelings for you.

If his wife means so little to him quite simply why is he still there ? While hes bitching about his wife and taking the piss out of her for not noticing , what do you honestly think he thinks about you?

Without sounding like i take no responsibility because i do , i will say that Even now i think of OM as a sad desperate loser who was so loneley he was willing to sleep with another mans wife , so caught up in his own desperation that he didnt once consider the effects on my children.
You too will be thought of in this way as your " relationship " is nothing but a fantasy.

You do sound a little smug about the fact that he is being so careless about his wife finding out,please dont take this to mean that hes trying to get caught so he can be with you.
Hes not caught up with you , hes caught up with the drama and the escape that your affair offers him, you probably couldve been anyone.!

And the truth is, if his wife means so little that he can do this to her, then you probably mean even less to him. How do you know there arnt other women aswell as you?

It isn't an ideal relationship and i know that i will lose him eventually because of my lack of commitment.

No , you will lose him when his wife finds out . Have you not asked yourself why he is being so careless ?
Does it not strike you as odd that he agreed to reconcile with her although he was involved with you ?

Why on earth would he agree to reconcile with a wife he cant stand when hes in love with you ?

If it helps to see it from someone elses point of veiw here goes,

I DIDNT want a divorce , i wanted my husband to realise how important our marriage was and acknowledge that we had some problems.
In my own bizzare way i did this by having an affair.

When DH didnt pick up on my extravagant clues i TOLD HIM.!!!!

And NOT because i wanted him to leave , i was insecure and pathetic and wanted him to notice me .I will also add that some of this fell into the revenge category that lots of affairs do for slight wrongdoings over the years.

Sadly it looks like you are there to fix his fragile ago and to help him get revenge on his wife , he probably still loves his wife or else why would he still be there ?
He might well beleive the things he says to you , he might not be a horrible person ( i dont like to think i am ) but i said horrible things about my DH that werent true and i didnt mean.

Regarding him slagging his wife off , he sounds quite angry towards her which doesnt make sense if hes so caught up with you.

For your own sake , and theirs , get out of their marriage and stay out. You are deluding yourself that theres anything more to it im afraid.

I am happy being the OW, it suits me because rightly or wrongly I like my own life as a single woman too. i don't want to share my life with anyone on a permanent basis.

If you love him so much and hes so wonderfull why wouldnt you want to share your life with him ?

I think your both using each other for whatever reason.

I wonder if your lack of commitment will cause him to to end your relationship. I can almost hear it " i just cant go on like this blah blah "
This should get him off the hook with you as such , i know because ive done it!

There comes a time when you get bored with the other person , you cant dump them because youve declared undying love and badmouthed your spouse.

Ideally a family crisis is needed but failing that its not hard to end it in other ways , ie demanding more than someones willing to give.

No doubt theres endless emotional conversations about " us " and what " we,re going to do ".

Neither of you want the other on a permanent basis , that much is obvious.

CC much of what you say is very true- but be aware that we all post here out of our own experiences. It is never going to be possible to really know what is going on with someone else's life.

There was a very interesting piece in the Times Body and Soul last week, where the Dr discussed various types of relationships in a marriage; child-child; parent-child; and brother-sister.
He made the point ( and he is well into his 70s) that it is only over the last few decades that affairs and the OW/OM have meant "one strike and you are out"- he said that some years back affairs were tolerated especially if the couple had a brother-sister relationship.
He said that many marriages survived if the other partner could turn a blind eye now and again.

I know this is anathema to many MNs, but sometimes it helps to step outside our personal experiences and the emotions involved, and take longer term more philosophical view of relationships; that is not to say that affairs are good and no-one gets hurt- they often do- but they are often not as black and white as made out here.

In this case, I believe the OP knows exactly what she wants and so does the man. He may well want his wife to find out, so he can come clean and force the issue- but is too cowardly to do so otherwise. In this case, the OW may well have "got" her man by not being overly keen, and NOT wanting him to leave his wife! men always want what they can't have!

Unbelievable! I started my relationship with my DH when he was seperated from his then wife and was in the process of getting divorced. This really shook me and I said time and time again that I would be gone if she/they decided that they wanted to give it another try...and I meant it. I could NEVER take another woman's husband. And here you are, happy to continue a relationship once his wife comes back to him!! What bullshit must he have told her to get her to come back? Imagine the heartwrenching conversations they had...all coming to the conclusion that they should try again...and all the while he's fucking you...and STILL is!! You are both scum and you are horribly delusional on top of it all. Have some self-respect and get out of this. You will always reap what you sow.

