Hi THUM
Congrats on baby no 2! And I hope your df is doing okay.
Your dh will be surprised at reading Toxic Parents...believe me...when I read it and 'Divorce a Parent' I was in shock that my mother's behaviour was written down, in text, in black and white, in a book, by a psycholocical expert. Now I'm rather 'ho hum' about the heart problems, emotional blackmail, aggressive letters, bin bags of childhood toys on doorstep, memorials of myself as a child...mad as a badger some mothers. My mother plays the victim/aggressor role very well as does my sister. Very hard to fight off until you can see it for what it is 'oh poor me! Your so mean, why won't you do it?! After all I've done for you! I'll never forgive you! Perhaps you will look back when your old and feel bad about this, I am an OAP, nothing much to look forward to in life, I listen to Barry Manilow songs all the time that make me think of you...' etc etc etc... tis very wearing...and upsetting...but a good dose of anger and a reality check does work wonders for that The books above help with that. Divorce a Parent (now out of print sadly) was my bible...it does also help with reconciling with parents too...so not 100% about finishing a relationship with your parents.
As for you THUM...I was pg when I broke contact with my mother and I worried about the impact it would have on my dd's health and happiness. She is 2.7 now and a happy soul I still stress about breaking contact. But it really is not healthy to be so wrapped up in someone elses mental problems. Your MIL created this problem, even her own family and ds see that she has caused this. Would you have this problem with your mother? Or a person on the street? Not likely. Your mil sadly was not brought up in a way that gave her boundries and empathy. That was not her fault. But it is her responsibility as an adult to make choices in her life, and only she can make those. You or dh are not responsible for her actions. She is entirely responsible. She could have made any number of different choices, but she chose to act the way she has done, and in a way that people like me and Attila and others (that have had therapy/read self help books) can predict. Basically she most likely has a personality disorder (undiagonosed) and the only way that will be sorted is if she chose to accept help from talking therapy and worked on it. Sadly people like that are few and far between.
Both you and dh need to keep talking, keep your boundries firmly in place (agree nothing without consulting the other first) regarding your sfil and mil and just reread this thread if you feel you are being unreasonable. People like your mil work, thrive, on making others give in to their demands by making other people believe their reality ie they deserve special treatment in some way. Don't fall in with your MIL's reality. You and dh deserve much better treatment than this.
Okay to sum up...I do waffle...do what you both feel is right regarding telling people about your happy news. But if you do tell MIL, it will be thrown back at you. Just be prepared for that ie she'll have a paddy. And just as a footnote, just 2 weeks after my mother had been in hospital with her 'heart' problem me and dh got secretly married (my gay friend and her gf were witnesses just to add insult to injury...mum was a wee bit 'funny' about gay people ) and we annouced that I was 17 wks pg (ie not told mother immediately). T'was a worry how she would cope what with her heart problem...but as the dr's had given her the all clear...she was fine. But she did play on the 'all I have to look forward to now' card...ie going to snuff it any moment...so give me what I want.
Okay...going now...best wishes to you both and your dd and your df...and repeat...IT WAS NOT MY FAULT.
And if weakness creeps into your resolve...FOG fear obligation guilt...your mil's 3 best friends!
allyxx