im pregnant by the man i love and cant possibly have it....go gently on me please

[Littleblue]

....i was told ovulation had stopped ,im nearly 40,ive already got 4 kids,and the youngest starts full time school next month,the eldest starts uni next year.I left a violent relationship last june,and ive finally got a new house and everyones settling down.My lover lives a long way away,with a big family of his own and we only see each other twice a month,hes a separated single parent too.

I love him to bits,im absolutely devastated,i so so cant have another child,my body/mind and finances are all buggered im in pieces..

If he moved to live with you would that change things?

I honestly think you have to tell him. If you terminate without him knowing you will have to carry the secret forever and it will be such a strain.

He cant move to live with me,even if he could,the 4 kids i have are by TWO failed relationships.We have only been together a few months,and i know i love him,but wouldnt risk living with him! Not after what the kids and i have been thru...and its a moot point anyway,he is as committed in his circumstances there,as i am here.
Mu life is starting(was starting) to stabilise.Ive seen the doc this morning,and shes referred me to the clinic for a pre procedure consultation.She thinks i should give myself more time to think,but every moment that passes,this little " thing" is turning more and more into a baby and i cant stand to wait.
I know il have to tell him i "know" that,i just cant find it,i would go and see him,but we have a distance relationship,and it feels rotten to do it over the phone etc

I really appreciate everybodys support btw...as ever,the MN community is a huge source of comfort,xx

Message withdrawn

I think im still in shock,whenever it starts to it home,my mind skitters away from it.I just cant believe it

Do you think you should go to the doctor and talk through your options and concerns?

Some of the things you've raised potentially have clearer guidance like statistics on a 2nd special needs child. The doctor could also advise on the time line options for not progressing with the pregnancy and what would be involved. Just so that you can talk to someone outloud. They may also have advice packs on the latest grants and support available should you choose to proceed.

im calling the careconfidential pregnancy crisis helpline later

Good, I hope they have some good support for you there. Hope you are feeling a little better having spoken to them. NCBx

I havent phoned yet,i dont know where to start,all i can think about is how to tell my bf..this is a nightmare

love and smpathy - do what YOU want to do!

I'm really sorry your pregnancy feels like a burden..... but I really feel it should be a burden shared. Tell him. You will feel much better sharing. You are in this together.

Is what i WANT thats important?,my needs come below those of my children.I am not able to single parent 5 children..its hard enough with 4.So,yes,im in love with my bf,yes...if life had mapped out differently i would love to have had a child with him...he and i have NINE kids between us already,and we are too old/skint/knackered etc,to have another.I do not "want" to be pregnant..nor do i "want" to have to endure a termination and the implications for both of us emotionally/spiritually.
What i "want" to do,is go to sleep and this to disappear,i feel dislocated and distraught.
The grim reality i face is a chemical abortion,after the pain of 2 miscarriages at around the 12 week mark..i dont have the words,really

Oh Littleblue, I really could cry for you. You are clearly in so much pain.

When does bf get to you again? You said you see him twice a month, is it possible one of those could be bought forward? All I can think is that, if he feels as strongly as you, he would not want you to go through this alone.

With regard to the phoncall, just ring, they will be well used to people who don't know where to start. The point of the service is to help those in trouble just like you. I am certain that they have skilled and sympathetic supporters who will help you at least verbalise some of this.

I talked to him on webcam last night,but i have little privacy and didnt say anything.It feels like shit to tell him on the phone.Im wondering wether to just go on sunday,and call him to meet me away from everybody.He could see i wasnt right,i said i felt rough,which wasnt a lie directly.
Ive registered for online counselling with careconfidential.If i talk about it,i just cry.

I have a long distance relationship too Littleblue (200 miles apart), we see eachother twice a month and both have dependent children. I've only known him 7 months but we're deeply in love and committed to eachother. Long distance is SO hard and I hate bringing up anything serious on the phone but when you don't see someone frequently, sometimes you have to. But do try to see him this weekend because it's far better face to face.

You have to tell him about this and not be scared - if he loves you as much as you think he does, he would absolutely want to know and be able to support you. He'd be gutted if you made a decision without telling him. Communication is important in any relationship but vital in a long distance one. I can't advise you, but I think under the circumstance, no matter how much you love eachother, keeping the baby is going to create all sorts of difficulties and you have your other children to consider. I'm sure that you'll find, that once you've talked to him, the burden of making the decision will be a lot less and he'll be there to support you from there.

He asked me last weekend if i was 100% sure i couldnt get pregnant.He worries about it he said.I didnt think it was possible,my bf before him i was with for a year and not a glimmer of pregnancy.And all the troubles ive had with my irregular bleeding etc,to be told i was menopausal and no longer ovulating..i need to get my head round it,im getting there-ish,but needed to get over the initial dreadful shock to be able to tell him.I intend to tell him tonight.
I agree with you about communication in a distance relationship,its a difficult place to be..and trust is of paramount importance,if i dont tell him,and soon..he has every right to feel distrustful,as my communications with him atm,are hiding what im really feeling.

I think il try and see him this weekend actually,you are right,as i said before,i should tell him in person

What a hard situation LB.I hope it goes ok when you tell him.Think its important you do though as this is too much to carry on your own.
If he were pleased about it would that change how you feel about it do you think?Or are you feeling more like you couldnt have another child either way?

1st 2 kids dad left me for my best friend 10 years ago,i met someone else and we moved in together after a year,and moved to the coast to live a self sufficient lifestyle etc...we had 2 more kids together.This man turned out to be a violent,jealous and controlling bully which culminated in threatening my elder son and assaulting me..with the help of womensaid etc,i left in 18 months ago.
I lived in a static caravan for a year,and now,finally have a lovely house,with my 4 kids,and i have a job and a new lovely relationship.
My youngest child goes to school full time after christmas,im losing weight and have got under control a drinking problem.
And a pregnancy?now? its a disaster!!!

Littleblue, I hope you manage to see him this weekend. I am glad you are now starting to come to terms with your situation even if it is just a tiny bit at a time. I am sure he will understand and appreciate that you are waiting to tell him for good reasons. I would not like to be on the end of the phone for news like this if at all possible.

Then I would say dont go through with it.I know its not easy, but for all the reasons you have described it wouldnt be easy to have a baby either.
You have been through such alot.And managed to get through it all.Thats amazing.I wouldnt want to do anything that would sabotage that recovery for either yourself or your other kids.From what you have said having this baby might negate some of the healing you have done.Im not sure if I would want to risk that.
I know this is a dreadful position to be in and I cant imagine how difficult it must be.

Im fighting off a black depression

Is there anything I can do?

I have had long term depression and it is an awful place to be in.

Would it be better to tell him sooner even if it has to be on the phone, rather than struggling on for days alone?

thanx,i think im gonna have to tell him on the phone..yes

Can I make a suggestion? Text him to say you want to talk to him but it has to be when the children are out/asleep. Can he phone you then or maybe ring tonight once you know all will be asleep. Good luck with it. So sorry for you having to go through this.