I've just received a text from MIL which I think was meant for DH and it has upset me. PART TWO

[Thishasupsetme]

Hi all, new thread so I can update

lol lilredwg , but it made DH smile so thats all good.

Dh is a good man in many ways and I think I was quite hard on him in some posts becuase of the way he was behaving. I didn't realise then how hard it was for him to come to terms with what his mum had done.

Not just to me and DD but manipulating him as well, I now realise that he is just as much of a victim in as I and DD are in all of this. I am ashamed to say that I didn't take his feelings into account at the beggining of the first thread.

Lovebeingamummy, do you think I could get courtney cox to play me But that would be more fiction than true story

So pleased that it's all worked out so well for you both (apart from the trauma of discovering what a manipulative b*tch your MIL is). I really hope you can work through this and make a fresh new start as a family.

One day your MIL is going to turn around and realise that she is one lonely, bitter and twisted woman who has no one to blame but herself.

All the best

THUM, just wanted to add my voice to those who are congratulating you and DH. You've both been brilliant apart from DH's little wobble at the start and it's really nice to read a thread where people are behaving so well in the face of such provocation. You sound like a lovely family.

Thum - the true test of how good we are is not how we first feel about events but how we act when we have had a chance to react rationally rather than emotionally.

Anybody would have been angry at the text, and your dh's subsequent behaviour. It is testament to the strength of your relationship and your belief that deep down he is a good person (and the power of mumsnet) that you were able to overcome your anger and start to see things more reasonably.

THUM< I don't think you should be ashamed of yourself - your reactions were appropriate to your knowledge at the time.
Now you have more knowledge, you can use it to help DH with his feelings and shock - but in the beginning of this thread, that wasn't an option.
He will understand that too - after all, he has only just "got it" as well.

(((hugs))) to you all for coming through a traumatic time so well.

Wow, dh and I have been reading the threads over the past day/eve. I've never known dh to be so engrossed in mn - he came to bed so late!

I wanted to say how impressed I am at your composure throughout. You have handled it so well, and it's great to see mn at its best again - giving real sensible advice. There are some great people out there.

Well done. Just try to hold it together over the years. Bookmark this thread!!!

THUM your instinct was to be angry and make it damn clear to DH that no way were you standing for that behaviour from him. You were absolutely in the right to do that - and you are now standing together in the face of this, because he bucked his ideas up. Yes he was upset, and his behaviour had an explanation, but it is still important to show you respect, not make you bear the brunt of his feelings.

So many women on here complain about shitty behaviour from their OHs and everyone tells them not to stand for it and wrings their hands because the OP just sits and takes disrespectful shit. And I see many women in RL do it too. I'm not saying they're to blame for the bad behaviour - but I do think women should be able to say "No - I am your wife, do not disrespect me" and that's what you did. Nothing to be ashamed of at all.

Well you were all so very right about MIL suddenly having a serious illness.

DH received a phonecall from stepFIL yesterday to tell him that MIL is going into hospital next weeks for some tests as her doctor thinks she has something wrong with her heart. They don't know what and FIl wasn't able to elaborate as to what was actually wrong with MIL that she felt the need to see her GP.
(So glad DH read this thread as he has been waiting for something like this)
DH asked sfil when his mum went to the GP, and apparently she went last week, DH then commented on how good it was that the referal was so quick. GP last week - consultant next week. Sfil said that is was because it was that serious.

DH is feeling a little torn, I understand that, I don't want him to be torn between myself and mil if she really is ill (I don't think she is) but I am letting DH come to his own conclusions.

All I know is that when my dad went to his gp with an irregular heartbeat and high bp that they deemed it hat serious they got him an ambulance to A&E and dealt with his heart problem straight away. So I suppose something could be wrong with mil with it being so quick but I am very sceptical.

DH could ask for date and time of consultant appt and offer to accompany his mum. Her reaction will tell him a lot.

He asked sfil about date and time and was just told 'oh it's sometime next week, they are leeting us know'

That makes it even harder to believe.

DH and I have had some exciting news and we are dreading telling people because it means he will have to tell mil and he thinks there is going to be an almighty row over it.

yes very suspicious indeed!

What exciting news

good advice freckle - looks supportive if real, blows it apart if not

I found out last week that I am pg with number 2
I want to tell my mum, dad and my sil and db, we want to tell DH's family but it will get back to mil sooner or later and I don't think that is fair TBH. So right now we are telling no one in rl untill it become necesary (basically when bump starts to show.

