Almost made a huge mistake - what can I do?

[mixedup]

Am so ashamed of myself that i have changed my name for this...

Have been married for 5 years, together 7 years and have a good marriage except for one thing..Up till now have been sweeping the issue under the carpet but recently have been back in touch with my first ever boyfriend, there has always been an attraction between us and on Friday he told me that he really fancied me and wanted to take things further, I stupidly agreed, its been so long since anyone has made me feel this way, the temptation was overwhelming, i could not see straight, everytime i thought about it i would feel dizzy etc etc, after much thought today i decide to nip it in the bud before i made a huge mistake, i think he felt releived as he is also in a relationship, tho not married, no kids.

To get to the point, he unearthed feelings in me that i have squashed/ignored and now i do not know what to do...My dh and i get along really well but i do not fancy him in the slightest, he is more like a brother to me, great father and always puts us first, however (it hurts to say this) but he is lousy in the sack, too quick or non existant, it has always been this way and I niavely in the beginning thought it would get better. We have talked about it before and have never resolved it.

But now i cannot ignore it anymore, its really making me feel bad about my marriage and I am not sure what my options are, he will not go to the doctor or seek outside help, no-one else knows about it and I have reached the end of my tether and cannot bear to be in the same room never mind bed with him.

Sorry this is so long.

Have to disagree that married sex is crap, DH and I are having the best sex ever now, better in every way, and we have been together 12 years. Sorry !

And yes I have changed my name as DH does sometimes read this and I do not want to inflate his ego!!!

fallala
I have to agree, I think married sex is pretty crap (in my case anyway). Well, not necessarily married but long term anyway. I think dh and I have problems in that department anyway because dh would never talk about it and I find this very frustrating. Since ds was born we must have slept together about 3 or 4 times (in almost 16 months)... this is linked to the fact that I am co-sleeping with ds and that he is not yet sleeping through the night...
Anyway, before being pregnant I was frustrated because it was almost ALWAYS me who made the first move... this does not do wonders for your confidence. I know sex is supposed to reflect the state of the relationship in general, but I think in some couples there are also very different levels of sexual desire. Sometimes I think I must behave in certain ways which totally turn dh off. Either that or it's just boredom. We've been together 7 years hohum, maybe when we reach the 12 year mark we'll have great sex too - I certainly hope so !
In a way we are so familiar with each other that the thought of sex has become embarrassing. For me anyway - when I suggested this to dh the other night he refused point blank to talk about it ..grrrr.

the other thing which I forgot to add is that I cannot BELIEVE the difference in level of sexual desire and frequency between now and when we first met - if I had known what was going to happen I would have a) paced myself and b) enjoyed everything more!

anonymous, when we first lived together we never had the time! seems mad, but he worked nights and me during the day, so we were not together long enough, also when the night work ended, it just never gelled, dunno why.

Over the past 4 years, since we had ds, it has constantly improved, I personally feel that this is due to us setting evenings aside for our 'pleasure'! This was able to start something that is still developing. Also the main thing is being able to talk about it and try to overcome any shortcomings (!).

anonymous, when we first lived together we never had the time! seems mad, but he worked nights and me during the day, so we were not together long enough, also when the night work ended, it just never gelled, dunno why.

Over the past 4 years, since we had ds, it has constantly improved, I personally feel that this is due to us setting evenings aside for our 'pleasure'! This was able to start something that is still developing. Also the main thing is being able to talk about it and try to overcome any shortcomings (!).

oops!

I'm really glad for you hohum. I think dh and I are unlikely to ever discuss this topic in any depth, but our sex life may improve if we are both more relaxed in general (which we are not at the moment because dh is frustrated with his life in general and I am always knackered because of ds waking up at night). In a way it seems too much to ask that you share everything with one person - housekeeping, food preparing, child rearing, petty arguments, etc.... AND sex - it's all too much. I think I need a break away by myself!

I guess this is where the difference is with me. Sex with my ex was CRAP. Sex with dh is great but I just don't get as excited. I'm sure it's psychological. Dh does everything to make it great for me but sometimes I just can't be bothered.

OK, I'm waiting for your comments...!

I think everyone should post under their real names!

Have really opened a can of worms. Its all coming out now, scuse the pun!

Is that why you ended the fling then DC because the grass was NOT greener? My ex is really keen and is making all sorts of promises, oohh er!

You have all made me feel so much better. Thanks

I think you have to work harder at it as you get older, and sex also changes as the years go by.

