Almost made a huge mistake - what can I do?

[mixedup]

Am so ashamed of myself that i have changed my name for this...

Have been married for 5 years, together 7 years and have a good marriage except for one thing..Up till now have been sweeping the issue under the carpet but recently have been back in touch with my first ever boyfriend, there has always been an attraction between us and on Friday he told me that he really fancied me and wanted to take things further, I stupidly agreed, its been so long since anyone has made me feel this way, the temptation was overwhelming, i could not see straight, everytime i thought about it i would feel dizzy etc etc, after much thought today i decide to nip it in the bud before i made a huge mistake, i think he felt releived as he is also in a relationship, tho not married, no kids.

To get to the point, he unearthed feelings in me that i have squashed/ignored and now i do not know what to do...My dh and i get along really well but i do not fancy him in the slightest, he is more like a brother to me, great father and always puts us first, however (it hurts to say this) but he is lousy in the sack, too quick or non existant, it has always been this way and I niavely in the beginning thought it would get better. We have talked about it before and have never resolved it.

But now i cannot ignore it anymore, its really making me feel bad about my marriage and I am not sure what my options are, he will not go to the doctor or seek outside help, no-one else knows about it and I have reached the end of my tether and cannot bear to be in the same room never mind bed with him.

Sorry this is so long.

I am not joking. I could have written your posting myself.

I took it to the stage where I was sneaking around behind dh's back and slept with my ex. I felt so guilty, not because of dh but because of my kids. My ex is not reliable, nor stable, but he EXCITES me. I chased him for years after we split and it was sweet irony that I finally got him, when I was married and settled with kids.

However, 18 weeks later I regret it immensely. I thought I KNEW the grass was greener but it isn't. I need to provide security for my kids and dh provides that. He may not be exciting or push my buttons but he is a good husband and father.

After stopping all contact with my ex 18 weeks ago, like I said, amazingly, dh and I seem to be falling in love all over again. He never knew what happened, and never will, but I needed closure from that part of my life, I had it, now it is dead.

Don't feel bad, just move on.

Good luck,

DC

Mixed up - in relation to the sex, can't you tell him what you want? He could spend ages making you get there (IYKWIM), before the actual sex, and then it wouldn't matter so much if it was quick. OR, could you practice that technique to stop him getting there too quickly? ('Getting there', what a euphamism!)

Anyway, having sex with your ex will not make your marriage better, quite the contrary. I don't mean to sound holier than thou, believe me I know how you feel. I just also know that it will make you feel great for 5 minutes, and then you will feel awful. You need to sort out your relationship before embarking on a lust only fling. I know this is rich coming from me, who is not getting on with her dh at the moment, so feel free to ingore me if you want!

I am not going to have sex with my ex, but am not going to kid myself anylonger, I want to. Even just thinking of him makes my knees buckle. I would love to feel that way about my dh, then we would have a wonderful marriage.

Chinchilla we have tried what you have suggested, but this does not satify me if i am honest, I want, feel that i am entitled to great sex, i know exactly what i am missing, have had it before with other relationships, they turned out to be good in bed and bas**ds.

My ex is not like that he is also a nice guy. I want some fun for a change IYSWIM.

DC I want to do what you did and if ex pushed me then i would probgive in and go for it, even knowing i would regret it after. How twisted is that.

Should i tell my dh how i am feeling, give him an ultimatum? or what?

NO! Don't tell your husband. I mean, maybe tell him that things are not quite right but PLEASE don't tell him about the other bloke.

Totally agree - do not mention other man to DH. Your problem is not your ex - he is a fantasy. You feel flattered, wanted and basically horny.

With your friendship no doubt comes respect, compassion, support - to throw those things away on something as short lived as sex is MAD.

There are loads of things that you can do in bed with a man that you trust that might just rock your boat. We all have fantasies or particular preferences. You and your DH have got into a rut, he doesn't know how to satisfy you and you no doubt don't know how to pull his switches.

If it is a problem then you need to talk about it with him - even if it is old ground. If you think about the problem being mutual not just his faliure to satisfy you then you may have more luck. If he is turned on then he will be more likely to turn you on. Ask him about what he likes !!

That sounds like a real dillema. Dont know how old your children are but when it comes down to it, sometimes we forget who we are as women and you probably felt carefree with this person. You've made the first decision by nipping it in the bud. Next one very difficult!

Had a long talk with my dh last night and said that we need to sort out our sexual problems, ie him go to gp and see what options we have, because i could not carry on with it as it stands. We have talked about them in the past and have always come to the concmlusion that things may get better, but after 7 years they have not, he looked confused, so i had to be blunt and say that as far as i was concerned no sex is better than bad sex. IYSWIM. The penny dropped and he will sort it out so he says.

Before you all jump down my throat, I have tried every trick in the book to float his boat and have not got anywhere close to it being anymore than average. I am willing to make it work so lets hope it will because we both know it will be make or break for us.

Starship, am seriously considering maintaining contact with my ex (not sleep with him tho) just to keep my fires burning in the hope that it will breath life into my marriage.

Thanks everyone for the advice i am taking it all on board and anymore opinions would be gratefully received.

My ex cannot it appears let go and is still contacting me, he wants to be GOOD friends and has made that obvious, should i keep him on the back burner?...Or is that just plain selfish..

Mixedup, don't kid yourself. I KNOW what you are thinking. I carried on going for lunch with my ex for weeks before we finally had sex. I told myself the exact same thing. I even convinced a few close friends that there was no harm in "it makes me feel good and if I can stay in my marriage but get some non sexual excitement, where the harm? Dh will never know and we will be happy" but the truth was I KNEW it would come down to sex. He wanted it and I wanted it.

