I've just received a text from MIL which I think was meant for DH and it has upset me. PART TWO

[Thishasupsetme]

Hi all, new thread so I can update

THUM well done and good luck for managing the situation from now on. MIL's reaction and behaviour say it all, don't they. It's all about her, her resentment, her scheming, her jealousy - so much so that when she's thwarted, she's prepared to give the cold shoulder to an 18-month-old.

I'm full of admiration for the way you have stood up and said "I won't take this shit" and brazened it out, in a calm not hysterical way, and shown everyone what you are made of. So glad MN has helped you through this - but you are also an example to us all!

Phew! I am glad you went to the christening and enjoyed yourself.

If I were in your situation I would want to speak to the MIL myself to try and find a way forward - I, personally, would not want to leave this "I've been cut out of son's life" nonsense festering.

I would be inclined to call her and say something like "Look, this weekend has been difficult for all of us. Naturally, I was very upset at receiving your text message and I am deeply saddened that you don't regard me as family, BUT, I want you to know that no matter how you feel about me, I would never ask DH to cut you out of his life. In my mind we are a family and families should stick together. I would like to have an honest and supportive relationship with you and I want to make that happen with your help"

It's just a thought. She may be utterly toxic and want to keep a feud going or she may be really regretting what she did and appreciate a "way out".

God, I pity the poor sod who ends up pulling a cracker with Thum's mil over the Christmas dinner table this year

[childish sniggering]

Wow THUM I'm so pleased that you (and DH) have come so far since the OP. OK DH started off being a twit but he really came up trumps in the end in spectacular style!!

Reading this post has been a whole range of emotions for me as I also have a toxic MIL. I've learnt so much as well just from what other mumsnetters have posted.

Ali90, my MIL has tried the 'there's something wrong with my heart' routine and has now turned it all around playing the victim as if 'DH has cut me out of his life for no reason' (when in fact MIL/FIL backed him into a corner and effectively made him choose between them and me)and has got all of DH's family believing this.

Attila your words are so wise too and I'm definitely going to buy toxic parents and toxic inlaws.

THUM not only has your post been helpful to me but also to my DH. I have kept him informed the whole way through this as it is so similar to our situation. He totally understands where your DH is coming from when he says he didn't realise that his mother was this way and he knows what its like to be controlled and guilted into doing things. He too finds it hard as for the majority of his life he hasn't known that this is what was happening to him. I too feel some sense of guilt that he has realised this because of me (IYSWIM?). But at the same time I know I never did anything to MIL to warrant such nasty, vicious behaviour towards me.

I wish you all the luck in the world THUM.

DONT call her it will onlt make things easy for her. She has to realise what she has done and by inviting her back into your lives so soon she will think she can carry on as normal.

MAke her sweat and do it when ypur and DH are both ready, by the sounds of it your DH needs time to adjust to what she is really like. an old bitch.

I can see what RantinEminor is saying and in normally functioning healthy family this approach is possible. In this particular situation though its not going to work.

Toxic parents are a different ball game. They do not play by the "rules" or accept any responsibility for their actions (there has been no apology from MIL re her actions). I note she's also ignored her grandchild as well.

I also note as well that MIL chose to cut her own self off; this was not instigated by either Thum or her H). Thum's MIL is toxic and her son (Thum's husband) has certainly realised this now because he was clearly unaware beforehand due to conditioning to accept such behjaviour as "normal". I think that if Thum was to make contact in such a manner suggested by Rant, MIL would go on the attack and attack hard given them both a long laundry list of their suppposed shortcomings. Such people like MIL as well are emotionally incapable of listening to any reasoned argument.

Agree with Attila - THUM's MIL is fundamentally unreasonable, that is why she is in this predicament. Anything THUM says or does will be twisted in the worst way now.

Give yourelves as much time as you like. And make sure that any future contact is on your terms.

Toxic parents out of stock for the time being at Amazon.

Just ordered from Waterstones

Toxic Parents £6.99

Free p&p

mampam, I know I shouldn't have, but I pmsl at the first line of your last post, then I realised you meant the book!! just had this vision of ordering some toxic parents...

sorry, too much cough medicine, obviously!

thumbwitch, if you could buy them, I doubt they'd ever be out of stock. Everyone would just keep sending them back for a refund!!

Well done Thum and Mr Thum (hope his name is not Tom ) and lots of love to you and the little Thum...

I doubt this is the end of it, so good luck to you all for the future. At least you know you can come to Fishwives.com Mumsnet for support and, er, Fishwifery

Lost the Threat! Can someone give me the update please?

Did she go to MILs house with a baseball bat?Did DP return from Tour of Duty and wish he really had joined the army instead?

DH has read through most of the two threads and has apologised to me for acting the way he did at the beginning of it all. He said he couldn't deal with anything else at that time, apart from the fact that he realised just how nasty and vindictive his mum is after sending the text.
He believed that she sent the text on purpose and he didn't realise she had it in her to be so horrible to his wife.

DH is still realing from all of this I think and I think he is finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that his mum ignored DD at the christening.

I have aksed if he wants to post but he says no, although he says he is glad that lilredwg is happy that he has groen a pair

God he sounds wonderful!
So happy for you both (other than having the issue of MIL to contend with)

Great guy you have there

I'm so pleased for you - and glad he had read the thread. Couldn't have been easy reading some of that.....but at least he realises now.

I feel so for him having to realise what his mother is like, and if there is one thing I've learnt from all this, is that I never want my children (or their families) to think of me like that.

She will be very lonely and bitter in her old age.....

Have similar issues here and ime, thum, it's incredibly painful for dh, in ways we may never understand, to find out how small/vindictive/controlling the mother is. Agree with those who suggest waiting to make contact as he will need time to let it sink in and the two of you need to heal a bit before fending off another attack.

Good luck and well done!

I'm glad your dh has read this thread.

If he feels he needs more support from others in his situation try and get him to read the 'stately home' thread as the people who post on there are/have had the same 'toxic' parenting as him. They will be able to offer support and understanding of how he feels.

Sounds like a kind of happy ending then, and a new beginning.....could be made into a film!!!!!!

pmsl @ lilredwg

Good on your DH for reading the threads, they were pretty abusive towards him in parts. He sounds like a great guy who is having to come to terms with having a shite mother. Good luck to both of you.

I actually want to offer an apology for being so vitriolic towards your dh on the other thread. I was so angry that he appeared to be turning his back on you when you needed to talk. I can see that he's had a horrible shock though, and that he's really come through and done the right thing. Good on you both xx

Blimey - just finished this thread - this must have been extremely hard on both of you. Glad that you have come through it together.

I just wonder, if your MIL did indeed send the text on purpose, I wonder what she was hoping to achieve? I can't think of any other motive but to cause an unholy row between your and your H and split you up . Glad you have proven her wrong though.

It must be especially hurtful for you as you previously thought you had a decent relationship with your MIL. I went through a similar episode with my SIL where I thought we got on pretty well and it transpired (after quite a number of years) she didn't like me at all. I felt like such a schmuck on top of everything else to have thought that we'd been friends.

Hope all goes well for you, your DH and DD in the future

Congratulations to you too THUM for having the courage to show yor dh these threads. You exposed a lot of yourslef while "talking" on here.

Big {{{{{hugs}}}}} to both of you: tihs should stand your relationship in good stead and you will carry and stronger and more committed to each other.