I think in the beginning there is a lot of lust involved in sex and that lust disappears the longer you have been together.

I have to say my sex life is great, far better than when I was younger, ( We've been married 20 years and together 25) I am lazy over sex and DH knows what I like, and pleases me really easily( he says I suffer from prenature orgasn!) So I have to take time to remember what he likes best and please him, like wearing sexy underwear, I can't see the attraction as I am a bit overweight, but he finds it a great turn on.

I went to Ann Summers shop and bought some beautiful underwear, dare I say crotchless knickers!!) and on Valentines I got up had a shower and came back to bed wearing it under my bathrobe, I have to say I did actually find the build up quite erotic and I felt good. I just opened my bathrobe and said Happy Valentines, well you can guess the rest!

I can't believe I'm telling you this, but it is easy to let your sex life slip away into nothing other than a routine once a week, and when you have kids it is even harder to find the time, especially as we have teenagers around after we have gone to bed. You have to use your imagination and remember when you use to do it on the sofa or in the kitchen etc and take any opportunity you can. It's fun, but hard work!!

I think what Alibubbles say is very true, you have to work at it. I think we in the past had not been making the right connections as such, and after talking about it and trying new things it worked, and since then has continued to work. But you have to keep with it and keep trying out different things.

Maybe you could try to put an evening aside, after children have gone to bed, and when you are still awke enough. When you do this, rather than trying to make him please you, you should do things that will please yourself, and try to open him up to that. Men are not very good at reading womens minds especially to do with sex, and I think you have to be quite explicit to make them understand.

Have fun! sorry if I waffled!

I do believe your sex life does get better as you get older. Start by touching each other more during the day, DH works from home, I often go in the office and give him a hug, or just touch him, he quite often does the same to me. Always make sure you kiss each other everytime you leave the house and return, (I do, even when just going on the school run) little things, obvious I know, but they are the little things that are easy to forget, especially if you see each other all day long like I do.

Always remember to say you appreciate something they have done, DH quite often cooks when I am tired, when we sit down afterwards on the soaf, snuggle up and sya ' that was really enjoyable, I really appreciate you doing that, and kiss, etc" It works wonders!

Yes and no. I suppose, if I am honest (and we all seem to be being honest!) then I'll admit that, over the years after I split with my ex, I had built him up to be this wonderful, sexy, funny, adorable guy. I was ready to give up everything to be with him. He is smart and knew what had happened so he played up to my expectations, paying me compliments and listening to the things I was saying about dh and responding by saying things like "I would never do that" or whatever I wanted to hear.

The bubble burst when we had sex, that was all. It was awful and I was expecting the world, universe and the bed to move! It wasn't that I stayed with dh because the sex is better, although it definitely it. I stayed with dh because what we have is worth so much. We want the same things out of life, we have two children we both adore and it would be detrimental to them to split with their Father.

My ex has 3 kids of his own anyway and he treats them badly (I have found out since). He is unstable yet exciting. Dh is the opposite.

I just realised that security, genuine affection and family life with someone I trust is never worth giving up for a bit of lust - and I would have drawn that conclusion eventually, even if the sex had been mind blowing. Quite honestly, I don't really care for sex that much nowadays - been on ads for a while - so even if dh and I didn't have sex more than once a month, I would be cool with that.

maybe i need ones of those starship! where did you get from?

Well ladies, as I used to be an Ann Summers party organiser, let me furnish you with the facts!!

Most towns have an Ann Summers shop and for a tenner, you can get yourself RoboCock! It's a funny thing but when you walk into an AS shop, no-one seems embarrassed, it's great. Failing that, visit their website.

HTH! BTW the rabbit is FANTASTIC - no girl should be without one!!!!! :-))

I bought a littel buzzer type thingy from Ann SUmmers. It was only about £14 quid and it looks like a tampon!! You can even keep your underwear on.

You give your dp the controls and off you go!!!

We bought a 'Rhino 2000" from here , I know that it is in the USa, but it is no more expensive getting it from there than Ann Summers, it comes in a very distreectly packaged with no info on the box as to the place you have ordered it from, so no funny postmen!

Also the biggest reason we ordered from there is because they have reviews (!) and the website looks nice and is not sordid at all!

Have fun!

BTW a 'Rhino 2000' is like the rabbit, but it has the vibrating bit that goes on your clitoris and then the dildo part has rotating beads in it, I don't think I'm describing it very well, but it is truly a wonder to enjoy!!

Maybe I should use my real name, but I'm quite enjoying this freedom to talk about how good and excellent it can be!