im pregnant by the man i love and cant possibly have it....go gently on me please

[Littleblue]

....i was told ovulation had stopped ,im nearly 40,ive already got 4 kids,and the youngest starts full time school next month,the eldest starts uni next year.I left a violent relationship last june,and ive finally got a new house and everyones settling down.My lover lives a long way away,with a big family of his own and we only see each other twice a month,hes a separated single parent too.

I love him to bits,im absolutely devastated,i so so cant have another child,my body/mind and finances are all buggered im in pieces..

I am glad you could enjoy your time tpgether as well as gain comfort from it Littleblue.

When are you back in at the clinic?

Wednesday..i have a tablet to turn off the hormones,and friday im in for what they call an early medical abortion.Its an induced miscarriage I feel awful that its going to happen,but steadfast in our decision.

I don't know what to say that can make any of this any easier on you Littleblue. I am just glad that you are still feeling the decision is the right one for you.

Thank you.Its a tough decision,one of the hardest a woman/parent can make..but every child should be born wanted we are in complete agreement,however sad,about that.

1st bits today and i feel really detached

That's totally normal to feel like that even if you are sure. It's just part of coping. How were you feeling before today - maybe this is just a way of not being too sad whilst you go through with it? I hope it goes ok for you today.

i feel ive done a bad thing,but not the wrong thing...and i feel ill from the drug

Ill in what way? The hormonal rollercoaster from it can be pretty rough, so I've been told.

This was never going to be easy. You wouldn't be the mum you are to the children you have if it was going to feel fine. I am glad you don't feel you've done the wrong thing. I think all these emotions are ok, if terrifying. I hope you can continue to be sure of yourself - have you spoken to your DP? Would that help? Thinking of you.

Hi, Littleblue, sorry I didn't get on last night to wish you the best, I have been thinking of you.

As mousie says it is normal to cope by detaching yourself from what is going on. Please don't feel you have done a bad thing, you have done a very very hard thing but I don't see that you can classify it as bad.

I hope you are getting over the ill effects of the drug by now and, hopefully getting some sleep.

NCB x

Dear Littleblue

I've read this thread but haven't posted before. I just wanted to offer words of support. You've done a very difficult thing but something you feel is the right thing to do. Don't ever doubt that and don't look back. You did what you had to do, which was a brave and mature thing which nobody can ever blame you for.

Please, please look after yourself over the coming days and weeks. I'm sure there are many on MN that can say 'there but for the grace of God/Jehovah/Allah or whoever (whether you believe or not) go I'

Take care of yourself LB x

(((((((Hugs)))))))) have been thinking of you.x

Littleblue, what surprises me here is how much you have had to justify your choice...that is SO very wrong!

I am in a very similar position to you. Last Thursday I found out that the bug I thought I had was actually pregnancy #3! I am devestated! I never wanted 3 children, I never wanted 3 pregnancies.

I am closer to 40 than I am 30, I have 2 beautiful dcs after difficult pregnancies, where I have suffered SPD, cronic MS, Pre Eclampsia, failed induction, feotal distress, emerg c-section under GA [preg 1] and SPD, carpal tunnel syndrome [that still hasn't gone away & dc2 is 6 months old] cronic MS, hign blood pressure, elective c-section, post op abdominal pain, wound infection, nerve damage in my legs..

I asked my dr to refer me to be sterilised, but apparently it is practice policy to not do this until the youngest baby is a yr old. He said I was an emotional new mother who was reacting to a traumatic birth! Even tho I told him my c-section was fine & I was asking the consultant to sterilize me at the time. I asked him twice, same things each time.

We had a contraceptive failure.

I am facing a termination because I simply cannot face another pregnancy littered with all that is listed above & possibly more. I haven't stopped crying, dh is very good & on the same page as I am, thankfully! I have to wait until the 9/1 now, because of Christmas.

I keep going over the 'fate' 'every baby is a blessing' scenerios & yes, I believe that, but my body was telling me it couldn't cope with preg #1, then it told me at #2 that it could cope even less...I have no idea how I will suffer this time. I am having severe strecthing cramps & the area around my wound that was painfull 3 weeks post op is almost unbearable. My scar is making itself known, where as before it was just there, iykwim.

You have made the right choice, as have I. Please do not regret it, I know it must be very hard & I am not prepared for the fall out afterwards, but I am even less prepared for another pregnancy!

Good Luck!

And my referring dr told me that she admired me, because I knew my own mind enough to know that I wanted 2 children & wasn't going to be swayed into having #3 because 'it just happened"

I was an unwanted #3 & my mother never learned to love me, dad wanted me, so she tried but failed on every level. I can't hand that fate down, I really really can't, not for anyone, or anything!

Differentname, I think that you sound confident in your desicion, which is a very good thing. I think that littleblue has had more of a struggle with her decision, possibly because she has had such a tough history. I don't think she has had to justify her choice. Most of the questions asked here are fair ones that any good friend would ask, not because they want to change her mind but because they want to be sure that she is steadfast and prepared for the emotional fall out that will possibly follow.

