I've just received a text from MIL which I think was meant for DH and it has upset me. PART TWO

[Thishasupsetme]

Hi all, new thread so I can update

Message withdrawn

I've been following this since last night. Just signing in to get it threads I'm on cause I have to keep up with any more lame excuses explanations from DH and MIL and to find out how Sunday goes.

THUM I think you've dealt with this so well. Managing to contain your inner fishwife is no mean feat! Keep your head held high and enjoy Sunday. I will be riveted to find out what happens!

Just what blu says.

I would like to add a note of sympathy for your dh though ( and obv. a far ar larger one for you). I have a toxic mother, and it's incredibly difficult to deal with. I know in the past I have asked dh to put up with crap because I couldn't face confronting or disappointing my mother, and I well remember being physically sick when organising our wedding, as dh was insisting on having different crockery/cutlery to my mothers (horrid) choice and I just couldn't face standing up to her. Children of toxic parents to tend to normalise their parents unreasonable controlling behaviour, and it's sometimes beyond our abilities to deal with it rationally.
If he's respectful to you on every other level, please do give him a chance? I'm sure Attilla has already recommended he reads Toxic parents by Susan Forward - if he does (as I hope) decide to choose you over his evil other he will actually need your support to get over a lifetimes worth of being controlled by her.

And have you gone out and bought yourslef a stunning outfit so you look a million dollars on Sunday?

whoops freudian slip! I meant Christening!

LOL@ beanieb!!

You need to talk about respect honesty and TRUST or your marriage doesn't have a future worth having, I'm afraid. He can either join in wholeheartedly or stick his head in the sand hoping you will paper over the cracks and that that will be good enough.

Take his wallet, keys, phone etc so he can't run away go out, then sit him down with a nice cuppa and insist on communication.

beanieb!!

Have been reading this from the start, am so on your behalf. MIL obv an evil witch - but DH - why has he just gone along with all this, did he not even ask why you were "not invited"? And what is with all this refusing to discuss, going to bed at 8pm after video games with his pals and then going out drinking AGAIN the next night? I know it is a v difficult situation for him, but he is a grown up. He has to face it.

You have been a star though, and you do have the whole (considerable ) weight of MN behind you. Are you tempted to take KerryMum's frying pan with you on Sunday - just in case??

I've been following your thread, and am aghast at your DH conspiring with your MIL, whatever the reason. Yes, some mothers are like that, but their sons don't HAVE to comply. My gran was a MIL from hell- my mum overheard her saying (about her) "Oh she's a lovely girl...but not good enough for our XXX"

At MY christening, apparently my gran had a go at my dad, because he was seeing to me, while my mum was socialising. She started loudly exclaiming that "SHE" should be attending to the baby, not "YOU", to my dad. My dad told her she was leaving, got her coat and drove her home, without a word. She never ever tried to undermine my mum again (although you could see she would have liked to- her adoration for my dad was completely OTT) WE were a family unit, SHE was on the fringes of that, and I reckon my dad did the right thing. Hope your DH can find the balls to do the same! Enjoy Sunday!

I really really shocked at what your H and MIL have done and utterly disgusted at there continued bad treatment towards you.

We done for raising above and being so in control.
Have a lovely time at the Christening.

We finaly talked, I couldn't sleep and ended up making us both a cuppa and waking him up at about 4am
I NEEDED to get it dealt with as I was going mad in my own head playing it over and over again.

I had thought of some basic questions that I wanted answers and then followed on from there.

I aksed him if he asked him my why I had been 'excluded' when she told him only DH and DD were invited. He said he did ask her and she said that DCIL had told her only DH and DD invited.

I asked him if he challenged mil about it, he said no I asked why, he said he didn't think that his mum would lie to him I asked if now that he knows she has lied WRT to the christening invitation he is in any way angry with her for treating me so badly? He said he was shocked and disgusted with his mum, but it has upset him because at the end of the day she is still his mum. To which I replied but I am your wife and mother of your child and DD and I should ALWAYS come first on your list of priorities not your mum.
He said he knows but it is hard for him as if he was to tell his mum that he thinks she will never see him again. I said that she DOES need telling that though as I will not be treat like that and have DD brought into such nastiness, I am not making you choose but you have to tell her that we are your first priorities and that while you still love her you cannot and will not have her treat me the way she has. I told him that if he doesn not or refuses to do that then DD and I will be walking out of the door and not looking back.

I let him think on that for a while.

I then asked him why he did not think to ring his cousin and speak to her, he said it didn't cross his mind. Typical man reaction that.

I then asked if he could offer any explanation as to why mil did this, he said not really, but thought that she might be jelous as she did want a girl but couldn't have any more children. So I said she basically wanted to pretend that DD was hers (I find that sick, sick, sick btw but didn't say that to him) He said yes. I told him that is even more reason that she needs telling. God only knows what she is going to be saying to DD when she is older, that is my biggest worry.

