I've just received a text from MIL which I think was meant for DH and it has upset me. PART TWO

[Thishasupsetme]

Hi all, new thread so I can update

TRUM you need to stick to your guns on this, if you say you will walk out then that is what you must do, you are not giving his mother what she wants and hopefully he will see that losing his wife and child is a hell of a lot more painful then telling his mother to behave.

Also when mummy dearest works out she is about to lose a grandchild she might buck her ideas up and stop being a toxic bitch

I just have a feeling that he is not going to do it and it will be the end of us, and I dont want that, I love him, he is the father of my child. How can I take DD away from him. He is such a good dad and husband 99% of the time.

But I have to follow through otherwise it will just keep happening over and over again.

God, THUM I really feel for you.

I wnet though so much crap with my MIL and I knwo exactly how you are feeling now. You need DH to stand up for you but underlaying dread that he's just not going to be able to.

Things got really bad between me and my MIL. I stopped her seeing the Dcs in the end. It sounds cruel now but it was the only "weapon" I had to try and make her see how unreasonable she was.
It didn't work though...things just went on and on and on.

THUM, thats not self induldgent at all, your DH allowed this whole mess to happen, and THEN went out two nights in a row rather than talk to you about it.

Like you said, all he had to do was say, oh well, I won't come without my wife, and it would have been easy and simple. He allowed your MIL to think she could exclude you from family events, he went along with it, and he is now hiding from the consequences, frankly he needs to grow up!

THUM I have been following your post for a while & also want to commend you on being so strong calm about the whole thing! I have a proper fishwife head too & always try to handle things like a grown up but end up sounding like Lauren from the Catherine Tate show!!

I also have mil from hell who decided that DF, DS & I were not welcome at her house last xmas. It was ds (her 1st & only gc so far) 1st xmas & she turned on us on 21st Dec so was too late to make other plans. It took 2 1/2 months for her to agree to see DF again & have never had an appology or explaination from her! For DF &Ds's sake I tolerate her but she is well aware that I can't stand her. I remain polite & welcome her into our home & this I feel gives me the upper hand.

I hope your DH manages to work out where his priorities lie & to communicate that to mil. I'm sure he will but it's not easy. DF is an only child too & his parents divorced when he was tiny so he is all she's got. She will not write him out of her life as he & your dd are too precious to her. She may flounce for a bit but you must just let her get on with it & he must not pander to her!!
Enjoy Sunday - practise your smug face in the mirror to get it just right.

xposts.

See, I really do know how you feel...

I cant beielve how stupid I was about the wedding I wasn't invited to, I was told only Aunts and uncles were invited

thum you are so within your rights to be angry - but please direct it at MIL rather than him. You are asking him to stand with you against MIL - he will not be able to do it without you at his side

THUM - if you do go today it doesnt have to be forever so don't get too upset, you just need to go long enough for hi mto realise what he's going to be giving up if he doesnt stand up to her, he will soon be begging you to come home and thats if you even end up going, he still has some time until 10am.

Have you asked him if he's going to ring her?

Have you started packing a few things?

Message withdrawn

If it were me THUM I would stop any further contact between MIL and DD. I know that children should have a relationship with their grandparents but not with one as twisted as yours. Your daughter still has your mum.

Thum,

Your words are understandable and are written out of feelings of dread and pain.

You've certainly had a very hard time of it these last couple of days; what MIL did was certainly underhand and designed to cause pain. This is one of the ways in whihc toxic people operate.

I make no excuses for him at all but its very hard to actually stand up to someone who has used her controlling influences on her family unit her whole life. What she says has been taken as gospel by him.

Neither of you can afford to cave - if you do she's won. You must both attend the christening and have a united front. You must show this woman that you are both strong.

The actions of toxic people can also cut across generations as well - neither of you can allow another generation (i.e your DD) to be affected by MIL's behaviours. Your H needs your support and understanding (and counselling re his Mother's controlling unhealthy relationship with you both) as much as you do. You should not sacrifice your marriage on the alter of her controlling toxic ways.

I will also post up reactions to toxic people being confronted, your H will likely hear one or a combination of these responses if he does phone her (which I sincerely hope he does. He cannot though stay on the phone to listen to her entreaties/tears/threats etc.

I have started packing in my head iyswim, and DSIL is on standby to come and pick DD and I up if we need her too.

I will go to DSIL and DB ouse and still go to the christening tomorrow then I will get the train to my grandparents after the christening.

I am really hoping it doens't come to that though.

Atila, have you read the toxic parents book, you seem to know what you are talking about. I am going to buy it for him to read, he needs his eyes opening more that has happened to how his mother is with him.

I have to say that I think his behaviour since Thursday when you discovered the text, has been indicative of how much little respect he has for you.He has behaved appallingly both before, and more importantly, after the discovery. I feel v sorry for you.
I would not leave, but would chuck him out, you would probably be granted the marital home in a divorce as you have dd.
You deserve a man who respects and values you.

Message withdrawn

THUM - you've handled this so well and you aren't being self-indulgent here. In fact you need to put you and dd first because so far, he hasn't.

God, I'd have been on the phone and ripped her head off by now! Well done on being so calm.

Hi Thum,

Yes I have and have also been an occasional contributor to the "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. Its a very helpful thread. I would suggest you write about what has happened on there re this unhealthy drama triangle of you, H and evil MIL.

I have had to severely limit all contact with my MIL due to her overriding need to control all around here and wanting to know every minutae of detail.

If she is that toxic then she will probably have manipulated other members of the family as well, making herself the point of contact for her DS and his family for her own ends. Isolating them to a certain extent so she can control family interactions.

Can you tell I have have a mother like this?

DH's family do not do invitations, it is all done by word of mouth. I am supprised DCIL didn't ring/email/facebook/text me herself though. But then she does have a 3mo baby and two other children so maybe she saw my mil and mentioned it to her and considered us all invited.

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

I've been trying to follow these threads and only just got round to posting - just wanted to say you've handled this admirably Whatever happens you know that you have maintained your dignity, and that's going to be worth a lot and says a lot about you

I think you may find, completely hard that it is, that you may have to walk away to make the message sink in to DH. I hope to goodness I am wrong and that he makes that phone call, but if he doesn't and you therefore follow through and leave, it might not be the end. He might need to know that you are absolutely serious about this.

I'm so glad you've got your DSIL and co there looking out for you.

THUM you have been an absolute rock and acted with dignity throughout.

His mother and him are both to blame, sounds like you had a good discussion last night. Hopefully he will work on that.