im pregnant by the man i love and cant possibly have it....go gently on me please

[Littleblue]

....i was told ovulation had stopped ,im nearly 40,ive already got 4 kids,and the youngest starts full time school next month,the eldest starts uni next year.I left a violent relationship last june,and ive finally got a new house and everyones settling down.My lover lives a long way away,with a big family of his own and we only see each other twice a month,hes a separated single parent too.

I love him to bits,im absolutely devastated,i so so cant have another child,my body/mind and finances are all buggered im in pieces..

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He did,yes...i wish i hadnt told mum tho,shes in bits about it,sleepless night etc

i have been thinking about this thread since i first saw it. and i am sorry if i am going against the opinion that everyone is giving you. but i think that every baby is a blessing. and a gift from god. and i'm sorry that isnt what you want to hear. but with two loving parents. even if they live sof ar far away. it sounds as if this kid will have more love in his life, than mine do in theirs, with two parents who live together. and babies are blessings. (sorry, have had a drink) but just need to post this.

Glad you told him LB..and that he is being supportive.Even though its an awful decision to have to make I am glad you are in consensus.It would be worse I think if you didnt agree.

Sounds like you have problems of your own stitch,i suggest you discuss them on another thread.

Hes very attentive,very worried about me.

little, your DP sounds like a keeper saying things like, 'we're going through this...'

Oh hes a keeper alright..such a breath of fresh air im so relived to be sharing the burden of this

I am really glad you have told him and he is being supportive of you. He really does sound lovely. Have you managed to get any practical support? I know you will have to go to see someone before hand, do you have an appointment for that yet? Will your dp be able to be with you? It is great that he wants to go through this with you but you need to actually get him to you for that to work (IYSWIM)

My 1st appt is on tuesday next week,im hoping to get it all over with asap after that.We are away for the weekend on the twelth,its going to be an emotional one.Hes blaming himself for "knocking me up" and is struggling to comt o terms with it.Im not sure i want him there even if he can come,i dealt with miscarriages alone,when dealing with something as deeply painful as that,i like to crawl away and hide like a wounded animal

You have to do what is best for you and if you feel you can cope alone then fine, however, I would say this; with your miscarriages (from what I have read) you were, to all intents and purposes, alone and so had to deal with it yourself. This time you are not, you have someone there who loves you and is prepared to try to carry some of the burden. Please don't shut him out in an effort to carry all the pain alone. From the sounds of it he is a good man, something you have, it seems, been in need of for a long time it would be a shame to put barriers up now (evn if they are unintentional)

I have just read this, and I am so sorry that you are having to make such a momentus and devestating decision, especially with all you have gone thru in the past. You sound like an amazingly strong woman to have survived all you have, and yes, you think "why now this?".

I have no advice, but I offer my heartfelt sympathy.....xxx

Im not convinced he would cope,hes so upset,i dont want him there if hes going to be upset,il fall apart if he does ...thanx

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Probably,im just scared

What are you scared of? Is it something we can help you through?

scared of falling apart,of not being able to go through with it

You probably will fall apart to a degree. A termination is not a walk in the park and you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel emotion.

The being scared about not being able to go through with it intrigues me. Is that because you are scared of the unknown (the op) or because in different circumstances you know you would have wanted to have the baby?

Are you wanting to terminate because you think it is the best thing to do or because you simply couldn't live through having another child?

Making a decision like this for logical reasons - even very very good ones and ignoring the emotional pulls you may be feeling is not a good thing in the longer term.

What would you have felt/done if DP had wanted to go through with the pg?

I am not trying to put you on the spot or be nasty but these are questions you need to examine. You don't have to answer them to me (or anyone else) but you do need to have the conversation with yourself IYSWIM. (Sorry if you have already been through all of this)

I have just read your thread littleblue and i am desperatly sorry for you. I have two grown up kids and a 9 year old and am 40 and i can absolutly tell you without question i could not ever have another baby, i would be finished emotional;ly and physically. you must only consider your OWN needs in this, your life is on track and you allready have lots of responsibilities, i would consider your decision to terminate, a totally unselfish one. its fine for others to judge but it will be just you left to cope and your new relationship may not sustain the c
chaos of a new baby.....
babies may be a gift from god but its the woman who has to do all the practical work.i am trying to send you lots of love and support by telepathy, lots of love...

All of the above recent posts have a place..its quite simple really,we are both really down right now,as we both know that IF circumstances were different..IF we were younger...IF we hadnt already got NINE kids between us....IF we had been together longer and lived either together,or in the same fecking COUNTY!!!!we would have loved this news.As it stands it is a complete no-brainer...there is no other option.Im KNACKERED!!he is also knackered..there is no room,in any part of this situation,thats capable of meeting a babys needs.
It doesnt stop the feelings of devastation though.on both our parts.

Like I said before littleblue you have clearly thought this out. I don't mean to ask hard questions of you I just feel that, if I didn't, I wouldn't be doing my best for you IYSWIM.

Of course you are scared, of course you are devestated. It is obvious you are not coming at this lightly and I agree (and have said) you need to do what is right for you here. No-one (I don't think anyway) is suggesting that you are being selfish or unfair.

FWIW, I have finished having children and if I got pg again (not that there is any chance!) I would be faced with the same decision as you. I do not know if I would be brave enough to make the right one.

Dont think i dont appreciate what youve put into this..you have made all the right points.If i seem defensive,its the stress of it,ive talked to my best friend and found myself almost shouting at her..and thats very out of character

Not defensive at all Littleblue don't worry! I am sure your friend understands how difficult this is for you and knows you need to vent frustration as well as the fears and tears. Anger goes with all of this so don't feel you are wrong for letting it out occasionally.

You know what little blue,
its a bloody shame some women dont apply the same thoughts and understanding that you have done to the realities of having a child, that bitch Karen Matthews for starters...
the children you and your lovely partner have brought into the world have obviously flourished from your love and care but you are totally right in knowing when you can cope with a child and when you cant.... thats called being responsible...
best of luck mate..