I then said that I understand this has been hard for you as you have been decieved by the one person in your life who should never do that to you, but the way you have handled things is appalling. You should have come straight home on Thursday to talk to me, I was upset I needeed you. You shouldn't have gone out last night and certainly shouldn't have come home pissed when you knew full well that I needed to carry on talking about this. He apologised, and looked genuinly sorry.

I asked him if he can remember any other times his mum has lied to him wrt me, and I have not been invited to any other events. He said he was dreading this question but his mum told him that I was not invited to see another of his cousins get married (I was 31 weeks pg at the time), he said his mum told him that it is for family only. I said so am I not family then? He said yes, so I asked why not stick up for me and stand solid with me, can you not see how unreasonable it is. (Was trying so hard not to shout and scream, but I really wanted to)
I told him how much this has all hurt me and it has made me take a serious and long look at our relationship at it is now up to him to prove to me that he still wants to be together. I am feel so humilliated and hurt because of his actions in all of this that I honestly think it is going to be hard for me to get past without his support.

I told him that in no uncertain circumstances he is speaking to his mum today either face to face or on the phone and I will be there as at the minute I don't trust him. He said he cant do it to which I replied then when it is light DD and I are leaving He said he will do it by phone

Sorry forgot to add, I will update later. I am giving him until 10am to ring her then I will be packing bags for DD and I if he doesn't.

I am so scared

oh sorry THUM, he is such spineless mummydoormat.

Tell him, Ok, he can do it over the phone, but it will be on speaker phone with you next to him, and MIL is not to know you are there.

I can understand you need to reevaluate your relationship, this is betrayal. Not just once, but twice.

I have been following your thread, but not posted before. I am in awe of your strength of purpose and mind, as you have handled this whole awful situation with immense dignity. I only hope your husband realises what he has to lose and demonstrates half as much strength when he talks to his mum later today.

Thinking of you.

Oh, and you should not pack your bags, you should pack his, and sent him home to his mum, as that is where his priorities lie, it would seem.

QS, I would love to pack his, but I honestly don't think he would go
I might take DD away to my grandparents in Durham for the week (I still have his credit card) I need to egt away from him and god help him if he doesn't speak to his mum today.

I am so upset but so god damn livid right now.

I think if it comes to it and you do leave I think it cold be the kick up the arse he needs (though it shouldnt have to come to this) maybe he will suprise you and he will ring her?

Thum - it really does sound as if he is frightened of her. I know you are the one who has been hurt her, but I feel so sorry for your dh - it's incredibly hard to grow a spine overnight, no matter how much he wants to.

Before he makes the call - can you talk to him about what he is going to say. This will be so daunting for him that he will need a script and practice. Tell him that repetition is good, just calmly restating his case - don't let him get emotional with his mother- "Evil bitch, THUM will be coming to the christening today, it was wrong of you to tell me she was not invited in the first place. She is my wife, and my most important priority". If it descends into her emotionally blackmailing him, or him trying to explain stuff to her. just tell him to repeat, say he is not discussing it anymore, an put the phone down.

You need his support, but believe me, he probably needs your support more. I'm so very very grateful to my dh that he gave e the unconditional love and strength that allowed me to stand up to my mum, but it still took lots of counselling (and a complete nervous breakdown) before I finally felt free of her. Do get him (and you) the Toxic parents book - whilst it's a bit American in it's approach and her solutions are a bit aggressive, it will be revelatory for you both.

I really don't want to excuse his behaviour- it's terrible, and he needs to take responsibility for it and make it up to you. But there are reasons for it rather than him just being a bad man.

Of course, what he should have said to his mum when she told him you weren't invited and that it was family only was "But THUM is family and if she's not invited, then I won't be attending". In reality, he took his mum at her word and, being a man, didn't think to question it. Very unfair.

However, he now has the opportunity to see what his mum has been doing and it's time to step up to the plate and tell her in no uncertain terms that you and dd are his priorities, you are his family and that if she ever pulls a stunt like this again, he will cut all contact with her. It will be hard, but it's only made hard because he didn't challenge her before.

I want to second everything Prufrock has said. I needed a lot of "deprogramming" after a childhood where I was told again and again that my mum was the centre of everything, the most important person in the family who took priority over all including, when I got married, my dh. It took me a while to feel comfortable with the idea that I could stand up to her and tell her that from now on I was putting him first. I also had to go through this process with my dsis who also felt that my loyalty should be to her and my mum ahead of my dh.