I agree that every life is precious but that includes the lives of the mother and the existing family. Sometimes, as you clearly know, the choice is a tough one.

I hope that things go well for you, I want to tell you that your mothers failings will not necessarily be yours but I also don't want to sound like I am disagreeing with your choice. It sounds like you are a very different person to your mother and I am sorry that you had to go through that as a child.

Thinking of you today Littleblue, hope you managed to get some rest. x

NCRedBreastedBirdy, thank you for your kind words. I agree with you, actually, having re-read Lb's posts that she does seem a little more uncertain then I. I guess it is easy to get caught up in the emotion when you are in a similar position.

My mums just really upset me,she was on IM saying what i was going through was really upsetting for her too and while there was no comparison (she had a termination years ago)she really needed to talk to me child free and WHEN was i available ? When i said i was sorry for whatever was bubbling up for her with this,but i cant talk about it yet or im sunk,she signed out immediately.

I think shes upset about the loss of her grandchild,shes said as much already,i cant help her with that,and im so pissed off she can even consider it appropriate to burden me with that am i being selfish?

differentnameforthis,il reread what you posted,it takes alot of fortitude and support to deal with such a decision in as healthy a way as possible.It sounds like you are a strong lady,and like me,wouldnt come to this decision lightly or selfishly.Good luck to you.x

LB, in no way are you selfish! The last thing you need right now is to be dealing with & supporting other people! Please do not talk about what you aren't ready to talk about!

Your mum is the selfish one, putting her needs & feelings over yours. We haven't told family, I have only told a few really close female friends who I know I can trust & will support me, however I feel.

And thank you..I need all the luck I can get at the moment...having a bad day after a few good ones. I don't feel strong, I keep wanting to fall to my knees & scream! Every little thing brings tears, even tho I am doing what we know is right, it still hurts that I am having to do it!

Take your time in dealiing with your mum, I hope you find some support soon! x

Littleblue, your mum is going through a tough time too, it does affect her. Really I would say she was being quite controlled to sign out rather than say the things that are on her mind when you had told her you are not up to it yet. I am sure that she is feeling the loss and I am also sure that she has no idea who to talk to about it as she cannot talk to her friends or family without giving away your situation.

I agree that it is totally inappropriate to expect you to help her through this and I understand why you are so upset but, being neutral, I have to say I can see both sides. She has not tried to stop you she has just said she needs to talk. You are not being selfish, you are being sensible. The only way you can get through a time like this is to put yourself above anyone else as you are the person actually going through it all.

Could you suggest to her that she go to see her gp to get a few sessions with an NHS councillor or maybe a time or two with someone privately?

(So as you know, I am personnally cross that she has upset you at this time but I thought my neutral opinion would be more help here)

Differentname, sorry you are having a hard day.

Thank you..both of you.differentname.. I felt like you about this decision,you are in turmoil..i often drove weeping silently,and felt like screaming,there is no pain like it.Tonights harder for me than it would have been,my dp is furious with mum,wants me to be left to deal with my own feelings at my own pace.This has hurt him too,badly.As far as he is concerned,i have to deal with the rough bit,so need nurturing within my boundaries if that makes sense...
CAT me differen name if you wish...might be a good idea,maybe not...xx

LB, the hardest thing is to hide the tears & MS from my 5 yr old. She is very attentive & caring & worries when she sees me sad. She thinks that I have a tummy bug!

I don't have access to the CAT, but I do have an email that I sometimes use for here, [email protected] that you may contact me on, if you wish.

And yes, I have become accustomed to driving thru tears.

I also sometimes envy dh! Even tho he has been truely wonderful, he often used to say that the pregancies of our dcs do not feel real to him, until he is holding the LO in his arms...I wonder if he feels the same now and I envy the way that his day to day life seems so uneffected at the moment!

I know about hiding the tears..i have a child of 4...but also of 8,15 and 17.They miss very little,having the flu has been almost handy as my nose and eyes are runny anyway. I do feel detached tho,even tho mum made me angry,and i nearly cried,i didnt.When i first found out i did,alot,but since then its been grim control most of the time.Even when dp got upset,i comforted him until i felt tears approaching then damped it down. I know its got to come out some time or i wont recover emotionally,i think im holding out til its over..which it will be by the end of today.
I hope you find some peace with your decision,xx

Im wishing id gone for the surgical option now,i feel so sick from the drug and its going to be very hard today.

Sorry to hear you are suffering, LB. It must be hard keeping it together around 4 children of all ages, I expect you are surrounded by at least one most of the time.

Dh is good, as I said...he keeps asking me how I am & sometimes that is worse...I don't want to keep moaning about it!

To think that I celebrated these feelings twice [the MS, the tiredness etc] but now I detest them, want rid of them. It is a very confusing time.

I am happy with my decision...just unhappy that I had to make it.