I've just received a text from MIL which I think was meant for DH and it has upset me. PART TWO

[Thishasupsetme]

Hi all, new thread so I can update

Not necessarily dittany. I did not know how controlling and manipulative my parents were until I suddenly saw how they were starting to treat my children the same way.

Please, please don't for one minute think it is easy to stand up to that kind of parent.

Get your dh on here, THUM!!!

(just wanted to post so that this new thread will be on "Threads I'm On"

Don't want to miss anything.

but whats been his excuse so far?

how old is he thum? how long have you been together?

He is being truly pathetic, but he probably isn't sued to facing up and taking responsibility because his M has always pulled his straings for him.

No ppount in tackling it when he is drunk, but you ARE ahead, so get a good night's sleep tonight, wake him up promptly in morning with coffee - and a jug of cold water over his head if he refuses to get up.

The sit him down over breakfast (having overnight removed his wallet and bus pass and hidden them), tell him that his ENTIRE family (apart fom Poison In law) is very much on your side, knows what has happened, knows that he went along, at best mindlessly, with her plot, and that as HIS family expect you at the christening, you need to sort out the ground rules.

You shouldn't be HOPING to sort them out, they MUST be sorted out.

Tell him you are not asking him to choose betweein you and Malice In Law, you know she is his mother, BUT it is esential that he tells his mother that what she did was unacceptable and he is not prepared for her to llie tohim again or behave badly t you, or to undermine your relationship. And that he should tell his M that both she and he owe you an apology. Tell hi that you are sad for him that his mother has treated him so badly, lied tohim, tried to damage his marriage, but you and he will look at rebuilding things togeher as long as he makes his loyalties clear.

(removal of wallet etc is to prevent him gong out again until this is sorted)

Good luck over the weekend, THUM.

In a nutshell - what's happened?

Blu, you are sooo wise.

I'm glad you're going to the christening anyway!

You have behaved with utter dignity throughout...

I mentioned this thread to my DP and he was outraged on your behalf. And DP is a bloke's bloke, if you know what I mean. He usually sees things from the male perspective, but on this, he's behind you 100%...

Did he ever actually explain to you why he chose to go along with MIL's plan to not tell you about the christening? You said he seems to have honestly believed you weren't invited. Didn't he ask her (MIL) why the invitation was only for him and DD? I mean, let's make allowances for him being a bit blokey about it (sorry, guys, but it's a fair enough cop), but surely he's not so dim it didn't even occur to him to think 'why?'

If and when you actually pin him down to have part 2 of The Talk, would you just say, "Clam really wants to know......"

The SIL who is helping THUM is in her family, I think. (Granted, her DH's cousin and aunt are on THUM's side.)

I want to know what CIL's mum is going to say to MIL! And what she said to DH...could that be what's driven him to drink? ((sleuthy emoticon))

THUM, please please please, keep this thread going and let us all know what happens on Sunday! It seems the whole of womenkind is behind you. Your MIL should be ashamed of herself. Imagine how p**sed she will be when she sees you and your own little family stood side by side. United we stand, divided we fall!

Glad your going on sunday, remember you have all the family on your side!!!!!!

what has happened?????
(takes off cloak of invisibility)

What Blu says. But with the addition of staying icily icily calm and disdainful.

lordy this has taken me all evening to read through! THUM, I feel for so and for you, I really do.

Is there any chance that your MIL is just fiercely jealous that you had a DD and she didn't? I see your DH was an only child. Not that it excuses her in ANY WAY AT ALL, but it might be that she has mental health ishoos about it and was going to pretend that your DD was in fact her own DD. Wild guesswork here - but to me, she is clearly mad as a box of frogs. How on earth did she think she was going to get away with it, and as I also truly believe that she sent the initial text to you on purpose, why did she alert you to the situation? See - totally illogical, and therefore mad as said box of amphibians.

Definitely go to the christening. Your MIL will be diluted by everyone else, and your CIL wants you there (it being her party, it would be churlish to let her down).
I remember when I was 15 a girl in my class had a party and everyone in the class was invited, so I assumed I was too - then another unpleasant girl said in front of everyone - "Thumb, I don't know why you're talking about it, you're not invited". I was v. upset and embarrassed but other girls took me under their wing and made me go to the party and nobody said anything to me about being there, and no one tried to make me leave. It was a very petty, stupid incident and I have no idea why I was originally excluded, or even if I really was - just someone being v. bitchy and power-hungry.

I find in situations like this it is a good idea to pity the poor sad cow, as she clearly has ishoos that she needs help with. She has ruined her relationship with you, forever, but she has done you a favour - she has highlighted your DH's lack of respect for you and that needs to be addressed pronto. Not just the collusion, but also the refusal to talk when you wanted to, the playing of video games and going drinking with friends when he should have hightailed it home to sort things out. He needs several swift kicks up the jacksy.

Have a great time on Sunday - stay calm with the old bag for sure, but if you can throw in a bit of pitying condescension as well, you know "poor dear, it is sad when they get confused like that, and at such an early age too" sort of thing, it might help you! but make sure it sounds genuine, not bitchy of snide!

Nothing will piss off mil more then you all being a united front on Sunday. Good luck.

Hope it goes well

THUM - I've ignored my dh and dds for most of the evening to read this - I really feel for you, and you've done so well.

My MIL is dead now, my dh her only son (he has a sister 10 years older), and my MIL's behaviour was very much like yours is.

It caused no end of problems in our marriage because dh wouldn't stand up to her and tried to keep the peace and hide things from me.

He'd go into a shell when I tried to confront him...it came to a head when I had my bags packed one night and was about to leave unless he phoned her and told her that me and the dc came first. He did and we stayed together.

So, it's much better to sort it out calmly with him and not get to that stage - but he MUST stand up to her and put things straight otherwise you've got years of this sort of stress ahead. It's a real help that the rest of his family are rallying around you though - I still have an evil SIL to deal with.

Oh good for you for deciding to go to the funeral! Go! THUM!