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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

im pregnant by the man i love and cant possibly have it....go gently on me please

238 replies

Littleblue · 01/12/2008 21:14

....i was told ovulation had stopped ,im nearly 40,ive already got 4 kids,and the youngest starts full time school next month,the eldest starts uni next year.I left a violent relationship last june,and ive finally got a new house and everyones settling down.My lover lives a long way away,with a big family of his own and we only see each other twice a month,hes a separated single parent too.

I love him to bits,im absolutely devastated,i so so cant have another child,my body/mind and finances are all buggered im in pieces..

OP posts:
luckylady74 · 01/12/2008 21:33

How awful for you
You're a strong person and a survivor from the sound of it.
I wouldn't want to presume what you think or what you will do, but you'll have my respect whatever.

Original poster
Littleblue · 01/12/2008 21:33

My head says its my turn now,my heart says something else,i have a child who is SN,and if i have this i will be over 40 and it could be SN as well,i dont cope well now,i dont have the resources,mentally,emotionally,or financially for another child.

OP posts:
luckylady74 · 01/12/2008 21:38

It really does truly sound like your turn now and as the mother of 3 children one with mild sn I can say that I would never ever enter into a pregnancy in the glib way I did before my son's sn were dx.

Original poster
Littleblue · 01/12/2008 21:39

Ive had 2 of each,whats torturing me is how specifically different the gender pregnancies have been,this feels like a girl again.must sound nuts,but its such a huge difference early on

OP posts:
ThePeachyPlumFairy · 01/12/2008 21:39

if thats what you truly feel then you must have strength

have you taken advice on the sn? ds4 was planned but he has two asd brothers so we know he's at risk and that's challenging even with the most wanted baby.

Original poster
Littleblue · 01/12/2008 21:43

Im waiting for a full assessment on ds2,ADD is most likely,but aspergers is a poss too,its a grind all day every day,

OP posts:
Original poster
Littleblue · 01/12/2008 21:48

How do i tell him...how DO i TELL him.i dont know where to start,i wont NOT tell him,its as much his as mine

OP posts:
ThePeachyPlumFairy · 01/12/2008 21:51

yes, I have a particularly aggressive ds1 with a dx of aspergers / high functioning asd and its hard, you have my sympathy. I will say that when Sam is with baby there's so much love threre that I'd never have imagined, it's a joy discovering that side of him.

ds3 is more severe asd and doesn't give baby much attention either way tbh. except at bath time as they share that nd its routine (baby is 7 months, ds1 almost 9, s2 nt 7, ds3 5.5)

we're doing lots to try and help prevent the asd or mitigate it- signing, gluten casein free diet etc etc- but I won't pretend its not a slog on occasion. Still as baby was planned its very worth it and I am enjoying this baby more than the others because the sn amde me learn what matters iykwim.

It's no doubt an especially hard time if you're going through dx.

Would you ant to talk to an emergency counselling group? Rhubarb on here w ould know of some I am sure

Original poster
Littleblue · 01/12/2008 21:59

and say what? im not being obstructive,but what could counselling do? i know the processes involved,ive an as level equiv qualification in the theories underpinning counselling techniques.I always advocate the advice you are talking about,and must sound really bloody arrogant,but this really REALLY hurts,and the decision is already made in my mind.I cant have another child.i dont cope well meeting the needs of theose i have,and they are already "here" they need me,we have been through a horror story,and gone thru so much therapy.Womensaid etc...a baby would be too much on top.it wouldnt be fair on my children,or any baby .im not up to it...im so shocked

OP posts:
Original poster
Littleblue · 01/12/2008 22:05

i sounded like a prize shit there,im sorry,im all over the place

OP posts:
Zazette · 01/12/2008 22:10

No you really don't sound at all like a shit. You sound like a woman who is being incredibly lucid and brave in a terribly painful situations. And you sound like a mother who loves her children very much and will do all she can to be there for them. I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you find your peace and happiness in the end.

ThePeachyPlumFairy · 01/12/2008 22:13

counselling as you know can be about helping you to come to terms with the decision you make and just cope too. It doesn't have to be about changing your mind.

I always suggest counselling for parents going through a sn dx anyhow, hell it almost killed me with the resulltant depression. Let alone what you face.

And no you don't sound like a prize bitch at all. You sound like someone with your back against a wall trying to find the emergency exit.

luckylady74 · 01/12/2008 22:18

If it helps - if I were in your situation and had a family that had just been pulled back from the brink then I would do exactly what you say you're going to do.
I second peachy's counselling situation - everyone is leaning on you - a place to vent may help and my ds's dx of as left me reeling for months - still am a bit tbh.
My thoughts are with you.