Someone said to me the only way I would save my marriage would be to stop contact with my ex altogether and I honestly didn't believe them. I fantasised about my ex all the time, called him from work etc and it quickly escalated into a full on affair. Even if you don't physically have sex with him you are committing mental adultery. Don't think I'm getting all moral on you - I'm not, I couldn't! - but just know what is on the line. They were right, if you stay in touch, sooner or later your resolve will fade and before you know it you will be having a full scale affair.

It is SO easy to get caught up in the excitement. You WILL eventually get caught by your husband, whether it takes weeks, months or years. Will he REALLY believe you never slept with him? Would YOU if the roles were reversed? If you have nothing to hide, why not tell your husband? Because you KNOW you are doing something you wouldn't want done to you.

Why did you split with your ex in the first place? Why didn't you marry and have kids with him instead of your dh? Think about those reasons.

HTH, I'm sorry if I seem like I'm having a go but I'm just telling you how it is from someone who took it a step further and lived to tell the tale.

Good luck.

DC

Viagra ??? Has anyone tried it or been on the receiving end ?? Could it help ?

He was my first ever boyfriend, my first kiss, we were 15 at the time so was not really looking for 'the one' then!

But now DC its very different, I am trying to be good, and have not arranged to meet or anything...

Viagra could be a possibility, but would like to see what all our options are first.

I will NOT tell dh about my ex, it would destroy any chances we have of saving our relationship.

The similarities are too much. I was also 15 when I met my ex. He was my first boyfriend, I was a virgin, First Love (for both of us) and we were together 4 years. The ties are so strong. I can't deny that even now, just the sound of his voice makes me knees go weak and leaves me shaking.

You seem to be 'calmer' now, which is great. Things can work with your dh, you know. You might surprise yourself.

Dh and I went to marriage guidance for a couple of sessions and they said stuff that made sense but was simple. WE realised we never did anything together, just the two of us. We have started to do that. We go out for a meal once a month, we go to the local theatre occasionally and we have just bought some tickets to go to a concert later in the year. We also booked a family holiday, just the four of us and it will be the first time dh and I have gone away without any other adults. Give yourself things to look forward to.

I know the flattery is wonderful and you are stronger than I am anyway because you haven't arranged to meet.

Once this is all done with, bury it in the back of your mind and leave it there. It isn't worth the hurt and heartache it would inevitably cause.

Keep strong and I'm thinking of you.

DC

BTW, a few topics down is a thread called 'Want to Leave My Husband' - it's mine. Have a read and you'll see what I mean. I didn't sleep with him until November.

Mixed up - my dh is also, shall I say, a little fast and not very imaginative. I should have changed my name for this really, but can't be arsed! We have had our problems too, I get the feeling that I am missing out somewhere, that sex should be exciting, but most of the time I'm just letting him get on with it. I sometimes get nothing out of it at all, and can't see that it is very exciting for him either. I too have tried every trick in the book, but you can't wear sexy underwear every night of the week! Plus by the time we do hit the sheets he's too tired to do anything anyway!
There have been times when I've been out with other friends, that I've been chatted up, and I can't not say that the temptation isn't there to have exciting sex at least once in my life! But then I remember what I stand to lose, and suddenly sex isn't so important anymore. He is a great father, and dd would be devestated if we split up. He has supported me through so much, good times and bad, I can't honestly see another bloke putting so much into the relationship and being as supportive as he has been. I also know that any split would destroy him completely.

We have talked about sex before and he does make an effort sometimes, but then a few weeks later it's all back to normal again. However, my love for him does not centre on sex alone, which is probably where we differ here Mixedup. Sex is the icing on the cake for me, if the icing isn't so great, at least I have the jam and sponge to look forward to! Icing on it's own is pretty crap. I love him for the man he is and I married him knowing everything there was to know about him. I would be a fool to think I could change him now. Whilst sex may not be very exciting, we do try to make it as loving as possible, so even if I don't get much sexual pleasure from it, I get that closeness and intimacy with him that sometimes makes up for it! And we do have lots of hugs and kisses too! There is never perfection in this life, you nearly always have to compromise. So before you go off in search of perfection, just think about what you may be leaving behind. And how will you feel if you never find what you are looking for?

I also can't be arsed changing my name for this. My s*x life is almost EXACTLY like yours mixedup, I thought I'd typed the message and forgotten!! Don't have any good advice I'm afraid, just wanted you to know you are not alone.

mixed up - your frank comments have made me look at my marriage - I am probably a bit like your DH, totally uninterested in sex - I know my DH finds our sex life dull and it has caused very serious marital problems in the past. The comments on this thread have given me a shake up - I am the one in our marriage who needs to make an effort - so thank you (& others on this thread)for sharing your experience.

Wow, did not expect such a response, i thought you would all tell me to buck my ideas up and get on with it, i really appreciate all your honesty and am shocked by my own frankness, but if i did not get it off my chest then i would have burst.

I hope that i did not upset anyone, ir Lindy but sometimes the truth hurts no matter what we try to do to avoid it.

I have a small confesion to make, starship, have been having cyber sex with my ex, i don't think it will go any further than this, but he keeps on tempting me.

seeing we are all being very frank if it makes you feel any better mixedup my hubby is pretty awful in the bedroom. If he wants sex he starts making Dick Emery style screwed up oo er missus type of faces and kind of squirming around. He hasn't a clue how to turn me on and frankly I can't be arsed teaching him! As a result of all this I don't actually fancy him in the slightest. I don't have a handsome ex on the scene to try to tempt me away but my advice is things would soon become humdrum with your ex if you did go off with him.
Sorry if this is too much info! I have discussed this with a couple of close frineds. My straw poll suggests most married sex is crap