My mum died 10 years ago, I have only just recently finished a period of counselling which I think has finally helped me to untangle the strange and complex relationship I had with her. I am not saying that this is how it will be for your dh, I just want to show you how deep rooted and difficult to resolve this type of mother/child relationship can be.

Although your dh does need to have this conversation with his mum, it will be incredibly hard for him, so please bear that in mind.

THUM, I am so sorry you are going through this, your DH need to grow a pair and tell his mother straight to stop disrespecting his wife.

DH has a family like this, but I am lucky in the respect that as his wife and mother of his children he has always stood up for me.
His sister (we no longer speak to her btw) tried to stop me attending a family funeral (it was DHs cousins funeral) and I rang DHs cousins husband and said that as We had been told by DHs sister I was not welcome Dh would not be going either but where would he like us to send the flowers, he went mad and wanted to know why we had been told I could not go and what the hell did it have to do with DHs skanky sister anyway, we went but DHs mother was full of oh I did not know you were coming in front of DHs sister to which DH replied yes you did you phoned me last night .

Also at MIL surprise 60 birthday I was told by DHs uncle I could not sit at the family table, so we walked out and met MIL and PIL on the way in, DH told her to have a nice surprise party and we were leaving as we were not welcome at the family table, (KIND OF SPOILT THE SURPRISE).
But DH has always took the side of his family (me and the kids) over his mother/sister and so on.
Your DH chose you, made a child with you, he needs to stop the apron strings from holding him back and be a man.

Goodness - I've been following this saga from the other thread! What a horrid situation.

I won't waste words on your hideous MIL, it's all been said and I think we all agree she's an evil woman!

I agree with Prufrock - bear in mind that this conversation with his mother is going to be very difficult for him. I have no doubt she will go down the emotional blackmail route and I'm not sure that he's angry enough with her to argue with her. Don't be surprised if you don't get what you want out of this conversation...

That said, you must be firm. He really needs a wake-up call about this and it may take you and DD going away for a little while in order to get through to him. I had a similar problem with my MIL (although not on such a large scale!). FIL split up from her 10 years ago and she has never gotten over it, instead becoming a bit clingy over her 2 sons. DH and brother were so hesitant to upset her, she'd use emotional blackmail to get them to do what she wanted. It was hell over things like Xmas, etc. I put my foot down and told DH straight that it wasn't on. Thankfully, he agreed and once we put our collective foot down, MIL backed off and we all get on really well now.

Stand firm!!

THUM, I'm not surprised you're scared. She really has him under the thumb.She will never admit her wrongdoing. She will just try to sweep it under the carpet. Dh must be feeling very confused and scared as well. But he really needs to free himself from her mind-games. I do hope he sees that.

Thum,

Re this comment:-

"If he was to tell his mum that he thinks she will never see him again".

And that's the unspoken threat that his toxic Mother has hung over him all this time. These people do leave a damaging legacy unless the victims reclaim their own lives. Your H needs to reclaim his own life. You do as well, she's wielded her power long enough.
I think if he phones her today this action will be one of the bravest things he has ever done; stnading up to his Mother where he has not done so before now. It is a very difficult thing to do. Confrontation is healthy but he needs to be emotionally strong enough to fully do it. I would suggest a script and practice. He does not stay on the phone for any longer than necessary. She will likely do the tears and alternately scream at him down the line.

Many people thankfully do not come from dysfunctional unhealthy families where such behaviours and others pass for the norm. It is very hard for people who come from healthy functioning families to comprehend what all this is actually about.

I don't know if you're actually going to purchase any of the books I've recommended you both read but I would urge you to do so. You're both victims of this evil woman in different ways. These people can leave a damaging legacy. She's always been like this; as mentioned before controlling people's true colours always emerge over time and they can be as nice as pie in the early days. I tell you something else as well; regardless of whom he married she would have treated them exactly the same.

It is neither of your faults that she is the way she is. You have not caused this to happen to her. These are her issues and neither of you should try to take ownership of them.

I reiterate I do not excuse your H's actions at all (particularly getting drunk as that solves nothing) but he's had a lifetime of this woman's actions and has come to think of her behaviours as "normal".

You're also asking him why his Mother did this; wrong question. You won't get a straight answer. Nor an apology from her becasue at heart she is toxic and thus as mad as a box of frogs. Do not forget that he's been conditioned to accept all this as "normal"; its what he grew up with.

Personally I'd cut both her and her H, the stepFIL out of your lives but its one thing to write that and totally another to do so.

I understand it will be hard for him but tbh I have no sympathy left for him right now. All it would have taken is him saying if DW isn't invited I will not be attending' That is all he would have had to have said (For the christening and the wedding) and we would not be where we are today.

He only has himself to blame.

I know it can be hard, but tough, it had been hard for me these last couple of days.

Sorry my last post was a bit self indulgent