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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

im pregnant by the man i love and cant possibly have it....go gently on me please

238 replies

Littleblue · 01/12/2008 21:14

....i was told ovulation had stopped ,im nearly 40,ive already got 4 kids,and the youngest starts full time school next month,the eldest starts uni next year.I left a violent relationship last june,and ive finally got a new house and everyones settling down.My lover lives a long way away,with a big family of his own and we only see each other twice a month,hes a separated single parent too.

I love him to bits,im absolutely devastated,i so so cant have another child,my body/mind and finances are all buggered im in pieces..

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 03/12/2008 13:55

I just read this............

1st 2 kids dad left me for my best friend 10 years ago,i met someone else and we moved in together after a year,and moved to the coast to live a self sufficient lifestyle etc...we had 2 more kids together.This man turned out to be a violent,jealous and controlling bully which culminated in threatening my elder son and assaulting me..with the help of womensaid etc,i left in 18 months ago.
I lived in a static caravan for a year,and now,finally have a lovely house,with my 4 kids,and i have a job and a new lovely relationship.
My youngest child goes to school full time after christmas,im losing weight and have got under control a drinking problem.

And instead of thinking disaster I thought icing on the cake, you have been through so much, you must be such a strong woman tho you may not feel it, you are look at everything you've had thrown at you yet you're still here, still coping, still a lovely enough person to have found love and someone that loves you back.

Would your older children be a help to you?

If you're in love surely the logistics can be worked around? No-one is saying it will be easy but look at all your problems is there not one thought saying this is fate?

I know it's not the same but I got pg at 16, everyone told me I was mad but I had my baby anyway.

What will you do if he says he thinks you should keep the baby?

Bienchen · 03/12/2008 13:58

Please tell him soon, and yes over the phone if need be. x

Original poster
Littleblue · 03/12/2008 17:22

Yes,theres a feeling of fate..but i cant contemplate that fully..its too painful..i never had "the wedding" no roses round the door...Im growing my own bloody roses now,and im far too curvy to look good in white,and way too attached to my doc martens for all that crap.
If he says he thinks i should keep the baby i will be amazed,and horrified on many levels..will he want to see his child on webcam rather than in the flesh? that would never be enough..and as for logistics,he lives with 5 kids age 10 up to 21...and his grandson...a hundred miles away.
I live with 4,in 4 different schools/college..how do we choose to keep a baby in the face of that,never mind the fact we are nearly and just over 50 respectively

OP posts:
Original poster
Littleblue · 03/12/2008 17:28

nearly 40 that is...

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Original poster
Littleblue · 03/12/2008 17:35

im telling him tonight,i cant hold off

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Amazoniancracker · 03/12/2008 18:27

Congratulations on conceiving. No matter what you decide, congratulations anyway. Your body is herculean! Take your time, don't weep so much as think...imagine...let your hair down and imagine...would your dp walk away? If he loves his children and is a nice bloke he probably won't.

Could a baby be the balm that brings you geographically closer? Then again, you might enjoy raising your last baby the way you wanted without horrid man around (violent ex??) Do it all afresh..no nappies and peeing on the carpet, chocolate croissants all round for breakfast, lie-ins with no shouting.

I had my baby at 43 and am buggered financially but like the above poster says - surestart, homestart, hand-me-downs, working TC, child TC, PLUS, you have older ones who can babysit (big advantage)

I am not trying to swing you one way or the other. Am sending you big virtual hugs and wondering...this might sound awful...but could you hang on to him and see if he decides to make his own way back to heaven? God, don't mean to be insensitive to your previous pain. I know about that and feel for you. Just maybe let fate decide this one?
Then you won't have to live with a decision made in pain?

Sorry if not helpful.

mumoverseas · 03/12/2008 18:29

Littleblue, stop saying 40 is old! I keep trying to remind myself I'm a very young 40, nearly 41! You are as young as you feel (bugger, I feel 50!)
Good luck tonight, you have to tell him and I'll be thinking of you. Let us know how you get on x

NCRedBreastedBirdy · 03/12/2008 18:39

Littleblue, I hope it goes well tonight, I will be thinking of you.

MooandPops · 03/12/2008 18:59

all the love in the world for you and this hard hard decision...go with your heart and be honest with your dp as soon as possible, this is alot to carry on your own

TheGreatChristmasEvie · 03/12/2008 19:30

Thinking of you LB..

Original poster
Littleblue · 03/12/2008 20:20

I have to smile...no,40 isnt OLD,but my body is knackered,all the breast beating aside,its painful to get out of a chair these days,ive inherited joint problems,gained back problems,and none of my babies believed in SLEEPING!!one of them was 10Ilbs.....
I CANT do it agin..i just CANT!!! ive been mothering for nearly 18 years,and they bleed you white,cripple you on every level and then fuck off,hating you for the cock up you made of their upbringing.I wouldnt change a thing,my brood are amazing,they are artistic,empathic and lovely kids with a profound generosity of spirit..but ive DONE that bit!!! with an awful lot of sick on that T-shirt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Bienchen · 03/12/2008 20:20

Littleblue, thinking of you as well.

I was mid 40 with my last, did not live with DP (now DH) and had not known him for long either. And I told him over the phone I was pg.

Original poster
Littleblue · 03/12/2008 20:46

im in bits

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LoveMyGirls · 03/12/2008 21:05

Ohh LB I wish we could be there with you.

LoveMyGirls · 03/12/2008 21:21

LB?

ilovemydog · 03/12/2008 21:21

Little - if you can't do it, and only you know the answer to this, then you can't do it. There is no shame in this.

Are there any alternatives? Is pregnancy a huge issue for you emotionally and physically, or is having the baby be the difficult part for you? Some people can't cope with being pregnant and some can't cope for the subsequent 18 years!

Would adoption be something to consider? Or is abortion the only option?

But you have to want this baby. If there are specific things that you know you won't be able to cope with, then perhaps you may be able to get help?

It's your choice, your call. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty, but you should let the dad know. If for no other reason, he could be a source of support for you...

NCRedBreastedBirdy · 03/12/2008 21:27

Littleblue, are you there? Has something happened?

thenewme · 03/12/2008 21:34

We are here for you.

Original poster
Littleblue · 03/12/2008 21:37

I was just telling my mum

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Original poster
Littleblue · 03/12/2008 21:38

Thank you its nice to feel you there

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Jackstini · 03/12/2008 21:42

What did she say lb? - hope she is able to help you, it's good that you are close enough to discuss it with her

TheNewsMongersGeansaiNollag · 03/12/2008 21:48

pooooor you. I don't blame you at all though. You're getting back on your feet and you need to strengthen your foundations. I know exactly how it is.

I left a violent relationship 18 months ago, and I wouldn't be strong enough now to have a baby with another man, even if (?) a prince showed up. HA!

I'd love to have had the chance to do it in perfect circumstances, you know, husband who loves and values you etc... but I wouldn't be able to start again. Not now, I feel like I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

It would be hard though, thinking about all the what ifs, and how it should have beens etc.. but I would agonise over it all and make the same decision that you have made.

NCRedBreastedBirdy · 03/12/2008 21:58

Was she supportive Littleblue? As Jack says it is great you can talk to her.

Original poster
Littleblue · 04/12/2008 07:38

He was really shocked and upset,hs kids took years to achieve,they are all ivf. He agrees with me completely that it impossible to go thru with a pg.But is angry with himself,worried about me..and deeply upset.
He said WE were going thru this together,and to text him if i need a chat.i love him to bits

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Jackstini · 04/12/2008 07:41

Glad you managed to tell him lb - have been thinking about you. You will get through this together.