Original poster
Littleblue · 01/12/2008 22:29

i feel almost bratty,ive just got back on track,and realised the other day,that what was missing,what i was noticing had gone,was fear.Ive been thru SO much,and im working again,and travelling a little

OP posts:
ThePeachyPlumFairy · 01/12/2008 22:33

sounds like you've done amazingly well. you should feel proud of yourself.

nobody elses 'what i'd do is....' matters: only your own feelings. go through every option- adoption might work, not sure i'd be strong enough- and have faith in what you decide. you have proven you have the sheer guts to make good decisions, you just need to have faith in that ability.

Original poster
Littleblue · 01/12/2008 22:50

I could never give away my child,i breast fed the last one til she was 3+ i want the lot out,so it never happens again..cant stop fucking crying

OP posts:
ThePeachyPlumFairy · 01/12/2008 22:57

oh poor you hugs

you know you don't have to be suicidal to call samaritans? just in need of someone to talk to / cry at.

phone or email.

I have to go soo, I will check back tomorrow (ds1 up again- arrgghhhh). I hope you get through the night ok. Please consider talking to your dp, he needs to know to support you, maybe note? sometimes easiest way, you can write down what you want to say, what you need for him and not get too upset or emotional.

my thoughts are with you.

And when this is over remember you're always welcome on the sn board. or now, indeed.

Original poster
Littleblue · 02/12/2008 07:37

i talked to him on msn last night,but need to talk on phone..im not due to see him, for another 10 days

OP posts:
Original poster
Littleblue · 02/12/2008 07:39

havent told him yet...

OP posts:
thenewme · 02/12/2008 07:56

Do you want this baby?

Can you make a list of all the reasons you think you can't have the baby and try and resolve them one at a time?

If it is money, we all have things we no longer need we could give you.

CharleeInPantoPaperChains · 02/12/2008 08:07

I have no practical advice Littleblue only you know what you need/want, don't feel bad though about feeling like you do.

You know you need to talk to your dp and if like you say he will agree with your desicion to terminate then he will hopefully be there to hold your hand and you can get through it together, then like you say your old enough to ask for steralisation to stop you worrying about it happening again.

Hugs to you. x

mumoverseas · 02/12/2008 08:47

big hugs to you littleblue.
You HAVE to tell him. You can NOT make this decision on your own and he has as much right as you to be involved in whatever decision you chose to make.
Should you have the baby, yes, it will be hard.
I have some understanding of what you are going through. In June I went to my doctor telling her I thought the menopause had started as I'd had very irregular periods since January and they had now stopped. She of course asked if I could be pregnant and I saw of course not as I was on the pill. Wrong answer! I was pregnant and I was completely shell shocked. I am married to a very loving partner but we had not planned anymore children. I have two from a first marriage,now aged 15 and 12 and we have a gorgeous little girl aged 2. I have had various health problems and was warned not to have more children (before DD!) I had a terrible pregnancy but I coped. I am now 28 weeks pregnant and although still have wobbly moments I love my baby already and can't wait til he arrives in February. I am worried about lots of things. My age, I will be 41 at Christmas! (old enought to be a grandmother!) and this week I have been rushing around taking my 15 year old for interviews and exams for 6th form colleges which seems so wrong when I'm hugely pregnant and I'm getting lots of funny looks (and no doubt embarrassing my son!) But, the bottom line is, I love my husband, I love our unborn baby and I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I'd made a different decision.
Please don't think I'm saying you shouldn't have this baby, but you need to think it through and talk to your partner. Imagine what would happen if you didn't tell him and he found out later. You have love, what better start for this baby?
Good luck with your decision x

Original poster
Littleblue · 02/12/2008 09:30

he has his family over a hundred miles away..so i would be dealing with it alone

OP posts:
Original poster
Littleblue · 02/12/2008 09:35

i dont want a baby,but i love him,and im so upset

OP posts:
NCRedBreastedBirdy · 02/12/2008 11:08

Littleblue, IMO you have to make the desicion that is right for you. Some people could continue with the pg and make the best of it, some couldn't. There is (again IMO) no shame in deciding you are not up to this. It is clearly a lot for you to get your head around.

I would urge you to have a really good think about how you will feel ifyou do not go through with it as I would hate you to end up feeling guilty about a desicion made at a difficult time.

It is up to you if you tell him or not but I would think it will be difficult having a loving relationship when you have something like this in the back of your head.

I know you understand the process of counciling, I know you think it won't help but IME it really does help to be able to talk to someone who has NO judgement about your decision - either way. Perhaps you could just think of it as your chance to unload, which you obviously can't do at home.

I have been thinking of you and I cannot come up with anything helpful at all but just wanted you to know there are people out there who care.