DH thinks it may send his mum over the edge so to speak, now he has seen her for what she is and how she ignored DD at the cristening.

Should DH ring back and ask sfil to let him know when they find out the date and time etc of mils 'appointment'?.

ooh what exciting news??

You need to make sure that you and dh stick together as one unit, be aware that mil may say something along the lines of she doesn't want you knowing any details and will probably insinuate that its all the stress that you caused her to make her ill etc

OOOOOOOH Congratulations

well, maybe, it'll giver her a kick up the arse, maybe she'll realise that if she doesn't start being 'normal' that she won't be a part of los life.

Thanks

I really hope it would give her a kick up the arse but tbh I don't think she cares anymore. I will gladly do as much as is in my power to be able to have her in DH's and DD's and lo's life (Not mine) but I think she only wants DH and not his family. DH said that will never happen.

I don't know what to do from here. I keep feeling like I should call her and talk but then I remember what she has done and the fact she ignored DD, despite DD shouting dand maaa to her and I get so angry again.

This anger isn't good.

Very many congratulations, and I think you are right about not letting it drift back to MIL.

About your MIL's speedy referral to the consultant. If she has gone to the GP complaining of angina-like symptoms, the governement requires all patients to be seen in hospital and assesssed within 2 weeks (a bit like fast track cancer referrals). She will be seen in the chest pain assessment clinic, do a treadmill test and if she can out on a reasonable performance will be referred for an angiogram even without any objective evidence of cardiac probs. This is a simple day case proceedure which carries a risk of less than 0.01%. Following that she will be told that she has no evidence of heart disease or that she does. (I bet the former). If she needs further treatment following that (which is not usually hih-risk either) then you may want to show an interest. Don't let the heart referral phaze you - it is all very standard and we routinely do angiograms on people who we think are unlikely to have heart disease, to a) double check and b) reassure.

Congratulations on your good newS!

Yes, get dh to call back. It makes it look as though he is being a dutiful, caring son (which he may well be anyway) and puts them on the spot. Do you think that Sfil will go along with a deception of this magnitude, if she's spinning a line for her own ends??

Congratulations on the pregnancy. I would go ahead and tell your family and dh can tell his mum when he accompanies her to her appointment next week .

Geisha, TBH I think I may speak to DH's aunt to see if she has heard anything and get her to keep us in the loop, then we will know if there actually is anything wrong with mil.

Geisha, can I ask you for some advice about my dad, as you seem to know a lot about this kind of stuff.

Freckle, yes I do think sfil will go along with this, as he is just as bad, if not worse than mil. sfil and DH and I have a ver strained relationship, I stay out of his way most of the time.

Congrats thisupsetme. Feel a bit stupid that you showed your DH these threads as I remember calling him a cock quite early on and it appears that he isn't one . Don't even know your DH and feel I should apologise!!!

Glad things are looking better for your wee family and stay strong re the MIL- her heart problem will probably turn out to be that she doesn't have one .

lol sfth

"I can share the feeling of 'lightness' your dh is experiencing...but when she has finished licking her wounds she will either, cut him out entirely (flouncing and bad mouthing...this has already started) or she may up the emotional ante on your dh...get toxic parents for him if he will read it...if not print off the list of reactions she may have that I posted further up the thread...it will help him see through her demands...and don't be surprised if she develops a heart condition soon...that one's in the top 10 illnesses to feign when not getting your own way. My mother did it...came out of hospital with a 'fit as a butchers dog' certificate".

Hi THUM,

Actually Ally's above words repeated above are prescient here. So your MIL's now under the hospital now?. Oh these people so work to a bloody script. This is another method of putting her own self back in the spotlight, the timing also is very suspicious. She's probably told them she's been having such attacks due to stress within the family.

Re this comment:-

"DH thinks it may send his mum over the edge so to speak, now he has seen her for what she is and how she ignored DD at the cristening".

She's over the bloody edge already, she went over the edge many years ago. Her behaviour will no doubt again worsen after she is told of your pg. She'll probably cut you both off (not bad news to my mind seeing as her H is of the same bent and goes along with her scheming. He's a bystander).

Do read Toxic Parents asap.

Congratulations re your pg.

Attila