Wives aren't stupid. i think they always know but in some cases just turn a blind eye.
I had an affair with a married man a few years ago, he'd sleep at my house at least 3 times a week and he'd stay til about 8 in the morning. Don't know what he was telling her.....
He used to slip up sometimes and call me by her name, was he doing the same at home?
I do know that he bought her a dvd once because she'd like it......turns out it was series 2 of something he watched at my house and I'd told him I wanted it and he gave it to his wife and insisted he watched it with her cudded up on sofa......
She knew and didn't do a thing about it and I hear he's still shagging anything that'll consent

I think you are trying to puzzle out your own relationship with this man and phrasing the question as a general one about wives with cheating husbands. Who knows in the individual case? She might know and be crying herself to sleep every night. She might know and not care. She might be gathering evidence and booking an appointment with a lawyer. She might have a lover of her own. She might be glad that he's out of the house.

I believe sometimes it is the wives' fault. Even though there are some men that would chase a monkey if u put a skirt on it, but you see, naturally we all love good things and lots of women tend to neglect themselves after marriage. And in the kind of society we live in, he's bound to come across different kinds of women and naturally..... Lots of men have affairs with women that look like their wives before marriage...

I can't believe that in all the replies there has been no suggestion that the wife may
a) not care or be glad that her dh has a bit on the side
b) may have her own bit on the side too
c) may be such an awful person (yes there are people in this world who are nigh on impossible to live with) that the dh is being a saint staying with her anyway.

Why is the wife always made out to be some angel or martyr?

Brazenhussy, you did nothing wrong - he was separated, he had no kids, what's the problem? The only problem there is one for him and his wife to sort out .... whether they should remain married or not. And just because he had one "affair" does't mean he will always be unfaithful. He made a mistake with his first wife. Some men learn from their mistakes. (Of course, there are others that don't or that are always going to be unfaithful types, but who are we to suggest that brazenhussy's man is of this ilk?)

Enjoy him bh

God what a thick post.

"he was separated, he had no kids, what's the problem? The only problem there is one for him and his wife to sort out .... whether they should remain married or not."

And er, they decided to get back together and remain married. If he was a normal healthy person, he would either have said "no, bugger off wifey, I'm with brazenhussy now, we were on a break, we've got no kids to consider so no reason to stay together anymore" or "sorry brazenhussy, me and my wife are going to give it another go, can't fuck you anymore my wife would object, we're not on a break anymore".

The problem is that he did neither - he decided to continue to be dishonest and deceitful. In my world, dishonesty and deceit are a problem. Whether they are in yours BH is for you to decide

Oh God, Maamajullah, you're serious aren't you?

Score one for the sister hood.

And as for you Robinia - your "enjoy him" made me vomit in my mouth.

enjoy him ?????????

fucking hell, robinia, are you for real ?

Robina are you a troll??????

My DH and I were separated for TWO WEEKS when he had a fling with someone.
I was never an "awful person to live with". I was just a person with my ups and downs, as was my husband.

Regardless of whether you are separated or not, the hurt is still there and a year down the line. I despise the situation I was put in, despise the other woman, despise the emotions that I've been made to feel and still do get upset about the betrayal.

There is NO EXCUSE FOR AN AFFAIR.

If your marriage is that bad, either do your utmost to repair and make it better, or leave.

Doing things behind the other person's back is hurtful, deceitful and amazingly painful.

Yes in time you may all come through it, but the hurt was caused and nothing can take that away.

If anyone is considering having an affair or having an affair, maybe they should take some time away to consider why they are doing it, is it to make themselves feel better, do they really love the other person, is it just to escape the situation they are in....etc...etc. If it is that bad then perhaps they should be honest with their husband/wife first. They owe it to them.

It's just a horrible, horrible situation for those who are lied to. And yes children do get affected. Short or long term, I don't know.

This thread has taken quite a shocking twist. How can anyone possibly say that it's the wives fault? Ok, so some of us relax a bit about our appearanve when we find confidence and security of what's supposed to be a longstanding, loving relationship, and yes some of us don't want to/can't bear to have sex through pregnancy and early months with a new born, but that does not justify the man to go out there and sleep with or see other women.
Yes, I agree that some women might be quite glad that dh has found something to keep himself busy so gets off her back for a while and she is willing to turn a blind eye, but to say it's her fault is an absolutely shocking comment. I really hope this doesn't happen to anyone that is of the thought that it's the wives fault, think of the pain that thought would bring you, your husband has been shagging the local bar-maid because you put on a stone..........